You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Some people think young people should be required to have full time education until they are at least 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree? You should write at least 250 words.

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Some people think young people should be required to have full time education until they are at least 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

You should write at least 250 words.

In recent time, it is believed that young adults must to have full time education until they become grow up, at 18 years old. From my perspective, I totally disgree with this trend and I will explain in this essay.
Firstly, there are a lot of compelling evidence to believe that the success of each individual nowadays not only come from the knowledge they have learned at school but also the real experienced, or the challenge they have to face up with in their life. Therefore, it is obvious that students, especially the univeristy students need to create a plan that can help them equal the time at school and for their life. When some student spend more time with education, they have an ability to become a bookworm, so although they can easily to answer for theoratical knowledge, but when they get trouble with a danger situation in life, they can not solve it and they are easier to get failed in more times. Instead of, I think that student do not need to have the full time education, they can becoming a volunteer in charity organization, which can provide for them a plenty of practical knowldedge used to solve the problems in life. For instance, the reseach in UK shown that the percentage of students who participate in volunteer activities or work part-time job are becoming more extroverted, and the posibility to apply for job is much more higher than students who spent only time on learning theoratical knowledge.
Last but not least, There are some significant to claim that full time education is not the great idea to teach for students until they are 18 years old. It is fact that our world nowadays always appear some risks that we can not expect, and knowledges of education is not enough for us to solve it. With the education, students are protected in the learning environment, so sometimes students believe that the life so simple and they can use all data at school to surpass it. As a result, this can lead to the overthinking in each students, and they do not have an opportunity to solve some complex situations by themsleves. As a result, they always remain in the safety area created by education, which limit the ability of each student to become the creative or brave people in life. Therefore, each student need spent more time to find about new data, and if they have chance, they can challenge with situation they have not face up with before, they need to use their personal skills, which were generated by themsleves, and if they surpass it, they can become more confident and ready for the life when they become grow up, which contain a lot of dangerous issues waiting for them.
In conclusion, I completely disagree with the idea that students need to learn in full time education until they are 18 years old. However, each of us should consider carefully before reaching a final decision on this issue.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In recent time" -> "Recently"
   Explanation: "Recently" is a more concise and formal way to express the time frame, aligning better with academic writing standards.

2. "must to have" -> "must have"
   Explanation: The phrase "must to have" is grammatically incorrect. "Must have" is the correct form, which is more natural and appropriate in formal writing.

3. "become grow up" -> "reach adulthood"
   Explanation: "Become grow up" is awkward and incorrect. "Reach adulthood" is a more precise and formal way to describe the transition from childhood to adulthood.

4. "I totally disgree" -> "I totally disagree"
   Explanation: The incorrect spacing in "disgree" is corrected to "disagree" for proper spelling and grammatical accuracy.

5. "there are a lot of compelling evidence" -> "there is considerable evidence"
   Explanation: "A lot of compelling evidence" is informal and vague. "Considerable evidence" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.

6. "the real experienced" -> "real-life experiences"
   Explanation: "The real experienced" is grammatically incorrect. "Real-life experiences" is the correct phrase, enhancing clarity and formality.

7. "face up with" -> "face"
   Explanation: "Face up with" is an idiom that is too informal for academic writing. "Face" is the correct term, making the sentence more formal and precise.

8. "create a plan that can help them equal the time at school and for their life" -> "develop a plan that balances their academic and personal time"
   Explanation: "Equal the time at school and for their life" is awkward and unclear. "Develop a plan that balances their academic and personal time" is clearer and more formal.

9. "becoming a bookworm" -> "developing a strong academic focus"
   Explanation: "Becoming a bookworm" is colloquial and informal. "Developing a strong academic focus" is more precise and appropriate for academic discourse.

10. "can easily to answer for theoratical knowledge" -> "can easily answer theoretical questions"
    Explanation: "Answer for theoratical knowledge" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Answer theoretical questions" corrects these issues and improves clarity.

11. "get trouble with a danger situation" -> "face a dangerous situation"
    Explanation: "Get trouble with a danger situation" is awkward and incorrect. "Face a dangerous situation" is grammatically correct and more formal.

12. "can not solve it" -> "cannot solve it"
    Explanation: "Can not" is grammatically incorrect. "Cannot" is the correct form, enhancing the formal tone of the text.

13. "the posibility to apply for job" -> "the possibility of being employed"
    Explanation: "The posibility to apply for job" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "The possibility of being employed" is grammatically correct and more formal.

14. "knowledges of education" -> "educational knowledge"
    Explanation: "Knowledges of education" is grammatically incorrect. "Educational knowledge" is the correct term, enhancing clarity and formality.

15. "the overthinking in each students" -> "overthinking among students"
    Explanation: "The overthinking in each students" is grammatically incorrect. "Overthinking among students" corrects this and is more formal.

16. "by themsleves" -> "by themselves"
    Explanation: "By themsleves" contains a typographical error. "By themselves" is the correct form, ensuring grammatical accuracy.

17. "if they have chance" -> "if they have the opportunity"
    Explanation: "If they have chance" is informal and vague. "If they have the opportunity" is more precise and formal.

18. "they need to use their personal skills, which were generated by themsleves" -> "they must utilize their personal skills, which they have developed"
    Explanation: "Generated by themsleves" is awkward and incorrect. "Developed" is a more natural and precise term, and "must utilize" is more formal than "need to use."

19. "surpass it" -> "overcome it"
    Explanation: "Surpass it" is less common in this context. "Overcome it" is more appropriate and widely understood in academic writing.

20. "become more confident and ready for the life" -> "become more confident and prepared for life"
    Explanation: "Ready for the life" is awkward and informal. "Prepared for life" is grammatically correct and more formal.

These changes enhance the formality, clarity, and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by stating a clear disagreement with the notion that young people should have full-time education until the age of 18. The author provides arguments supporting their position, such as the importance of real-life experiences and the potential drawbacks of excessive theoretical education. However, the response could be more balanced by acknowledging the counterarguments or the benefits of full-time education, which would enhance the depth of the discussion.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should include a brief acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint, perhaps discussing some benefits of full-time education before refuting them. This would demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic and strengthen the overall argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The position against full-time education until 18 is clear from the beginning and maintained throughout the essay. However, there are moments where the phrasing becomes convoluted, which can obscure the clarity of the position. For example, phrases like "become grow up" and "the life so simple" detract from the overall clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the author should focus on simplifying sentence structures and ensuring grammatical accuracy. Clearer phrasing will help maintain a consistent position and make the argument more persuasive.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the importance of practical experience and the potential negative effects of being overly focused on education. However, some ideas are not fully developed or supported with sufficient evidence. For instance, the claim about students becoming more extroverted through volunteering could benefit from more specific examples or data.
  • How to improve: To improve, the author should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence for each point made. This could include statistics, studies, or more specific anecdotes that illustrate the benefits of practical experience versus full-time education.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of full-time education and the importance of practical experience. However, there are instances where the argument strays slightly, such as in the lengthy discussion about risks in life, which could be more succinctly tied back to the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each paragraph directly relates back to the central thesis. Using topic sentences that clearly link back to the main argument can help keep the discussion on track and relevant to the prompt.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in structure, clarity, and support for ideas would enhance its effectiveness and potentially raise the band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the necessity of full-time education until the age of 18. The introduction effectively states the writer’s position, and the body paragraphs provide supporting reasons. However, the organization within paragraphs could be improved. For example, the first body paragraph begins with a broad statement about individual success but could benefit from a clearer link to the argument about practical experience. The transition between ideas is sometimes abrupt, making it challenging for the reader to follow the progression of thought.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using topic sentences that clearly outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each point builds on the previous one, using transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For instance, after discussing the drawbacks of being overly focused on theoretical knowledge, explicitly connect this to the benefits of practical experience in the next sentence.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, which is a positive aspect. However, the structure within some paragraphs lacks clarity. For example, the second body paragraph introduces multiple ideas about the risks of full-time education without clearly delineating them, leading to a somewhat convoluted argument. The conclusion is also somewhat weak, as it reiterates the main point without summarizing the key arguments made in the essay.
  • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus and that ideas are grouped logically. Each paragraph should ideally contain one main idea supported by examples or explanations. Consider summarizing the key points in the conclusion to reinforce the argument and provide a sense of closure.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Instead of," and "Last but not least." However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be clearer. For example, phrases like "As a result" are used, but their application could be more varied to enhance the flow of ideas.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," "Conversely," and "On the other hand." This will help to create smoother transitions between ideas and improve the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to clarify relationships between ideas rather than merely as fillers.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "compelling evidence," "bookworm," and "extroverted." However, the vocabulary is often repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the phrase "full time education" is used multiple times without synonyms or paraphrasing, which limits the lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeating "full time education," alternatives like "formal schooling," "academic training," or "structured learning" could be used. Additionally, the use of more advanced vocabulary would elevate the essay’s quality.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "must to have" is incorrect; it should simply be "must have." Similarly, "become grow up" is awkward and should be revised to "grow up" or "reach adulthood." The term "theoratical knowledge" is also misspelled and should be "theoretical knowledge."
  • How to improve: Writers should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. Proofreading for grammatical errors and ensuring that phrases are idiomatic will enhance clarity. Engaging with vocabulary exercises or resources that clarify word usage in context can also be beneficial.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "disgree," "knowldege," "reseach," "posibility," "theoratical," "each students," and "themsleves." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse readers.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should adopt a systematic approach to proofreading. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, keeping a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will significantly enhance the overall quality and coherence of the writing. Engaging in targeted vocabulary exercises, careful proofreading, and seeking feedback from peers or instructors can facilitate these improvements.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt at varied sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("In recent time, it is believed that young adults must to have full time education until they become grow up") and compound sentences ("Instead of, I think that student do not need to have the full time education"). However, the overall range is limited, and many sentences are either overly simplistic or poorly constructed, which affects clarity. For example, the phrase "must to have" is incorrect; it should simply be "must have." Additionally, the use of phrases like "become grow up" is awkward and incorrect.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice using complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying, "students do not need to have the full time education," they could say, "While some argue that students should have full-time education, I believe there are alternative paths that can be equally beneficial." Engaging with resources that focus on sentence variety, such as grammar books or online exercises, can also help.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall quality. For example, "the success of each individual nowadays not only come from the knowledge" should be "not only comes from the knowledge." The phrase "theoratical knowledge" is misspelled and should be "theoretical knowledge." Additionally, punctuation issues, such as the lack of commas in compound sentences, lead to run-on sentences that confuse the reader (e.g., "As a result, this can lead to the overthinking in each students, and they do not have an opportunity to solve some complex situations by themsleves").
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should review basic grammar rules, particularly subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help solidify these concepts. Furthermore, proofreading the essay for spelling and punctuation errors before submission is essential. Utilizing tools like grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers can also provide additional support in identifying and correcting mistakes.

By focusing on these areas for improvement, the writer can enhance their grammatical range and accuracy, which will contribute to a higher band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, it is believed that young adults must have full-time education until they reach adulthood at 18 years old. From my perspective, I totally disagree with this trend, and I will explain my reasoning in this essay.

Firstly, there is considerable evidence to suggest that the success of each individual nowadays comes not only from the knowledge they have learned at school but also from real-life experiences and the challenges they must face in their lives. Therefore, it is essential for students, especially university students, to develop a plan that balances their academic and personal time. When some students spend excessive time on education, they risk becoming bookworms. Although they can easily answer theoretical questions, when they encounter a dangerous situation in life, they may find themselves unable to solve it and are more likely to fail repeatedly. Instead, I believe that students do not necessarily need to engage in full-time education; they can become volunteers in charity organizations, which provide them with a wealth of practical knowledge to address real-world problems. For instance, research in the UK has shown that students who participate in volunteer activities or work part-time jobs tend to become more extroverted, and their chances of being employed are significantly higher than those who focus solely on theoretical knowledge.

Last but not least, there are compelling reasons to argue that full-time education is not the best approach for students until they are 18 years old. It is a fact that our world today presents risks that we cannot always anticipate, and educational knowledge alone is insufficient to navigate these challenges. In a protected learning environment, students may perceive life as simple and believe that they can rely solely on what they have learned in school to overcome obstacles. As a result, this can lead to overthinking among students, preventing them from solving complex situations by themselves. Consequently, they remain within the safety zone created by education, which limits their ability to become creative and courageous individuals in life. Therefore, each student needs to spend more time exploring new information, and if they have the opportunity to face situations they have not encountered before, they must utilize their personal skills, which they have developed. If they overcome these challenges, they can become more confident and prepared for life, which includes navigating various dangerous issues that await them.

In conclusion, I completely disagree with the notion that students need to engage in full-time education until they are 18 years old. However, each of us should consider this issue carefully before reaching a final decision.