Write about the impact/ importance of the computer or mobile phone in our lives. You will have to write an essay of no more than 150 WORDS. You will have 20 MINUTES to do so.Please follow the basic essay format with an introduction, a (or more) body paragraph(s) and a conclusion

Write about the impact/ importance of the computer or mobile phone in our lives.
You will have to write an essay of no more than 150 WORDS. You will have 20 MINUTES to do so.Please follow the basic essay format with an introduction, a (or more) body paragraph(s) and a conclusion

Urban green spaces, including parks and community gardens, are essential for improving city living. These areas offer significant environmental, social, and health benefits. Environmentally, they help mitigate air pollution by acting as natural filters and reducing urban heat through shade and evapotranspiration. Socially, green spaces foster community interaction by providing places for socializing, recreation, and relaxation, which enhances the quality of life. Health-wise, they encourage physical activity and mental well-being by offering spaces for exercise and leisure. Additionally, urban green spaces support biodiversity by providing habitats for wildlife, which is crucial in densely built environments. In conclusion, incorporating green spaces into urban planning is vital for creating healthier, more sustainable, and more cohesive communities. Their multiple benefits underscore the importance of preserving and expanding these areas to enhance the overall urban experience.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Urban green spaces" -> "Urban green areas"
   Explanation: The term "spaces" can be replaced with "areas" to provide a more precise and formal term that is commonly used in academic and professional contexts when referring to open spaces in urban environments.

2. "are essential for improving city living" -> "are crucial for enhancing urban quality of life"
   Explanation: "Enhancing urban quality of life" is a more specific and academically appropriate phrase than "improving city living," which is somewhat vague and informal.

3. "These areas offer significant environmental, social, and health benefits" -> "These areas provide substantial environmental, social, and health benefits"
   Explanation: "Provide" is a more formal verb than "offer," aligning better with academic style. Additionally, "substantial" is a more precise adjective than "significant," which can be somewhat vague.

4. "help mitigate air pollution" -> "help alleviate air pollution"
   Explanation: "Alleviate" is a more precise term in this context, suggesting a reduction or relief from a problem, which is more specific than "mitigate," which can imply a broader range of actions.

5. "acting as natural filters" -> "functioning as natural filters"
   Explanation: "Functioning" is a more formal and precise verb than "acting," which is somewhat informal and less specific in this context.

6. "reduce urban heat" -> "reduce urban temperatures"
   Explanation: "Urban temperatures" is a more specific and scientifically accurate term than "urban heat," which is somewhat vague and informal.

7. "foster community interaction" -> "promote community interaction"
   Explanation: "Promote" is a more formal and precise verb than "foster," which can imply nurturing or development, which may not be the intended meaning in this context.

8. "enhances the quality of life" -> "enhances the quality of urban life"
   Explanation: Adding "urban" clarifies that the quality of life being referred to is specifically related to urban environments, making the statement more precise.

9. "encourage physical activity and mental well-being" -> "encourage physical activity and mental well-being"
   Explanation: This is a redundant repetition of the same phrase. It could be rephrased to "promote physical activity and mental well-being" to avoid redundancy and maintain formal tone.

10. "spaces for exercise and leisure" -> "spaces for physical activity and leisure"
    Explanation: "Physical activity" is a more specific term than "exercise," which is often associated with structured or formal activities, and is more appropriate in an academic context.

11. "support biodiversity" -> "contribute to biodiversity"
    Explanation: "Contribute to" is a more precise and formal way to express the role of urban green spaces in supporting biodiversity, aligning better with academic language.

12. "crucial in densely built environments" -> "essential in densely populated urban environments"
    Explanation: "Densely populated urban environments" is a more specific and accurate description than "densely built environments," which is less precise and could refer to any type of dense environment, not just urban ones.

13. "incorporating green spaces into urban planning" -> "integrating green spaces into urban planning"
    Explanation: "Integrating" is a more formal and precise term than "incorporating," which is slightly less formal and less specific in this context.

14. "enhance the overall urban experience" -> "improve the overall urban experience"
    Explanation: "Improve" is a more direct and formal verb than "enhance," which can be seen as slightly more vague and less direct in an academic context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 2

Band Score for Task Response: 2 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay does not address the prompt regarding the impact or importance of computers or mobile phones in our lives. Instead, it discusses urban green spaces, which is completely unrelated to the topic. This indicates a fundamental misunderstanding of the task requirements.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should carefully read the prompt and ensure that their essay directly responds to the specified topic. They should focus on discussing how computers or mobile phones influence daily life, including aspects such as communication, information access, and productivity.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: Since the essay does not pertain to the prompt, it lacks a clear position on the importance of computers or mobile phones. The writer presents a strong argument about green spaces, but this is irrelevant to the task, leading to confusion about the intended message.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should formulate a thesis statement that directly addresses the prompt. They should consistently refer back to this position throughout the essay, ensuring that all points made support the central argument regarding technology’s role in modern life.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents well-developed ideas about urban green spaces, including environmental, social, and health benefits. However, since these ideas do not relate to the prompt, they fail to fulfill the requirement of presenting and supporting relevant ideas about computers or mobile phones.
  • How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should brainstorm relevant points about the impact of technology. They could structure their essay by introducing the topic, providing specific examples (e.g., how mobile phones enhance communication), and elaborating on these points with supporting details.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay deviates significantly from the topic, discussing urban green spaces instead of the impact of computers or mobile phones. This lack of focus results in a failure to meet the task requirements.
  • How to improve: To stay on topic, the writer should outline their essay before writing to ensure that all content relates to the prompt. They should regularly refer back to the prompt during the writing process to confirm that their ideas align with the specified topic.

Overall, the essay needs a complete revision to address the prompt effectively. The writer should focus on the importance of computers or mobile phones, ensuring that they meet the word count requirement and adhere to the basic essay structure.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical organization of ideas. It begins with a strong introduction that states the importance of urban green spaces, followed by well-structured body paragraphs that discuss environmental, social, and health benefits. Each point is clearly articulated, and the progression from one idea to the next is smooth, contributing to an overall coherent argument. However, the essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences for each body paragraph to reinforce the main ideas being discussed.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using explicit topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that summarize the main point. For example, starting each paragraph with a sentence like "Firstly, the environmental benefits of urban green spaces are significant…" would help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow the discussion. However, the essay could benefit from clearer distinctions between paragraphs, as the transition between the environmental and social benefits feels somewhat abrupt.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence and ends with a concluding sentence that ties back to the main thesis. Additionally, consider using transitional phrases such as "In addition," or "Moreover," to create smoother transitions between paragraphs and ideas.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "additionally," "however," and "which is crucial," to connect ideas and maintain flow. These devices help in linking sentences and paragraphs, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, which can make the writing feel repetitive at times.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, using phrases like "on the other hand" to introduce contrasting ideas or "for instance" to provide examples can enhance the richness of the text. Additionally, varying sentence structures can also help in creating a more engaging narrative.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, there are areas for improvement that can elevate the overall quality. By focusing on clearer topic sentences, smoother transitions between paragraphs, and a broader range of cohesive devices, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 8

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of urban green spaces. Terms such as "mitigate," "evapotranspiration," "biodiversity," and "cohesive communities" showcase the writer’s ability to use specialized vocabulary effectively. The variety in word choice contributes to a nuanced discussion of the benefits of green spaces, indicating a strong command of language.
  • How to improve: To elevate the lexical resource even further, the writer could incorporate more synonyms or related terms to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of using "benefits" multiple times, alternatives like "advantages," "gains," or "positive impacts" could be employed. Additionally, integrating more descriptive adjectives or adverbs could enhance the richness of the text.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The vocabulary used is largely precise and appropriate for the context. For example, the phrase "natural filters" accurately describes the function of green spaces in combating air pollution. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more precise. The term "urban heat" could be elaborated upon; specifying "urban heat islands" would provide clearer context.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should ensure that all terms used are as specific as possible. For example, when discussing "health benefits," it would be beneficial to specify what types of physical activity are encouraged (e.g., jogging, walking, or cycling) to provide a clearer picture.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors present. Words such as "essential," "interaction," and "sustainable" are spelled correctly, reflecting the writer’s attention to detail and proficiency in English.
  • How to improve: While spelling is accurate, the writer should continue to practice spelling through reading and writing exercises. Engaging with diverse texts can help reinforce correct spelling patterns and familiarize the writer with less common words. Utilizing tools like spell checkers during the writing process can also be beneficial, although the writer should remain vigilant about context and homophones.

In summary, the essay reflects a strong command of lexical resource, meriting a band score of 8. Continued focus on expanding vocabulary, enhancing precision, and maintaining spelling accuracy will further strengthen the writer’s performance in future tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as the use of complex sentences ("Environmentally, they help mitigate air pollution by acting as natural filters and reducing urban heat through shade and evapotranspiration.") and simple sentences ("In conclusion, incorporating green spaces into urban planning is vital for creating healthier, more sustainable, and more cohesive communities."). However, the range is limited, and many sentences follow a similar structure, which can lead to a monotonous reading experience. The essay primarily relies on declarative sentences and lacks the use of conditional or interrogative structures that could enhance the complexity and engagement of the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate a mix of complex and compound sentences, as well as varying the sentence openings. For example, starting sentences with adverbial phrases (e.g., "In addition to environmental benefits, green spaces also…") or using conditional clauses (e.g., "If urban planners prioritize green spaces, cities will become more livable.") can add variety. Additionally, integrating rhetorical questions may engage the reader more effectively.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances where punctuation could be improved. For example, the phrase "which enhances the quality of life" could be better integrated into the preceding sentence for clarity. Additionally, the use of commas is inconsistent; some complex sentences lack necessary commas that would clarify the sentence structure, such as before "which" in non-defining relative clauses. Overall, while the essay is mostly clear, these minor errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, the writer should review the rules for comma usage, particularly in complex sentences and when using clauses. Practicing sentence combining exercises can help in understanding how to effectively use punctuation to clarify meaning. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors before submission can help catch these mistakes. Reading more complex texts can also provide insight into effective punctuation and grammar usage.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument and is mostly grammatically correct, there is a need for greater variety in sentence structures and improved punctuation to achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Urban green areas, such as parks and community gardens, are crucial for enhancing urban quality of life. These spaces provide substantial environmental, social, and health benefits. Environmentally, they help alleviate air pollution by functioning as natural filters and reducing urban temperatures through shade and evapotranspiration. Socially, green areas promote community interaction by offering venues for socializing, recreation, and relaxation, which enhances the quality of urban life. Health-wise, they encourage physical activity and mental well-being by providing spaces for exercise and leisure. Furthermore, urban green areas contribute to biodiversity by creating habitats for wildlife, which is essential in densely populated urban environments. In conclusion, integrating green spaces into urban planning is vital for fostering healthier, more sustainable, and cohesive communities. Their numerous benefits highlight the importance of preserving and expanding these areas to improve the overall urban experience.