The diagram below shows the stage in the food production chain of the United States. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagram below shows the stage in the food production chain of the United States.
Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The provided diagram illustrates how food is produced and allocated to cater different types of individuals in the United States.

Overall, it is discernible that this linear process involve total 4 stages, commencing with delivering farm animals and ending with fresh meats are served for people.

Initially, cattle from farms are moved to the processing factory by specific vehicles. Afterwards, after parts from domesticated animals’ bodies are separated and disinfected, they are packaged and then transferred to a spacious storage facility in order to preservation. Once the second step is completed, flesh subsequently is distributed by trucks for retailers.

In the final stage, sustenance allotted from the reputable retail center, is used for two main purposes. For instance, with importing ingredients, which consist of raw meats, dishes are cooked by chefs and served for partakers in restaurants. Similarly, the one provided by the same source is also prepared for household families, frequently present at daily diets of them.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The provided diagram illustrates" -> "The diagram illustrates"
Explanation: Removing "The provided" simplifies the phrase and maintains a more formal tone, as "provided" is redundant in this context.
"cater different types of individuals" -> "serve various types of consumers"
Explanation: "Cater" is often used in the context of food service, but "serve" is more precise and commonly used in formal writing about food distribution. "Individuals" is replaced with "consumers" to specify the intended audience.
"total 4 stages" -> "four stages"
Explanation: "Total" is not necessary before a number in this context, and "four" is more formal and precise than "4."
"delivering farm animals" -> "transporting farm animals"
Explanation: "Delivering" implies direct delivery to the consumer, which is not the case here. "Transporting" is more accurate for describing the movement of animals between locations.
"fresh meats are served for people" -> "fresh meats are supplied to consumers"
Explanation: "Served for people" is vague and informal; "supplied to consumers" is more specific and appropriate for an academic context.
"specific vehicles" -> "specific vehicles" (no change)
Explanation: This phrase is already correct and does not require revision.
"afterwards, after parts from domesticated animals’ bodies are separated and disinfected" -> "subsequently, the separated and disinfected parts from domesticated animals’ bodies"
Explanation: "Afterwards" is informal and redundant; "subsequently" is more formal. Also, rephrasing the sentence improves clarity and flow.
"they are packaged and then transferred to a spacious storage facility in order to preservation" -> "they are packaged and then transferred to a spacious storage facility for preservation"
Explanation: "In order to preservation" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "For preservation" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"flesh subsequently is distributed" -> "the meat subsequently is distributed"
Explanation: "Flesh" is too informal and vague; "meat" is the correct term in this context, and "the" clarifies that it refers to the previously mentioned meat.
"sustenance allotted from the reputable retail center" -> "supplies distributed from the reputable retail center"
Explanation: "Sustenance" is too broad and informal; "supplies" is more precise and appropriate for describing food products. "Allotted" is replaced with "distributed" for clarity.
"is used for two main purposes" -> "serves two primary purposes"
Explanation: "Is used for" is somewhat informal and vague; "serves" is more active and precise, and "primary" is more formal than "main."
"with importing ingredients" -> "by importing ingredients"
Explanation: "With" is incorrectly used here; "by" is the correct preposition for indicating the means of action.
"dishes are cooked by chefs and served for partakers" -> "dishes are prepared by chefs and served to patrons"
Explanation: "Partakers" is an archaic term; "patrons" is more commonly used and appropriate in modern formal writing. "Are cooked" is replaced with "are prepared" for a more formal tone.
"the one provided by the same source is also prepared for household families" -> "the same supplies are also prepared for household consumers"
Explanation: "The one provided by the same source" is awkward and unclear; "the same supplies" is more direct and clear. "Household families" is redundant; "household consumers" is more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task by describing the stages of the food production chain. However, the essay does not provide a clear overview of the main features of the process. The essay also focuses on details rather than highlighting the key features of the process. For example, the essay mentions that "cattle from farms are moved to the processing factory by specific vehicles," but it does not explain the significance of this step in the overall process.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main features of the process. The essay should also focus on highlighting the key features of the process rather than focusing on details. For example, the essay could mention that the process involves four stages: production, processing, distribution, and consumption. The essay could then provide a brief description of each stage, highlighting the key features of each stage. The essay could also make comparisons between the different stages of the process. For example, the essay could compare the methods of transportation used in the production and distribution stages.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a coherent arrangement of information and ideas, with a clear overall progression from the initial stage of food production to the final distribution. However, while the essay uses cohesive devices effectively, there are instances where cohesion between sentences is somewhat mechanical, and referencing could be clearer. For example, phrases like "the one provided by the same source" could be more specific to enhance clarity. Additionally, the paragraphing is present but could be improved for logical flow, particularly in distinguishing between the different stages of the process.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the clarity and specificity of references to improve cohesion. More varied and sophisticated cohesive devices could be employed to create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph clearly presents a distinct stage of the process with logical progression would strengthen the overall organization of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary (e.g., "sustenance," "partakers," "disinfected"), but there are inaccuracies in word choice and some awkward phrasing (e.g., "flesh subsequently is distributed" and "used for two main purposes"). While the vocabulary is generally appropriate, there are noticeable errors in spelling and word formation (e.g., "involve total 4 stages" should be "involves a total of 4 stages," and "for preservation" instead of "for preservation"). These errors do not completely impede communication but do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with more precision and fewer inaccuracies. Practicing the use of synonyms and varying sentence structures can help avoid repetition and improve fluency. Additionally, careful proofreading to correct spelling and word formation errors will contribute to clearer communication. Engaging with more complex vocabulary and ensuring proper collocations will also strengthen the essay’s overall lexical quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. While there are some attempts at using complex structures, the overall grammatical accuracy is inconsistent. There are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation, such as "involve total 4 stages" (should be "involves a total of 4 stages") and "flesh subsequently is distributed" (should be "flesh is subsequently distributed"). These errors do not severely impede communication, but they do detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the accuracy of their grammatical structures and punctuation. This can be done by proofreading the essay to catch and correct errors, as well as practicing the use of more complex sentence forms with correct grammar. Additionally, ensuring that each sentence flows logically into the next will improve coherence and cohesion, which can enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided diagram illustrates how food is produced and allocated to cater to different types of individuals in the United States.

Overall, it is evident that this linear process involves a total of four stages, commencing with the delivery of farm animals and concluding with fresh meats being served to people.

Initially, cattle from farms are transported to the processing factory by specialized vehicles. After the parts from domesticated animals’ bodies are separated and disinfected, they are packaged and then transferred to a spacious storage facility for preservation. Once the second step is completed, the meat is subsequently distributed by trucks to retailers.

In the final stage, the food allocated from reputable retail centers is used for two main purposes. For instance, using imported ingredients, which consist of raw meats, chefs prepare dishes that are served to patrons in restaurants. Similarly, the products provided by the same source are also prepared for households, frequently forming part of their daily diets.