Some people think that success comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Many individuals claim that a high level of devotion to work and determination is the primary key to future achievements. Nevertheless, others argue that some other lucky factors, such as financial circumstances and external image, are more significant. This essay attempts to shed light on these two schools of thought before concluding that I am in favor of the former notion.

On the one hand, there are several factors that contribute to the success of individuals, with appearance and family background being two noteworthy elements. Regarding the former, beauty and attractive looks could be a priority that a plethora of well-paying companies and job interviewers find when hiring new employees. A prime example of this can be seen in Vogue, the renowned fashion magazine brand in the world. To be specific, this business meticulously selects models based on rigorous standards, such as anatomy, facial features, weight, and height, which enables them to ensure stable revenue and a foothold in a competitive market. As a result, with the brand’s strict criteria and fame, these models working on this firm not only can earn a lucrative income but also can be well-known globally. With respect to the latter, some people who are born into wealthy families can be successful at a young age due to the accessibility to inheritances and established businesses . As a result, they can be provided the available career path and have better earnings without the same level of effort required by their peers.

On the other hand, there are a host of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that the aforementioned aspects pale in comparison with the factors that create accomplishment that can be clarified in the following arguments. One justification that can be cited is that although it is irrefutable that fortunate factors, such as family circumstances, and beauty, can partly help people to gain better successful opportunities in their future, they still have to be hard-working and diligent. This is in light of the fact that before being passed down the position in their family firms or working as a prominent model, these individuals need to prove their real ability and put enormous efforts into working. If without sufficient determination, they might put their companies in jeopardy of bankrupting or being fired due to a lack of ability to compete with other competitors and deal with adversities. Another reason is that real talents and a remarkable level of passion can be primary elements that keep humans in their pursuit and success. The explanation of this view is that having profound interests and satisfaction in their occupation can instill in them a sense of motivation to devote more time and effort to their jobs, leading to the results and eventually make people appreciate their fruitfulness and try harder in the future.

In conclusion, even though it is irrefutable that lucky contributions such as attractiveness or a wealthy foundation can potentially result in the achievements of many people in the foreseeable future, I would contend that a significant level of determination and real talents can be the decisive elements that help humans to achieve their targets and success.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Many individuals claim" -> "Many scholars argue"
Explanation: Replacing "individuals claim" with "scholars argue" elevates the formality and specificity of the statement, aligning it better with academic discourse.
"lucky factors" -> "fortuitous factors"
Explanation: "Fortuitous" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "lucky," which is somewhat informal and vague in this context.
"devotion to work and determination" -> "commitment to work and determination"
Explanation: "Commitment" is a more formal synonym for "devotion," enhancing the academic tone of the essay.
"some other lucky factors" -> "other fortuitous factors"
Explanation: Consistency in terminology is maintained by using "fortuitous" instead of "lucky" to maintain a formal tone.
"beauty and attractive looks" -> "physical attractiveness"
Explanation: "Physical attractiveness" is a more precise and formal term than "beauty and attractive looks," which is somewhat colloquial.
"plethora" -> "abundance"
Explanation: "Abundance" is a more formal synonym for "plethora," fitting better in an academic context.
"meticulously selects" -> "carefully selects"
Explanation: "Carefully" is a more precise and less dramatic term than "meticulously," which can be seen as overly emphatic in this context.
"stable revenue" -> "consistent revenue"
Explanation: "Consistent" is a more precise term than "stable" in this context, as it specifically refers to the steadiness of income over time.
"foolish" -> "fortunate"
Explanation: "Fortunate" is a more appropriate term than "foolish" in this context, as it correctly describes the advantageous circumstances.
"can be provided the available career path" -> "can access established career paths"
Explanation: "Can access established career paths" is more precise and grammatically correct than the awkward and unclear "can be provided the available career path."
"have better earnings" -> "earn higher incomes"
Explanation: "Earn higher incomes" is a more formal and precise expression than "have better earnings."
"pale in comparison" -> "are less significant"
Explanation: "Are less significant" is a more direct and formal way to express the comparative idea, avoiding the idiomatic "pale in comparison."
"create accomplishment" -> "achieve success"
Explanation: "Achieve success" is a more direct and formal phrase than "create accomplishment," which is awkward and unclear.
"put enormous efforts" -> "exert considerable effort"
Explanation: "Exert considerable effort" is a more formal and precise way to describe the level of effort required.
"put their companies in jeopardy of bankrupting" -> "jeopardize their companies’ financial stability"
Explanation: "Jeopardize their companies’ financial stability" is a more precise and formal way to express the potential risk to the companies’ financial health.
"remarkable level of passion" -> "high level of passion"
Explanation: "High level of passion" is a more straightforward and academically appropriate term than "remarkable," which can be seen as overly subjective.
"instill in them a sense of motivation" -> "inspire them with motivation"
Explanation: "Inspire them with motivation" is a more formal and direct way to describe the effect of interest on motivation.
"make people appreciate their fruitfulness" -> "lead to recognition of their achievements"
Explanation: "Lead to recognition of their achievements" is a clearer and more formal expression than "make people appreciate their fruitfulness," which is awkward and unclear.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding the factors contributing to success. The first half discusses the importance of external factors such as appearance and financial background, providing relevant examples like the fashion industry and wealthy families. The second half presents a clear argument supporting hard work and determination as more critical factors. However, while both perspectives are discussed, the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of the opposing view to enhance the depth of the discussion.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer could include more examples or evidence supporting the view that hard work and determination are paramount. Additionally, acknowledging counterarguments in more detail could strengthen the overall analysis and provide a more nuanced perspective.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position favoring hard work and determination, especially in the concluding paragraph. The writer articulates their stance effectively, stating that while external factors can play a role, they are not as significant as personal effort. However, the transition between discussing the two views could be smoother to reinforce the writer’s position throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, the writer could use more explicit transitional phrases when shifting between the two viewpoints. For instance, reiterating their stance at the beginning of the second half could remind readers of their position and help maintain focus.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, particularly in the discussion of external factors and the importance of hard work. The use of examples, such as the fashion industry and family wealth, supports the argument well. However, some points, particularly regarding the benefits of hard work, could be further elaborated to provide a more robust argument.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to extend their ideas by providing more detailed examples or anecdotes that illustrate the impact of hard work and determination. For instance, including a specific success story of an individual who overcame adversity through hard work could make the argument more compelling and relatable.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt’s requirements. However, there are moments where the discussion of external factors could be seen as slightly tangential, particularly when detailing the selection criteria of models. While relevant, it may detract from the central argument if not tied back to the overall discussion of success.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all examples directly relate back to the main argument about success. They could briefly explain how each example supports their point, reinforcing the connection between external factors and the broader discussion of success.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, there are opportunities for improvement in balancing the discussion of both views, enhancing transitions, elaborating on key points, and ensuring all examples are tightly connected to the central theme.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with a well-defined introduction, body paragraphs discussing each viewpoint, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the two perspectives on success, setting the stage for the discussion. The body paragraphs are organized to first present the opposing view (the importance of appearance and wealth) and then the author’s own perspective (the significance of hard work and determination). This logical progression aids in understanding the argument. However, the transition between the two main ideas could be smoother, particularly when moving from discussing external factors to internal qualities.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer transition phrases between paragraphs and within them. For example, when shifting from discussing external factors to internal qualities, phrases like "In contrast" or "Conversely" can help signal the change in focus. Additionally, summarizing the main point of each paragraph at the end can reinforce the logical connections between ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses external factors contributing to success, while the second body paragraph presents the author’s viewpoint on the importance of hard work. Each paragraph is relatively well-developed, containing examples and explanations that support the main idea. However, some paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of the paragraph.
- How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences of each paragraph to clearly indicate the main idea being discussed. For example, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence like, "External factors such as appearance and wealth play a significant role in determining success." This would provide a clearer framework for the reader. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a concluding sentence that ties back to the main argument can enhance coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "nevertheless," "on the one hand," and "in conclusion," which help to guide the reader through the argument. The use of examples, such as the reference to Vogue, effectively illustrates points made. However, the essay could benefit from a wider variety of cohesive devices and more explicit connections between ideas. For instance, while the essay uses some linking words, there are moments where the flow could be improved with additional transitions or synonyms to avoid repetition.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "for instance," and "however," to connect ideas more fluidly. Additionally, using pronouns or synonyms can help avoid redundancy. For example, instead of repeating "these individuals," you might use "they" or "such people" in subsequent references to maintain cohesion without sounding repetitive.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion, enhancing its overall effectiveness in communicating the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms like "devotion," "determination," "noteworthy," "lucrative," and "jeopardy." These words enhance the clarity and sophistication of the arguments presented. The use of phrases like "a plethora of" and "meticulously selects" indicates an ability to use varied expressions. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied or nuanced, such as using "successful opportunities" instead of simply "opportunities for success."
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms or more advanced expressions. For example, instead of repeating "success," you could use "achievement," "accomplishment," or "prosperity" to add variety. Additionally, exploring idiomatic expressions or collocations related to success and hard work could enrich the essay further.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are moments of imprecision. For instance, the phrase "lucky factors" could be more accurately described as "fortuitous circumstances" or "serendipitous elements." The term "appearance" is somewhat vague; specifying "physical appearance" or "aesthetic appeal" could provide clearer meaning. The phrase "the aforementioned aspects pale in comparison" is effective, but the use of "pale" may not be the best choice in this context, as it could imply a lack of importance rather than a comparative analysis.
- How to improve: Focus on using more precise language that conveys your ideas more clearly. When discussing concepts like success and determination, consider using terms that capture the nuances of your argument. For example, instead of "some other lucky factors," you might say "additional advantageous factors," which conveys a more formal tone and precise meaning.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is largely accurate, with no glaring errors that impede understanding. Words like "determination," "achievements," and "entrepreneurs" are spelled correctly, reflecting a solid grasp of English spelling conventions. However, there is a minor issue with spacing in "business . As a result," where the space before the period is unnecessary.
- How to improve: To maintain high spelling accuracy, it is advisable to proofread the essay carefully. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or reading the essay aloud can help catch minor mistakes. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and familiarizing yourself with spelling rules can further enhance your spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of lexical resource with a good range of vocabulary and generally precise usage, there is room for improvement in vocabulary variety, precision, and minor spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can aim for an even higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "This essay attempts to shed light on these two schools of thought before concluding that I am in favor of the former notion" effectively convey nuanced ideas. Additionally, the use of conditional structures, as seen in "If without sufficient determination, they might put their companies in jeopardy of bankrupting," showcases an ability to express hypothetical situations. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and structures, such as starting multiple sentences with "there are" or "some people," which can detract from overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should aim to vary sentence openings and incorporate more diverse grammatical forms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "there are" or "some people," the writer could use introductory phrases or clauses, such as "Many argue that…" or "It is often said that…". Additionally, integrating more compound-complex sentences could further enrich the essay’s structure.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits strong grammatical control, with few errors that do not impede understanding. For example, phrases like "a plethora of well-paying companies" and "the renowned fashion magazine brand in the world" are grammatically correct and effectively convey meaning. However, there are minor punctuation issues, such as the unnecessary space before the period in "businesses .", which detracts from the overall professionalism of the writing. Additionally, the phrase "can be provided the available career path" could be more clearly expressed as "can be provided with better career paths."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation, the writer should carefully proofread the essay to catch minor errors, particularly with spacing and prepositions. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers could also help identify areas for improvement. Furthermore, practicing sentence restructuring to eliminate awkward phrases would enhance clarity and precision in expression.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, meriting a high band score. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision, the writer can further elevate their writing quality.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many individuals claim that a high level of commitment to work and determination is the primary key to future achievements. Nevertheless, others argue that other fortuitous factors, such as financial circumstances and physical attractiveness, are more significant. This essay attempts to shed light on these two schools of thought before concluding that I am in favor of the former notion.

On the one hand, there are several factors that contribute to the success of individuals, with appearance and family background being two noteworthy elements. Regarding the former, beauty and attractive looks could be a priority that many well-paying companies and job interviewers consider when hiring new employees. A prime example of this can be seen in Vogue, the renowned fashion magazine brand in the world. To be specific, this business carefully selects models based on rigorous standards, such as anatomy, facial features, weight, and height, which enables them to ensure consistent revenue and a foothold in a competitive market. As a result, with the brand’s strict criteria and fame, these models working for this firm not only can earn a lucrative income but also can become well-known globally. With respect to the latter, some people who are born into wealthy families can achieve success at a young age due to their access to inheritances and established businesses. As a result, they can follow available career paths and earn higher incomes without the same level of effort required by their peers.

On the other hand, there are a host of compelling reasons why I am convinced that the aforementioned aspects pale in comparison with the factors that lead to accomplishment, which can be clarified in the following arguments. One justification that can be cited is that, although it is irrefutable that fortunate factors, such as family circumstances and beauty, can partly help people gain better opportunities for success in their future, they still have to be hard-working and diligent. This is because, before being passed down positions in their family firms or working as prominent models, these individuals need to prove their real ability and exert considerable effort in their work. Without sufficient determination, they might jeopardize their companies’ financial stability or risk being fired due to a lack of ability to compete with other competitors and deal with adversities. Another reason is that real talents and a high level of passion can be primary elements that inspire individuals in their pursuit of success. The explanation of this view is that having profound interests and satisfaction in their occupation can instill in them a sense of motivation to devote more time and effort to their jobs, leading to fruitful results and eventually recognition of their achievements.

In conclusion, even though it is irrefutable that fortuitous contributions such as physical attractiveness or a wealthy foundation can potentially result in the achievements of many people in the foreseeable future, I would contend that a significant level of determination and real talents can be the decisive elements that help individuals achieve their targets and attain success.