In most countries nowadays, people from different cultural backgrounds live and work together. Do you think the advantages of multicultural societies outweigh the disadvantages?

Today, the phenomenon of multicultural societies, where individuals from diverse cultural backgrounds reside and cooperate, has become increasingly. This essay will demonstrate that the advantages of multiculturalism significantly outweigh its disadvantages.

On the one hand, in a multicultural society, it is effortless to encounter conflicts between individuals in both living and cooperating. These issues can arise from language barriers or differing values, potentially leading to conflict. For example, there is a difference in approach to feedback between Vietnamese and Americans. In Vietnam, feedback is often given indirectly to maintain harmony, while in the U.S., direct feedback is encouraged to foster growth and transparency. This can lead to misunderstandings, where a Vietnamese employee may perceive direct feedback as criticism, while an American manager expects openness and improvement.

On the other hand, living and working with foreign people brings many benefits. One of the primary benefits of multicultural societies is the enrichment of cultural experiences. When individuals from different backgrounds coexist, they share their traditions, languages, and cuisines, creating cultural diversity. Furthermore, multinational cooperation brings benefits from the combination of resources, technology, and knowledge, thereby promoting economic growth and innovation. In addition, it helps solve global problems such as climate change and security, thanks to the sharing of experience and knowledge. For instance, the Paris Agreement on climate change was signed, in which countries pledged to reduce emissions and cooperate in research and development of green technology.

In conclusion, despite the challenges posed by differing languages and behaviors in multicultural societies, such environments offer invaluable opportunities for learning about diverse languages and cultures. Therefore, I believe that creating multinational workplaces can foster stronger and more harmonious communities

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Today, the phenomenon of multicultural societies, where individuals from diverse cultural backgrounds reside and cooperate, has become increasingly." -> "Today, the phenomenon of multicultural societies, where individuals from diverse cultural backgrounds reside and collaborate, has become increasingly prevalent."
Explanation: Replacing "cooperate" with "collaborate" provides a more precise term that is commonly used in academic and professional contexts to describe joint efforts and mutual support. Additionally, "increasingly prevalent" is a more formal and precise term than "increasingly."
"it is effortless to encounter conflicts" -> "it is relatively easy to encounter conflicts"
Explanation: "Effortless" is too informal and implies a lack of effort, which is not the intended meaning. "Relatively easy" is more appropriate for academic writing, as it conveys a sense of difficulty without being overly casual.
"in both living and cooperating" -> "in both personal and professional settings"
Explanation: "Living and cooperating" is vague and informal. "Personal and professional settings" provides a clearer and more formal context for discussing interactions in multicultural societies.
"feedback is often given indirectly to maintain harmony" -> "feedback is often provided indirectly to maintain harmony"
Explanation: "Given" is a less formal verb choice compared to "provided," which is more commonly used in academic and professional contexts to describe the act of giving or supplying information.
"direct feedback is encouraged to foster growth and transparency" -> "direct feedback is actively encouraged to promote growth and transparency"
Explanation: "Actively encouraged" specifies the proactive nature of the encouragement, enhancing the precision of the statement.
"a Vietnamese employee may perceive direct feedback as criticism" -> "a Vietnamese employee may interpret direct feedback as criticism"
Explanation: "Perceive" is less specific than "interpret," which is more precise in the context of understanding and analyzing information.
"multicultural societies is the enrichment of cultural experiences" -> "multicultural societies is the enrichment of cultural experiences."
Explanation: Adding a period after "societies" corrects the grammatical structure, making the sentence complete and formal.
"multinational cooperation brings benefits from the combination of resources, technology, and knowledge" -> "multinational cooperation yields benefits from the synergy of resources, technology, and knowledge"
Explanation: "Yields" is a more formal verb than "brings," and "synergy" is a more precise term than "combination," which better describes the collaborative interaction of elements.
"helps solve global problems such as climate change and security" -> "assists in addressing global challenges such as climate change and security"
Explanation: "Assists in addressing" is a more formal and precise way to describe the role of multinational cooperation in addressing global issues.
"the Paris Agreement on climate change was signed, in which countries pledged to reduce emissions and cooperate in research and development of green technology" -> "the Paris Agreement on climate change was signed, wherein countries committed to reducing emissions and collaborating in the development of green technology"
Explanation: "Committed" is more formal than "pledged," and "collaborating" is more precise than "cooperate," which is somewhat informal and vague in this context. Additionally, "in the development of" is more specific than "in research and development of."
"creating multinational workplaces can foster stronger and more harmonious communities" -> "establishing multinational workplaces can foster stronger and more harmonious communities"
Explanation: "Establishing" is a more formal verb than "creating," which is more commonly used in academic and professional contexts to describe the process of setting up organizations or initiatives.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of multicultural societies. The introduction clearly states the writer’s position that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. The essay presents a balanced view by acknowledging potential conflicts, such as language barriers and differing cultural values, which is essential for a comprehensive response. The examples provided, particularly the comparison between Vietnamese and American feedback styles, illustrate the disadvantages well. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit mention of the disadvantages in the conclusion to reinforce the discussion.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include a more detailed exploration of the disadvantages in the body paragraphs, perhaps by providing additional examples or elaborating on the potential social tensions that can arise in multicultural settings. This would ensure that all parts of the question are equally represented.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear position throughout the essay, consistently arguing that the advantages of multicultural societies outweigh the disadvantages. The thesis statement in the introduction is strong, and the conclusion reiterates this stance effectively. The use of transitional phrases helps to guide the reader through the argument. However, the essay could improve clarity by explicitly stating the position again in the body paragraphs, particularly when discussing disadvantages.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer could restate the main argument at the beginning of each body paragraph. This would reinforce the thesis and remind the reader of the overarching argument while discussing both sides.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the discussion of the benefits of multicultural societies. The examples provided, such as the sharing of cultural experiences and the economic benefits of multinational cooperation, are relevant and well-developed. The mention of the Paris Agreement serves as a strong example of global cooperation. However, the discussion of disadvantages could use more depth, as it currently lacks sufficient elaboration on how these conflicts manifest in daily life.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples or case studies that illustrate the disadvantages of multicultural societies. This could include statistics on workplace conflicts or studies showing the impact of cultural misunderstandings, which would lend more weight to the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic, discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of multicultural societies. The writer does not deviate from the prompt and stays relevant throughout. However, there are moments where the discussion of disadvantages feels somewhat overshadowed by the advantages, which could lead to a perception of imbalance.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that both sides of the argument are given equal attention. This could involve dedicating a similar amount of space to discussing disadvantages as is given to advantages, ensuring that the essay does not appear biased towards one side.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. By addressing the suggestions for improvement, the writer can further enhance the clarity and depth of their response, potentially achieving an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical organization of ideas. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion by stating the topic and the writer’s position. The body paragraphs are structured to contrast the disadvantages and advantages of multicultural societies, which aids in understanding the argument. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the potential conflicts arising from cultural differences, while the second body paragraph highlights the benefits, such as cultural enrichment and economic growth. This clear delineation between the opposing views enhances the logical flow.
- How to improve: To further enhance the logical organization, the writer could consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that explicitly state the main idea. For example, starting the first body paragraph with a sentence like, "Despite the many benefits, multicultural societies can lead to significant challenges," would provide a clearer transition into the discussion of disadvantages.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The separation of disadvantages and advantages into different paragraphs helps maintain clarity and focus. However, the conclusion could be more distinct from the body paragraphs, as it currently feels somewhat abrupt and lacks a strong summarizing statement that encapsulates the main points discussed.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the writer should ensure that the conclusion not only summarizes the key points but also reinforces the thesis statement. A more explicit restatement of the thesis in the conclusion, such as, "In summary, the benefits of multicultural societies, including cultural enrichment and economic collaboration, far outweigh the challenges," would provide a stronger closure to the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting ideas. Additionally, the use of examples, such as the cultural differences between Vietnamese and American feedback styles, helps to illustrate points clearly. However, there is a tendency to rely on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," the writer could use alternatives like "conversely" or "in contrast" for the disadvantages, and "additionally" or "moreover" for the advantages. This would enhance the fluidity of the essay and make the connections between ideas more varied and engaging.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and presents a coherent argument. By focusing on clearer topic sentences, enhancing the conclusion, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can further strengthen the coherence and cohesion of their writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary pertinent to the topic of multicultural societies. Words and phrases such as "phenomenon," "cooperate," "enrichment," and "cultural diversity" indicate a solid grasp of relevant terminology. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied or sophisticated. For example, the phrase "living and working with foreign people" could be enhanced to "interacting with individuals from diverse cultural backgrounds" to demonstrate a broader lexical range.
- How to improve: To elevate the lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate more synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "multicultural societies," alternative phrases like "culturally diverse communities" or "pluralistic societies" could be used. Additionally, exploring idiomatic expressions or advanced vocabulary related to cultural interaction could further enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments where precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "it is effortless to encounter conflicts" may imply that conflicts are easy to find, which could be misleading. A more precise expression might be "it is common to encounter conflicts." Furthermore, the term "foreign people" can be perceived as somewhat vague or impersonal; using "individuals from different cultural backgrounds" would convey the intended meaning more effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on the context in which words are used. Reviewing phrases for clarity and ensuring that they convey the intended meaning without ambiguity is crucial. Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building tools can help identify more precise alternatives for common phrases.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors that would impede understanding. However, there is a minor issue with the phrase "has become increasingly," which is incomplete and should be followed by an adjective or adverb for clarity (e.g., "has become increasingly prevalent"). This oversight does not directly relate to spelling but affects the overall coherence of the writing.
- How to improve: To ensure spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, perhaps reading it aloud to catch any awkward phrases or incomplete thoughts. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing writing exercises focused on commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Additionally, maintaining a checklist of frequently used vocabulary and their correct spellings can help reinforce spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource with a band score of 7, there are opportunities for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and overall coherence. By incorporating more varied expressions, ensuring precise word choices, and maintaining attention to detail in spelling and phrasing, the writer can enhance their performance in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For example, the use of "where individuals from diverse cultural backgrounds reside and cooperate" showcases an effective use of a relative clause. Additionally, the sentence "One of the primary benefits of multicultural societies is the enrichment of cultural experiences" effectively employs a noun phrase. However, there are instances of simpler structures that could be expanded upon for greater variety, such as the repeated use of "is" in defining benefits or issues.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer can incorporate more complex grammatical forms, such as participle clauses (e.g., "Having lived in a multicultural society, individuals often develop a broader perspective") or inversion for emphasis (e.g., "Never before have we seen such diversity"). Additionally, varying the sentence openings can help create a more engaging flow, such as starting some sentences with adverbial phrases or using different conjunctions to connect ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors. However, there are some issues that affect clarity and coherence. For instance, the phrase "has become increasingly" is incomplete and should be followed by a noun or adjective to clarify what it has become increasingly (e.g., "has become increasingly common"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as the unnecessary comma in "the Paris Agreement on climate change was signed, in which countries pledged" which disrupts the flow of the sentence.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should ensure that all sentences are complete and clear. This can be achieved by reviewing sentences for completeness and clarity before finalizing the essay. For punctuation, it is essential to understand the rules regarding commas, particularly in complex sentences. Practicing punctuation exercises and reading more complex texts can help reinforce these skills. Moreover, proofreading the essay for any grammatical inconsistencies or awkward phrasing before submission can enhance overall accuracy.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

Today, the phenomenon of multicultural societies, where individuals from diverse cultural backgrounds reside and collaborate, has become increasingly prevalent. This essay will demonstrate that the advantages of multiculturalism significantly outweigh its disadvantages.

On the one hand, in a multicultural society, it is relatively easy to encounter conflicts between individuals in both personal and professional settings. These issues can arise from language barriers or differing values, potentially leading to misunderstandings. For example, there is a notable difference in the approach to feedback between Vietnamese and Americans. In Vietnam, feedback is often provided indirectly to maintain harmony, while in the U.S., direct feedback is actively encouraged to promote growth and transparency. This can lead to confusion, where a Vietnamese employee may interpret direct feedback as criticism, while an American manager expects openness and improvement.

On the other hand, living and working with individuals from various backgrounds brings many benefits. One of the primary advantages of multicultural societies is the enrichment of cultural experiences. When people from different backgrounds coexist, they share their traditions, languages, and cuisines, creating a vibrant cultural tapestry. Furthermore, multinational cooperation yields benefits from the synergy of resources, technology, and knowledge, thereby promoting economic growth and innovation. Additionally, it assists in addressing global challenges such as climate change and security, thanks to the sharing of experiences and expertise. For instance, the Paris Agreement on climate change was signed, wherein countries committed to reducing emissions and collaborating in the development of green technology.

In conclusion, despite the challenges posed by differing languages and behaviors in multicultural societies, such environments offer invaluable opportunities for learning about diverse cultures and languages. Therefore, I believe that establishing multinational workplaces can foster stronger and more harmonious communities.