The pie chart below shows the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013

The given pie chart illustrates the proportion of four different products which were sold on the Internet in New Zealand from 2003 to 2013.
Overall, the ratio of travel was highest in 2003, and that of film/music was most significant in 2013. Moreover, a decrease in the percentage of travel and clothes caused an increase in the shares of books and film/music.
In 2003, travel was the most dominant goods with 36%, but less than one fifth of the online sales came from books at 19%. Meanwhile, the statistic of the clothes was higher than the data of film/music with 24% and 21% respectively.
Subsequently, the consumption of clothes and travel dropped to 16% and 29% in that order. While the market shares of books and film/music grew to 22% and 33% in that sequence in the same year.
It can be seen that the demand for film/music made the bigger change with a rise of 12%, whereas the figure for books, showed the smallest alteration, accelerating by 3% in the given time.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the proportion of four different products which were sold" -> "the proportion of four distinct products sold"
Explanation: "Different" is vague; "distinct" provides clarity. Additionally, "which were sold" can be simplified to "sold" for conciseness.
"the ratio of travel was highest" -> "the proportion of travel sales was highest"
Explanation: "Ratio" is often used in mathematical contexts; "proportion of travel sales" is more precise and contextually appropriate.
"most significant" -> "most substantial"
Explanation: "Significant" can imply importance rather than quantity; "substantial" more accurately conveys the idea of a considerable amount.
"a decrease in the percentage of travel and clothes caused an increase in the shares of books and film/music" -> "a decrease in the proportions of travel and clothing resulted in an increase in the shares of books and film/music"
Explanation: "Percentage" is less precise than "proportions," and "clothes" is more formally referred to as "clothing." "Caused" is replaced with "resulted in" for a more formal tone.
"the most dominant goods" -> "the most dominant product"
Explanation: "Goods" is a general term; "product" is more specific and aligns with the context of discussing individual items.
"the statistic of the clothes was higher than the data of film/music" -> "the proportion of clothing was higher than that of film/music"
Explanation: "Statistic" and "data" are informal and vague; "proportion" is more precise. "That of" is a clearer comparative structure.
"dropped to 16% and 29% in that order" -> "decreased to 16% and 29%, respectively"
Explanation: "Dropped" is too informal; "decreased" is more appropriate in an academic context. "In that order" is replaced with "respectively" for clarity and conciseness.
"the market shares of books and film/music grew to 22% and 33% in that sequence" -> "the market shares of books and film/music increased to 22% and 33%, respectively"
Explanation: "Grew" is informal; "increased" is more suitable. "In that sequence" is redundant when using "respectively."
"the demand for film/music made the bigger change" -> "the demand for film/music exhibited the most significant change"
Explanation: "Made the bigger change" is informal; "exhibited the most significant change" is more precise and formal.
"the figure for books, showed the smallest alteration" -> "the figure for books showed the smallest change"
Explanation: The comma is unnecessary and disrupts the flow. "Alteration" is less common in this context; "change" is clearer and more direct.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but the details are not always accurate. For example, the essay states that "the consumption of clothes and travel dropped to 16% and 29% in that order", but the actual figures are 16% and 29% respectively. The essay also presents some key features, but the details are not always relevant or appropriate. For example, the essay states that "the demand for film/music made the bigger change with a rise of 12%", but this is not a key feature of the data.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate details and by focusing on the key features of the data. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language. For example, instead of saying "the consumption of clothes and travel dropped", the essay could say "the percentage of online sales for clothes and travel decreased".

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction of the pie chart to the analysis of the data. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances of mechanical cohesion, particularly in the transition between sentences. The paragraphing is present but could be more logically structured to enhance clarity. For example, the second paragraph could be divided into two to separate the discussion of 2003 and 2013 more distinctly.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the logical flow between ideas and ensuring that cohesive devices are used more naturally. Additionally, improving paragraph structure by clearly separating different time periods or themes would help in presenting a more organized response. Using varied cohesive devices and ensuring that referencing is clear will also contribute to a better score in coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. The use of terms like "proportion," "dominant goods," and "market shares" indicates an attempt to use less common vocabulary. However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the statistic of the clothes" which would be more appropriately phrased as "the statistics for clothing." Additionally, there are minor errors in spelling and word formation, such as "the consumption of clothes" which could be more clearly expressed as "sales of clothing." These errors do not severely impede communication, but they do detract from the overall lexical resource.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary further, particularly with synonyms and phrases that convey precise meanings. Additionally, practicing correct collocations and ensuring that word choices are contextually appropriate would improve clarity. Proofreading for spelling and grammatical accuracy can also help reduce errors that may distract the reader.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While it includes some complex structures, there are noticeable grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the most dominant goods" and "the statistic of the clothes was higher than the data of film/music" could be expressed more clearly. Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as missing commas, which affect the overall accuracy.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Enhance Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures while ensuring they are grammatically correct.
Minimize Errors: Proofread for grammatical and punctuation errors to ensure that the majority of sentences are error-free.
Improve Clarity: Use clearer and more precise language to convey comparisons and trends, avoiding awkward phrasing that may confuse the reader.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given pie chart illustrates the proportion of four different products sold online in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Overall, the ratio of travel was the highest in 2003, while film/music had the most significant share in 2013. Moreover, a decrease in the percentages of travel and clothing led to an increase in the shares of books and film/music.

In 2003, travel was the most dominant category, accounting for 36%, while books represented less than one-fifth of online sales at 19%. Meanwhile, the statistics for clothing were higher than those for film/music, with 24% and 21% respectively.

Subsequently, the consumption of clothing and travel dropped to 16% and 29% in that order. In contrast, the market shares of books and film/music grew to 22% and 33% respectively in the same year.

It is evident that the demand for film/music experienced the most significant change, with an increase of 12%, whereas the figure for books showed the smallest alteration, rising by 3% over the given period.