Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others say that this would have little impact on public health and that other measures are required . Discuss

While one school of thought holds that it enhances community health , the most effective way is increasing more sports facilities , others believe that the above viewpoint does not ensure public health and requires some solutions. This essay will first closely examine both viewpoints before including that I agree with the latter .
On the one hand , there is good ground for advocating that as increasing sports facilities are established , residents will have more opportunities to exercise . There are vibrant spaces that not only promote physical health of the public , but also serve as community hubs , which can foster social connections and a sense of belonging among residents . By providing a safe and accessible space for exercise and social interaction , sport facilities can contribute to physical and mental health .
On the other hand , notwithstanding the aforementioned arguments , I am convinced that under the busy nature of the modern world , many people, from children to elderly , are attached to hectic schedules , leading to less interest in physical activities . Therefore, building many physical fitness facilities can become useless and wasteful . So that there are some approaches effectively may be to focus on changing daily eating and lifestyle habits. In other words, people should eat vegetables and fruits to provide essential vitamins instead of fast food, combined with going to bed early will help the body stay strong and have lots of energy. In addition, government campaigns and public education play an important role in promoting physical activity by providing information and motivation to encourage individuals to be more active and the benefits of increased physical activity .
In conclusion , while there are justifications for advocating enhancing sports facilities, it is also an effective method to practice physical activities for the community; However , I would contend that individuals should adjust their eating habits, by eating more green vegetables and limiting fat food . Along with this ,the government regularly releases useful information on health protection to raise people's awareness, thereby promoting a healthier population .

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"While one school of thought holds that it enhances community health" -> "While one perspective suggests that it improves community health"
Explanation: Replacing "one school of thought holds" with "one perspective suggests" refines the academic tone by using a more precise and formal term. "Improves" is also more specific than "enhances" in this context, focusing on the direct impact on health.
"the most effective way is increasing more sports facilities" -> "the most effective approach is to increase more sports facilities"
Explanation: "The most effective approach" is more formal and precise than "the most effective way," and "increase" is grammatically correct compared to "increasing."
"others believe that the above viewpoint does not ensure public health and requires some solutions" -> "others argue that this viewpoint does not guarantee public health and necessitates alternative solutions"
Explanation: "Argue" is more specific and formal than "believe," and "guarantee" and "necessitates" are more precise and academically appropriate than "ensure" and "requires."
"This essay will first closely examine both viewpoints before including that I agree with the latter" -> "This essay will first examine both perspectives before concluding that I agree with the latter"
Explanation: "Examine" is more formal than "closely examine," and "concluding" is more appropriate for academic writing than "including."
"there is good ground for advocating that as increasing sports facilities are established" -> "there is merit in advocating that as more sports facilities are established"
Explanation: "Merit" is a more formal synonym for "good ground," and "more" is grammatically correct compared to "increasing."
"vibrant spaces that not only promote physical health of the public" -> "vibrant spaces that not only promote the public’s physical health"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "public’s" corrects the possessive form, making the phrase grammatically correct and more formal.
"under the busy nature of the modern world" -> "in the fast-paced nature of modern life"
Explanation: "Fast-paced" is a more precise and commonly used term in academic writing than "busy nature," and "modern life" is a more formal expression than "the modern world."
"many people, from children to elderly" -> "many individuals, from children to the elderly"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "the elderly" is the correct term for referring to older adults in formal writing.
"building many physical fitness facilities can become useless and wasteful" -> "the construction of numerous physical fitness facilities may prove ineffective and wasteful"
Explanation: "The construction of numerous" is more formal and precise than "building many," and "may prove ineffective" is a more academic way of expressing potential outcomes.
"So that there are some approaches effectively may be to focus on changing daily eating and lifestyle habits" -> "Therefore, several effective approaches may include focusing on altering daily eating and lifestyle habits"
Explanation: "Therefore" is a more formal transition than "So that," and "several effective approaches may include" is clearer and more formal than "there are some approaches effectively may be."
"by eating more green vegetables and limiting fat food" -> "by consuming more green vegetables and reducing fatty foods"
Explanation: "Consuming" is more formal than "eating," and "reducing fatty foods" is a more precise and academically appropriate phrase than "limiting fat food."
"the government regularly releases useful information on health protection" -> "the government regularly disseminates valuable information on health protection"
Explanation: "Disseminates" is a more formal term than "releases," and "valuable" is more precise than "useful" in an academic context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both viewpoints regarding the impact of increasing sports facilities on public health. The first paragraph introduces the topic and states that the essay will discuss both sides. The first body paragraph supports the idea of increasing sports facilities, while the second body paragraph argues against it, suggesting alternative measures. However, the discussion could be more balanced, as the argument for increasing sports facilities is less developed compared to the counterargument.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure that both viewpoints are explored in a more balanced manner. Spend equal time discussing the benefits of sports facilities and the alternative measures. Adding more examples or evidence to support both sides will provide a more comprehensive answer.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay states a clear position in favor of alternative measures over increasing sports facilities, particularly in the introduction and conclusion. However, the phrasing in the introduction is somewhat convoluted, which may confuse readers about the author’s stance. The position is clearer in the body paragraphs, but the transition between discussing both viewpoints and asserting the preferred position could be smoother.
- How to improve: Clarify the position in the introduction by rephrasing it for better readability. Use explicit language to indicate the preference for one viewpoint over the other. Additionally, ensure that the conclusion reiterates the position clearly and succinctly.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the benefits of sports facilities and the importance of dietary habits. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, while the benefits of sports facilities are mentioned, there is a lack of specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument. The discussion on dietary habits is more developed but could benefit from further elaboration on how these habits directly impact public health.
- How to improve: To improve idea support, include specific examples, statistics, or studies that illustrate the benefits of sports facilities and the effectiveness of dietary changes. This will help to substantiate the claims made and provide a more compelling argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt’s focus on public health and the role of sports facilities versus other measures. However, some sentences, particularly in the second body paragraph, stray slightly from the main topic by focusing heavily on dietary habits without clearly linking them back to public health outcomes.
- How to improve: Maintain a tighter focus on how each point relates to public health. When discussing dietary habits, explicitly connect them to the overall theme of improving public health, ensuring that every point made reinforces the central argument of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments. By addressing the areas for improvement, the essay could achieve a higher band score in Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both viewpoints, and a conclusion. However, the logical progression of ideas could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of sports facilities to the argument against them feels abrupt. The introduction states that the essay will examine both viewpoints, but the connection between the two sides lacks clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that summarize the main idea. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next by using linking phrases such as "Conversely," or "In contrast," which can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. However, the paragraphs could be better structured. For example, the first paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on the benefits of sports facilities and the other addressing the counterargument. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each viewpoint and enhance clarity.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea. Start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples. This will help maintain focus and improve the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph is balanced in length and depth of discussion.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to contrast the two viewpoints. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be stronger. For example, the phrase "So that there are some approaches effectively may be to focus on changing daily eating and lifestyle habits" lacks clarity and cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," and "In addition," to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that sentences are clearly linked to one another, maintaining a logical flow of thought. Revising awkward phrases for clarity will also enhance overall cohesion.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to a better band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "community hubs," "physical health," and "social interaction." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "physical activities" and "sports facilities." The use of synonyms or more varied expressions could enhance the richness of the vocabulary.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader array of vocabulary. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "sports facilities," alternatives like "recreational centers," "fitness amenities," or "exercise venues" could be employed. Additionally, using more descriptive adjectives or adverbs can add depth to the writing.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the most effective way is increasing more sports facilities," which could be clearer. The phrase suggests an increase in quantity rather than the establishment of new facilities. Furthermore, "the above viewpoint does not ensure public health" is vague and could be more accurately expressed.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity in expression. For example, instead of saying "the most effective way is increasing more sports facilities," it could be rephrased to "the most effective approach may involve establishing additional sports facilities." Additionally, ensuring that terms are used in their correct context will improve overall clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "fat food" instead of "fast food," "notwithstanding" which is used correctly but could be better integrated, and "the busy nature of the modern world" which is somewhat awkwardly phrased. These errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling common vocabulary related to health and fitness can build confidence and accuracy in writing.

Overall, while the essay meets the basic requirements for lexical resource, focusing on expanding vocabularyrange, improving precision in word choice, and ensuring correct spelling will help elevate the score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, phrases like "there is good ground for advocating that as increasing sports facilities are established" show an attempt at complexity. However, the overall range is limited, and many sentences are awkwardly constructed, which affects clarity. For example, "the most effective way is increasing more sports facilities" is both unclear and grammatically incorrect, as "increasing more" is redundant.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that effectively use subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "there are some approaches effectively may be to focus on changing daily eating and lifestyle habits," you could say, "One effective approach could be to focus on changing daily eating and lifestyle habits, which would address the root causes of poor health." Practicing sentence combining exercises and varying sentence beginnings can also help diversify your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, "the above viewpoint does not ensure public health and requires some solutions" is vague and lacks clarity. Additionally, the use of commas is inconsistent, such as in "while one school of thought holds that it enhances community health , the most effective way is increasing more sports facilities , others believe…" where the comma placement is incorrect and disrupts the flow of the sentence. There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "increasing sports facilities are established," which should be "increasing sports facilities is established."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. For example, revise "increasing more sports facilities" to "increasing the number of sports facilities." Additionally, practice punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences. Reading more academic texts can also help you internalize correct grammatical structures and punctuation usage.

By addressing these areas, you can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

**Improved Essay:**

While one perspective suggests that increasing the number of sports facilities enhances community health, others argue that this viewpoint does not guarantee public health and necessitates alternative solutions. This essay will first examine both perspectives before concluding that I agree with the latter.

On the one hand, there is merit in advocating that as more sports facilities are established, residents will have greater opportunities to exercise. These vibrant spaces not only promote the public’s physical health but also serve as community hubs, fostering social connections and a sense of belonging among residents. By providing safe and accessible areas for exercise and social interaction, sports facilities can contribute significantly to both physical and mental well-being.

On the other hand, despite the aforementioned arguments, I am convinced that in the fast-paced nature of modern life, many individuals, from children to the elderly, are tied to hectic schedules, leading to decreased interest in physical activities. Therefore, the construction of numerous physical fitness facilities may prove ineffective and wasteful. Instead, several effective approaches may include focusing on altering daily eating and lifestyle habits. In other words, people should consume more green vegetables and fruits to provide essential vitamins instead of relying on fast food. Additionally, going to bed early can help the body stay strong and maintain high energy levels. Furthermore, government campaigns and public education play a crucial role in promoting physical activity by disseminating valuable information and motivating individuals to embrace a more active lifestyle.

In conclusion, while there are justifications for advocating the enhancement of sports facilities as an effective method to promote physical activity within the community, I contend that individuals should also adjust their eating habits by incorporating more green vegetables and limiting fatty foods. Alongside this, the government regularly disseminates valuable information on health protection to raise public awareness, thereby fostering a healthier population.