Some people think competition at work, at school in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people think competition at work, at school in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Occasionally, competing in the workplace or educational environment is beneficial to people, while cooperating is proposed by others. Both opinions have positive and negative points. I think people should flexibly compete and collaborate to maximize their productivity.

On one hand, the rivalry is necessary because it motivates staff and students to be more creative, enhances their work efficiency, and accelerates the working process. For example, in a football team including bench players, individuals endeavor to compete with each other so they can be starters in a match. Therefore, all athletes are better than they were so this positive change will strengthen their collective. However, competition comes with drawbacks, if people get aggressive while competing with others. It will not only get grim results but also create a toxic environment.

On the other hand, collaboration is also crucial in working and studying. Because the procedure has many stages and needs to be done, therefore, good coordination leads to perfect process completion. For example, in teamwork sports such as basketball, five players on the court must understand each other to effectively proceed with the strategy. Nevertheless, there is a problem in that the procedure cannot be efficient if individuals are not at the same working level.

In conclusion, both competing and collaborating have advantages and disadvantages, we cannot eliminate one and use the other because to make good improvements we might have to be flexible.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Occasionally" -> "Occasionally, however"
   Explanation: Adding "however" clarifies the transition between the two contrasting views, enhancing the formal tone and flow of the introduction.

2. "competing in the workplace or educational environment" -> "engaging in competitive dynamics within the workplace or educational settings"
   Explanation: "Engaging in competitive dynamics" is more precise and formal, and "settings" is a more academic term than "environment," which is somewhat vague.

3. "cooperating is proposed by others" -> "collaboration is advocated by others"
   Explanation: "Collaboration" is a more specific term than "cooperating," and "advocated" is more formal than "proposed."

4. "flexibly compete and collaborate" -> "strategically engage in both competition and collaboration"
   Explanation: "Strategically engage" suggests a more thoughtful and intentional approach, which is more suitable for academic writing.

5. "the rivalry is necessary" -> "competition is essential"
   Explanation: "Essential" is a stronger, more formal term than "necessary," and it better conveys the importance of competition in the context.

6. "motivates staff and students to be more creative" -> "stimulates creativity among staff and students"
   Explanation: "Stimulates creativity" is a more precise and formal way to describe the effect of competition on motivation.

7. "enhances their work efficiency" -> "optimizes their productivity"
   Explanation: "Optimizes their productivity" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "enhances their work efficiency."

8. "accelerates the working process" -> "expedites the workflow"
   Explanation: "Expedites the workflow" is a more precise and formal expression, suitable for an academic context.

9. "bench players" -> "reserve players"
   Explanation: "Reserve players" is a more formal and specific term than "bench players," which is colloquial.

10. "get grim results" -> "yield unfavorable outcomes"
    Explanation: "Yield unfavorable outcomes" is more formal and precise than "get grim results," which is somewhat informal.

11. "create a toxic environment" -> "generate a hostile atmosphere"
    Explanation: "Generate a hostile atmosphere" is a more formal and precise way to describe the negative impact of competition.

12. "Because the procedure has many stages and needs to be done" -> "Given the complexity of the process"
    Explanation: "Given the complexity of the process" is a more concise and formal way to introduce the necessity of coordination.

13. "good coordination leads to perfect process completion" -> "effective coordination ensures seamless process completion"
    Explanation: "Effective coordination ensures seamless process completion" is more precise and formal, emphasizing the outcome of coordination.

14. "the procedure cannot be efficient" -> "the process may not be efficient"
    Explanation: "May not be efficient" is a more cautious and academically appropriate phrasing than "cannot be efficient," which is absolute and less precise.

15. "we cannot eliminate one and use the other" -> "we cannot solely rely on one or the other"
    Explanation: "Solely rely on one or the other" is more precise and formal, emphasizing the need for a balanced approach.

16. "to make good improvements we might have to be flexible" -> "to achieve optimal improvements, flexibility is necessary"
    Explanation: "To achieve optimal improvements, flexibility is necessary" is more direct and formal, enhancing the academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both views on competition and cooperation, but it does so in a limited manner. The discussion of competition is somewhat more developed, with examples from sports, but the exploration of cooperation lacks depth. The phrase "good coordination leads to perfect process completion" is vague and does not provide a concrete example or explanation of how cooperation can be beneficial. Additionally, the essay does not clearly articulate the author’s own opinion, which is a crucial part of the task.
  • How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the writer should ensure that both views are discussed equally and in detail. Providing specific examples of how cooperation can lead to success in various contexts (e.g., workplace projects, group studies) would strengthen the argument. Furthermore, the author should clearly state their opinion in a more definitive manner, perhaps in the introduction and conclusion, to ensure it is evident throughout the essay.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that advocates for a balance between competition and cooperation, but this stance is not consistently clear. The phrase "flexibly compete and collaborate" is somewhat ambiguous and does not convey a strong opinion. The conclusion reiterates this idea but lacks a strong statement that emphasizes the author’s viewpoint.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay. Using phrases like "In my opinion" or "I believe" can help clarify the author’s stance. Additionally, the conclusion should summarize the key points and restate the opinion more forcefully to leave a lasting impression.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to both competition and cooperation, but they are not fully developed. For instance, while the benefits of competition are mentioned, the example provided (football team) lacks depth and does not fully explore how competition leads to creativity or efficiency. The discussion of cooperation is similarly underdeveloped, with only a brief mention of teamwork in basketball without a thorough explanation of its advantages.
  • How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. Each point made should be followed by a clear elaboration that connects the idea back to the thesis. For instance, discussing specific scenarios where teamwork has led to successful outcomes in projects or studies would enhance the argument. Additionally, using statistics or research findings could provide more substantial support for the claims made.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing competition and cooperation as requested. However, there are moments where the ideas become somewhat disjointed, particularly in the transition between discussing competition and cooperation. The phrase "the procedure has many stages and needs to be done" is unclear and seems to stray from the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly ties back to the main question. Using topic sentences that directly relate to the prompt can help guide the reader and keep the essay cohesive. Additionally, avoiding vague phrases and ensuring clarity in language will help maintain a strong focus on the topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with distinct sections for competition and cooperation. The introduction effectively outlines the topic and the author’s stance. Each paragraph addresses a specific viewpoint, which aids in logical progression. However, the transition between the two main ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing competition to collaboration feels abrupt, lacking a linking sentence that ties the two concepts together.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas. For example, after discussing competition, a sentence like "Conversely, cooperation also plays a vital role in achieving success" could serve as a bridge to the next paragraph.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each one focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the author’s opinion, while the subsequent paragraphs delve into the pros and cons of competition and cooperation. However, the concluding paragraph could be more developed, as it currently lacks a clear summary of the main points discussed.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by briefly summarizing the key arguments made in the body paragraphs. This will reinforce the main ideas and provide a more rounded closure to the essay. For example, restate the benefits of both competition and cooperation before reiterating your opinion.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "on one hand," "on the other hand," and "for example." These phrases help guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For instance, the phrase "However, competition comes with drawbacks" could be enhanced by specifying what those drawbacks are in relation to the previous sentence.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, use "furthermore," "in addition," or "conversely" to introduce new ideas or contrast points. Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one to create a smoother reading experience.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, focusing on improving transitions, enhancing the conclusion, and diversifying cohesive devices will elevate the coherence and cohesion further, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, such as "beneficial," "motivate," "efficiency," and "collaboration." However, the use of synonyms and varied expressions is somewhat limited. For instance, the term "compete" is repeated multiple times without sufficient variation, which can detract from the overall lexical richness of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "compete," you could use "rival," "contend," or "strive." Additionally, incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "synergy" for collaboration or "dynamics" for competition, could elevate the essay’s lexical quality.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the rivalry is necessary" could be more accurately expressed as "competition is essential," as "rivalry" often implies a more personal or antagonistic relationship than what is typically meant in a workplace or educational context. Additionally, the phrase "good coordination leads to perfect process completion" is vague; "perfect" is an absolute term that may not accurately reflect the nuances of teamwork.
  • How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys your intended meaning. Instead of "perfect," consider terms like "effective" or "successful." Furthermore, ensure that the terms you choose align with the context; for instance, using "competition" instead of "rivalry" would provide clearer communication of your ideas.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with no glaring errors that would impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as the phrase "the procedure has many stages and needs to be done," which could be more clearly articulated.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, practice writing frequently and utilize spell-check tools. Additionally, reading more academic texts can help reinforce correct spelling and familiarize you with commonly used terms. Consider creating a list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them regularly to improve your overall spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of "On one hand, the rivalry is necessary because it motivates staff and students…" effectively combines clauses to convey a clear argument. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied to enhance the flow and engagement of the essay. For example, the phrase "the procedure has many stages and needs to be done" is somewhat repetitive and could be rephrased for variety.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses or using different sentence beginnings. For example, instead of starting with "On one hand," you might start with "While competition can drive creativity, it also has its downsides." This not only varies the structure but also adds depth to the argument.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For instance, the phrase "However, competition comes with drawbacks, if people get aggressive while competing with others" should be revised for clarity and punctuation; a semicolon or period would be more appropriate than a comma before "if." Additionally, the sentence "Therefore, all athletes are better than they were so this positive change will strengthen their collective" lacks clarity and could benefit from a clearer connection between ideas.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on punctuation, particularly in complex sentences. Review the use of commas, semicolons, and conjunctions to ensure that clauses are properly connected. Additionally, consider revising sentences for clarity; for example, breaking down longer sentences into shorter ones can help maintain clarity and coherence. Practicing with grammar exercises focused on complex sentence structures may also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Occasionally, competition in the workplace or educational environment is beneficial, while collaboration is advocated by others. Both perspectives have their positive and negative aspects. I believe that people should strategically engage in both competition and collaboration to maximize their productivity.

On one hand, competition is essential because it motivates staff and students to be more creative, enhances their work efficiency, and stimulates creativity among them. For example, in a football team with reserve players, individuals strive to compete with each other to secure a starting position in a match. Consequently, all athletes improve their skills, which ultimately strengthens their collective performance. However, competition can yield unfavorable outcomes if individuals become overly aggressive. This not only leads to grim results but can also generate a hostile atmosphere.

On the other hand, collaboration is crucial in both work and study settings. Given the complexity of the process, effective coordination ensures seamless process completion. For instance, in team sports like basketball, the five players on the court must understand each other to effectively execute their strategy. Nevertheless, the process may not be efficient if individuals are not at the same working level.

In conclusion, both competition and collaboration have their advantages and disadvantages. We cannot solely rely on one or the other; to achieve optimal improvements, flexibility is necessary.