The bar chart below shows the number of students who chose certain elective subjects at Oldtown School in 2022. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart gives information about the number of the students who were entered at four different local secondary school on September 2021. Overall, there are two variables which show the number of the school boys and school girls who studied their first year at those school.
Two of the selected secondary school had the similarly level of the school boys and school girls who participated their first year. They are Stanbridge school and Grovenor school, when the boys are as many as the girls. The number of the students in the Stanbridge school were about 100, whenever in the Grovenor school were only 33.
Looking at the Botley school, the number of the boys were less than girl with only 66 school boys and the school girls were about eighteen. We can see that the boys were fewer than the girl.
We can also see that approximately twice as many school boys as many school girls who studied in the Newtown school. In short, the Stanbride school had the highest number of the students who entered their first year in this school.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the number of the students who were entered" -> "the number of students who enrolled"
Explanation: "The number of the students who were entered" is awkward and passive. "Enrolled" is a more precise and active term that conveys the intended meaning clearly.
"on September 2021" -> "in September 2021"
Explanation: The preposition "in" is the correct choice for referring to months and years, enhancing grammatical accuracy.
"there are two variables which show the number of the school boys and school girls" -> "there are two variables that indicate the number of male and female students"
Explanation: "Variables" is a more appropriate term in an academic context, and "indicate" is more precise than "show." Additionally, "male and female students" is a more formal and concise way to refer to "school boys and school girls."
"had the similarly level of the school boys and school girls" -> "exhibited a similar level of male and female students"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is a more formal verb than "had," and "a similar level" is grammatically correct. This change improves clarity and formality.
"when the boys are as many as the girls" -> "where the number of boys is equal to that of girls"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the comparison and uses more formal language, enhancing the academic tone.
"the number of the students in the Stanbridge school were about 100" -> "the number of students at Stanbridge School was approximately 100"
Explanation: "At" is more appropriate than "in" for schools, and "was" agrees with the singular noun "number." "Approximately" is a more formal alternative to "about."
"whenever in the Grovenor school were only 33" -> "whereas Grovenor School had only 33"
Explanation: "Whereas" provides a clearer contrast, and "had" is a more direct verb choice than "were."
"the number of the boys were less than girl" -> "the number of boys was fewer than that of girls"
Explanation: "Was" agrees with the singular subject "number," and "fewer than that of girls" is more precise and grammatically correct.
"the school girls were about eighteen" -> "the number of female students was approximately eighteen"
Explanation: This revision maintains formality and clarity by specifying "female students."
"We can see that the boys were fewer than the girl" -> "It is evident that the number of boys was fewer than that of girls"
Explanation: "It is evident" is a more formal way to introduce the observation, and "that of girls" maintains parallel structure.
"approximately twice as many school boys as many school girls" -> "approximately twice as many male students as female students"
Explanation: This revision avoids redundancy and uses more formal language.
"the Stanbride school had the highest number of the students who entered their first year in this school" -> "Stanbridge School had the highest enrollment of students in their first year"
Explanation: This change improves conciseness and clarity while maintaining an academic tone.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main features of the chart. The essay also confuses key features/bullet points with detail. For example, the essay states that "Two of the selected secondary school had the similarly level of the school boys and school girls who participated their first year" but does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also states that "We can see that the boys were fewer than the girl" but does not provide any specific data to support this claim.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main features of the chart. The essay could also be improved by providing specific data to support the claims made. For example, the essay could state that "The number of boys who chose Media Studies was 38, while the number of girls who chose Media Studies was 41." The essay could also be improved by using more precise language. For example, instead of saying "We can see that the boys were fewer than the girl," the essay could say "The number of boys who chose Art was 30, while the number of girls who chose Art was 10."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare the number of boys and girls across different schools, the comparisons are not clearly articulated, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate, with instances of repetition and unclear referencing (e.g., "the boys were fewer than the girl"). Additionally, paragraphing is inconsistent, as the essay does not clearly separate distinct ideas or comparisons into logical paragraphs.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly structuring the essay with distinct paragraphs for each school or comparison. Using a wider range of cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases (e.g., "in contrast," "similarly"), would improve the flow of ideas. Furthermore, ensuring accurate referencing and avoiding repetition will help clarify the relationships between the information presented.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While the writer attempts to convey information about the bar chart, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, with instances of incorrect word forms (e.g., "the students who were entered" should be "the students who enrolled"). There are noticeable errors in spelling and word formation (e.g., "school boys" should be "schoolboys," "whenever" should be "whereas"), which may cause some difficulty for the reader. The overall clarity of the message is affected by these errors.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items, and ensure correct word forms and collocations. Practicing synonyms and varying sentence structures can help improve fluency and precision in conveying information. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical accuracy will further strengthen the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentences. While there are attempts to use complex sentences, they often lack accuracy, leading to frequent grammatical errors. For instance, phrases like "the similarly level of the school boys and school girls" and "the boys are as many as the girls" indicate awkward constructions and inaccuracies. Additionally, errors in subject-verb agreement and punctuation are present, which can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Variety of Sentence Structures: Incorporate a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical structures.
Accuracy in Grammar: Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and correct use of articles and prepositions.
Punctuation: Ensure proper punctuation to clarify meaning and improve readability.
Proofreading: Review the essay for common grammatical errors and awkward phrasing before submission.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart provides information about the number of students enrolled in four different local secondary schools in September 2021. Overall, there are two variables represented: the number of school boys and school girls who began their first year at these schools.

Two of the selected secondary schools had a similar level of school boys and school girls participating in their first year. These are Stanbridge School and Grovenor School, where the number of boys is equal to the number of girls. The total number of students in Stanbridge School was approximately 100, whereas Grovenor School had only 33 students.

In Botley School, the number of boys was less than that of girls, with only 66 school boys compared to about 18 school girls. This indicates that the boys were fewer than the girls in this school.

Additionally, it is evident that there were approximately twice as many school boys as school girls studying in Newtown School. In summary, Stanbridge School had the highest number of students entering their first year among the schools listed.