The bar chart below shows the hours per week that teenagers spent doing certain activities in Chester from 2002 to 2007.

The given bar chart illustrates how many weekly hours youngsters living in Chester spent on entertainment and learning purposes between 2002 and 2007.
Overall, watching TV was the most favored activity of teenaged children while engaging in bowling games only occupied a small part of their time. Another feature worth mentioning is that the figures for visiting pubs/ discos, watching TV programs and going shopping experienced an upward trend throughout the period shown, whereas the opposite is true for the others with an exception for DVD-watching, which saw dramatic fluctuations.
To begin, the hours per week that youngsters spent on going to pubs/ discos, watching TV and shopping increased dramatically. In 2002, teenagers in Chester allocated the highest hours per week on watching TV, at 25 hours, which was over three times higher than the figure for pub/discos and shopping. After five years, both the number of weekly hours spent on shopping and pubs/disco witnessed an moderate increase and peaked at 18 and 15 hours per week, respectively while the figure for watching TV sharply rose to 38 hours.
Ragarding the remaining activities, in 2002, the time allocating on doing homework, doing sports and watching DVDs was approximately 10 hours, which was significantly higher than that on bowling, at four hours per week. The following five years, the time spending on doing homework, doing sports and bowling decreased dramatically and hit the lowest point at six, two and one hour per week in the year 2007 while the number of hours for watching DVD experienced a fluctuation between 11 and 17 over 5-year period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"youngsters" -> "adolescents"
Explanation: "Youngsters" is somewhat informal and vague. "Adolescents" is a more precise and academically appropriate term that refers specifically to teenagers in a formal context.
"living in Chester" -> "residing in Chester"
Explanation: "Residing" is more formal and suitable for academic writing than "living," which is more colloquial.
"spent on entertainment and learning purposes" -> "devoted to entertainment and educational activities"
Explanation: "Devoted to" is more formal and precise than "spent on," and "educational activities" is a more specific term than "learning purposes."
"watching TV" -> "viewing television"
Explanation: "Viewing television" is a more formal expression than "watching TV," which is informal and colloquial.
"engaging in bowling games" -> "participating in bowling"
Explanation: "Participating in" is more formal and precise than "engaging in," which is somewhat vague.
"occupied a small part of their time" -> "accounted for a limited portion of their time"
Explanation: "Accounted for a limited portion of their time" is more formal and precise than "occupied a small part of their time."
"the figures for visiting pubs/ discos, watching TV programs and going shopping" -> "the statistics for visiting pubs and discos, watching television programs, and shopping"
Explanation: "Statistics" is more formal than "figures," and "television programs" is more precise than "TV programs."
"dramatic fluctuations" -> "significant fluctuations"
Explanation: "Significant" is more academically appropriate than "dramatic," which can imply emotional or sensational connotations.
"hours per week that youngsters spent" -> "hours per week allocated by youngsters"
Explanation: "Allocated by youngsters" is more precise and formal, indicating the action of assigning time.
"watching TV, at 25 hours" -> "watching television, at 25 hours"
Explanation: "Television" is the correct noun form, and "watching television" is more formal than "watching TV."
"the number of weekly hours spent on shopping and pubs/disco witnessed an moderate increase" -> "the number of weekly hours allocated to shopping and pubs/discos experienced a moderate increase"
Explanation: "Allocated to" and "experienced" are more precise and formal than "spent on" and "witnessed."
"the time allocating on doing homework" -> "the time spent on homework"
Explanation: "Time spent on" is a more natural and correct phrase than "time allocating on," which is grammatically incorrect.
"doing sports and watching DVDs" -> "engaging in sports and watching DVDs"
Explanation: "Engaging in" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "doing," which is too casual.
"time spending on" -> "time spent on"
Explanation: "Time spent on" is grammatically correct, whereas "time spending on" is incorrect.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but the information is not always appropriately selected. For example, the essay states that the figures for visiting pubs/discos, watching TV programs and going shopping experienced an upward trend throughout the period shown, but this is not entirely accurate. While the figures for watching TV and going shopping did increase, the figure for visiting pubs/discos actually decreased in 2007. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the time allocating on doing homework, doing sports and watching DVDs was approximately 10 hours in 2002, but this is not accurate. The figure for doing homework was actually around 12 hours, and the figure for doing sports was around 10 hours.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate information and by focusing on the most important trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language and by avoiding unnecessary repetition.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas in a coherent manner, and there is a clear overall progression from the introduction through to the detailed analysis of the data. The use of cohesive devices is evident, such as "overall," "to begin," and "regarding," which help to guide the reader through the different sections of the essay. However, there are instances where cohesion is faulty or mechanical, particularly in the transition between ideas and the use of referencing. For example, phrases like "the others with an exception for DVD-watching" could be clearer. Additionally, while paragraphing is present, it is not always logical, as the structure could be improved to enhance clarity.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow between paragraphs and ideas. This can be done by ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that transitions between paragraphs are smooth and well-articulated. Additionally, varying the use of cohesive devices and ensuring that referencing is clear will enhance the overall coherence of the essay. Finally, refining the paragraph structure to ensure that each one contributes effectively to the overall argument will also help in achieving a higher score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, using terms like "illustrates," "allocated," and "dramatic fluctuations." However, there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice and collocation, such as "the time allocating on doing homework" instead of "the time allocated to doing homework." Additionally, some phrases are awkwardly constructed, which detracts from clarity. While the vocabulary used is sufficient for the task, it lacks the sophistication and precision required for a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of less common vocabulary and ensure that word choices are precise and appropriate for the context. Additionally, improving grammatical structures and reducing awkward phrasing will help in achieving greater clarity and sophistication in expression. Regular practice with varied vocabulary and collocations, along with proofreading for spelling and word formation errors, will also contribute to a better score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. There are some grammatical errors and issues with punctuation, such as "the hours per week that youngsters spent on going to pubs/ discos" (should be "pubs/discos") and "the time allocating on doing homework" (should be "allocated to doing homework"). While these errors do not significantly impede communication, they do indicate a lack of full control over grammatical structures. The essay includes a variety of sentence types, but the errors are frequent enough to prevent a higher score.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Error Reduction: Aim to minimize grammatical errors and ensure that punctuation is used correctly throughout the essay.
Complex Structures: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures and ensure they are used accurately.
Clarity and Precision: Work on phrasing to enhance clarity, such as using "allocated to" instead of "allocating on."
Proofreading: Take time to proofread the essay to catch minor errors that could detract from the overall quality.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given bar chart illustrates the number of weekly hours that teenagers living in Chester spent on entertainment and learning activities between 2002 and 2007. Overall, watching TV was the most favored activity among teenagers, while engaging in bowling games occupied only a small portion of their time. Another noteworthy feature is that the figures for visiting pubs/discos, watching TV programs, and going shopping experienced an upward trend throughout the period shown, whereas the opposite was true for the other activities, with the exception of DVD-watching, which saw dramatic fluctuations.

To begin with, the hours per week that teenagers spent on going to pubs/discos, watching TV, and shopping increased significantly. In 2002, teenagers in Chester allocated the most hours per week to watching TV, at 25 hours, which was over three times higher than the figures for pubs/discos and shopping. After five years, both the number of weekly hours spent on shopping and visiting pubs/discos witnessed a moderate increase, peaking at 18 and 15 hours per week, respectively, while the figure for watching TV sharply rose to 38 hours.

Regarding the remaining activities, in 2002, the time allocated to doing homework, participating in sports, and watching DVDs was approximately 10 hours, which was significantly higher than the four hours spent on bowling per week. Over the following five years, the time spent on doing homework, participating in sports, and bowling decreased dramatically, hitting the lowest points at six, two, and one hour per week, respectively, in 2007. Meanwhile, the number of hours spent watching DVDs fluctuated between 11 and 17 over the five-year period.