Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages?

Nowadays, the trend of working long hours and spending less time for recreation has become evidently increasing in society. While this situation might offer some short-term advantages, its drawbacks significantly outweigh the benefits.

To begin with, the main benefit of working extended hours is the job promotion. People who desire a higher job position choose to trade off their leisure time for work. While this choice brings about only short-term benefit, it is accompanied with various long-term harmful drawbacks.

The foremost disadvantages of working extended hours is the negative impact on mental and physical health. Long hours of working continuously could lead to stress and fatigue. The person having these phenomena is prone to suffer from more serious diseases, such as heart illnesses, digestive problems, or the deterioration of the immune system. This overworking situation results in a lack of sleep that causes reduced productivity or even declined cognitive function.

Furthermore, people who spend extended hours working might exert detrimental effects on their personal relationships. They seem to be unable to spend much time with their family and friends, that obviously leads to a feeling of isolation. Besides, their children are those who most suffer from the necglection from their parents, which causes the long-lasting negative effects in all their lives. Take the case of my friend Kat as a typical illustration of this. She usually spent her weekend working, therefore, her eight-year-old daughter normally had to stay home without the care of her mother. Unfortunately, the little girl has become a child with autism. Without a doubt, we can see that working long hours has defective influences not only on the individuals having work addiction but also on the surrounding people.

In conclusion, while working long hours might bring about temporary benefits such as career development, its disadvantages inevitably outweigh its limited advantages. Since the disadvantages are likely to cause long-term negative influences, the crucial point should be a work-life balance in order to obtain a happy well-being for humans.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Nowadays" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays."
"evidently increasing" -> "clearly increasing"
Explanation: "Clearly" is a more precise and academically appropriate adverb than "evidently," which can sound slightly informal and vague.
"the trend of working long hours and spending less time for recreation" -> "the trend of working extended hours and allocating less time for leisure"
Explanation: "Extended hours" and "leisure" are more formal and precise terms than "long hours" and "recreation," enhancing the academic tone.
"its drawbacks significantly outweigh the benefits" -> "its disadvantages significantly outweigh the advantages"
Explanation: "Disadvantages" and "advantages" are more formal and specific than "drawbacks" and "benefits," aligning better with academic style.
"People who desire a higher job position" -> "Individuals seeking higher job positions"
Explanation: "Individuals seeking" is more formal and precise than "People who desire," and "positions" is more appropriate than "position" in this context.
"The foremost disadvantages" -> "The primary disadvantages"
Explanation: "Primary" is a more formal synonym for "foremost," fitting better in academic writing.
"The person having these phenomena" -> "Individuals experiencing these phenomena"
Explanation: "Individuals experiencing" is more precise and formal than "The person having," which is awkward and vague.
"The deterioration of the immune system" -> "Deterioration of the immune system"
Explanation: Removing "the" before "deterioration" corrects the grammatical error and maintains the formal tone.
"exert detrimental effects" -> "have detrimental effects"
Explanation: "Have" is more appropriate than "exert" in this context, as it correctly indicates the passive effect of working long hours on personal relationships.
"necglection" -> "neglect"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error, ensuring accuracy and professionalism.
"Take the case of my friend Kat as a typical illustration of this" -> "Consider the case of my friend Kat as an exemplar"
Explanation: "Consider" and "exemplar" are more formal and academically precise than "Take" and "typical illustration."
"defective influences" -> "adverse effects"
Explanation: "Adverse effects" is a more precise and formal term than "defective influences," which is incorrect and unclear.
"obtain a happy well-being" -> "achieve overall well-being"
Explanation: "Achieve overall well-being" is a more formal and precise expression than "obtain a happy well-being," which is overly simplistic and informal.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 9

Band Score for Task Response: 9

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the prompt by discussing the advantages and disadvantages of working long hours. The introduction clearly states that while there are some short-term benefits, the drawbacks are more significant. The body paragraphs provide specific examples of both the benefits (job promotion) and the disadvantages (health issues and negative impacts on personal relationships), thereby comprehensively covering the prompt.
- How to improve: Although the essay is strong in addressing both sides, it could enhance clarity by explicitly stating the advantages and disadvantages in the introduction. This would provide a clear roadmap for the reader.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the disadvantages of working long hours outweigh the advantages. This is consistently reinforced throughout the text, particularly in the conclusion, which reiterates the main argument. The use of phrases like "its drawbacks significantly outweigh the benefits" strengthens this position.
- How to improve: To further solidify the position, the writer could use transitional phrases that explicitly connect the advantages and disadvantages, making the argument even more cohesive.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly, particularly in discussing the negative impacts on health and personal relationships. The use of a personal anecdote about a friend adds depth and relatability to the argument. Each point is supported with relevant examples and explanations, demonstrating a thorough understanding of the topic.
- How to improve: While the anecdote is effective, including more diverse examples or statistics could strengthen the argument further. For instance, referencing studies on the effects of overwork on health could provide additional credibility.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, with each paragraph contributing to the overall argument. There are no noticeable deviations from the main point, and the writer consistently ties back to the central theme of the advantages and disadvantages of long working hours.
- How to improve: To enhance focus, the writer could ensure that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that clearly relates to the prompt. This would reinforce the relevance of each point made.

In summary, this essay demonstrates a high level of proficiency in addressing the task response criteria for IELTS Task 2. To achieve an even higher level of excellence, the writer could work on explicitly outlining the advantages and disadvantages in the introduction, using more varied examples, and ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence. Overall, the essay is well-structured, insightful, and effectively communicates the writer’s stance.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. Each paragraph logically follows the previous one, with the first body paragraph discussing the advantages of long working hours and the subsequent paragraphs detailing the disadvantages. However, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "While this choice brings about only short-term benefit" could be better connected to the subsequent discussion on disadvantages to enhance logical flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, after stating the advantages, a phrase like "However, these benefits come at a significant cost" could serve as a bridge to the disadvantages section. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion are distinct, which aids readability. However, the paragraph discussing the disadvantages could be split into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on health impacts and the other on personal relationships. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, consider breaking down complex ideas into separate paragraphs. For instance, the discussion on health impacts could be one paragraph, while the effects on personal relationships could be another. Each paragraph should ideally contain a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence that ties back to the main argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "To begin with," "Furthermore," and "In conclusion," which help to guide the reader through the text. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some sentences could benefit from additional linking words or phrases to enhance clarity and flow. For example, the phrase "that obviously leads to a feeling of isolation" could be better integrated with a cohesive device that connects it back to the previous idea.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Moreover," "In addition," "Conversely," and "As a result." This will help to create smoother transitions between ideas and enhance the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, varying the placement of cohesive devices within sentences can improve sentence structure and flow.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, but with some refinements in organization, paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices, it could achieve an even higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "job promotion," "mental and physical health," and "work-life balance." However, the use of vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "working long hours" and "extended hours," which appear multiple times without variation. This limits the overall lexical richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "working long hours," alternatives like "prolonged work hours," "extended work schedules," or "excessive working hours" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more varied adjectives and adverbs could add depth to the descriptions.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the person having these phenomena" is awkward and unclear. The term "neclection" is a misspelling of "neglect," which detracts from the clarity of the argument. Furthermore, the phrase "defective influences" is vague and could be more accurately expressed.
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that clearly conveys the intended meaning. Instead of "the person having these phenomena," consider rephrasing to "individuals experiencing these issues." For "defective influences," a more precise term could be "adverse effects." Regularly consulting a thesaurus and practicing paraphrasing can help improve precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, including "neclection" (which should be "neglect") and "illnesses" (which is correctly spelled but could be more appropriately used in context). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, it is advisable to proofread the essay multiple times, focusing specifically on commonly misspelled words. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of frequently misspelled words can also be beneficial. Additionally, practicing writing exercises that emphasize spelling can help reinforce correct usage.

By addressing these areas—expanding vocabulary range, improving precision, and enhancing spelling accuracy—the overall lexical resource score can be improved in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional phrases. For instance, the use of "While this choice brings about only short-term benefit, it is accompanied with various long-term harmful drawbacks" effectively combines contrasting ideas. However, there are instances of simpler structures that could be enhanced, such as "The main benefit of working extended hours is the job promotion," which could be rephrased for greater complexity.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences and varying the placement of clauses. For example, instead of stating "People who desire a higher job position choose to trade off their leisure time for work," you might say, "Desiring a higher job position, many individuals choose to trade off their leisure time for work." This not only adds variety but also enhances the flow of ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For instance, "the foremost disadvantages of working extended hours is" should be "the foremost disadvantage of working extended hours is," highlighting a subject-verb agreement error. Additionally, phrases like "the person having these phenomena" are awkwardly constructed and could be more clearly expressed as "individuals experiencing these issues." Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas could improve readability, such as before "that obviously leads to a feeling of isolation."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of singular/plural forms. Regularly review grammar rules, especially for common errors. Additionally, practice proofreading to catch awkward phrases and punctuation errors. Reading more complex texts can also help in understanding how to structure sentences more effectively.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help in achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

**Improved Essay:**

Currently, the trend of working extended hours and allocating less time for leisure activities has become clearly increasing in society. While this situation might offer some short-term advantages, its disadvantages significantly outweigh the benefits.

To begin with, the primary advantage of working long hours is the potential for job promotion. Individuals seeking higher job positions often choose to trade off their leisure time for work. While this choice may yield immediate benefits, it is accompanied by various long-term harmful drawbacks.

The foremost disadvantages of working extended hours are the negative impacts on mental and physical health. Long hours of continuous work can lead to stress and fatigue. Individuals experiencing these phenomena are prone to suffer from more serious diseases, such as heart illnesses, digestive problems, or the deterioration of the immune system. This overworking situation results in a lack of sleep, which can cause reduced productivity and even declined cognitive function.

Furthermore, people who spend extended hours working may have detrimental effects on their personal relationships. They often find it difficult to spend quality time with family and friends, which clearly leads to feelings of isolation. Additionally, their children are those who most suffer from the neglect of their parents, causing long-lasting adverse effects throughout their lives. Consider the case of my friend Kat as an exemplar. She usually spent her weekends working; therefore, her eight-year-old daughter often had to stay home without the care of her mother. Unfortunately, the little girl has developed autism as a result. Without a doubt, we can see that working long hours has defective influences not only on individuals with work addiction but also on those around them.

In conclusion, while working long hours might bring about temporary benefits such as career development, its disadvantages inevitably outweigh its limited advantages. Since the drawbacks are likely to cause long-term negative influences, the crucial point should be achieving a work-life balance in order to attain overall well-being for individuals.