In contemporary times, a growing number of individuals are opting for shopping over diverse recreational activities in their leisure time. In this essay, I will provide two reasons for this phenomenon, and I am of the opinion that this is a negative trend.

Granted, there are several justifications for why people favor going shopping over other pastimes. The rapid escalation of materialistic lifestyles, which has transformed shopping into a dominant pastime across aspects of life, leading individuals to prioritize shopping over more conventional leisure activities. To illustrate, these money-driven lifestyles stem from the allure of social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram which fuel people's desire to showcase their wealth, pulling them away from more traditional recreational activities. Shopping, furthermore, offers greater satisfaction and improved mental well-being, attracting more people to this trend. In other words, while traditional activities offer individuals significant opportunities for relaxation, shopping enables individuals to derive value from tangible possessions, thereby enhancing their appreciation for material goods.

The preference of individuals for shopping, coupled with the decline in various recreational activities, is a negative trend. Prioritizing shopping, first and foremost, fosters an over-reliance on material possessions, leading to a deficiency in essential developmental skills such as hand-foot coordination and energy management, which can be cultivated through traditional activities. This can be observed in the consumerison place a great emphasis on many individuals, creating an imbalance where other traditional activities are underrepresented, contributing to a decline in opportunities for mental relaxation and energy release. By focusing on shopping, in addition, individuals might miss out on opportunities to appreciate and preserve the value of conventional activities that have been passed down from generation to generation, as a token of their gratitudes. To be more specific, individuals, particularly young people, can initiate social gatherings to communicate significant messages regarding traditional activities and motivate the future generation to engage in these pursuits.

In conclusion, there are several reasons why people often prioritize shopping over other recreational activities. One key factor is the prevalence of materialistic lifestyles, along with the satisfaction that comes from acquiring tangible possessions. Additionally, this trend is concerning because it leads to an imbalance in leisure activities and reflects an over-reliance on money-driven behaviors.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In contemporary times" -> "In the contemporary era"
Explanation: "In the contemporary era" is a more formal and precise phrase that enhances the academic tone of the essay.
"opting for shopping" -> "preferring shopping"
Explanation: "Preferring" is a more formal and precise term than "opting for," which is somewhat colloquial and vague in this context.
"diverse recreational activities" -> "varied recreational pursuits"
Explanation: "Varied recreational pursuits" is a more formal and specific term that better fits the academic style.
"I am of the opinion that" -> "I contend that"
Explanation: "I contend that" is a stronger, more assertive academic expression that enhances the formal tone of the essay.
"money-driven lifestyles" -> "materialistic lifestyles"
Explanation: "Materialistic lifestyles" is a more precise term that directly relates to the focus on material possessions, which is clearer and more specific than "money-driven."
"fuel people’s desire" -> "stimulate people’s desire"
Explanation: "Stimulate" is a more formal and academically appropriate verb than "fuel," which can be seen as too colloquial.
"pulling them away" -> "distracting them from"
Explanation: "Distracting them from" is a more formal and precise way to describe the effect of social media on people’s preferences.
"shopping enables individuals to derive value from tangible possessions" -> "shopping allows individuals to derive value from material possessions"
Explanation: "Allows" is a more formal synonym for "enables," and "material possessions" is a more precise term than "tangible possessions."
"prioritizing shopping" -> "prioritizing shopping activities"
Explanation: Adding "activities" clarifies that the focus is on the act of shopping itself, not just the outcome.
"fosters an over-reliance on material possessions" -> "promotes an over-reliance on material possessions"
Explanation: "Promotes" is a more formal and precise verb than "fosters" in this context, enhancing the academic tone.
"deficiency in essential developmental skills" -> "deficiency in fundamental developmental skills"
Explanation: "Fundamental" is a more precise term than "essential" in this context, emphasizing the basic nature of the skills.
"consumerison" -> "consumption"
Explanation: "Consumption" is the correct term, not "consumerison," which is a typographical error.
"token of their gratitudes" -> "token of their gratitude"
Explanation: "Gratitude" is the correct noun form, not "gratitudes," which is plural and incorrect in this context.
"initiate social gatherings" -> "organize social gatherings"
Explanation: "Organize" is a more precise and formal verb than "initiate" in this context, suggesting a more structured approach to social events.
"communicate significant messages" -> "convey important messages"
Explanation: "Convey" is a more formal and precise verb than "communicate" in this context, emphasizing the transmission of meaningful information.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the reasons behind the trend of shopping over recreational activities and articulating a clear opinion that this trend is negative. The introduction clearly outlines the two reasons that will be discussed, which helps set the stage for the argument. However, while the reasons provided are relevant, they could be more explicitly linked back to the prompt to ensure that all aspects are thoroughly covered. For instance, the mention of social media could be expanded to clarify how it specifically impacts the choice of shopping over other activities.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each reason is directly tied back to the prompt. Explicitly stating how each reason contributes to the trend of prioritizing shopping over recreational activities would strengthen the argument. Additionally, providing a brief overview of the recreational activities being overshadowed could add depth.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the trend of prioritizing shopping is negative. This stance is consistently reinforced throughout the essay, particularly in the second paragraph where the implications of this trend are discussed. However, there are moments where the language could be more assertive to emphasize the negative consequences of this trend, particularly in the first paragraph where the reasons are introduced.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and assertiveness, the writer could use more definitive language when stating their opinion. Phrases like "I firmly believe" or "It is evident that" can strengthen the position. Additionally, summarizing the negative implications more explicitly in the conclusion would reinforce the stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding materialism and the satisfaction derived from shopping, which are relevant and well-developed. The use of examples, such as social media’s influence, adds depth. However, some ideas could benefit from further elaboration. For instance, the mention of "essential developmental skills" could be expanded to explain why these skills are important and how they relate to the decline in recreational activities.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. Incorporating statistics or studies that support the claims about the negative effects of shopping on mental well-being or social skills would add credibility. Additionally, discussing counterarguments could provide a more balanced perspective.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the trend of shopping versus recreational activities. However, there are instances where the discussion becomes slightly vague, particularly in the second paragraph when discussing "energy management" and "hand-foot coordination." These points could be more directly connected to the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly ties back to the central argument about the negative implications of prioritizing shopping. Avoiding overly broad statements and instead focusing on specific recreational activities that are being neglected would help keep the essay on track.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a coherent argument. By refining the connections between ideas and the prompt, enhancing the clarity of the position, and providing more detailed support for claims, the essay could achieve an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the preference for shopping over recreational activities. The introduction effectively outlines the writer’s stance and the reasons to be discussed. However, the logical flow within the body paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing materialism to the negative impacts of shopping feels abrupt. The connection between the two ideas isn’t fully developed, which could confuse readers about how they relate.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear topic sentences for each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis statement. Additionally, ensure that each point flows naturally into the next by using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas, such as "Furthermore," or "In addition to this."
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the body paragraphs could be more effectively structured. The first body paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be better separated into distinct paragraphs. This would allow for a more focused discussion on each reason for the trend.
- How to improve: Aim to have one main idea per paragraph. For example, the first body paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on the materialistic lifestyle and its influence, and the other on the satisfaction derived from shopping. This separation would allow for deeper exploration of each point and improve clarity.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "for example," "in other words," and "to be more specific." However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some transitions feel forced or repetitive. For instance, the phrase "in addition" appears multiple times, which can detract from the overall fluidity of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeating "in addition," consider using alternatives like "moreover," "furthermore," or "additionally." Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used to clarify relationships between ideas, such as cause and effect or contrast, to enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to a better band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "materialistic lifestyles," "dominant pastime," and "mental well-being." These phrases effectively convey complex ideas and contribute to the overall clarity of the argument. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "individuals" could be replaced with synonyms like "people," "consumers," or "members of society" to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, consider expanding your vocabulary further by incorporating synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "shopping," you could also use "consumerism," "retail therapy," or "purchasing behavior." Engaging with a wider array of texts can help you discover and practice new vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with a good degree of precision. However, there are some instances of imprecise usage, such as "consumerison," which appears to be a typographical error or a misused term. This detracts from the clarity and professionalism of the writing. Additionally, phrases like "energy management" may not clearly convey the intended meaning in the context of recreational activities.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, it is crucial to review vocabulary choices carefully. Ensure that terms accurately reflect the intended meaning. Consider using a thesaurus to find more precise alternatives and verify their appropriateness in context. Additionally, proofreading for typographical errors can help maintain clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good level of spelling accuracy overall, but the term "consumerison" is a notable error that disrupts the flow of the text. Such mistakes can undermine the reader’s confidence in the writer’s command of the language.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy that includes reading the essay aloud or using digital tools such as spell checkers. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial. Regular reading can also help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource, enhancing both clarity and sophistication in vocabulary use.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, it employs complex sentences effectively, such as "The rapid escalation of materialistic lifestyles, which has transformed shopping into a dominant pastime across aspects of life, leading individuals to prioritize shopping over more conventional leisure activities." This showcases the ability to integrate clauses and convey nuanced ideas. However, there are instances of less varied sentence beginnings and a tendency to rely on similar structures, such as starting multiple sentences with "Individuals" or "Shopping."
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider using a wider range of introductory phrases and varying the placement of clauses. For example, instead of starting with "Individuals," you might begin with an adverbial phrase like "In many cases," or use passive constructions to shift the focus. Additionally, incorporating more compound sentences could enhance the flow and complexity of your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from the overall quality. For example, the phrase "the consumerison place a great emphasis on many individuals" contains a typographical error ("consumerison" should likely be "consumerism") and a subject-verb agreement issue ("place" should be "places"). Furthermore, punctuation is mostly correct, but the use of commas could be improved for clarity, particularly in longer sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay carefully for typographical errors and ensure subject-verb agreement throughout. Additionally, practice using commas to separate clauses and items in a list correctly. For example, in the sentence "By focusing on shopping, in addition, individuals might miss out on opportunities to appreciate and preserve the value of conventional activities," consider revising the placement of "in addition" for smoother reading. A clearer structure might be: "In addition to focusing on shopping, individuals might miss out on opportunities…"

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, addressing the identified weaknesses will help elevate the score further.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, a growing number of individuals are opting for shopping over varied recreational pursuits in their leisure time. In this essay, I will provide two reasons for this phenomenon, and I contend that this is a negative trend.

Granted, there are several justifications for why people favor shopping over other pastimes. The rapid escalation of materialistic lifestyles has transformed shopping into a dominant pastime across various aspects of life, leading individuals to prioritize shopping over more traditional leisure activities. To illustrate, these money-driven lifestyles stem from the allure of social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram, which stimulate people’s desire to showcase their wealth, distracting them from more conventional recreational activities. Shopping, furthermore, offers greater satisfaction and improved mental well-being, attracting more people to this trend. In other words, while traditional activities provide significant opportunities for relaxation, shopping allows individuals to derive value from material possessions, thereby enhancing their appreciation for tangible goods.

The preference for shopping, coupled with the decline in various recreational activities, is indeed a negative trend. Prioritizing shopping, first and foremost, promotes an over-reliance on material possessions, leading to a deficiency in fundamental developmental skills such as hand-eye coordination and energy management, which can be cultivated through traditional activities. This can be observed in the consumption patterns of many individuals, creating an imbalance where other traditional activities are underrepresented, contributing to a decline in opportunities for mental relaxation and energy release. By focusing on shopping, individuals might also miss out on opportunities to appreciate and preserve the value of conventional activities that have been passed down from generation to generation, as a token of their gratitude. To be more specific, individuals, particularly young people, can organize social gatherings to convey important messages regarding traditional activities and motivate future generations to engage in these pursuits.