Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

In modern society the issue of fostering a healthy and supportive environment for personal growth is a widely discussed topic. Some individuals are fond of enhancing themself in a competitive environment, while the others prefer to focus on self-improvement through collaboration and teamwork. In my opinion, both approaches can effectively motivate self-development if applied correctly.

On the one hand, a competitive atmosphere raises the passion by tapping into the innate human desire of achieving success and gaining rewards and bounties for themself. Surpassing the other individuals requires not only miscellaneous skills but also creativity to devise better approaches or solutions for problems. Top universities such as MIT, Caltech, etc. frequently host a variety of competitions for students, which brings the outstanding ideas and contribute to their reputation for innovation. However, it is essential to maintain a positive and resilient mindset since competing with others can lead to various pressures, especially peer pressure, which negatively impact one's mental health.

On the other hand, a collaborative environment built on teamwork and cooperation enables individuals to share and learn skills from one another, leading to overall improvement within the group. Cooperating brings more diverse aspects and perspectives on a problem, which leads to more efficient and enhanced solutions. Collaboration is a core value at Robert Bosch Global Technologies Vietnam, the Vietnamese branch of one of the world’s leading automotive technology suppliers. Every employee is encouraged to express their opinions and actively contribute to the growth and development of their team or department. However, effective teamwork requires each individual to take personal responsibility and avoid over-dependence on others, which ultimately drives personal growth and self-development.

In conclusion, both methods offer distinct benefits for personal growth with requirements of suitable mindset and attitude. A combination of them, such as teamwork in competitions or healthy competition within a team, can create an exciting and motivating environment, fostering greater passion among workers or students.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "fostering a healthy and supportive environment for personal growth" -> "creating a conducive and supportive environment for personal development"
   Explanation: Replacing "fostering" with "creating" and "personal growth" with "personal development" refines the language to be more precise and formal, aligning better with academic style.

2. "Some individuals are fond of enhancing themself" -> "Some individuals prefer to enhance themselves"
   Explanation: Correcting "themself" to "themselves" fixes a grammatical error, and replacing "are fond of" with "prefer to" uses more formal language suitable for academic writing.

3. "a competitive environment raises the passion" -> "a competitive environment stimulates motivation"
   Explanation: Replacing "raises the passion" with "stimulates motivation" uses more precise language that is academically appropriate and avoids the colloquialism "raises the passion."

4. "gaining rewards and bounties for themself" -> "achieving rewards and recognition for themselves"
   Explanation: Replacing "bounties" with "recognition" corrects the misuse of "bounties" (which typically refers to financial rewards) and "themself" with "themselves" for grammatical accuracy.

5. "Top universities such as MIT, Caltech, etc." -> "prestigious institutions such as MIT and Caltech"
   Explanation: Replacing "Top universities" with "prestigious institutions" and "etc." with "and" provides a more formal and precise description, avoiding the informal "etc."

6. "brings the outstanding ideas and contribute to their reputation" -> "nurtures outstanding ideas and contributes to their reputation"
   Explanation: Changing "brings" to "nurtures" and "contribute" to "contributes" corrects the verb tense and uses more precise language suitable for academic writing.

7. "Cooperating brings more diverse aspects" -> "Collaboration offers diverse perspectives"
   Explanation: Replacing "Cooperating brings" with "Collaboration offers" uses a more formal term and corrects the grammatical structure, enhancing clarity and formality.

8. "every employee is encouraged to express their opinions" -> "each employee is encouraged to share their opinions"
   Explanation: Replacing "every" with "each" and "express" with "share" refines the language to be more precise and formal, suitable for an academic context.

9. "avoid over-dependence on others" -> "avoid over-reliance on others"
   Explanation: Replacing "over-dependence" with "over-reliance" uses a more precise term that is commonly used in academic and professional contexts.

10. "A combination of them, such as teamwork in competitions or healthy competition within a team" -> "A combination of these approaches, such as integrating teamwork in competitions with healthy competition within a team"
    Explanation: Replacing "them" with "these approaches" and rephrasing the sentence clarifies the meaning and enhances the formality of the language, aligning better with academic style.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views on competition and cooperation, providing a balanced discussion. The first body paragraph discusses the benefits of competition, citing examples such as competitions at top universities like MIT and Caltech. The second body paragraph highlights the advantages of collaboration, using Robert Bosch Global Technologies Vietnam as a relevant example. However, while both perspectives are discussed, the essay could benefit from a more explicit statement of the author’s opinion in the introduction and a clearer conclusion that reiterates this stance.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction, making it clear which approach they favor or how they believe both can coexist. Additionally, the conclusion could summarize the discussion more effectively by restating the author’s position on the balance between competition and cooperation.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that both competition and cooperation can motivate self-development. However, the position could be more consistently articulated throughout the essay. While the author mentions the effectiveness of both approaches, the lack of a strong, definitive stance may leave readers unclear about the author’s ultimate viewpoint.
  • How to improve: The author should reinforce their opinion throughout the essay by using phrases that indicate their stance, such as "I believe" or "In my view." This can help maintain a consistent perspective and guide the reader through the argument more effectively.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, with relevant examples illustrating the benefits of both competition and cooperation. The use of specific examples, such as university competitions and the practices at Robert Bosch, adds credibility to the arguments. However, some points could be further developed; for instance, the discussion on the pressures of competition could include more detail on how these pressures manifest and their potential consequences.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the author should aim to elaborate on key points, providing more detailed explanations and examples. For instance, discussing specific skills or personal experiences related to competition or cooperation could enhance the depth of the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic, discussing competition and cooperation in various contexts. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For example, the mention of "miscellaneous skills" in the context of competition is vague and could be more specific to maintain relevance.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all points made are directly related to the prompt. Avoiding vague language and instead using specific terms related to the skills and benefits of competition and cooperation will help keep the discussion on track. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph clearly ties back to the main question will enhance coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a well-structured argument. With some adjustments to clarity, depth, and focus, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction that outlines the topic and states the writer’s opinion. Each body paragraph effectively addresses one side of the argument, with the first paragraph focusing on competition and the second on cooperation. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points and reiterates the writer’s stance. However, the transition between the two perspectives could be smoother; for example, the phrase "On the one hand" is followed by "On the other hand," which is effective, but the connection between the two views could be more explicitly stated to enhance logical flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider adding transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas in each paragraph. For instance, after discussing competition, a sentence could be added to introduce the cooperative perspective by highlighting how both approaches can coexist or complement each other.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct idea. The introduction sets the stage, while the body paragraphs delve into the arguments for competition and cooperation, respectively. However, the conclusion could be more clearly delineated as a separate paragraph rather than being tacked onto the end of the last body paragraph. This would help to visually separate the summary and final thoughts from the main arguments.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that the conclusion is clearly marked as its own paragraph. This can be done by starting a new line and providing a brief summary of the main points discussed, along with the final opinion. Additionally, consider using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to clearly indicate the main idea being discussed.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "however," "on the one hand," and "in conclusion," which help to guide the reader through the argument. There is a good mix of conjunctions and transitional phrases that aid in connecting ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded; for instance, the repetition of "however" could be reduced by using alternatives like "nevertheless" or "on the contrary" to add variety.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "however," consider using "in contrast" or "alternatively" to introduce opposing ideas. Additionally, using more complex cohesive devices, such as referencing back to previous ideas (e.g., "as previously mentioned") or using synonyms to avoid repetition, can enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to an improved band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms such as "fostering," "collaboration," "self-improvement," and "resilient mindset." The use of phrases like "innate human desire" and "various pressures" shows an ability to convey complex ideas effectively. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the use of "individuals" and "self-development," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the vocabulary.
  • How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating synonyms or related terms to avoid redundancy. For example, instead of repeatedly using "individuals," you could use "participants," "members," or "contributors." Additionally, introducing more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "collaborative synergy" or "competitive edge," could elevate the lexical resource further.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments where precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "bounties for themself" is somewhat vague and could be interpreted in various ways. The term "miscellaneous skills" may also come across as imprecise, as it does not specify what types of skills are being referred to.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, replace vague terms with more specific language. For example, instead of "bounties for themself," you might say "rewards for their achievements." Similarly, clarify "miscellaneous skills" by specifying the types of skills relevant to the context, such as "technical skills," "interpersonal skills," or "problem-solving skills."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a strong level of spelling accuracy, with no significant errors that detract from the overall clarity. Words like "competitive," "collaboration," and "environment" are spelled correctly, demonstrating a good command of English spelling conventions.
  • How to improve: While spelling is generally accurate, it is beneficial to maintain this level of precision. To ensure continued accuracy, consider practicing spelling through writing exercises or using spelling apps that can help reinforce correct spelling patterns. Additionally, proofreading the essay before submission can help catch any minor errors that may have been overlooked.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource with a band score of 7. By expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "Surpassing the other individuals requires not only miscellaneous skills but also creativity to devise better approaches or solutions for problems" effectively convey intricate ideas. Additionally, the use of conditional structures in "if applied correctly" showcases the writer’s ability to express hypothetical scenarios. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the use of introductory phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which could be varied for better flow.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases or transition words. For example, instead of consistently using "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," alternatives such as "Conversely," "In contrast," or "Alternatively" can enhance the essay’s cohesion. Additionally, integrating more compound-complex sentences could add depth to the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For example, the phrase "the others prefer to focus on self-improvement through collaboration and teamwork" is correctly structured, but the use of "the others" could be more fluid as "others" without the definite article. Punctuation is mostly accurate, though there are some areas where commas could enhance clarity, such as in the sentence "Cooperating brings more diverse aspects and perspectives on a problem, which leads to more efficient and enhanced solutions," where a comma before "which" is appropriate.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on eliminating minor errors and ensuring consistency in noun forms. For example, "themself" should be corrected to "themselves" for standard usage. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will help enhance clarity. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can also aid in identifying and correcting recurring mistakes.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, meriting a band score of 8. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further enhance the quality of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In modern society, the issue of creating a conducive and supportive environment for personal development is a widely discussed topic. Some individuals prefer to enhance themselves in a competitive environment, while others focus on self-improvement through collaboration and teamwork. In my opinion, both approaches can effectively motivate self-development if applied correctly.

On the one hand, a competitive atmosphere ignites passion by tapping into the innate human desire to achieve success and gain rewards and recognition for themselves. Surpassing others requires not only various skills but also creativity to devise better approaches or solutions to problems. Prestigious institutions such as MIT and Caltech frequently host a variety of competitions for students, which nurture outstanding ideas and contribute to their reputation for innovation. However, it is essential to maintain a positive and resilient mindset, as competing with others can lead to various pressures, particularly peer pressure, which negatively impacts one’s mental health.

On the other hand, a collaborative environment built on teamwork and cooperation enables individuals to share and learn skills from one another, leading to overall improvement within the group. Collaboration offers diverse perspectives on a problem, resulting in more efficient and enhanced solutions. This core value is exemplified at Robert Bosch Global Technologies Vietnam, the Vietnamese branch of one of the world’s leading automotive technology suppliers. Here, every employee is encouraged to share their opinions and actively contribute to the growth and development of their team or department. However, effective teamwork requires each individual to take personal responsibility and avoid over-reliance on others, which ultimately drives personal growth and self-development.

In conclusion, both methods offer distinct benefits for personal growth, provided there is a suitable mindset and attitude. A combination of these approaches, such as integrating teamwork in competitions with healthy competition within a team, can create an exciting and motivating environment, fostering greater passion among workers or students.