The graph below shows the percentage of people visiting Gym once a month or more between 1984 to 2003.

The provided line chart gives details about the percentage of gym visitors who came and worked out at least once a month from 1984 to 2003, divided by age groups.
Overall, while the percentage of young adults aged from 18 to 25, and that of employable individuals aged between 26 and 45 coming to gymnastics witnessed an upward trend, the opposite was true for those whose ages were from 46 to 65. In addition, the lowest percentage of people visiting this sports place seemed to be exhibited in the oldest group, whose ages were above 65 years old.
In 1984, the percentage of working-age groups attending the gym stood at the highest level of 30%, which then increased constantly over 19 years and finally reached around 50%. However, the population percentage of the 18 to 25 age group coming to the gym witnessed the most drastic growth, rising consistently from a mere 15% in 1984 to about 65% in 2003, eventually replacing the employable group at the end.
By contrast, seniors aged between 46 and 65 saw a decreased tendency to visit the gym, with is percentage declining significantly from more than a quarter to only 15% in 2003. Regarding the remaining age groups, individuals who are older than 65, on the other hand, underwent a fluctuation throughout the whole period. Specifically, there was a rise from 5% to 10% in the first 10 years, followed by a slight decline to its starting point before rising again and reaching 20% at the end of the period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the provided line chart gives details about" -> "the provided line chart presents data on"
Explanation: "Presents data on" is more formal and precise than "gives details about," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"the percentage of young adults aged from 18 to 25, and that of employable individuals aged between 26 and 45 coming to gymnastics witnessed an upward trend" -> "the percentage of young adults aged 18 to 25 and employable individuals aged 26 to 45 visiting the gym exhibited an upward trend"
Explanation: "Visiting the gym" is more specific than "coming to gymnastics," which can imply a focus on the sport rather than the facility. "Exhibited" is a more formal alternative to "witnessed."
"the lowest percentage of people visiting this sports place seemed to be exhibited in the oldest group" -> "the lowest percentage of individuals frequenting this facility was observed in the oldest age group"
Explanation: "Frequenting this facility" is more precise and formal than "visiting this sports place." "Was observed" is a more academic phrasing than "seemed to be exhibited."
"the percentage of working-age groups attending the gym stood at the highest level of 30%" -> "the percentage of working-age individuals attending the gym reached a peak of 30%"
Explanation: "Reached a peak" is a more precise expression than "stood at the highest level," enhancing clarity and formality.
"However, the population percentage of the 18 to 25 age group coming to the gym witnessed the most drastic growth" -> "However, the proportion of the 18 to 25 age group visiting the gym experienced the most significant growth"
Explanation: "Proportion" is more precise than "population percentage," and "experienced" is a more formal alternative to "witnessed." "Significant" is a more academic term than "drastic."
"saw a decreased tendency to visit the gym" -> "exhibited a declining trend in gym attendance"
Explanation: "Exhibited a declining trend in gym attendance" is more formal and precise than "saw a decreased tendency to visit the gym."
"with is percentage declining significantly" -> "with its percentage declining significantly"
Explanation: "Its" is the correct possessive form, correcting the typographical error "is."
"underwent a fluctuation throughout the whole period" -> "experienced fluctuations throughout the entire period"
Explanation: "Experienced fluctuations" is more precise and formal than "underwent a fluctuation," and "entire" is a more formal alternative to "whole."
"there was a rise from 5% to 10% in the first 10 years" -> "there was an increase from 5% to 10% during the first decade"
Explanation: "Increase" is a more formal term than "rise," and "during the first decade" is more precise than "in the first 10 years."
"before rising again and reaching 20% at the end of the period" -> "before increasing again and reaching 20% by the end of the period"
Explanation: "Increasing" is a more formal term than "rising," and "by the end of the period" is clearer and more precise than "at the end of the period."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the graph, but it does not fully extend the key features. For example, the essay states that the percentage of people aged 18-25 visiting the gym witnessed the most drastic growth, but it does not provide any specific details about this growth. The essay also presents some irrelevant details, such as the fact that the percentage of people aged 46-65 visiting the gym declined significantly from more than a quarter to only 15% in 2003. This detail is not relevant to the main trends in the graph.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the key features of the graph. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of people aged 18-25 visiting the gym increased by 50% between 1984 and 2003. The essay could also be improved by removing irrelevant details. For example, the essay could remove the detail about the percentage of people aged 46-65 visiting the gym declining significantly from more than a quarter to only 15% in 2003.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, demonstrating a clear overall progression. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the data presented, and the overview summarizes the key trends. However, while cohesive devices are used, there are instances where cohesion between sentences could be improved, leading to some mechanical flow. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, particularly in the transitions between different age groups.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. This can be achieved by using a wider range of cohesive devices and ensuring that each paragraph clearly relates to the overall topic. Additionally, refining the structure of paragraphs to ensure that each one maintains a clear focus will help improve the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, using terms like "percentage," "upward trend," and "drastic growth." However, there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice and collocation, such as "came and worked out" which could be more succinctly expressed. Additionally, phrases like "decreased tendency" and "exhibited in the oldest group" are somewhat awkward and could be improved for clarity. There are also minor errors in spelling and word formation, such as "is percentage" instead of "its percentage." While these errors do not significantly impede communication, they do detract from the overall lexical resource.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using more precise vocabulary and ensuring correct collocations. Expanding the range of less common lexical items and improving the accuracy of word choices would also be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors can help to eliminate minor mistakes that may distract the reader.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of Band 6. While there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases (e.g., "with is percentage declining" should be "with its percentage declining"), these errors do not significantly hinder communication. The writer attempts to use a variety of structures, but the accuracy of complex sentences is inconsistent. Overall, the essay shows an understanding of the task and presents information clearly, but the grammatical errors and occasional awkwardness in phrasing prevent it from achieving a higher score.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Error Correction: Review sentences for grammatical errors, particularly with possessive forms and subject-verb agreement.
Complex Structures: Practice using more complex sentence structures accurately, ensuring that they are grammatically correct.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation, as errors can lead to confusion in meaning.
Variety in Sentence Types: Incorporate a wider range of sentence types, including conditional and relative clauses, to demonstrate greater flexibility in grammar use.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line chart illustrates the percentage of gym visitors who attended at least once a month from 1984 to 2003, categorized by age groups. Overall, while the percentage of young adults aged 18 to 25 and that of employable individuals aged 26 to 45 showed an upward trend, the opposite was true for those aged 46 to 65. Additionally, the lowest percentage of gym visitors was observed in the oldest group, those aged over 65 years.

In 1984, the percentage of working-age groups attending the gym was at its highest level of 30%, which then increased steadily over 19 years, eventually reaching around 50%. However, the population percentage of the 18 to 25 age group experienced the most significant growth, rising consistently from a mere 15% in 1984 to about 65% in 2003, ultimately surpassing the employable group by the end of the period.

In contrast, seniors aged 46 to 65 exhibited a declining trend in gym attendance, with their percentage significantly decreasing from more than a quarter to only 15% in 2003. Regarding the remaining age groups, individuals older than 65 experienced fluctuations throughout the entire period. Specifically, there was an increase from 5% to 10% in the first 10 years, followed by a slight decline back to the initial point before rising again to reach 20% by the end of the period.