Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think that it can be harmful for children. Do you think that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Some individuals believe that there is benefit for children work paid money, whereas it is thought that it can be detrimental for children. In my opinion, i think that children do work to be paid money, which is more advantages.
It is understandable why people think this trend is detrimental. First, children only want to concetrate on earning money rather than studying. This is because children can distract learning studying duty if they can get a lot of money from their paid job. Thus they can buy everything they want such as toys or video games without acception of parents. This leads to that they will get bad learning result. Second, instead of having entertaining time, they only like the feeling of making a fortune. This will make them lack childhood like other ordinary children.
However, despite these disadvantages, I believe that there are stronger benefits to accepting children make a fortune from their early age. The first benefit is that they will value the money they make and have awareness to use money suitably. The reason for this is that they will know the difficulty of earning money. For instance, today, children's parents are having tendency to encourage their children do the housework by the way they will pay them a certain money for each housework task instead of renting housemaid. Children can do weak duties such as cleaning the floor, doing the laundary or cutting the lawn. They do not spend a lot of time on doing them and to be learnt how to have a independent life. Second, making a fortune from their early age can help them improve some soft skills such as communication skill and calculation skill. As a result, they can become better people in the furture.
In conclusion, it is apprent that children should be paid money for their jobs from early age rather than only concetrating on academical study.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Some individuals believe that there is benefit for children work paid money" -> "Some individuals believe that there are benefits for children to be paid for their work"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The suggested revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning, making it more formal and precise.
"i think" -> "I believe"
Explanation: The original is a typographical error. Capitalizing "I" is necessary for proper grammatical structure in formal writing.
"which is more advantages" -> "which offers more advantages"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. The suggested revision corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the meaning.
"children only want to concetrate on earning money" -> "children tend to focus solely on earning money"
Explanation: "concetrate" is a typographical error and "tend to focus solely" is more precise and academically appropriate than "only want to concetrate."
"distract learning studying duty" -> "distract them from their academic duties"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revision clarifies the meaning and improves the formal tone.
"without acception of parents" -> "without parental approval"
Explanation: "acception" is a typographical error and "parental approval" is the correct term for the intended meaning.
"This leads to that they will get bad learning result" -> "This leads to poor academic performance"
Explanation: "bad learning result" is vague and informal. "Poor academic performance" is more precise and formal.
"they only like the feeling of making a fortune" -> "they are solely motivated by the prospect of earning a fortune"
Explanation: "only like the feeling of making a fortune" is informal and imprecise. The suggested revision is more formal and specific.
"lack childhood like other ordinary children" -> "miss out on a normal childhood"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revision is more concise and formal.
"accepting children make a fortune" -> "allowing children to earn a fortune"
Explanation: "accepting children make a fortune" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Allowing children to earn a fortune" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"they will know the difficulty of earning money" -> "they will understand the challenges of earning money"
Explanation: "know the difficulty" is somewhat informal and vague. "understand the challenges" is more precise and formal.
"do weak duties" -> "perform light duties"
Explanation: "do weak duties" is incorrect and unclear. "perform light duties" is more appropriate and clear.
"to be learnt how to have a independent life" -> "to learn how to lead an independent life"
Explanation: "to be learnt how to have a independent life" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The suggested revision corrects these issues and improves formality.
"making a fortune from their early age" -> "earning a significant income from an early age"
Explanation: "making a fortune" is informal and imprecise. "Earning a significant income" is more specific and formal.
"can help them improve some soft skills" -> "can help them develop certain soft skills"
Explanation: "improve some soft skills" is vague and informal. "develop certain soft skills" is more precise and formal.
"become better people in the furture" -> "become better individuals in the future"
Explanation: "become better people in the furture" contains a typographical error and is informal. The suggested revision corrects these issues and maintains formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding whether paid work for children is beneficial or harmful. The introduction outlines the two perspectives, and the body paragraphs present arguments for both the disadvantages and advantages of children doing paid work. However, the conclusion does not explicitly summarize the arguments made; instead, it simply states the author’s opinion. This could lead to a lack of clarity about how the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure that each part of the question is thoroughly addressed. In the conclusion, briefly summarize the key points made in the body paragraphs before stating your opinion. This will provide a clearer answer to the prompt and reinforce the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the advantages of children doing paid work outweigh the disadvantages. However, the phrasing in the introduction ("i think that children do work to be paid money, which is more advantages") is somewhat awkward and could confuse readers. The position is somewhat muddled by the way it is expressed, particularly in the transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages.
- How to improve: Use clearer and more formal language to express your position. For example, instead of saying "i think that children do work to be paid money," you could say, "I believe that the benefits of children engaging in paid work significantly outweigh the drawbacks." This will help maintain clarity and consistency throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the benefits and drawbacks of children doing paid work. However, the support for these ideas is sometimes weak or unclear. For instance, the argument that children will learn the value of money is a strong point, but it could be better supported with more specific examples or evidence. The mention of housework tasks is relevant, but the connection to the overall argument could be more explicitly stated.
- How to improve: To strengthen your arguments, provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point. For instance, when discussing the skills children can learn from paid work, elaborate on how these skills can benefit them in the long term. Use specific scenarios or statistics to support your claims, which will make your argument more persuasive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the pros and cons of children doing paid work. However, some sentences, particularly in the disadvantages section, could be more focused. For example, the point about children lacking childhood experiences could be elaborated further to clarify how this relates to the central argument.
- How to improve: Ensure that every point made directly relates back to the question of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. When introducing a new idea, briefly explain how it connects to the main argument. This will help maintain focus and coherence throughout the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the benefits and drawbacks of children doing paid work. The introduction effectively sets up the debate, and the body paragraphs are organized to first discuss the disadvantages before transitioning to the advantages. However, the logical flow could be improved; for instance, the transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages feels abrupt. The points made within paragraphs are somewhat related but could benefit from clearer connections.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For instance, after discussing the disadvantages, a phrase like "On the other hand" could be used to introduce the advantages more smoothly. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate ideas, which is essential for clarity. However, the structure within paragraphs could be more effective. The first body paragraph mixes multiple ideas without clear separation, making it harder for the reader to follow the argument. The second body paragraph is more focused but could still benefit from clearer topic sentences and supporting details.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main point. For example, in the first body paragraph, consider breaking it into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the negative impact on studies and the other on the loss of childhood experiences. This will help maintain clarity and coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first," "second," and "however," which help in structuring the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences feel disjointed due to a lack of effective linking phrases. For example, the phrase "This leads to that" is vague and could be replaced with a more specific connector to clarify the relationship between ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases such as "in addition," "furthermore," "consequently," and "for instance." This will not only enhance the flow of the essay but also make the connections between ideas clearer. Additionally, ensure that pronouns and synonyms are used effectively to avoid repetition and maintain cohesion throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, focusing on improving logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "detrimental," "beneficial," and "awareness." However, there are instances of repetitive phrasing, such as "paid money" and "make a fortune," which detracts from the overall lexical variety. The use of "weak duties" is also somewhat vague and could be expressed more precisely.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of "paid money," alternatives like "compensated work" or "earning wages" could be used. Additionally, replacing "make a fortune" with phrases like "earn a substantial income" would provide more depth.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. Phrases like "children work paid money" are awkward and unclear. The term "concetrate" should be "concentrate," and "acception" is incorrect; the intended meaning seems to be "exception." These inaccuracies can confuse the reader and weaken the argument.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should carefully proofread their work for clarity and correctness. Using a thesaurus can help find more appropriate words. For example, instead of "children can distract learning studying duty," a clearer expression would be "children may become distracted from their academic responsibilities."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains multiple spelling errors, such as "concetrate," "laundary," "furture," and "apprent." These mistakes indicate a lack of attention to detail and can significantly impact the readability of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice spelling common words and consider using spell-check tools. Regular reading can also help reinforce correct spelling through exposure. Additionally, creating a list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them could be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, improvements in range, precision, and spelling are essential for achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria. Focusing on these areas will lead to clearer and more effective communication of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, lacking complex structures that could enhance clarity and sophistication. For example, phrases like "children do work to be paid money" and "they only like the feeling of making a fortune" are straightforward but do not exhibit variety. The use of conjunctions is present, yet the overall sentence complexity remains low.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying "children can distract learning studying duty," a more complex structure could be "children may become distracted from their studies when they focus on earning money." Additionally, varying the sentence beginnings and using different grammatical forms (e.g., gerunds, conditionals) can enhance the richness of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, "there is benefit for children work paid money" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "there is a benefit for children doing paid work." The phrase "i think" lacks capitalization, and "concetrate" is a misspelling of "concentrate." Furthermore, punctuation is often missing or misused, such as in "This leads to that they will get bad learning result," which should be rephrased for clarity and grammatical correctness.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, including subject-verb agreement and proper verb forms. Practicing with grammar exercises that target specific weaknesses, such as verb tenses and prepositions, can also be beneficial. Additionally, using punctuation correctly—such as commas to separate clauses—will enhance readability. For example, revising "This leads to that they will get bad learning result" to "This leads to poor academic results" would improve clarity and correctness.

By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance their grammatical range and accuracy, potentially achieving a higher band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals believe that there are benefits for children to be paid for their work, whereas others think that it can be harmful for children. In my opinion, I believe that children working for pay offers more advantages.

It is understandable why some people think this trend is detrimental. First, children tend to focus solely on earning money rather than studying. This is because they can become distracted from their academic duties if they can earn a lot of money from their paid jobs. Thus, they may buy everything they want, such as toys or video games, without parental approval. This leads to poor academic performance. Second, instead of having enjoyable experiences, they may only seek the feeling of making a fortune. This can cause them to miss out on a normal childhood like other ordinary children.

However, despite these disadvantages, I believe that there are stronger benefits to allowing children to earn money from an early age. The first benefit is that they will understand the challenges of earning money and learn to value it, developing an awareness of how to use it wisely. For instance, many parents today encourage their children to do household chores by offering them a certain amount of money for each task instead of hiring a housemaid. Children can perform light duties such as cleaning the floor, doing the laundry, or cutting the lawn. These tasks do not take up a lot of time and help them learn how to lead an independent life. Second, earning money from an early age can help them develop certain soft skills, such as communication and calculation skills. As a result, they can become better individuals in the future.

In conclusion, it is apparent that children should be paid for their work from an early age rather than solely concentrating on academic study.