the line graph below shows the amounts of waste produced by three companies over a period of 15 years

Presented for consideration is a line graph that illustrated the information about the number of waste supplied by three companies for 15 years, started from 2000. The data is measured in amount of tonnes.
Overall, the waste of company A and B decreased while the company C's waste experienced significant growth. Additionally, it can also be seen that the rubbish of company C went from the company with the least waste to the company with the most waste.
Beginning with the waste of company A, in 2000, it stood at 12 then decreased to 9 in 2010 before went down to about 8 at the end of the period. Meanwhile, the waste of company B started at about 8 in 2000 then rocket to approximately 10 in 2005. After that, it plunged to 3 in 2015.
Moving on to the figure for waste in company C, at the beginning, it began at about 5 then underwent a substantial, reaching approximately 7 in 2010 the rocket to the highest place of three companies: About 10 at the end of the period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"illustrated the information about" -> "illustrates data regarding"
Explanation: "Illustrated the information about" is overly verbose and informal. "Illustrates data regarding" is more concise and aligns better with academic language.
"the number of waste supplied" -> "the volume of waste generated"
Explanation: "Number of waste" is vague and incorrect; "volume of waste" is more precise and accurately reflects the measurement being discussed.
"started from 2000" -> "beginning in 2000"
Explanation: "Started from" is informal and less precise; "beginning in" is more appropriate for academic writing and clearly indicates the starting point.
"the waste of company A and B decreased while the company C’s waste experienced significant growth" -> "the waste produced by companies A and B decreased, while company C’s waste experienced significant growth."
Explanation: "The waste of company A and B" is grammatically incorrect; "the waste produced by companies A and B" ensures proper subject-verb agreement. Additionally, "company C’s waste" should not have "the" before it for consistency.
"the rubbish of company C went from the company with the least waste to the company with the most waste" -> "the waste generated by company C transitioned from the lowest to the highest volume among the companies."
Explanation: "Rubbish" is informal; "waste" is more appropriate. "Went from the company with the least waste to the company with the most waste" is vague; "transitioned from the lowest to the highest volume" provides clarity and precision.
"in 2000, it stood at 12 then decreased to 9 in 2010 before went down to about 8" -> "in 2000, it stood at 12, then decreased to 9 in 2010, before declining to approximately 8"
Explanation: "Before went down" is grammatically incorrect; "before declining" maintains proper verb form. "About" is replaced with "approximately" for a more formal tone.
"the waste of company B started at about 8 in 2000 then rocket to approximately 10 in 2005" -> "the waste produced by company B began at approximately 8 in 2000, then rose to approximately 10 in 2005."
Explanation: "Started at about" is informal; "began at approximately" is more precise. "Rocket" is informal and not appropriate in this context; "rose" is a more suitable academic term.
"it plunged to 3 in 2015" -> "it decreased sharply to 3 in 2015."
Explanation: "Plunged" is informal; "decreased sharply" maintains the intended meaning while adhering to a formal tone.
"at the beginning, it began at about 5 then underwent a substantial, reaching approximately 7 in 2010 the rocket to the highest place of three companies: About 10 at the end of the period." -> "initially, it was approximately 5, then underwent substantial growth, reaching approximately 7 in 2010, before rising to the highest volume among the three companies: approximately 10 at the end of the period."
Explanation: "At the beginning" is vague; "initially" is more concise. "Underwent a substantial" is incomplete; "underwent substantial growth" clarifies the meaning. "Rocket to the highest place" is informal; "rising to the highest volume among the three companies" is more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but the details are not always accurate. For example, the essay states that company B’s waste "rocketed" to approximately 10 in 2005, but the graph shows that it reached a peak of about 9.5. The essay also states that company C’s waste "underwent a substantial" increase, but the graph shows that the increase was relatively gradual.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate details about the data. The writer should also avoid using overly dramatic language, such as "rocketed" and "substantial." Instead, the writer should use more neutral language to describe the trends in the data.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe the trends for each company, the transitions between ideas are not always clear, leading to a somewhat disjointed flow. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and occasionally inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the relationships between ideas. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the structure does not effectively separate the discussion of each company.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow of ideas. This can be achieved by using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately and ensuring that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are smooth. Additionally, organizing the information into clear paragraphs that each focus on a single topic will help clarify the overall progression of the essay. Lastly, avoiding repetitive language and ensuring accurate referencing will contribute to a more cohesive response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe the data presented in the line graph, there are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "waste supplied" instead of "waste produced" and "rocket" instead of "rose." Additionally, there are issues with spelling and grammatical structures, such as "the rubbish of company C went from the company with the least waste to the company with the most waste," which could be expressed more clearly. These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the overall message.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to expand their vocabulary by incorporating more precise and varied terms related to data description. Additionally, practicing the correct usage of collocations and ensuring grammatical accuracy will improve clarity. Using synonyms and avoiding repetition will also contribute to a more sophisticated expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. While there are some accurate structures, frequent grammatical errors (e.g., "illustrated the information about the number of waste supplied" should be "illustrates the amount of waste produced") and issues with punctuation detract from clarity. The errors sometimes cause difficulty for the reader, particularly in the transitions between ideas and the overall flow of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences with subordinate clauses. Additionally, careful proofreading to correct grammatical errors and improve punctuation would help clarify meaning. Practicing the use of transitional phrases can also improve the coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

Presented for consideration is a line graph that illustrates the amounts of waste produced by three companies over a period of 15 years, starting from 2000. The data is measured in tonnes.

Overall, the waste produced by companies A and B decreased, while company C’s waste experienced significant growth. Additionally, it can be observed that company C transitioned from having the least waste to becoming the company with the most waste.

Beginning with the waste produced by company A, in 2000, it stood at 12 tonnes, then decreased to 9 tonnes in 2010 before falling to about 8 tonnes at the end of the period. Meanwhile, the waste from company B started at approximately 8 tonnes in 2000, then surged to around 10 tonnes in 2005. After that, it plunged to 3 tonnes in 2015.

Moving on to the figures for waste from company C, at the beginning of the period, it started at about 5 tonnes and underwent substantial growth, reaching approximately 7 tonnes in 2010, then skyrocketing to the highest level among the three companies, at about 10 tonnes by the end of the period.