The bar graph shows the percentage of part time employment in Australia by gender in 2010.

The provided bar chart illustrates how employment rates varied among Australian male and female part-time workers across six different age groups in 2010. Overall, although females generally had higher part-time employment rates than males in most age groups, their employment patterns were relatively similar. It is also evident that the level of engagement in part-time jobs for both genders peaked in the youngest age group, but experienced a decrease in the 36-45 age bracket, followed by a gradual increase until the age of 65 and over.

As males aged within the 14-45 range, their rate of involvement in part-time jobs decreased, while female figures fluctuated. The highest percentage of part-time male workers, at 55%, was observed in the 14-19 age group, which was 10% lower than the corresponding figure for their female counterparts in the same age group. Both male and female rates witnessed a significant decrease in the 20-35 age category, reaching just 25% and 20%, respectively. However, while the figure for males further decreased by 5%, that of females recovered to 30% in the 36-45 age bracket.

In the 46-65 age group, part-time employment rates rose for both sexes. Among those aged 46-55, 30% of males held part-time positions, compared to 34% of females. Male and female figures steadily increased in the subsequent age groups, reaching 40% and 50% in the 65 and over age group, respectively.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The provided bar chart" -> "The bar chart provided"
Explanation: Moving "The" to the end of the phrase improves the grammatical structure, making it more formal and correct in academic writing.
"how employment rates varied" -> "the variation in employment rates"
Explanation: "The variation in employment rates" is a more precise and formal way to describe the changes depicted in the chart, enhancing the academic tone.
"generally had higher part-time employment rates" -> "generally exhibited higher part-time employment rates"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is a more precise verb choice than "had" in this context, as it directly relates to the display of data in the chart.
"their employment patterns were relatively similar" -> "their employment patterns were comparable"
Explanation: "Comparable" is a more formal synonym for "similar," which is more suitable for academic writing.
"the level of engagement in part-time jobs" -> "the levels of engagement in part-time employment"
Explanation: "Levels" is more precise and formal than "level," and "employment" is a more specific term than "jobs."
"peaked in the youngest age group" -> "reached its peak in the youngest age group"
Explanation: "Reached its peak" is a more precise and formal way to describe the highest point on a graph.
"experienced a decrease" -> "saw a decline"
Explanation: "Saw a decline" is a more formal and academic expression compared to "experienced a decrease."
"followed by a gradual increase" -> "followed by a gradual rise"
Explanation: "Rise" is a more specific term in this context, indicating an upward trend in employment rates.
"their rate of involvement in part-time jobs" -> "their participation rates in part-time employment"
Explanation: "Participation rates" is a more formal and precise term than "rate of involvement," and "employment" is preferred over "jobs" for formal writing.
"The highest percentage of part-time male workers" -> "The highest proportion of male part-time workers"
Explanation: "Proportion" is a more precise term than "percentage" in this context, and rearranging the phrase enhances clarity and formality.
"was observed in the 14-19 age group" -> "was observed among individuals in the 14-19 age group"
Explanation: Adding "among individuals" clarifies that the observation is about the group as a whole, not just the percentage.
"Both male and female rates witnessed a significant decrease" -> "Both male and female rates experienced a significant decline"
Explanation: "Experienced a decline" is a more formal and precise way to describe the change in rates.
"recovered to 30%" -> "increased to 30%"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more accurate verb choice than "recovered," which implies a return to a previous state rather than an ongoing trend.
"part-time employment rates rose" -> "part-time employment rates increased"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more formal synonym for "rose," aligning better with academic style.
"Male and female figures steadily increased" -> "Male and female rates steadily increased"
Explanation: "Rates" is more specific and appropriate in this context, referring directly to the employment data.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in the data, highlighting the key features of the bar graph. The essay also presents a clear comparison between the employment rates of males and females in each age group.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the trends and differences in the data. For example, the essay could mention that the percentage of part-time employment for both genders peaked in the 14-19 age group, but then decreased in the 20-35 age group. The essay could also mention that the percentage of part-time employment for females increased in the 36-45 age group, while the percentage for males decreased.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, demonstrating clear progression throughout. The author presents a central topic within each paragraph, effectively discussing the differences in part-time employment rates between genders across various age groups. The use of cohesive devices is appropriate, although there are instances where the connection between sentences could be smoother, indicating some under- or over-use. Overall, the essay meets the criteria for Band 7, as it provides a coherent structure and clear thematic development.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer could enhance the use of cohesive devices to ensure smoother transitions between ideas and sentences. Additionally, improving the logical flow of paragraphing by ensuring that each paragraph builds more explicitly on the previous one could further strengthen coherence. More varied sentence structures and linking phrases would also contribute to a more sophisticated presentation of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for some flexibility and precision in conveying the information from the bar chart. The use of terms such as "illustrates," "employment rates," "fluctuated," and "corresponding figure" indicates an awareness of less common lexical items. However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the level of engagement in part-time jobs" which could be more succinctly expressed. Additionally, while the essay is generally clear, there are minor errors in phrasing that detract from the overall fluency.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary further and using more sophisticated lexical items with greater precision. They should also aim to minimize errors in word choice and ensure that collocations are used correctly. Practicing writing with a focus on varied sentence structures and more complex vocabulary will enhance the overall lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures and produces frequent error-free sentences, which aligns well with the criteria for Band 7. The writer effectively uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, showing good control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrases that slightly detract from the overall accuracy, preventing a higher score.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on minimizing errors by proofreading for common mistakes and refining sentence structures for clarity. Incorporating a wider variety of sentence types and ensuring that complex sentences are constructed accurately will also help in achieving a higher band score. Additionally, practicing the use of subordinate clauses and ensuring punctuation is consistently correct will contribute to improved performance in this criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart illustrates how employment rates varied among Australian male and female part-time workers across six different age groups in 2010. Overall, although females generally had higher part-time employment rates than males in most age groups, their employment patterns were relatively similar. It is also evident that the level of engagement in part-time jobs for both genders peaked in the youngest age group but experienced a decrease in the 36-45 age bracket, followed by a gradual increase until the age of 65 and over.