Topic: new technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

Technological advancements have significantly contributed to our lives, especially altering the habit of allocating free time. While these developments hold several benefits, I believe that the deleterious influences of this practice are more obvious.

There are compelling rationales why the advent of new technologies could bring about benefits to the young. In the past, as technology hasn’t developed optimally, most youngsters tend to participate in various kinds of outdoor activities and face-to-face communication. Nowadays, the emergence of innovative technologies offer a wide range of opportunities to enhance children’s learning experiences and recreational activities. Specifically, the availability and accessibility of numerous digital books and online courses which are ubiquitous in the Internet, support children with diverse learning styles and purposes while numerous social platforms and play stores increase the variety of entertainment options, successfully helping them select the most suitable games. This shift successfully proves that youngsters’ leisure time is worthwhile thanks to the advancement of technology.

On the other hand, the way of spending free time through new technologies contains several hidden drawbacks. Depending heavily on technologies can be detrimental to children’s well-being. Prolonged free time on screen could potentially result in health issues such as short-sightedness, eye strain, fatigue due to the emission of blue light.
For example, The Guardian, a well-known newspaper site in the UK, estimated that the rates of people with short-sightedness witnessed an increase of 10% during the pandemic in 2020, mostly because of spending too much time using smartphones.
This practice, otherwise, could result in sedentary lifestyles since young people prefer online activities over traditional ones. The screen addiction could accidentally foster physical inactivity and reduced outdoor play, potentially leading to obesity, procrastination and social isolation. Moreover, countless information in the Internet may expose children to harmful or inappropriate contents, posing a threat to their mental health and increasing the possibility of violent and criminal behaviors.

In conclusion, although technological development could benefit children’s free time in terms of educational and recreational options, there are more drawbacks that can be harmful to children’s mental and physical health due to the prolonged screen time. The most optimal approach is to limit time using technologies appropriately and to increase the ability to distinguish the Internet contents

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"significantly contributed to our lives" -> "significantly impacted our lives"
Explanation: "Impacted" is a more precise and formal term than "contributed," which is somewhat vague in this context, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"altering the habit of allocating free time" -> "altering the allocation of free time"
Explanation: Removing "the habit of" simplifies the phrase and makes it more direct, aligning better with formal academic language.
"the deleterious influences" -> "the detrimental effects"
Explanation: "Detrimental effects" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "deleterious influences," which can be seen as less precise.
"compelling rationales" -> "compelling reasons"
Explanation: "Reasons" is more commonly used in academic writing than "rationales" in this context, which can sound overly formal or obscure.
"optimally" -> "fully"
Explanation: "Fully" is more straightforward and commonly used in academic texts compared to "optimally," which can be seen as overly technical.
"emergence of innovative technologies" -> "emergence of innovative technology"
Explanation: "Technology" should be singular when referring to the general concept, not the plural form "technologies."
"ubiquitous in the Internet" -> "ubiquitous on the internet"
Explanation: "On the internet" is the correct prepositional phrase for referring to the internet, whereas "in the Internet" is incorrect.
"support children with diverse learning styles and purposes" -> "support diverse learning styles and purposes for children"
Explanation: Rearranging the phrase improves clarity and flow, placing the focus on the support provided to children.
"numerous social platforms and play stores" -> "numerous social platforms and game stores"
Explanation: "Game stores" is the correct term, replacing "play stores" which is not a standard term.
"successfully helping them select the most suitable games" -> "enabling them to select suitable games"
Explanation: "Enabling" is a more formal and precise verb than "successfully helping," which is redundant and informal.
"the way of spending free time through new technologies" -> "the manner in which free time is spent using new technologies"
Explanation: "The manner in which" is a more formal and precise phrase than "the way of," and "using" is more appropriate than "through" in this context.
"Depending heavily on technologies" -> "Dependence on technologies"
Explanation: "Dependence on" is a more concise and formal way to express the idea of reliance on technologies.
"Prolonged free time on screen" -> "Prolonged screen time"
Explanation: "Screen time" is a more commonly used and accepted term in academic and formal contexts than "free time on screen."
"The Guardian, a well-known newspaper site" -> "The Guardian, a prominent online newspaper"
Explanation: "Online newspaper" is more specific and accurate than "newspaper site," which is vague and informal.
"The screen addiction could accidentally foster" -> "Screen addiction could inadvertently foster"
Explanation: "Inadvertently" is more precise and formal than "accidentally," which is less commonly used in academic writing.
"countless information in the Internet" -> "an abundance of information on the internet"
Explanation: "An abundance of" is a more formal expression than "countless," and "on the internet" is the correct prepositional phrase.
"pose a threat to their mental health" -> "pose a risk to their mental health"
Explanation: "Risk" is a more precise term in academic contexts than "threat," which can be seen as overly dramatic.
"The most optimal approach" -> "the most effective approach"
Explanation: "Effective" is a more commonly used and accepted term in academic writing than "optimal," which can be seen as overly technical.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of new technologies in relation to how children spend their free time. The author presents a balanced view, acknowledging the benefits such as enhanced learning experiences and increased entertainment options. However, the essay leans more towards the disadvantages, which is appropriate given the author’s stance. The discussion of health issues, sedentary lifestyles, and exposure to inappropriate content provides a comprehensive overview of the drawbacks.
- How to improve: To enhance the response further, the author could provide more specific examples of the advantages, perhaps by mentioning particular technologies or educational tools that have positively impacted children’s learning. Additionally, a more explicit comparison of the weight of advantages versus disadvantages could strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author maintains a clear position throughout the essay, stating a belief that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. This stance is consistently supported by the arguments presented in both the advantages and disadvantages sections. However, the transition between discussing the benefits and drawbacks could be smoother to reinforce the author’s perspective.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the author could use transitional phrases that explicitly connect the discussion of advantages to the disadvantages, reinforcing the argument that while there are benefits, they are overshadowed by the negative impacts. For instance, phrases like "Despite these benefits, the following drawbacks are significant" could help in maintaining a clear narrative thread.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding both the benefits and drawbacks of technology use among children. The author extends these ideas with relevant examples, such as the increase in short-sightedness linked to screen time. However, some points could be further elaborated; for instance, the mention of "countless information in the Internet" could benefit from specific examples of harmful content or statistics to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the support for ideas, the author should aim to provide more detailed examples and statistics, particularly in the advantages section. This could include mentioning specific educational apps or platforms that have been beneficial for children, thus providing a more robust argument for the positive aspects of technology.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic of how new technologies affect children’s free time. The author successfully avoids going off on tangents and maintains relevance to the prompt. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt, particularly in the conclusion, which could reiterate the balance of advantages and disadvantages more explicitly.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each paragraph ties back to the central question of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. In the conclusion, reiterating the main points succinctly while directly addressing the prompt could reinforce the essay’s relevance and coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some enhancements in examples and transitions, it could achieve an even higher level of clarity and depth in addressing the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. The argument flows logically from the introduction, where the writer outlines their stance, to the body paragraphs that explore both sides of the issue. For instance, the first body paragraph effectively discusses the benefits of technology, while the second addresses the drawbacks. However, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother; the shift feels somewhat abrupt, which can disrupt the overall flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that signal a shift in focus, such as "Conversely," or "In contrast," at the beginning of the second body paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, which would help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The introduction sets the stage, while the body paragraphs are dedicated to discussing the pros and cons of technology in children’s free time. However, the second body paragraph could be further divided into smaller paragraphs to better separate the different disadvantages discussed, such as health issues and social implications.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, consider breaking the second body paragraph into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on health-related issues and the other on social implications. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point and enhance clarity for the reader.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices effectively, such as "On the other hand," and "For example," which help to connect ideas and provide examples. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the transition from discussing the benefits of technology to the drawbacks could benefit from additional linking phrases to clarify the relationship between the two sides.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Additionally," and "Nevertheless." This will help to create a more nuanced connection between ideas and enhance the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can aid in maintaining coherence throughout the text.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, improving the logical flow, paragraphing, and use of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms such as "technological advancements," "deleterious influences," and "sedentary lifestyles" showcasing the writer’s ability to use varied language. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more diverse. For example, the phrase "new technologies" is repeated multiple times without synonyms or variations, which could enhance the richness of the text.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should consider using synonyms or related phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "new technologies," alternatives like "modern innovations," "digital tools," or "technological advancements" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more descriptive adjectives and adverbs could further enhance the essay’s lexical variety.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are a few instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "the emergence of innovative technologies offer" should be "offers" to match the singular subject "emergence." Additionally, the term "countless information" is incorrect; "information" is uncountable, so it should be "countless pieces of information" or "a wealth of information."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and the countability of nouns. Proofreading for grammatical consistency and ensuring that terms are used in their correct context will enhance clarity. Utilizing tools like grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify and correct such errors.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a good level of spelling accuracy overall, with no significant misspellings that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as "the Internet" which should consistently be capitalized as "the Internet" throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should develop a habit of proofreading their work, focusing on commonly confused words and ensuring consistent capitalization. Additionally, using spell-check tools during the writing process can help catch errors before final submission. Regular reading and writing practice can also improve spelling skills over time.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, but there are areas for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating these suggestions, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and a mix of simple and compound sentences. For example, the use of phrases such as "While these developments hold several benefits" and "On the other hand, the way of spending free time through new technologies contains several hidden drawbacks" showcases the writer’s ability to create nuanced arguments. However, there are instances where the sentence structure could be more varied. For instance, the phrase "the emergence of innovative technologies offer a wide range of opportunities" could be restructured for better flow and clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, the writer could incorporate more conditional sentences (e.g., "If children engage more with technology, they may miss out on physical activities") and participial phrases (e.g., "Having access to online resources, children can enhance their learning"). Additionally, varying the placement of clauses within sentences can create more dynamic writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For example, the phrase "the emergence of innovative technologies offer" should be corrected to "offers" to agree with the singular subject "emergence." Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as after introductory phrases ("In the past, as technology hasn’t developed optimally, most youngsters tend to participate…").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread for subject-verb agreement and ensure that singular and plural forms are used correctly. Additionally, practicing the use of commas in complex sentences can help clarify meaning and improve readability. It may also be beneficial to review rules regarding the use of articles, as in "the Internet" versus "Internet," to ensure consistency and correctness.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, with room for improvement in sentence variety and minor grammatical precision.

Bài sửa mẫu

Technological advancements have significantly impacted our lives, particularly altering the allocation of free time. While these developments offer several benefits, I believe that the detrimental effects of this practice are more pronounced.

There are compelling reasons why the emergence of innovative technology could bring about advantages for the young. In the past, when technology had not developed as extensively, most youngsters tended to engage in various outdoor activities and face-to-face communication. Nowadays, the availability and accessibility of numerous digital books and online courses, which are ubiquitous on the internet, support diverse learning styles and purposes for children. Additionally, numerous social platforms and game stores increase the variety of entertainment options, enabling them to select suitable games. This shift demonstrates that youngsters’ leisure time can be valuable, thanks to advancements in technology.

On the other hand, the manner in which free time is spent using new technologies contains several hidden drawbacks. Dependence on technologies can be detrimental to children’s well-being. Prolonged screen time could potentially lead to health issues such as short-sightedness, eye strain, and fatigue due to the emission of blue light. For example, The Guardian, a prominent online newspaper, estimated that the rates of individuals with short-sightedness increased by 10% during the pandemic in 2020, primarily due to excessive smartphone use. This practice could also result in sedentary lifestyles, as young people often prefer online activities over traditional ones. Screen addiction could inadvertently foster physical inactivity and reduced outdoor play, potentially leading to obesity, procrastination, and social isolation. Moreover, the abundance of information on the internet may expose children to harmful or inappropriate content, posing a risk to their mental health and increasing the likelihood of violent and criminal behaviors.

In conclusion, although technological development could benefit children’s free time in terms of educational and recreational options, there are more drawbacks that can be harmful to children’s mental and physical health due to prolonged screen time. The most effective approach is to limit technology use appropriately and to enhance the ability to distinguish between various internet contents.