Some people believe that poverty is the root cause of crime, while others think that crime is the result of individual behavior. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that poverty is the root cause of crime, while others think that crime is the result of individual behavior.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent years, there has been an intense debate over the question whether crime mainly arises from people’s underprivileged lives or from their inherent personality. In my perspective, poverty which paves the way for low-quality education, poor living conditions and the lack of social support is the main factor leading to criminal activities. This essay will address the reasons for this phenomenon.
To begin with, living in unhealthy conditions which are short of basic needs such as: food, accommodations, social supports etc, puts people’s financial conditions in jeopardy, which increasingly creates their intentions of doing bad things to make ends meet. Gradually, these people view illegal activities as a suitable way to deal with hardship. Besides, underprivileged people scarcely receive social support from communities or individuals in terms of daily lives, mental health, etc; therefore, a desire to harm others for one's own benefits can occur among impoverished people. Becoming criminals allows them to feel superior to others in the society because they believe that it is not fair for them to suffer from miserable situations.
On the other hand, a poor education background which obviously comes from underprivileged living standards is likely to make people commit crimes due to a lack of awareness. Those who are well-educated and brought up in a supportive environment tend to have a better future with high chances of jobs, secure living conditions. On the contrary, when an individual is not provided with higher education, they will lose their vision of legal restriction and social principles, which easily causes them to commit crimes in the future. Additionally, job opportunities are often open to people with a strong education background so it is challenging for illiterate people to receive employment, which makes them resort to going in for illegal activities to earn money.
In summary, there are several ways for crime to happen but it is poverty that forces people to take part in illegal activities to improve their living standards. As a consequence, it is crucial and urgent for the communities as well as individuals to pay more attention to impoverished people who are struggling with their difficult situations.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In my perspective" -> "From my perspective"
   Explanation: "From my perspective" is a more formal and precise way to introduce personal opinion in academic writing, aligning better with the formal tone expected in essays.

2. "paves the way for" -> "facilitates"
   Explanation: "Facilitates" is a more precise and formal term that conveys the idea of enabling or making easier, which is more suitable for academic writing than the more colloquial "paves the way for".

3. "low-quality education, poor living conditions and the lack of social support" -> "substandard education, inadequate living conditions, and limited social support"
   Explanation: Using "substandard", "inadequate", and "limited" instead of "low-quality", "poor", and "lack" provides a more precise and formal vocabulary, enhancing the academic tone of the essay.

4. "puts people’s financial conditions in jeopardy" -> "jeopardizes individuals’ financial stability"
   Explanation: "Jeopardizes individuals’ financial stability" is more specific and formal, replacing the less precise "puts people’s financial conditions in jeopardy", which is somewhat vague and informal.

5. "doing bad things to make ends meet" -> "engaging in illicit activities to sustain themselves"
   Explanation: "Engaging in illicit activities to sustain themselves" is more formal and precise than "doing bad things to make ends meet", which is colloquial and vague.

6. "scarcely receive social support" -> "rarely receive social support"
   Explanation: "Rarely" is a more formal alternative to "scarcely", which is less commonly used in formal writing and can be seen as slightly archaic.

7. "a desire to harm others for one’s own benefits" -> "a motivation to harm others for personal gain"
   Explanation: "A motivation to harm others for personal gain" is more precise and formal, replacing the less formal "a desire to harm others for one’s own benefits".

8. "Becoming criminals allows them to feel superior to others in the society" -> "Engaging in criminal activities may lead them to perceive themselves as superior to others in society"
   Explanation: "Engaging in criminal activities may lead them to perceive themselves as superior to others in society" is more formal and avoids the simplistic and potentially offensive notion of "feel superior to others in the society".

9. "a poor education background" -> "a lack of educational background"
   Explanation: "A lack of educational background" is more precise and formal than "a poor education background", which is awkwardly phrased and less formal.

10. "they will lose their vision of legal restriction and social principles" -> "they may lose sight of legal boundaries and social norms"
    Explanation: "They may lose sight of legal boundaries and social norms" is clearer and more formal, replacing the awkward and unclear "their vision of legal restriction and social principles".

11. "it is challenging for illiterate people to receive employment" -> "it is challenging for individuals without formal education to secure employment"
    Explanation: "Individuals without formal education" is a more precise and respectful term than "illiterate people", which can be stigmatizing and informal.

12. "going in for illegal activities" -> "engaging in illegal activities"
    Explanation: "Engaging in illegal activities" is a more formal and appropriate phrase than "going in for illegal activities", which is colloquial and less precise.

13. "it is crucial and urgent for the communities as well as individuals" -> "it is imperative that both communities and individuals"
    Explanation: "It is imperative that both communities and individuals" is more formal and concise, replacing the less formal and slightly redundant "it is crucial and urgent for the communities as well as individuals".

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position that poverty is the primary cause of crime, while acknowledging the opposing viewpoint regarding individual behavior. The introduction sets the stage for this discussion, and the body paragraphs provide substantial evidence supporting the claim that poverty leads to crime through mechanisms like poor education and lack of social support. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the individual behavior perspective, which is only briefly mentioned.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could include a more balanced discussion by dedicating a paragraph to explore how individual behavior also contributes to crime. This would provide a more nuanced view and demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently arguing that poverty is the main factor leading to crime. The use of phrases like "in my perspective" and "it is crucial and urgent" reinforces the author’s stance. However, there are moments where the language could be more assertive to strengthen the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity and assertiveness, the author could use more definitive language, such as "I firmly believe" instead of "in my perspective." Additionally, reinforcing the main argument in the conclusion with a stronger summary of the key points would solidify the position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-developed ideas, such as the link between poverty and crime through poor education and lack of social support. Each point is supported with relevant examples, making the argument compelling. However, some ideas could be further extended with additional examples or statistics to enhance credibility.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the author could incorporate specific examples or data, such as studies linking poverty rates to crime rates or anecdotal evidence of individuals who turned to crime due to economic hardship. This would provide a more robust foundation for the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic of crime and poverty, with clear relevance throughout. However, there are slight deviations when discussing individual behavior, which is not explored in depth. This could lead to a perception that the essay is somewhat one-sided.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the author should ensure that any mention of individual behavior is directly tied back to the main argument about poverty. A brief discussion on how individual choices can be influenced by socioeconomic factors would help keep the essay on topic while addressing the prompt comprehensively.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and effectively argues that poverty is a significant contributor to crime. By incorporating a more balanced view, extending ideas with examples, and reinforcing the main argument, the author could elevate the essay to an even higher level.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument that poverty is a primary cause of crime, structured logically across paragraphs. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, outlining the main argument and indicating the essay’s direction. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, such as the impact of poor living conditions and inadequate education, which contributes to a coherent flow. For instance, the transition from discussing living conditions to education is smooth, maintaining the focus on poverty as a root cause.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that explicitly state the main idea. This will help guide the reader more effectively through the argument. Additionally, incorporating transitional phrases between paragraphs can further strengthen the logical connections between ideas.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is well-paragraphed, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct point related to the main argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic and thesis, while the subsequent paragraphs delve into specific reasons supporting the thesis. However, the second paragraph could be broken into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on living conditions and the other on social support, which would allow for a more detailed exploration of each point.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure each paragraph contains a single main idea supported by relevant examples. This can be achieved by clearly delineating the transition from one idea to another, allowing for a more digestible structure. For example, after discussing living conditions, a new paragraph could start with a sentence like, "In addition to poor living conditions, the lack of social support also plays a significant role in fostering criminal behavior."

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "besides," "on the other hand," and "additionally," which help to connect ideas and maintain flow. These devices effectively guide the reader through the argument. However, there is a reliance on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel repetitive at times.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "moreover," "in contrast," and "consequently." This will not only enhance the richness of the writing but also provide clearer connections between ideas. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "besides," you could alternate with "in addition" or "furthermore" to introduce additional points.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, effectively presenting a well-structured argument. By focusing on clearer topic sentences, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can achieve an even higher level of clarity and sophistication.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "underprivileged," "criminal activities," and "financial conditions." However, there are instances of repetition, such as the frequent use of "poverty" and "underprivileged," which limits the lexical variety. Additionally, phrases like "doing bad things" are vague and lack sophistication.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "poverty," alternatives like "economic deprivation" or "financial hardship" could be employed. Moreover, replacing "doing bad things" with "engaging in criminal behavior" would elevate the language.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are areas where word choice could be improved. For instance, the phrase "a desire to harm others for one’s own benefits" could be more accurately expressed as "a willingness to exploit others for personal gain." Additionally, "view illegal activities as a suitable way" could be refined to "perceive illegal activities as a viable means."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that conveys specific meanings. Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary lists related to crime and poverty could help in selecting more accurate terms. Practicing paraphrasing sentences can also aid in developing a more precise vocabulary.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with no significant errors noted. However, the phrase "accommodations" should be singular as "accommodation" when referring to basic needs. The term "etc." is also considered informal and should be avoided in academic writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, focusing on commonly confused words and ensuring that all terms are used correctly. Utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools can also help catch errors before submission. Additionally, practicing writing regularly will improve overall spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay meets the basic requirements for lexical resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating a wider variety of terms, refining word choices for precision, and ensuring correct spelling, the writer can aim for a higher band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "In my perspective, poverty which paves the way for low-quality education, poor living conditions and the lack of social support is the main factor leading to criminal activities" effectively convey nuanced ideas. Additionally, the use of conditional structures, as seen in "when an individual is not provided with higher education, they will lose their vision of legal restriction," showcases a good command of grammatical variety. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and structures, such as the frequent use of "those who" and "which," which can detract from the overall variety.
  • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied sentence openings and using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, instead of starting sentences with "Those who," you might rephrase to begin with adverbial clauses or introductory phrases, such as "Due to a lack of education, individuals often find themselves…" This will create a more engaging flow and demonstrate a broader range of grammatical structures.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors. However, there are some punctuation issues, particularly with the use of commas. For example, in the phrase "such as: food, accommodations, social supports etc," the colon is incorrectly used; it should be replaced with a comma. Additionally, the phrase "poor education background" should be corrected to "poor educational background" for grammatical accuracy. The use of semicolons in "social support from communities or individuals in terms of daily lives, mental health, etc; therefore," is also incorrect; a period or a comma would be more appropriate.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, it is advisable to review the rules surrounding the use of punctuation marks, particularly colons, semicolons, and commas. Practicing sentence restructuring to avoid common grammatical pitfalls, such as ensuring subject-verb agreement and using correct adjective forms, will also be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors can help catch mistakes before submission.

Overall, the essay reflects a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, but with targeted efforts to diversify sentence structures and refine punctuation, it could achieve an even higher level of proficiency.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, there has been an intense debate over whether crime primarily arises from individuals’ underprivileged circumstances or from their inherent personality traits. **From my perspective**, poverty, which facilitates substandard education, inadequate living conditions, and limited social support, is the main factor leading to criminal activities. This essay will address the reasons for this phenomenon.

To begin with, living in unhealthy conditions that lack basic needs such as food, accommodation, and social support jeopardizes individuals’ financial stability, which increasingly drives them to consider engaging in illicit activities to sustain themselves. Gradually, these individuals may view illegal activities as a viable solution to their hardships. Furthermore, underprivileged people **rarely receive social support** from their communities or individuals regarding daily life and mental health; therefore, a motivation to harm others for personal gain can emerge among impoverished individuals. Engaging in criminal activities allows them to feel superior to others in society, as they believe it is unfair for them to endure such miserable situations.

On the other hand, a lack of educational background, which often stems from underprivileged living standards, is likely to lead individuals to commit crimes due to a lack of awareness. Those who are well-educated and raised in a supportive environment tend to have better prospects, with higher chances of securing stable employment. In contrast, when an individual is not provided with a solid education, they may lose sight of legal boundaries and social norms, making it easier for them to engage in criminal behavior. Additionally, job opportunities are often available only to those with a strong educational background, so it is challenging for individuals without formal education to secure employment, which may compel them to resort to engaging in illegal activities to earn money.

In summary, while there are various factors that can lead to crime, it is poverty that compels individuals to participate in illegal activities to improve their living standards. As a consequence, **it is imperative that both communities and individuals** pay more attention to those who are struggling with difficult situations.