The table and pie chart give information about the population in Australia according to different nationalities and areas.

The pie chart illustrates the proportion of local people in six different countries out of the total population, while the table depicts these people into two groups: living in rural areas and urban areas.
Overall, the majority of local people are Australians. Notably, the percentage of citizens in five countries holds the higher position with the biggest figure belongs to that of the Chinese.
Firstly, there was a nearly three-fourth share in the proportion of Australians, at 73%. In addition, the figure of other countries shared 14% of the total population, which is two-fold higher than the population of the British. Similarly, the percentage of the Dutch and the Chinese have 1% and 2% respectively, and the figure of 3% belongs to the New Zealanders.
In terms of the table, the Australian demographic has a large percentage of citizens with 80%. The similar pattern can be seen in the Dutch, British and New Zealander with the figure of 83%, 89% and 90% people living in cities in that order, compared to 17%, 11% and 10% suburban people. Finally, the Chinese with 99% people living in cities have the highest position of this trend.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The pie chart illustrates the proportion of local people" -> "The pie chart depicts the proportion of local residents"
Explanation: Replacing "illustrates" with "depicts" provides a more precise term for visual representations, and "residents" is more formal and appropriate than "people" in an academic context.
"the table depicts these people into two groups" -> "the table categorizes these individuals into two groups"
Explanation: "Depicts" is incorrect in this context; "categorizes" is the correct verb for grouping data. Also, "individuals" is more formal than "people."
"the majority of local people are Australians" -> "the majority of the local population consists of Australians"
Explanation: "Consists of" is more precise and formal than "are," and "the local population" is a clearer and more academic phrase than "local people."
"the percentage of citizens in five countries holds the higher position" -> "the proportion of citizens in five countries occupies the highest position"
Explanation: "Occupies" is more specific and formal than "holds," and "highest" is more precise than "higher."
"the biggest figure belongs to that of the Chinese" -> "the largest proportion belongs to China"
Explanation: "The largest proportion" is more specific and formal than "the biggest figure," and "China" is more appropriate than "that of the Chinese" in this context.
"nearly three-fourth share" -> "approximately three-quarters of the share"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more precise and formal than "nearly," and "three-quarters of the share" corrects the grammatical error.
"the figure of other countries shared" -> "the figures of other countries shared"
Explanation: "Figures" should be plural to match the plural subject "countries."
"two-fold higher than the population of the British" -> "twice the population of the British"
Explanation: "Twice" is a more direct and formal way to express the comparative, replacing the less formal "two-fold."
"the percentage of the Dutch and the Chinese have" -> "the percentages of the Dutch and Chinese"
Explanation: "Percentages" should be plural to match the plural subjects, and "Chinese" should not be capitalized unless referring to the country.
"the figure of 3% belongs to the New Zealanders" -> "the percentage of 3% belongs to New Zealanders"
Explanation: "Percentage" should be used instead of "figure" for consistency with the rest of the text, and "New Zealanders" should not be capitalized unless referring to the country.
"In terms of the table, the Australian demographic has a large percentage of citizens" -> "According to the table, the Australian demographic comprises a significant proportion of citizens"
Explanation: "Comprises" is more formal and precise than "has," and "significant proportion" is more academic than "large percentage."
"the similar pattern can be seen" -> "a similar pattern is evident"
Explanation: "Is evident" is more formal and precise than "can be seen."
"the figure of 80%" -> "80%"
Explanation: "The figure of" is redundant; "80%" is sufficient and more direct.
"suburban people" -> "suburban residents"
Explanation: "Residents" is a more formal term than "people" in this context, aligning better with academic style.

These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the text, making it more suitable for an academic context.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task and presents an overview of the information in the table and pie chart. The essay presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the percentage of other countries shared 14% of the total population, which is two-fold higher than the population of the British. However, the pie chart shows that the percentage of other countries is 14%, while the percentage of British is 7%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate information and avoiding irrelevant details. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language and avoiding repetition. For example, instead of saying "the similar pattern can be seen in the Dutch, British and New Zealander," the essay could say "the Dutch, British and New Zealanders all have a high percentage of people living in cities."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the pie chart to the table. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion within sentences is mechanical or lacks clarity. For example, phrases like "the figure of other countries shared 14% of the total population" could be clearer. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the transition between discussing the pie chart and the table could be more fluid.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally, ensuring that transitions between ideas are smooth. Clarifying references and avoiding mechanical phrasing will also help improve clarity. Furthermore, organizing paragraphs to clearly separate the discussion of the pie chart and the table, while maintaining logical connections, would strengthen the overall structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, using terms like "proportion," "demographic," and "suburban." However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the figure of other countries shared 14%," which could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, phrases like "the biggest figure belongs to that of the Chinese" are awkward and could be improved for clarity. While the essay attempts to use less common vocabulary, these attempts are not always successful, leading to some confusion. Errors in spelling and word formation are present but do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using more precise vocabulary and improving collocation. Ensuring clarity in expressions and avoiding awkward phrasing will strengthen the overall quality. Additionally, incorporating a wider variety of synonyms and less common lexical items accurately would elevate the essay’s sophistication. Regular practice with vocabulary exercises and seeking feedback on word choice can also be beneficial.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While it attempts to convey information clearly, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrases that detract from the overall clarity. For instance, phrases like "the percentage of citizens in five countries holds the higher position" and "the figure of 3% belongs to the New Zealanders" could be expressed more clearly. Additionally, there are instances of punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect use of conjunctions, which can cause some difficulty for the reader.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Variety of Sentence Structures: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to demonstrate grammatical flexibility.
Error Reduction: Proofread the essay to identify and correct grammatical and punctuation errors. Aim for more error-free sentences.
Clarity and Precision: Use clearer and more precise language to convey ideas. Avoid awkward phrasing that may confuse the reader.
Cohesion and Coherence: Improve the logical flow of ideas by using appropriate linking words and phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs more effectively.

Bài sửa mẫu

The pie chart illustrates the proportion of local people in six different countries relative to the total population, while the table categorizes these individuals into two groups: those living in rural areas and those residing in urban areas. Overall, the majority of local people are Australians. Notably, the percentage of citizens from five countries occupies a lower position, with the largest figure belonging to the Chinese.

Firstly, Australians account for nearly three-fourths of the total population, at 73%. Additionally, the population from other countries constitutes 14% of the total, which is twice the population of the British. Similarly, the percentages of the Dutch and the Chinese are 1% and 2% respectively, while New Zealanders represent 3%.

In terms of the table, the Australian demographic shows a significant percentage of citizens living in urban areas, at 80%. A similar pattern is observed among the Dutch, British, and New Zealanders, with 83%, 89%, and 90% of their populations residing in cities, respectively, compared to 17%, 11%, and 10% living in suburban areas. Finally, the Chinese population, with 99% living in urban areas, holds the highest position in this trend.