The given bar charts demonstrated the number of student enrolment in 1980 and 2000.

The given bar charts demonstrated the number of student enrolment in 1980 and 2000.
Overall, the number of enrolling bachelor’s degree was the dominant in both years. Whereas, the proportion of others increased but the growing of the data of master’s degree was the largest.
In terms of Bachelor’s degrees, it was the majority in 1980 which comprised approximately three-quarters. It decreased to 42% in 2000 but it still made up the biggest proportion. In contrast, the figure for Master’s degrees was minor, which made up 9% in 1980 and nearly quadrupled in the following 20 years, representing just over one-third of the bar chart. The percentage of associate degrees accounted for 13% in 1980, which rose to roughly one-fifth in 2000. The most minority one was Doctoral degrees, which consisted of 2% in 1980 and grew slightly to 5% in 2000.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given bar charts demonstrated" -> "The bar charts illustrate"
Explanation: "Illustrate" is a more precise and formal term than "demonstrated" in academic contexts, particularly when referring to visual representations like bar charts.
"the number of enrolling bachelor’s degree" -> "the number of students enrolled in bachelor’s degrees"
Explanation: "Enrolling" is incorrect as it is the gerund form, whereas "enrolled" is the correct past participle needed here. Also, "bachelor’s degree" should be pluralized to "bachelor’s degrees" to match the plural context.
"the dominant in both years" -> "the dominant in both years"
Explanation: The phrase "the dominant in both years" is grammatically incorrect. The correct phrase should be "the dominant in both years," with a comma after "years" to separate the independent clause.
"the growing of the data of master’s degree" -> "the increase in the number of students pursuing master’s degrees"
Explanation: "The growing of the data of master’s degree" is awkward and unclear. "The increase in the number of students pursuing master’s degrees" is clearer and more formally appropriate.
"it was the majority in 1980 which comprised approximately three-quarters" -> "it comprised approximately three-quarters in 1980"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly structured. Rearranging it to "it comprised approximately three-quarters in 1980" improves readability and maintains formal tone.
"made up the biggest proportion" -> "represented the largest proportion"
Explanation: "Made up" is informal and vague in this context. "Represented" is more precise and suitable for academic writing.
"the figure for Master’s degrees was minor" -> "the proportion of Master’s degrees was relatively small"
Explanation: "Minor" is too vague and informal for academic writing. "Relatively small" provides a clearer and more formal description.
"nearly quadrupled" -> "nearly quadrupled"
Explanation: "nearly quadrupled" is correct and should not be modified further.
"representing just over one-third of the bar chart" -> "accounting for approximately one-third of the total"
Explanation: "Representing" is less precise than "accounting for," which is more specific and appropriate for describing the proportion of data in a visual representation.
"The percentage of associate degrees accounted for 13%" -> "The proportion of associate degrees was approximately 13%"
Explanation: "Accounted for" is correct but can be replaced with "was" for a more straightforward and formal expression.
"The most minority one was Doctoral degrees" -> "The smallest proportion was for Doctoral degrees"
Explanation: "The most minority one" is awkward and incorrect. "The smallest proportion" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"grew slightly to 5%" -> "increased slightly to 5%"
Explanation: "Grew" is less formal and can be replaced with "increased" for a more academic tone.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in student enrolment, highlighting the key features of the data. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features, and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the proportion of others increased, but it does not specify which others. It also states that the growing of the data of master’s degree was the largest, but this is not accurate. The largest increase was in the proportion of associate degrees.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a more detailed overview of the main trends, and by ensuring that all details are relevant and accurate. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the data. For example, instead of saying that the proportion of others increased, the essay could say that the proportion of associate degrees and doctoral degrees increased.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas in a coherent manner, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion between sentences is somewhat mechanical, and the referencing could be clearer. For example, phrases like "the majority" and "the minor" could benefit from more precise referencing to enhance clarity. Additionally, the paragraphing is present but could be improved to ensure that each paragraph clearly presents a distinct topic, which would enhance the overall logical flow of the essay.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on improving the clarity of referencing and ensuring that cohesive devices are used more naturally. Additionally, enhancing paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear central topic and logical progression would strengthen the essay. Finally, varying the use of cohesive devices and avoiding mechanical patterns would contribute to a more fluid reading experience.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it conveys the basic information from the bar charts, the vocabulary used is quite basic and lacks variety. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "the growing of the data of master’s degree" which is awkwardly phrased. Additionally, there are some inaccuracies in spelling and word formation, such as "enrolment" instead of "enrollment" (if using American English) and "the most minority one" which is not a standard expression. These issues may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items that are relevant to the topic. They should also focus on improving the accuracy of word choice and collocation, ensuring that phrases are natural and idiomatic. Additionally, paying attention to spelling and grammatical structures will help in reducing errors that could impede communication. Using synonyms and varying sentence structures can also make the writing more engaging and precise.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which aligns with the criteria for Band 6. While there are some attempts at using complex structures, the overall grammatical accuracy is inconsistent. There are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation, such as "the growing of the data of master’s degree was the largest," which could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, phrases like "the most minority one" are awkward and could lead to confusion. However, these errors do not significantly impede communication, allowing the main ideas to be understood.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the range of grammatical structures used and ensuring greater accuracy in their application. This can be accomplished by practicing complex sentence formation, minimizing grammatical errors, and refining punctuation usage. Additionally, enhancing vocabulary and expression could help in conveying ideas more clearly and effectively.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given bar charts illustrate the number of student enrollments in 1980 and 2000. Overall, the number of students enrolling in bachelor’s degrees was the most significant in both years. Meanwhile, the proportion of other degrees increased, with the growth of master’s degree enrollments being the most substantial.

In terms of bachelor’s degrees, they represented the majority in 1980, comprising approximately three-quarters of total enrollments. This figure decreased to 42% in 2000, yet it still constituted the largest proportion. In contrast, the number of master’s degrees was relatively small, accounting for 9% in 1980, but nearly quadrupled over the following 20 years, representing just over one-third of the total enrollments by 2000. The percentage of associate degrees accounted for 13% in 1980, which rose to roughly one-fifth in 2000. The least common category was doctoral degrees, which made up 2% in 1980 and grew slightly to 5% in 2000.