Being a celebrity, such as a famous film star or sports personality, brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think the advantages of being a celebrity outweigh its disadvantages?

Some hold the opinion that being a notable figure such as a well-known athlete or movie star, has positive and negative aspects. From my perspective, the benefits of this phenomenon do not outweigh its drawbacks. I believe that, although celebrities can get some certain privileges, they might face privacy invasion.
On the one hand, famous people have the right to specific benefits. When individuals become famous, they have a large source of income and a voice in society. This is very beneficial for them as these people can take advantage of their fame and influence to earn more money from their jobs or social activities such as advertising or volunteering. As a result, these sources of wealth give them a luxurious lifestyle and promote their reputation to the public, as more people may admire and respect them.
However, despite these benefits, I am of the opinion that famous people have more problems to overcome. In other words, they have no privacy and always be chased by paparazzi and fans. As celebrities have great influence on society, no matter where they go or what they do, they could be watched and nitpicked, like living in a goldfish bowl. Public pressure makes them have to always maintain a standard model, or avoid showing up at public spaces, otherwise they might easily be involved in scandals and dramas. As a results, this can lead to stress, anxiety or even depression, making their career unstable and can seriously fall. For instance, studies show that compared to the ordinary people, the notables engaging in creative and artistic activities are more likely to experience depression.
In conclusion, despite some certain rights that celebrities possess, I reaffirm my stand that the impacts of privacy intrusion can have definitely outweigh the advantages.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Some hold the opinion" -> "Some individuals believe"
Explanation: "Some individuals believe" is more specific and formal, enhancing the academic tone of the essay by avoiding the vague and somewhat informal "Some hold the opinion."
"being a notable figure such as a well-known athlete or movie star" -> "serving as a notable figure, such as a renowned athlete or film star"
Explanation: "Serving as" is more precise and formal than "being," and "renowned" and "film star" are more specific and academically appropriate than "well-known" and "movie star."
"has positive and negative aspects" -> "presents both advantages and disadvantages"
Explanation: "Presents both advantages and disadvantages" is a more formal and precise way to describe the dual nature of the phenomenon, aligning better with academic style.
"get some certain privileges" -> "enjoy certain privileges"
Explanation: "Enjoy" is more precise and formal than "get," and removing "some" before "certain" corrects the grammatical error.
"they might face privacy invasion" -> "they may face privacy invasions"
Explanation: "May" is more formal than "might," and "invasions" is the correct plural form to match the context.
"have the right to specific benefits" -> "are entitled to specific benefits"
Explanation: "Are entitled to" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic context better than "have the right to."
"a large source of income and a voice in society" -> "substantial financial resources and significant social influence"
Explanation: "Substantial financial resources" and "significant social influence" are more precise and formal terms, enhancing the academic tone.
"take advantage of their fame" -> "capitalize on their fame"
Explanation: "Capitalize on" is a more formal expression than "take advantage of," which is slightly informal for academic writing.
"give them a luxurious lifestyle" -> "afford them a luxurious lifestyle"
Explanation: "Afford" is more precise in this context, indicating the financial capability to maintain a lifestyle, which is more appropriate for formal writing.
"always be chased by paparazzi and fans" -> "are constantly pursued by paparazzi and fans"
Explanation: "Are constantly pursued" is more formal and precise, improving the academic tone.
"no matter where they go or what they do" -> "regardless of their location or activities"
Explanation: "Regardless of their location or activities" is more formal and specific, avoiding the colloquial tone of "where they go or what they do."
"living in a goldfish bowl" -> "living under constant scrutiny"
Explanation: "Living under constant scrutiny" is a more formal and academically appropriate metaphor than "living in a goldfish bowl," which is colloquial.
"have to always maintain a standard model" -> "must consistently maintain a professional image"
Explanation: "Must consistently maintain a professional image" is more formal and specific, replacing the vague and informal "standard model."
"avoid showing up at public spaces" -> "avoid public appearances"
Explanation: "Avoid public appearances" is a more formal and precise phrase than "avoid showing up at public spaces."
"can seriously fall" -> "may seriously deteriorate"
Explanation: "May seriously deteriorate" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "can seriously fall," which is too informal and vague.
"notables engaging in creative and artistic activities" -> "celebrities involved in creative and artistic pursuits"
Explanation: "Celebrities involved in creative and artistic pursuits" is more specific and formal, replacing the less precise "notables engaging in creative and artistic activities."
"the impacts of privacy intrusion" -> "the effects of privacy breaches"
Explanation: "The effects of privacy breaches" is a more precise and formal term, enhancing the academic quality of the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of being a celebrity. The introduction clearly states the writer’s position that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. The body paragraphs present arguments for both sides, with the first paragraph detailing the benefits of fame, such as financial gain and social influence, while the second paragraph focuses on the drawbacks, particularly the loss of privacy and the mental health implications. However, the essay could have included more specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument regarding the disadvantages.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could incorporate more concrete examples or case studies of celebrities who have faced significant challenges due to their fame. This would provide a more comprehensive view of the disadvantages and strengthen the argument that they outweigh the advantages.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that the disadvantages of being a celebrity outweigh the advantages. The writer consistently supports this viewpoint with relevant arguments. However, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be more fluid, as the shift feels somewhat abrupt. The phrase "However, despite these benefits" serves as a transition but could be improved for better coherence.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and coherence, the writer could use transitional phrases that better connect the ideas between the two body paragraphs. For example, instead of starting the second paragraph with "However," a phrase like "Despite these benefits, the challenges they face are significant" could provide a smoother transition.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the discussion of the disadvantages of celebrity life. The use of phrases like "I am of the opinion" and "as a result" indicates an attempt to extend ideas logically. However, while the points made are relevant, they could benefit from deeper exploration. For instance, the mention of public pressure leading to mental health issues is a strong point but lacks detailed examples or elaboration.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate further on key points. For instance, providing specific examples of celebrities who have struggled with mental health issues due to fame would add depth to the argument. Additionally, discussing potential solutions or coping mechanisms that celebrities might employ could further enrich the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the advantages and disadvantages of being a celebrity. The writer does not deviate from the main question, and each paragraph relates back to the central theme. However, there are moments where the phrasing could be more precise, such as "some certain rights" which is redundant and could confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and clarity, the writer should avoid redundancy and ensure that language is precise. For example, instead of saying "some certain rights," simply stating "certain rights" would be clearer. Additionally, reviewing the essay for any off-topic phrases or vague language can help ensure that every sentence contributes directly to the argument.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some refinements in examples, transitions, and language precision, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The first body paragraph discusses the benefits of being a celebrity, while the second body paragraph focuses on the drawbacks. This logical organization allows the reader to follow the writer’s argument easily. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "However, despite these benefits" signals a shift but could be more explicitly connected to the previous paragraph’s content.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link the ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the benefits, you could introduce the drawbacks with a phrase like, "Despite these appealing advantages, it is crucial to consider the significant challenges that accompany celebrity status."
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for clarity. Each paragraph has a clear focus: the first on the benefits and the second on the drawbacks. However, the second body paragraph could be further divided into smaller paragraphs to improve readability, especially where new ideas or examples are introduced, such as the mention of public pressure and its psychological effects.
- How to improve: Consider breaking the second body paragraph into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on the lack of privacy and public scrutiny, and the other on the psychological effects of this scrutiny. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point and improve overall clarity.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand," "However," and "As a result," which help to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, which can make the writing feel repetitive. For instance, the phrase "As a result" is used in both body paragraphs, which could be varied to maintain reader engagement.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeating "As a result," you could use alternatives like "Consequently," "Thus," or "This leads to." Additionally, consider using more complex cohesive devices, such as "In contrast" or "Conversely," to enhance the sophistication of your writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, implementing these suggestions could elevate the clarity and sophistication of the argument, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "notable figure," "luxurious lifestyle," and "public pressure." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "famous people" and "celebrities," which are used interchangeably but could be varied further to enhance the richness of the language. The use of phrases like "specific benefits" and "some certain privileges" indicates a tendency to use vague modifiers rather than more precise vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "famous people," you could use "public figures," "celebrities," or "high-profile individuals." Additionally, replace vague terms like "some certain privileges" with more specific language, such as "exclusive opportunities" or "unique advantages."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "the impacts of privacy intrusion can have definitely outweigh the advantages" is awkward and unclear. The use of "specific benefits" is also vague, as it does not specify what those benefits are. Furthermore, the phrase "maintain a standard model" is unclear and could confuse readers regarding what is meant.
- How to improve: Focus on clarity and precision in vocabulary. Instead of saying "specific benefits," specify what those benefits are, such as "financial security" or "increased public visibility." Revise unclear phrases for clarity; for instance, "maintain a standard model" could be rephrased to "uphold a public persona." This will help convey your ideas more effectively.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only a few minor errors. However, there are instances where spelling could be improved, such as "As a results" which should be "As a result." Additionally, the phrase "can seriously fall" is awkward and could be better expressed as "can seriously decline."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading your work carefully before submission. Utilize tools like spell checkers or grammar checkers to catch minor errors. Additionally, practice writing common terms and phrases to reinforce correct spelling in your memory. Reading more extensively can also help improve spelling and familiarize you with correct usage in context.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will help elevate the lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "In other words" effectively introduces contrasting ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way ideas are introduced and developed. The sentence "As a result, these sources of wealth give them a luxurious lifestyle and promote their reputation to the public" could be enhanced by varying the sentence structure to avoid monotony.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that combine ideas. For instance, instead of saying "celebrities can get some certain privileges," you could say, "While celebrities enjoy certain privileges, they also face significant challenges that can overshadow these benefits." Additionally, using a wider range of transition phrases and clauses can help create more dynamic sentence constructions.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "some certain privileges" is redundant; "certain privileges" would suffice. Additionally, the sentence "they might face privacy invasion" could be more clearly expressed as "they often face invasions of privacy." Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could improve readability, such as before "however" in the second paragraph.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on eliminating redundancy and ensuring that phrases are concise. Regularly reviewing common grammatical structures and practicing their usage can help. For punctuation, consider revisiting the rules for comma usage, especially in complex sentences, to ensure that clauses are properly separated and that the overall flow of the essay is smooth. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify areas where punctuation may be lacking or where sentence clarity can be improved.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals believe that being a notable figure, such as a renowned athlete or film star, presents both advantages and disadvantages. From my perspective, the benefits of this phenomenon do not outweigh its drawbacks. I believe that, although celebrities enjoy certain privileges, they may face significant privacy invasions.

On the one hand, famous people are entitled to specific benefits. When individuals become famous, they often possess substantial financial resources and significant social influence. This is very advantageous for them, as they can capitalize on their fame and influence to earn more money through their careers or social activities, such as advertising or volunteering. As a result, these sources of wealth afford them a luxurious lifestyle and enhance their reputation in the public eye, as more people may admire and respect them.

However, despite these benefits, I am of the opinion that famous individuals encounter more problems to overcome. In other words, they have little to no privacy and are constantly pursued by paparazzi and fans. Since celebrities have a great influence on society, regardless of their location or activities, they could be watched and scrutinized, much like living in a goldfish bowl. Public pressure forces them to consistently maintain a professional image or avoid public appearances; otherwise, they might easily become embroiled in scandals and dramas. As a result, this can lead to stress, anxiety, or even depression, making their careers unstable and potentially causing them to seriously deteriorate. For instance, studies show that compared to ordinary people, celebrities involved in creative and artistic pursuits are more likely to experience depression.

In conclusion, despite the certain rights that celebrities possess, I reaffirm my stance that the effects of privacy breaches can definitely outweigh the advantages.