The diagrams below show changes in Happy Valley Shopping Centre in 1982 and 2012. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The maps illustrate the building transformation of Happy Valley Shopping Centre between1982 and 2012.

Overall, there was a major change in the building size and tenants placement inside. Morever, some new facilities are introduced, whereas the natural area have been removed.

In 1982, there was a lake located near the road entrance to the shopping centre building. Furthermore, there are 26 trees around the bulding. A lobby area welcomed us at the front door and it was between a coffee shop and toilets. Moving to the west side, a large entertainment area was in the center of floor, locating between a food store and elevators to the second floor. The commercials area was spotted on the western side of building, they are sport store, electronic store, furniture store.

By 2012, the shopping center became wider, removing the lake and adding a parking lot which directly connected to the entrance area. A large furniture retail was seen on the eastern side of the building. While the entertainment area was remain unchanged, the sports center and electronics store were replaced to across the elevators. The western side of the building were transformed to be theme restaurants and a food store. In addition, the number of trees around the building reduced to 23 trees.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"maps illustrate" -> "the maps illustrate"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "maps" corrects the grammatical error and enhances the formal tone of the sentence.
"building transformation" -> "transformation of the building"
Explanation: Reordering the phrase to "transformation of the building" aligns better with formal academic style, emphasizing the subject of the transformation.
"Morever" -> "Moreover"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling of "Morever" to "Moreover" addresses a typographical error and maintains professionalism.
"the natural area have been removed" -> "the natural area was removed"
Explanation: Changing "have been removed" to "was removed" corrects the verb tense to match the past simple tense used throughout the essay.
"there are 26 trees around the bulding" -> "there were 26 trees surrounding the building"
Explanation: Changing "are" to "were" corrects the verb tense to match the past context, and "surrounding" is more precise than "around."
"A lobby area welcomed us at the front door" -> "a lobby area greeted visitors at the entrance"
Explanation: Replacing "welcomed us" with "greeted visitors" uses more formal language and avoids the first-person pronoun "us," which is less appropriate in academic writing.
"it was between a coffee shop and toilets" -> "it was situated between a coffee shop and restrooms"
Explanation: Replacing "toilets" with "restrooms" and "was" with "was situated" improves the formality and specificity of the description.
"The commercials area was spotted on the western side of building, they are sport store, electronic store, furniture store" -> "The commercial area on the western side of the building housed sport, electronics, and furniture stores"
Explanation: Correcting grammatical errors and replacing "spotted" with "housed" clarifies the meaning and enhances the formal tone.
"By 2012, the shopping center became wider, removing the lake and adding a parking lot which directly connected to the entrance area" -> "By 2012, the shopping center expanded, eliminating the lake and incorporating a parking lot directly adjacent to the entrance"
Explanation: "Expanded" and "eliminating" are more precise and formal than "became wider" and "removing," and "incorporating" is more appropriate than "adding."
"The western side of the building were transformed to be theme restaurants and a food store" -> "The western side of the building was transformed into theme restaurants and a food store"
Explanation: Correcting "were" to "was" aligns with the singular subject "building," and "into" is more precise than "to be."
"In addition, the number of trees around the building reduced to 23 trees" -> "Additionally, the number of trees surrounding the building decreased to 23"
Explanation: "Additionally" is a more formal transitional phrase than "In addition," and "decreased" is more precise than "reduced" in this context.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the changes in the shopping centre. It also presents some key features, such as the addition of a parking lot and the removal of the lake. However, the essay does not fully highlight all the key features, and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the entertainment area remained unchanged, but the diagram shows that it has been moved.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a more comprehensive overview of the changes, highlighting all the key features and providing accurate details. The essay could also be made more concise and focused by removing irrelevant information.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While the main features of the diagrams are mentioned, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to a somewhat disjointed reading experience. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which detracts from the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, the paragraphing is inconsistent; while there are attempts to separate ideas, the logical flow is often disrupted, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument effectively.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow of ideas. This can be achieved by using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Additionally, the essay would benefit from a more structured approach to paragraphing, where each paragraph clearly builds on the previous one, creating a smoother progression of ideas. Finally, revising for clarity in referencing and reducing redundancy will help strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary such as "transformation," "tenants placement," and "entertainment area." However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the natural area have been removed" (should be "has been removed") and "the commercials area" (should be "the commercial area"). Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "buliding" instead of "building" and "remain unchanged" instead of "remained unchanged." These errors do not severely impede communication, but they do affect the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and ensuring accurate word choice and collocation. Additionally, careful proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors would enhance the overall quality of the writing. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and varied sentence structures can also contribute to a more polished and effective essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb forms ("were transformed to be"), subject-verb agreement issues ("the sports center and electronics store were replaced to across the elevators"), and punctuation mistakes. These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. While the essay attempts to convey the main features of the diagrams, the grammatical inaccuracies detract from the overall clarity and effectiveness of the communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the variety of sentence structures used, incorporating more complex sentences accurately. Additionally, careful proofreading for grammatical errors and punctuation would enhance clarity. Practicing the correct use of tenses and ensuring subject-verb agreement will also contribute to a more polished and error-free essay. Engaging with grammar resources or seeking feedback from knowledgeable peers could further aid in improving grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The maps illustrate the transformation of Happy Valley Shopping Centre between 1982 and 2012.

Overall, there was a significant change in the building’s size and the placement of tenants inside. Furthermore, some new facilities were introduced, while the natural area was reduced.

In 1982, there was a lake located near the road entrance to the shopping centre. Additionally, there were 26 trees surrounding the building. A lobby area welcomed visitors at the front door, situated between a coffee shop and toilets. Moving to the west side, a large entertainment area was centrally located between a food store and the elevators to the second floor. The commercial area was found on the western side of the building, which included a sports store, an electronics store, and a furniture store.

By 2012, the shopping centre had expanded, with the lake removed and a parking lot added, directly connecting to the entrance area. A large furniture retail store was established on the eastern side of the building. While the entertainment area remained unchanged, the sports centre and electronics store were relocated across from the elevators. The western side of the building was transformed into themed restaurants and a food store. In addition, the number of trees around the building decreased to 23.