some people think that it is unethical for advertising agency to aim at small children when producing ads while others believe otherwise. what is your opinion of this matter

Some people think that it is unethical and wrong for advertising agency to aim at toddlers while the others disagree. For me, I agree with the point that company should stop making children as their viewer for meaningless commercials.
Advertisement are very bad for children for many reasons. First commercial can consist of many inaccurate or mature informations and contents. This can affect how small toddlers think and will lead to many future psychological problems. For example, when a child is in the mind developing process or period, we can easily affect their thinking system and by any chances could make them worse. Second, some commercials can make children wants to buy the things that are adventive which can lead to arguments with parents and bad habits. If a toddler can’t get what he want, he will traumatize their parents to buy it. This is a very annoying problems that still happens throughout this century. The children can keep that bad habits to the future and somehow be a very bad person which leads to many problems.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Some people think" -> "Some individuals believe"
Explanation: Replacing "Some people think" with "Some individuals believe" enhances the formality and specificity of the statement, aligning better with academic style.
"it is unethical and wrong" -> "it is morally reprehensible"
Explanation: "Morally reprehensible" is a more precise and formal term that conveys strong ethical disapproval, which is more suitable for academic writing.
"aim at toddlers" -> "target young children"
Explanation: "Target young children" is more specific and appropriate in an academic context than the more colloquial "aim at toddlers."
"For me, I agree" -> "I concur"
Explanation: "I concur" is a more formal expression that avoids the informal structure of "For me, I agree," which is more suitable for academic writing.
"company should stop making children as their viewer" -> "companies should refrain from targeting children as their audience"
Explanation: "Companies should refrain from targeting children as their audience" is more precise and formal, replacing the less formal "making children as their viewer."
"Advertisement are" -> "Advertisements are"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error from the plural noun "Advertisement" to the plural form "Advertisements."
"can consist of many inaccurate or mature informations and contents" -> "may contain inaccurate or mature information and content"
Explanation: "May contain" is more precise and academically appropriate than "can consist of," and "information and content" should be singular to match the singular verb "contain."
"in the mind developing process or period" -> "during the cognitive development process"
Explanation: "During the cognitive development process" is more specific and academically precise than the vague "in the mind developing process or period."
"by any chances could make them worse" -> "potentially could worsen their condition"
Explanation: "Potentially could worsen their condition" is more formal and clearer than "by any chances could make them worse."
"make children wants to buy" -> "influence children to purchase"
Explanation: "Influence children to purchase" is more formal and precise than "make children wants to buy."
"adventive" -> "adventurous"
Explanation: "Adventurous" is the correct adjective to describe products or items that are new or exciting, whereas "adventive" is not a recognized word.
"wants to buy the things that are adventive" -> "desire to purchase items that are innovative"
Explanation: "Desire to purchase items that are innovative" corrects the misuse of "adventive" and enhances the formality of the sentence.
"he will traumatize their parents" -> "he may coerce their parents"
Explanation: "Coerce" is a more appropriate verb than "traumatize," which is emotionally charged and not suitable for this context. "May" also softens the tone appropriately.
"a very annoying problems" -> "a significant problem"
Explanation: "A significant problem" corrects the grammatical error and uses a more formal term to describe the issue.
"keep that bad habits" -> "retain these bad habits"
Explanation: "Retain these bad habits" is grammatically correct and more formal than "keep that bad habits."
"be a very bad person" -> "become a problematic individual"
Explanation: "Become a problematic individual" is a more formal and less judgmental way to describe the potential outcome, aligning better with academic standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by presenting two opposing views regarding the ethics of advertising to children. However, it does not fully explore the arguments for both sides, particularly the perspective that supports advertising to children. The response primarily focuses on the writer’s opinion against it, which limits the depth of analysis. For instance, the mention of "the others disagree" is vague and lacks elaboration on what those arguments might be.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should include a brief overview of the opposing viewpoint. This could involve acknowledging reasons why some believe advertising to children can be acceptable, such as the potential for educational content or the role of advertising in informing children about products. By addressing both sides more comprehensively, the essay would demonstrate a more balanced understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer’s position is clear in that they believe advertising to children is unethical. However, the essay lacks consistency in reinforcing this stance throughout. Phrases like "for meaningless commercials" and "very bad for children" are subjective and could be articulated more formally to strengthen the argument. Additionally, the transition from one point to another is abrupt, which can confuse the reader about the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should use topic sentences that explicitly state their viewpoint at the beginning of each paragraph. Additionally, linking phrases can help create smoother transitions between ideas, reinforcing the central argument throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding the negative impacts of advertising on children, such as the potential for psychological issues and the development of bad habits. However, these points are not well-developed or supported with sufficient evidence. For example, the claim about "inaccurate or mature informations" is vague and could benefit from specific examples or studies that illustrate these claims.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide specific examples, statistics, or studies that back up their claims. Additionally, expanding on each point with further explanation will help to create a more persuasive argument. For instance, discussing how advertising influences children’s desires and behaviors in more detail would provide a stronger foundation for the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the ethical implications of advertising to children. However, some sentences contain grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that distract from the main argument. For instance, phrases like "the mind developing process or period" could be simplified to "developmental stage" for clarity.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and clarity, the writer should ensure that each sentence contributes directly to the main argument. Editing for grammatical accuracy and clarity will also help keep the reader engaged. Additionally, using clear and concise language will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic, it requires significant improvements in addressing all parts of the question, maintaining a clear position, developing and supporting ideas, and staying focused on the topic. By incorporating these suggestions, the writer can enhance the quality of their response and aim for a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the issue, stating that advertising agencies should not target children. However, the organization of information within the essay lacks a logical flow. The introduction briefly mentions the opposing view but does not elaborate on it, leading to an abrupt transition into the main argument. The body paragraphs provide reasons and examples, but they are not well-structured or logically sequenced. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the negative impact of commercials on children’s psychological development, while the second paragraph shifts to the issue of children wanting to buy advertised products without a clear transition.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, start with a clear introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed. Each body paragraph should focus on a single idea, introduced with a topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples. Use clear transitions between paragraphs to guide the reader through the argument. For example, after discussing the psychological impact, you could use a transition like "Furthermore, advertisements can also lead to materialistic desires in children…" to introduce the next point.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but they are not effectively structured. The introduction is too brief and does not provide a clear roadmap for the essay. The body paragraphs contain multiple ideas that are not clearly separated, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. Additionally, the conclusion is missing, leaving the essay feeling incomplete.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear purpose and focuses on a single idea. Start with an introduction that outlines the main points and provides a thesis statement. Each body paragraph should begin with a topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples. Conclude with a paragraph that summarizes the main points and restates the thesis in light of the arguments presented. For example, "In conclusion, targeting children in advertisements is unethical due to its potential psychological impact and the promotion of materialistic desires."
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as "First" and "Second," to organize points. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and their use is sometimes awkward or incorrect. For instance, "For example, when a child is in the mind developing process or period, we can easily affect their thinking system and by any chances could make them worse" is a convoluted sentence that lacks clarity and proper cohesion.
- How to improve: To improve cohesion, use a wider range of cohesive devices such as conjunctions, pronouns, and transitional phrases. Ensure that these devices are used correctly to link ideas within and between sentences. For example, "Firstly, advertisements can contain inaccurate or mature content that negatively affects children’s psychological development. Additionally, these commercials often promote materialistic desires, leading to conflicts with parents." This approach not only clarifies the relationship between ideas but also enhances the overall coherence of the essay.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a more logical structure, clearer paragraphing, and better use of cohesive devices, ultimately improving its coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary, but it lacks variety and sophistication. Words like "unethical," "wrong," "advertising agency," and "commercials" are used, but the repetition of simpler terms such as "bad" and "problems" indicates a limited lexical range. For instance, phrases like "very bad for children" could be enhanced with synonyms such as "detrimental" or "harmful," which would elevate the language.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more descriptive language. For example, instead of repeatedly using "bad," they could explore terms like "detrimental," "harmful," or "adverse." Additionally, using phrases like "target audience" instead of "viewers" can also diversify the vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "make children wants to buy the things that are adventive" is unclear; "adventive" is not commonly used in this context and may confuse readers. Furthermore, "meaningless commercials" could be more accurately described as "misleading" or "exploitative," which conveys a clearer meaning.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects their intended meaning. For instance, replacing "adventive" with "appealing" or "enticing" would clarify the message. Additionally, using phrases like "influence children’s purchasing behavior" instead of "make children wants to buy" would enhance precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "advertising agency" (should be pluralized as "advertising agencies"), "informations" (should be "information"), and "traumatize" (which is used incorrectly in context). These errors detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading and utilize spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary and terms relevant to the topic can help. Keeping a list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay meets the basic requirements of the task, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute significantly to improving the Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, with few complex sentences present. For example, the sentence "Advertisement are very bad for children for many reasons" is a straightforward structure that lacks complexity. Additionally, phrases like "this can affect how small toddlers think" and "we can easily affect their thinking system" show a repetition of similar structures, which does not enhance the overall variety.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying "some commercials can make children wants to buy the things that are adventive," the writer could say, "Some commercials, which often feature enticing products, can lead children to develop a desire for items that are not necessary." This not only adds complexity but also improves clarity and engagement.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For instance, "advertising agency" should be pluralized to "advertising agencies," and "Advertisement are" should be corrected to "Advertisements are." Additionally, the phrase "the others disagree" is awkwardly constructed and lacks clarity. The use of commas is inconsistent, such as in "when a child is in the mind developing process or period," where a clearer structure would benefit from rephrasing and proper punctuation.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. A thorough proofreading process is essential to catch these errors. Practicing sentence combining and restructuring can also help improve fluency. For example, instead of saying "this is a very annoying problems that still happens throughout this century," the writer could revise it to "this is a very annoying problem that continues to occur in today’s society." This not only corrects the grammatical error but also improves the overall flow of the writing.

By addressing these areas of improvement, the writer can enhance their grammatical range and accuracy, which will contribute to a higher band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some people think that it is unethical and wrong for advertising agencies to aim at toddlers while others disagree. For me, I concur with the point that companies should stop targeting children as their audience for meaningless commercials.

Advertisements are very harmful to children for many reasons. First, commercials can consist of many inaccurate or mature information and content. This can affect how small toddlers think and may lead to many future psychological problems. For example, when a child is in the cognitive development process, we can easily influence their thinking system and, by any chance, potentially worsen their condition. Second, some commercials can make children desire to purchase items that are innovative, which can lead to arguments with parents and the development of bad habits. If a toddler can’t get what he wants, he may coerce their parents into buying it. This is a significant problem that still happens throughout this century. Children can retain these bad habits into the future and somehow become problematic individuals, which leads to many issues.