The diagram below shows the process of making olive oil.

The shown diagram illustrates the process of making oil from olive.

Overall, there are 8 general steps in producing olive oil, which begins with gathering the raw olive, and then processed in the manufacturing, where they are turned into a paste which the oil is extracted, before being delivered to the retailers.

At the beginning of the process, farmers collect the olives by using the rake to shake them off the tree, before accumulating them in a vat. After 2 to 3 days, these materials are placed on the conveyor belt in order to be washed under cold water, removing dust or leaves. Then, these fruits are sent to a crusher after once cleaned, in which they are hammered into the paste, while the olive stones are separated and put into a separated container.

Regarding the remaining steps, the process continues with the olive paste passing to a machine that uses hydraulic press to extract the oil, which is also filtered to remove any excess substance. After filtering is completed, the oil passes to enter a centrifuge, where it is spun at a high speed to separate them out of water. The result is then poured into bottles in order to be loaded on the trucks to be transported to food shops.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The shown diagram" -> "The diagram illustrates"
Explanation: "The shown diagram" is an awkward and incorrect phrase. "The diagram illustrates" is the correct and formal way to introduce a diagram in academic writing.
"processed in the manufacturing" -> "processed in manufacturing"
Explanation: Removing the definite article "the" before "manufacturing" corrects the grammatical error and aligns with the formal style of academic writing.
"turned into a paste which the oil is extracted" -> "converted into a paste from which oil is extracted"
Explanation: "Converted into a paste from which oil is extracted" is more precise and grammatically correct, improving clarity and formality.
"delivered to the retailers" -> "delivered to retailers"
Explanation: Removing "the" before "retailers" corrects the article usage, as "retailers" is a general term and does not require the definite article in this context.
"using the rake to shake them off the tree" -> "using a rake to dislodge them from the tree"
Explanation: "Dislodge" is a more precise and formal term than "shake," and "a rake" is preferred over "the rake" for general reference.
"accumulating them in a vat" -> "collecting them in a vat"
Explanation: "Collecting" is more specific and appropriate for the context of gathering olives, replacing the less formal "accumulating."
"After 2 to 3 days" -> "After a period of 2 to 3 days"
Explanation: "A period of" is more formal and precise than "After," which is vague and informal in this context.
"these materials are placed on the conveyor belt" -> "these olives are placed on the conveyor belt"
Explanation: Clarifying "materials" to "olives" provides specificity and maintains the context of the process.
"once cleaned" -> "after cleaning"
Explanation: "After cleaning" is more formal and precise than "once cleaned," which is awkward and less commonly used in formal writing.
"hammered into the paste" -> "pulverized into a paste"
Explanation: "Pulverized" is a more precise term than "hammered" for describing the process of crushing olives into a paste.
"separated and put into a separated container" -> "separated and placed in a separate container"
Explanation: "Placed in a separate container" is grammatically correct and clearer than the awkward "put into a separated container."
"the oil passes to enter a centrifuge" -> "the oil is passed into a centrifuge"
Explanation: "Is passed into" is grammatically correct and clearer than the awkward "passes to enter."
"spun at a high speed to separate them out of water" -> "spun at high speed to separate it from water"
Explanation: "Separate it from water" corrects the grammatical error and improves clarity, replacing "them out of water" which is incorrect.
"The result is then poured into bottles in order to be loaded on the trucks to be transported to food shops" -> "The resulting oil is then filled into bottles and transported to food shops via trucks"
Explanation: "The resulting oil is then filled into bottles and transported to food shops via trucks" simplifies and clarifies the sentence, removing unnecessary words and improving flow.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses all the requirements of the task and presents an overview of the process. The essay adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the olives are placed on a conveyor belt to be washed, but the diagram shows that the olives are washed in a vat. The essay also states that the oil is filtered to remove any excess substance, but the diagram shows that the oil is filtered to remove any water.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate information about the process. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language. For example, instead of saying "the oil is filtered to remove any excess substance," the essay could say "the oil is filtered to remove any water."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, outlining the steps in the olive oil production process. However, there is a noticeable lack of overall progression, as the transitions between steps are not always clear. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, leading to confusion. For example, phrases like "after once cleaned" and "the result is then poured into bottles in order to be loaded on the trucks" could be improved for clarity and coherence. Additionally, the paragraphing is not effectively utilized, making it difficult to follow the flow of information.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices correctly and ensuring that transitions between steps are logical and clear. Improving the structure by using distinct paragraphs for different stages of the process would also help. Furthermore, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that ideas are logically sequenced will contribute to a more coherent essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task of describing the olive oil production process. It uses some less common vocabulary, such as "hydraulic press" and "centrifuge," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the shown diagram" (which should be "the diagram shown") and "the oil passes to enter a centrifuge" (which could be more clearly expressed). Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "the manufacturing" instead of "manufacturing" and "the paste, while the olive stones are separated" which could be more clearly structured. These issues do not completely impede communication but do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the writing.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with more precise word choices. They should also aim to reduce errors in spelling and word formation by proofreading their work. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and ensuring correct collocations will enhance the overall quality of the essay. Additionally, varying sentence structures and improving clarity in complex sentences will contribute positively to the lexical resource rating.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms with some attempts at complex sentences. While there are instances of correct grammar, frequent errors are present, particularly in sentence structure and punctuation, which can cause some difficulty for the reader. For example, phrases like "the oil is extracted, before being delivered" exhibit awkward construction, and there are issues with subject-verb agreement and article usage (e.g., "the shown diagram" should be "the diagram shown"). Overall, the errors detract from the clarity of the communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of grammatical structures by incorporating more complex sentences and ensuring that they are accurate. Additionally, careful proofreading to correct grammatical errors and improve punctuation would enhance clarity. Practicing varied sentence constructions and using conjunctions effectively can also help in achieving a more sophisticated writing style.

Bài sửa mẫu

The diagram illustrates the process of making olive oil.

Overall, there are eight general steps in producing olive oil, which begins with gathering the raw olives and then processing them in the manufacturing stage, where they are turned into a paste from which the oil is extracted, before being delivered to retailers.

At the beginning of the process, farmers collect the olives using rakes to shake them off the trees, before accumulating them in a vat. After two to three days, these materials are placed on a conveyor belt to be washed under cold water, removing any dust or leaves. Once cleaned, the fruits are sent to a crusher, where they are ground into a paste, while the olive stones are separated and placed in a separate container.

Regarding the remaining steps, the process continues with the olive paste moving to a machine that uses a hydraulic press to extract the oil, which is then filtered to remove any excess substances. After filtering is completed, the oil enters a centrifuge, where it is spun at high speed to separate it from the water. The final product is then poured into bottles to be loaded onto trucks for transportation to food shops.