You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.
Why is this the case?
Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.

In daily life, mobile phones have become a part and parcel of our lives .Modern days, children spend most of their time on mobile phones. There are several reasons for this increase, but one foremost cause is the advancement in technology. I firmly believe that this is a negative development.

There are several reasons why I said it is a bad development. Firstly, children spend most of their time on mobile phones watching movies and cartoons , then they do not have enough time to concentrate on their studies properly as a result they face failure. Secondly, If children spend most of their time playing games it will weaken their eyesight and affect their mental and heard back. Finally, children nowadays rely on Internet so that they don’t do homework by their self. For instance, if they don’t know they can search information about it on Internet.

On the other hand, smartphones play an important role in everyone’s life. We can communicate with friends or family when we are not at home or busy. Also, we can make friends through social media such as: Facebook, Tiktok and Instagram. Moreover, there are some apps that business so that if you are busy you can have a meeting through online.

In conclusion, the demerits of excessive utilization of mobile phones outweigh its benefits such as loss of education and health issues. I personally recommend that parents should encourage children to spend less time on it.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In daily life, mobile phones have become a part and parcel of our lives" -> "In contemporary life, mobile phones have become an integral part of our lives"
   Explanation: The phrase "part and parcel of our lives" is somewhat informal and vague. "Integral part" is more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

2. "Modern days" -> "Modern times"
   Explanation: "Modern days" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Modern times" is the correct phrase, which is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.

3. "I firmly believe that this is a negative development." -> "I firmly believe that this is a detrimental development."
   Explanation: The original phrase "negative development" is somewhat vague and informal. "Detrimental" is a more specific and academically precise term that conveys the negative impact more effectively.

4. "why I said it is a bad development" -> "why I contend that this is a detrimental development"
   Explanation: "Why I said it is a bad development" is informal and awkwardly phrased. "Why I contend that this is a detrimental development" is more formal and aligns better with academic discourse.

5. "watching movies and cartoons" -> "viewing movies and cartoons"
   Explanation: "Watching" is correct but "viewing" is slightly more formal and suitable for academic writing, especially when discussing passive activities like screen time.

6. "then they do not have enough time to concentrate on their studies properly as a result they face failure" -> "thereby compromising their academic performance"
   Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and informal. "Thereby compromising their academic performance" is more concise and maintains a formal tone, avoiding the emotional connotation of "face failure."

7. "If children spend most of their time playing games it will weaken their eyesight and affect their mental and heard back" -> "Prolonged gaming can weaken their eyesight and negatively impact their mental and physical health"
   Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised version corrects these issues and uses more precise language suitable for an academic context.

8. "children nowadays rely on Internet so that they don’t do homework by their self" -> "children now rely heavily on the internet, often neglecting to complete their homework independently"
   Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and informal. The revised version corrects these issues and uses more formal language, enhancing clarity and precision.

9. "We can communicate with friends or family when we are not at home or busy" -> "We can communicate with friends or family when we are away from home or occupied"
   Explanation: "Busy" is somewhat informal and vague in this context. "Occupied" is more precise and formal, fitting better in an academic essay.

10. "there are some apps that business" -> "there are apps that facilitate business"
    Explanation: "There are some apps that business" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "There are apps that facilitate business" corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning, making it more suitable for formal writing.

11. "I personally recommend that parents should encourage children to spend less time on it" -> "I recommend that parents should encourage children to limit their screen time"
    Explanation: "I personally recommend" is redundant and informal. "I recommend" is sufficient and maintains a formal tone. Additionally, "limit their screen time" is a more precise and academically appropriate phrase than "spend less time on it."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by identifying reasons why children spend excessive time on smartphones and presents a clear opinion that this is a negative development. However, it lacks depth in exploring the reasons and does not fully engage with the second part of the question regarding the positive or negative aspects of this trend. For example, while the essay mentions some negative consequences, it does not sufficiently elaborate on these points or provide a balanced view by discussing potential positives of smartphone use.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that both parts of the question are thoroughly addressed. This could involve expanding on the reasons children are drawn to smartphones, such as social interaction and educational apps, and discussing both the positive and negative implications of this trend in more detail.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay states a clear position that excessive smartphone use is negative. However, the position is somewhat undermined by the inclusion of a paragraph that discusses the benefits of smartphones without adequately linking these benefits back to the main argument. This creates a sense of inconsistency in the stance taken.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently relate all points back to the central argument. This could involve acknowledging the benefits of smartphones but framing them within the context of their overall negative impact on children’s lives, thereby reinforcing the original stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the impact on education and health, but these points are not well-developed or supported with specific examples. For instance, the mention of weakened eyesight and reliance on the internet lacks detailed explanation or evidence, which weakens the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should provide more detailed explanations and examples to support each point made. This could include statistics on screen time and its effects on children or personal anecdotes that illustrate the consequences of excessive smartphone use.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic; however, the inclusion of a paragraph discussing the benefits of smartphones detracts from the focus on the negative implications. This section feels somewhat disconnected from the main argument and could confuse the reader regarding the writer’s stance.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should either remove the paragraph discussing the benefits or ensure that it directly ties back to the negative consequences being argued. This will help keep the essay cohesive and aligned with the prompt’s requirements.

Overall Suggestions for Improvement:

1. Word Count: Ensure that the essay meets the minimum word count of 250 words. Expanding on ideas and providing more examples will naturally help achieve this.
2. Structure: Consider using a clearer structure with distinct paragraphs for each main point, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that relates back to the thesis.
3. Language and Clarity: Pay attention to grammar and sentence structure to enhance clarity. For instance, phrases like "do not have enough time to concentrate on their studies properly" could be rephrased for conciseness and clarity.
4. Proofreading: Review the essay for typos and grammatical errors, such as "heard back" which seems to be a typographical error and should be corrected to "health issues."

By addressing these areas, the writer can significantly improve their Task Response score in future essays.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively states the topic and the writer’s stance. However, the progression of ideas within the body paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing negative impacts on education to health issues feels abrupt. The mention of smartphones’ positive aspects in the second body paragraph seems somewhat disconnected from the previous discussion about negative effects, which could confuse readers about the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis statement. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Using phrases like "In contrast" or "Furthermore" can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate ideas, which is a strength. However, the body paragraphs could be more clearly defined. The first body paragraph discusses reasons for excessive smartphone use, while the second introduces counterarguments without a clear transition or indication that a new point is being made. This can lead to confusion about the main focus of each paragraph.
  • How to improve: Clearly delineate the purpose of each paragraph. For example, the first paragraph could be focused solely on the negative impacts of smartphone use, while a separate paragraph could address the positive aspects. This separation will help maintain clarity and focus within each paragraph. Additionally, consider using a concluding sentence in each paragraph to summarize the main point before moving on to the next idea.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "Finally," which help to organize the points. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the use of connectors could be more varied. For example, the phrase "On the other hand" introduces the positive aspects of smartphones, but it could be more effectively integrated with additional linking phrases to enhance cohesion.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Additionally," "Moreover," "Conversely," and "In conclusion." This variety will not only improve the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency. Furthermore, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to maintain clarity and coherence in the argument.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, enhancing the organization, paragraph structure, and use of cohesive devices will contribute to a stronger performance in the Coherence and Cohesion criteria.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "advancement in technology," "excessive utilization," and "demerits." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the phrase "spend most of their time" appears multiple times, which detracts from the overall lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "spend most of their time," alternatives like "dedicate significant hours" or "allocate a large portion of their day" could be used. Additionally, introducing more advanced vocabulary related to technology and its impacts would strengthen the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "affect their mental and heard back," where "heard back" appears to be a typographical error or misphrasing. The intended meaning is unclear, which undermines the clarity of the argument. Furthermore, "bad development" is vague and could be articulated more effectively.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on using more precise terms that accurately convey their intended meaning. For example, instead of "bad development," they could use "detrimental trend" or "negative impact." Additionally, clarifying phrases like "affect their mental and heard back" to something like "impact their mental health and physical well-being" would enhance clarity and precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "heard back" instead of "health," and "by their self," which should be "by themselves." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary and terms related to the essay topic can enhance overall spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of lexical resource, there is significant room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and focusing on spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. For instance, the use of "Firstly," "Secondly," and "Finally," indicates an attempt to structure arguments clearly. However, the essay lacks complex sentence structures that could enhance the depth of the arguments. For example, sentences like "If children spend most of their time playing games it will weaken their eyesight and affect their mental and heard back" could be restructured to include subordinate clauses, which would provide more nuanced information.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating complex sentences that use relative clauses or conditional phrases. For example, instead of saying, "children spend most of their time on mobile phones watching movies," the writer could say, "children, who spend most of their time on mobile phones watching movies, often neglect their studies." This not only adds variety but also improves clarity and engagement.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "a part and parcel of our lives .Modern days," has a misplaced space before the period and lacks a conjunction to connect the two thoughts. Additionally, "heard back" seems to be a typographical error for "health" and should be corrected. The sentence "If children spend most of their time playing games it will weaken their eyesight" is missing a comma before "it," which is necessary for clarity. Furthermore, the use of "such as:" is incorrect and should simply be "such as."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading their work for common errors, particularly in punctuation and word choice. Practicing sentence combining exercises can also help in understanding where to place commas and how to structure sentences correctly. Additionally, utilizing grammar-checking tools can provide immediate feedback on errors that may be overlooked during the writing process.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of grammatical structures, there is significant room for improvement in both the variety of sentence structures and the accuracy of grammar and punctuation. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score in the IELTS assessment.

Bài sửa mẫu

In daily life, mobile phones have become an integral part of our lives. In modern times, children spend most of their time on mobile phones. There are several reasons for this increase, but one foremost cause is the advancement in technology. I firmly believe that this is a detrimental development.

There are several reasons why I contend that this is a negative development. Firstly, children spend most of their time on mobile phones watching movies and cartoons, thereby compromising their academic performance, as a result, they face failure. Secondly, if children spend most of their time playing games, it will weaken their eyesight and affect their mental and physical health. Finally, children nowadays rely heavily on the internet, often neglecting to complete their homework independently. For instance, if they don’t understand something, they can search for information about it on the internet.

On the other hand, smartphones play an important role in everyone’s life. We can communicate with friends or family when we are away from home or occupied. Also, we can make friends through social media such as Facebook, TikTok, and Instagram. Moreover, there are some apps that facilitate business, so if you are busy, you can have a meeting online.

In conclusion, the demerits of excessive utilization of mobile phones outweigh their benefits, such as loss of education and health issues. I personally recommend that parents should encourage children to limit their screen time.