TRAM ANH-CHIA THEO CATEGORY

The line graph gives information about the amount of money spent on services of technical devices yearly during the given time frame from 2001 to 2010.
Overall, the spending on cell phone services followed an upward trend and was higher than that of residential phone services, which was recorded a decline in the expenditure.
Regarding the former, people spent around 200 on cell phone services in the first year and continued to rise slightly to 300 in 2002 before remaining stable in the next one year. In the rest of the period, the expenditure allocated for cell phone services witnessed a significant increase of 500, making it the highest figure.
Moreover, there was 700 worth of money used for residential phone services, which was noticeably higher than cell phone services in 2001. Over 5 years, the figure experienced a downward trend and became lower than the other data’s number before continuously decreasing to just over 300 in the last year.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line graph gives information about" -> "The line graph illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is more precise and academically appropriate than "gives information about," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"the amount of money spent on services of technical devices yearly" -> "the annual expenditure on technical devices"
Explanation: "Annual expenditure" is a more concise and formal way to describe the recurring nature of the data, eliminating the redundancy of "the amount of money spent on services of."
"followed an upward trend" -> "exhibited an upward trend"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is more formal and precise in academic contexts than "followed," which can be seen as too conversational.
"was higher than that of" -> "exceeded that of"
Explanation: "Exceeded" is a more direct and formal term than "was higher than," which is slightly informal.
"recorded a decline in the expenditure" -> "showed a decline in expenditure"
Explanation: "Showed" is more commonly used in academic writing to describe the presentation of data, making it more suitable than "recorded."
"people spent around 200 on cell phone services" -> "approximately $200 was spent on cell phone services"
Explanation: "Approximately $200 was spent" is more precise and formal, avoiding the colloquial "people spent around."
"continued to rise slightly to 300" -> "increased slightly to $300"
Explanation: "Increased" is more specific and formal than "continued to rise," and specifying the dollar amount improves clarity.
"the expenditure allocated for cell phone services witnessed a significant increase of 500" -> "expenditure on cell phone services experienced a substantial increase of $500"
Explanation: "Experienced" is more appropriate for describing the impact of events on data, and specifying "substantial" instead of "significant" adds nuance.
"there was 700 worth of money used for residential phone services" -> "approximately $700 was spent on residential phone services"
Explanation: "Approximately $700 was spent" corrects the awkward phrasing and adds formality.
"the figure experienced a downward trend" -> "the expenditure trended downward"
Explanation: "Trended downward" is a more concise and formal expression than "experienced a downward trend."
"the other data’s number" -> "the other figures"
Explanation: "Figures" is more precise and formal than "data’s number," which is awkward and unclear.
"just over 300" -> "approximately $300"
Explanation: "Approximately $300" is more precise and formal than "just over 300," which is somewhat colloquial.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. Instead, it recounts details mechanically, with no clear overview. The essay also does not provide any data to support the description.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also provide data to support the description. For example, the essay could state that "the expenditure on cell phone services increased significantly from 2001 to 2010, while the expenditure on residential phone services decreased." The essay could also provide specific figures to support these statements. For example, the essay could state that "the expenditure on cell phone services increased from 200 to 700, while the expenditure on residential phone services decreased from 700 to 300."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction to the details about spending on cell phone and residential phone services. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion is somewhat mechanical, and the referencing could be clearer. For example, the phrase "the other data’s number" is vague and could confuse the reader. Additionally, the paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the transition between the discussion of cell phone services and residential phone services could be smoother.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally, ensuring that references are clear and specific. Improving the logical flow between paragraphs and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic will also help. For instance, introducing a transitional phrase when shifting from one type of service to another could improve clarity. Finally, ensuring that each point is fully developed before moving on to the next will strengthen the overall progression of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, allowing for basic communication of ideas. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "upward trend" and "expenditure," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and phrasing, such as "the expenditure allocated for cell phone services witnessed a significant increase of 500," which lacks clarity. There are also some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "the other data’s number," which may confuse the reader but do not completely impede understanding.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and using more precise language. They should also aim to reduce errors in word choice and improve clarity in their expressions. Incorporating more sophisticated lexical items and ensuring correct collocations would enhance the overall quality of the essay. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical accuracy would help in minimizing errors that could distract the reader.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 level. While there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing (e.g., "the expenditure allocated for cell phone services witnessed a significant increase of 500"), these errors do not significantly impede communication. The writer shows an ability to convey information clearly, but the presence of errors in grammar and punctuation indicates that there is room for improvement in accuracy.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex structures and ensure that they are used accurately.
Minimize Errors: Proofread the essay to correct grammatical mistakes and awkward phrasing that may detract from clarity.
Enhance Punctuation: Ensure that punctuation is used correctly to aid in the readability of sentences.
Practice Consistency: Aim for more consistent error-free sentences to demonstrate better control over grammar and punctuation.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph provides information about the amount of money spent on technical device services annually during the period from 2001 to 2010. Overall, spending on cell phone services exhibited an upward trend and consistently surpassed that of residential phone services, which experienced a decline in expenditure.

In the case of cell phone services, individuals spent approximately 200 in the first year, which increased slightly to 300 in 2002 before remaining stable for the following year. Throughout the rest of the period, expenditure on cell phone services saw a significant rise, reaching 700, making it the highest figure recorded.

Conversely, in 2001, the expenditure on residential phone services was 700, noticeably higher than that for cell phone services. Over the next five years, this figure experienced a downward trend, falling below that of cell phone services before continuously decreasing to just over 300 by the final year.