2: People often think about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen.What is your opinion about an ideal society. How can we create an ideal society?

There are many views of people about creating an ideal society but it have not come true. In my opinion, an ideal society is living in peace, people can do what they are dreaming, everyone is equally and worthy to earn respect. There are no crimes, just cheering, sharing and helping but it is extremely hard and impossible.
At first, followed by the developing of society, we are facing with many crises, the environmental degradation caused by pollution, the poverty is widespread, human is living in exhausted life, hustle and bustle, the appearance of discrimination happened frequency by the skin color racist, gender or the value of properties. Beside that, the wars keep continuing in many countries, the percentage of crimes is rising. Moreover, many people have not approached with knowledge, childs could not go to school. An ideal society could not be created only by humans because we are facing many disasters from nature like strom, floods, drought and volcanic eruptions.
It is why creating an ideal society is impossible. The best things we can do are fixing and improving the consequence probably. The essential is that everyone should gain opportunities to study, parents should nurture their child with love and teach them to be a good person. People could launch campaigns against racist, war and inequalities from the human class. Moreover, governments need public rights regulations to decrease crimes, disaster from nature.
In conclusion, I believe the most important element of an ideal society is having a good government, individuals living in a good condition and knowing to love, share and be sympathetic with everyone. All the discrimination, war and racist are prevented.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"There are many views of people about creating an ideal society but it have not come true." -> "There are diverse perspectives on creating an ideal society, but it has not yet been achieved."
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised version corrects the verb tense and uses more formal language, enhancing clarity and correctness.
"an ideal society is living in peace, people can do what they are dreaming, everyone is equally and worthy to earn respect" -> "an ideal society is characterized by peace, where individuals can pursue their aspirations, and everyone is equally deserving of respect"
Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised version corrects these issues and uses more formal and precise language, improving the academic tone.
"There are no crimes, just cheering, sharing and helping but it is extremely hard and impossible." -> "However, there is no crime, only cheering, sharing, and helping, but this is extremely challenging and perhaps impossible."
Explanation: The original sentence lacks conjunctions and is grammatically incomplete. The revision adds necessary conjunctions and clarifies the meaning, making it more formal and coherent.
"followed by the developing of society" -> "as society develops"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and grammatically incorrect. The suggested revision simplifies and clarifies the expression, aligning it with formal academic style.
"we are facing with many crises" -> "we face numerous crises"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. The revision corrects the preposition and uses a more formal verb form, enhancing the sentence structure.
"the wars keep continuing" -> "wars persist"
Explanation: The original phrase is informal and awkward. The suggested revision simplifies and formalizes the expression, making it more suitable for academic writing.
"childs could not go to school" -> "children cannot attend school"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and informal. The revision corrects the verb tense and uses more formal vocabulary, improving the academic tone.
"strom, floods, drought and volcanic eruptions" -> "storms, floods, droughts, and volcanic eruptions"
Explanation: The original list lacks plural forms for some items, which is grammatically incorrect. The revision corrects this, ensuring grammatical accuracy.
"The best things we can do are fixing and improving the consequence probably" -> "the best course of action is to mitigate and improve the consequences"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revision clarifies the meaning and uses more formal language, enhancing the academic tone.
"The essential is that everyone should gain opportunities to study" -> "Essential is that everyone should have opportunities to study"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. The revision corrects the article and verb form, improving the sentence structure and clarity.
"launch campaigns against racist, war and inequalities from the human class" -> "launch campaigns against racism, war, and social inequalities"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and uses incorrect terminology. The revision corrects these issues and uses more precise and formal language.
"governments need public rights regulations to decrease crimes, disaster from nature" -> "governments must establish regulations to reduce crime and mitigate natural disasters"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revision corrects these issues and uses more precise and formal language, enhancing the academic tone.
"All the discrimination, war and racist are prevented" -> "All forms of discrimination, war, and racism can be prevented"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and lacks specificity. The revision corrects these issues and clarifies the meaning, making it more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the concept of an ideal society and the challenges in creating it. The author presents their opinion on what constitutes an ideal society—peace, equality, and respect—and acknowledges the difficulties in achieving this due to various societal issues such as crime, discrimination, and environmental crises. However, the response could be more structured in explicitly answering both parts of the question: defining an ideal society and outlining how to create one. The second part is somewhat overshadowed by the focus on the impossibility of achieving an ideal society.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly delineate their definition of an ideal society and then systematically outline actionable steps to create it. This could involve creating separate paragraphs for the definition and the methods, ensuring that each part of the question is thoroughly addressed.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that creating an ideal society is extremely difficult, if not impossible. However, this position could be more consistently articulated throughout the essay. While the author mentions the importance of education and government action, the initial assertion of impossibility may confuse the reader regarding the overall stance. The conclusion reiterates the need for a good government and societal conditions, but it lacks a strong link back to the earlier points made.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should ensure that their viewpoint is consistently reinforced throughout the essay. This can be achieved by summarizing key points that support their opinion in each paragraph and explicitly linking back to the main argument in the conclusion.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the challenges of creating an ideal society, such as environmental issues, discrimination, and the need for education. However, many of these ideas are not fully developed or supported with specific examples. For instance, while the essay mentions campaigns against racism and the role of government, it does not provide concrete examples or elaborate on how these initiatives could be implemented or their potential impact.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to elaborate on each idea with specific examples or scenarios that illustrate their points. For instance, discussing successful campaigns or policies from various countries that have addressed discrimination or crime could provide a stronger foundation for their argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the challenges of creating an ideal society and the necessary components for such a society. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, particularly when discussing natural disasters, which, while relevant, detracts from the main discussion about societal structures and human actions.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central theme of creating an ideal society. They could consider limiting the discussion of natural disasters to a brief mention, instead concentrating on human agency and societal structures that can be influenced or changed to work towards an ideal society.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, there is room for improvement in structure, clarity, and depth of argumentation to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a general structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow is somewhat hindered by abrupt transitions and a lack of clear connections between ideas. For instance, the second paragraph introduces multiple issues (environmental degradation, poverty, discrimination) without clearly linking them to the main argument about the impossibility of creating an ideal society. This can confuse the reader about how these points relate to the central thesis.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should outline the essay before writing. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence that relates directly to the thesis. Additionally, using linking phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "Consequently") can help guide the reader through the argument and show how each point builds on the previous one.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their effectiveness is compromised by inconsistent structure and some overly long sentences that contain multiple ideas. For example, the second paragraph could be split into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on societal issues and another on the challenges of creating an ideal society. This would allow for a clearer exploration of each point.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea. The writer should aim for a clear beginning, middle, and end within each paragraph. Starting with a topic sentence, followed by supporting details, and concluding with a sentence that ties back to the main argument can enhance clarity. Additionally, ensuring that paragraphs are of a manageable length can help maintain the reader’s attention.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as "but," "moreover," and "beside that," but the range is limited and sometimes misused. For instance, "beside that" is not commonly used in formal writing; "besides" or "in addition" would be more appropriate. The lack of variety in cohesive devices can make the writing feel repetitive and less engaging.
- How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, the writer should familiarize themselves with a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, using "however" to introduce contrasting ideas, "therefore" to indicate conclusions, and "for instance" to provide examples can enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, varying sentence structures can also contribute to a more dynamic and cohesive essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and attempts to structure an argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some effective phrases such as "environmental degradation," "widespread poverty," and "launch campaigns against." However, there are instances of repetition, particularly with the term "ideal society," which could have been varied with synonyms or paraphrased expressions. Additionally, phrases like "hustle and bustle" are somewhat clichéd and do not enhance the overall lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader variety of vocabulary. For example, instead of repeatedly using "ideal society," alternatives like "utopian community" or "perfect society" could be employed. Engaging with synonyms and more specific terms related to the topics discussed (e.g., "environmental challenges" instead of just "disasters") would also enhance lexical range.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage in the essay. For example, the phrase "human is living in exhausted life" is awkward and unclear; it would be more precise to say "humans are living exhausting lives." Additionally, "the appearance of discrimination happened frequency" is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity. The use of "childs" instead of "children" is another example of imprecise vocabulary.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and the correct forms of words. Utilizing tools like thesauruses or vocabulary lists can help in selecting more appropriate words. Practicing sentence structure and ensuring subject-verb agreement will also contribute to clearer communication.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "strom" (storm), "childs" (children), and "racist" (should be used as "racism" in this context). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, perhaps using flashcards or spelling apps. Additionally, proofreading the essay multiple times or using spell-check tools before submission can help catch and correct these errors. Reading more widely can also improve spelling through exposure to correctly spelled words in context.

Overall, while the essay presents a coherent argument and addresses the prompt, focusing on expanding vocabulary, improving precision, and correcting spelling errors will significantly enhance the lexical resource score in future writings.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, with few complex sentences that could enhance the depth of the argument. For example, phrases like "there are many views of people about creating an ideal society" and "the essential is that everyone should gain opportunities to study" reflect a basic structure. The use of conjunctions is present, but the overall complexity is lacking, which restricts the expression of nuanced ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences that combine independent and dependent clauses. For instance, instead of saying "the wars keep continuing in many countries," the writer could say, "While wars continue in many countries, it is crucial to address the underlying issues that lead to such conflicts." Additionally, using varied sentence openings (e.g., starting with adverbial phrases or clauses) can enhance the flow and interest of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For example, the phrase "it have not come true" should be "it has not come true," indicating a subject-verb agreement error. Additionally, "human is living in exhausted life" should be "humans are living exhausted lives," correcting both the subject-verb agreement and pluralization. Punctuation is also inconsistent; for instance, commas are often missing before conjunctions in compound sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and pluralization rules. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help reinforce these concepts. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. For example, the writer could revise "the poverty is widespread, human is living in exhausted life" to "poverty is widespread, and humans are living exhausted lives," which corrects the grammatical errors and improves the sentence structure.

Overall, the essay presents a clear argument but suffers from grammatical inaccuracies and a lack of structural variety. By focusing on these areas for improvement, the writer can enhance their overall score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

There are many perspectives on creating an ideal society, but it has not yet been realized. In my opinion, an ideal society is characterized by peace, where individuals can pursue their aspirations, and everyone is equally deserving of respect. In such a society, there would be no crime, only cheering, sharing, and helping; however, achieving this is extremely challenging and perhaps impossible.

Firstly, as society develops, we face numerous crises, including environmental degradation caused by pollution, widespread poverty, and the exhausting hustle and bustle of life. Discrimination occurs frequently based on skin color, gender, or socioeconomic status. Additionally, wars persist in many countries, and the percentage of crimes continues to rise. Moreover, many people lack access to education, and children cannot attend school. An ideal society cannot be created solely by humans, as we also contend with natural disasters such as storms, floods, droughts, and volcanic eruptions.

This is why creating an ideal society seems impossible. The best course of action is to mitigate and improve the consequences of these challenges. It is essential that everyone has opportunities to study, and parents should nurture their children with love while teaching them to be good individuals. People could launch campaigns against racism, war, and social inequalities. Furthermore, governments must establish regulations to reduce crime and mitigate the impact of natural disasters.

In conclusion, I believe the most important elements of an ideal society are a good government, individuals living in favorable conditions, and a shared commitment to love, share, and be sympathetic towards one another. All forms of discrimination, war, and racism can be prevented through collective effort.