Since people can study through the internet, schools have become unnecessary. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Since people can study through the internet, schools have become unnecessary. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Recently, online learning is growing due to the developments in technology and the accession to the internet. The increase of studying through the Internet may bring to the problem that schools have become unnecessary. From my perspective, I partly disagree with the motion aforementioned.
Formal education brings a lot of benefits to students. Schools require students to become strict. Students are given supervision from their teacher and even punishments so that they could be organized. While students in the physical classroom are fully concentrating on their lecture, the online learners may be more vulnerable to the distraction on the internet. With those reasons, schools are still important for the major students, especially for individuals who do not have self-discipline.
On the other hand, we can not deny that studying through the internet is much easier for learners to access various knowledge. The Internet nowadays allows users to reach an influx of studying resources. There are a lot of websites that lead to studying programmes or books which are more varied and correct than teachers in schools. Formal education, not only teachers or books can not provide as much information and knowledge as the internet but also students may not read so many books just to answer their small question – this may be a handicap for learners.
In conclusion, despite the widespread of studying through internet and its easier accessibility for learners, online learning is not suitable for various types of learners such as unfocused students while formal education could overcome that problem.

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1. "Recently, online learning is growing due to the developments in technology and the accession to the internet." -> "Recently, online learning has grown significantly due to advancements in technology and increased internet accessibility."
   Explanation: The phrase "accession to the internet" is incorrect and awkward. "Increased internet accessibility" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing. Additionally, "has grown significantly" is more formal and accurate than "is growing."

2. "The increase of studying through the Internet may bring to the problem that schools have become unnecessary." -> "The increased use of online learning may lead to the issue that schools are becoming redundant."
   Explanation: "The increase of studying through the Internet" is awkward and vague. "The increased use of online learning" is clearer and more specific. "May bring to the problem" is grammatically incorrect; "may lead to the issue" is grammatically correct and more formal.

3. "From my perspective, I partly disagree with the motion aforementioned." -> "From my perspective, I partially disagree with this notion."
   Explanation: "The motion aforementioned" is an unusual and less common phrase. "This notion" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.

4. "Schools require students to become strict." -> "Schools require students to adhere to strict rules and schedules."
   Explanation: "Become strict" is unclear and incorrect. "Adhere to strict rules and schedules" clearly conveys the intended meaning and is more precise.

5. "Students are given supervision from their teacher and even punishments so that they could be organized." -> "Students are supervised by their teachers and may receive disciplinary actions to maintain organization."
   Explanation: "Given supervision from their teacher and even punishments" is awkward and unclear. "Supervised by their teachers and may receive disciplinary actions" is clearer and more formal.

6. "the online learners may be more vulnerable to the distraction on the internet." -> "online learners may be more susceptible to distractions on the internet."
   Explanation: "The distraction on the internet" is vague and informal. "Distractions on the internet" is more precise and formal.

7. "we can not deny that studying through the internet is much easier for learners to access various knowledge." -> "it cannot be denied that online learning offers learners easier access to a wide range of knowledge."
   Explanation: "We can not deny" is informal and less precise. "It cannot be denied" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing. "Studying through the internet" is less formal than "online learning."

8. "There are a lot of websites that lead to studying programmes or books which are more varied and correct than teachers in schools." -> "There are numerous websites offering a diverse range of educational programs and accurate information, surpassing that provided by teachers in schools."
   Explanation: "A lot of" is informal and vague; "numerous" is more precise. "Lead to studying programmes or books" is awkward; "offering a diverse range of educational programs and accurate information" is clearer and more formal.

9. "Formal education, not only teachers or books can not provide as much information and knowledge as the internet but also students may not read so many books just to answer their small question – this may be a handicap for learners." -> "Formal education, beyond what teachers and books can offer, may not provide the same breadth of information and knowledge as the internet, and students may not read extensively to answer even simple questions, potentially hindering their learning."
   Explanation: "Not only teachers or books can not provide" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Beyond what teachers and books can offer" is grammatically correct and more formal. "Small question" is informal; "even simple questions" is more appropriate. "This may be a handicap for learners" is vague; "potentially hindering their learning" is more specific and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the benefits of formal education and the advantages of online learning, which is essential for a balanced response. However, the phrase "I partly disagree" suggests a nuanced position that could be more explicitly articulated. The essay mentions that schools are still important and highlights the distractions of online learning, but it does not fully explore the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the statement that schools have become unnecessary. The conclusion reiterates the importance of formal education but lacks a clear statement of the author’s position on the necessity of schools in comparison to online learning.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should clarify their stance more explicitly in the introduction and conclusion. They could also consider explicitly stating the extent of their agreement or disagreement (e.g., "I believe schools are still necessary but should adapt to include more online resources"). Additionally, addressing the implications of their position on both educational methods would provide a more comprehensive answer.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that schools are still important, particularly for students lacking self-discipline. However, the phrase "partly disagree" creates some ambiguity about the author’s overall stance. While the essay does maintain a focus on the importance of schools, the lack of a definitive position may confuse readers about the author’s true perspective.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should consistently use language that reflects their stance throughout the essay. For instance, they could use phrases like "I firmly believe" or "It is essential to recognize" to reinforce their viewpoint. Additionally, the author could summarize their position more explicitly in each paragraph to remind readers of their argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the benefits of formal education (supervision, discipline) and the advantages of online learning (access to resources). However, some points lack depth and specific examples. For instance, the mention of "distractions on the internet" could be further elaborated with examples of common distractions or studies that support this claim. The argument about the superiority of online resources over teachers is intriguing but needs more evidence or examples to strengthen it.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the author should aim to provide specific examples, statistics, or studies that support their claims. For instance, they could mention specific online platforms or resources that enhance learning or cite research on student engagement in online versus traditional settings. This would not only strengthen their arguments but also demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the relevance of schools in the context of online learning. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as when discussing the "influx of studying resources" without directly linking it back to the necessity of schools. This could lead to a perception of drifting from the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the central question of whether schools have become unnecessary. They can achieve this by consistently linking their arguments back to the prompt, perhaps by using phrases like "In relation to the necessity of schools…" or "This highlights the importance of schools in…" to reinforce the connection between their points and the essay prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the necessity of schools in the context of online learning. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion by stating the growing trend of online learning and the author’s stance. The body paragraphs are organized to first present the benefits of formal education and then to acknowledge the advantages of online learning. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the benefits of schools to the advantages of online learning feels abrupt and could benefit from a clearer linking statement.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the importance of schools, a phrase like "Conversely, it is important to recognize the advantages that online learning offers" could help guide the reader more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses the importance of formal education, while the second addresses the benefits of online learning. However, the second body paragraph could be more clearly defined, as it mixes points about the internet’s accessibility with criticisms of formal education without a clear structure.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. For instance, the second body paragraph could start with a sentence like, "Despite the advantages of formal education, online learning offers unparalleled access to resources," which would clarify the focus of the paragraph from the outset.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "On the other hand" and "In conclusion," which help to signal shifts in argument and summarize points. However, there is a limited variety of cohesive devices used, and some sentences could benefit from additional linking words to enhance clarity and flow. For example, phrases like "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Moreover" could be used to better connect related ideas within paragraphs.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, practice incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriatelyto enhance the logical connections between ideas. For example, when introducing a contrasting point, using "However," or "Nevertheless," can provide a clearer contrast to the preceding statement.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, attention to logical flow, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it tends to rely on some common phrases and expressions. For instance, terms like "online learning," "students," and "internet" are repeated without much variation. While the writer uses some synonyms, such as "accession" and "influx," these are not always effectively integrated into the context. The phrase "formal education brings a lot of benefits" is somewhat vague and could be enhanced with more specific vocabulary to convey nuanced meanings.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate more varied expressions and synonyms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "students," alternatives like "learners," "pupils," or "scholars" could be employed. Additionally, using more sophisticated descriptors for "benefits" (e.g., "advantages," "merits," "gains") would elevate the language.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "the increase of studying through the Internet may bring to the problem" is awkward and unclear. The term "accession" is also not the most appropriate choice in this context; "access" would be more fitting. Furthermore, the sentence "students may not read so many books just to answer their small question" lacks clarity and precision, as it implies a generalization that may not hold true for all learners.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that accurately convey their intended meaning. For instance, rephrasing "bring to the problem" to "lead to the concern" would clarify the statement. Additionally, using clearer phrasing like "students might avoid reading extensively for minor inquiries" would enhance understanding.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally good level of spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors. However, the phrase "we can not deny" should be written as "we cannot deny," and "the widespread of studying through internet" should be corrected to "the widespread nature of studying through the internet." These errors indicate a need for careful proofreading to catch such mistakes.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should adopt a proofreading strategy that includes reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and phrases can help reduce errors in future writing.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will help elevate the Lexical Resource score. Focusing on these areas will not only enhance the overall quality of the writing but also contribute to a higher band score in the IELTS assessment.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the writer employs complex sentences, such as "While students in the physical classroom are fully concentrating on their lecture, the online learners may be more vulnerable to the distraction on the internet." This showcases an ability to connect ideas effectively. However, there are instances of simpler structures that could be enhanced. For example, phrases like "Schools require students to become strict" could be rephrased to include more complex grammatical forms.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more compound-complex sentences and use a mix of active and passive voice. For example, instead of stating "Students are given supervision from their teacher," the writer could say, "Teachers provide supervision to students, ensuring they remain focused and disciplined." Additionally, varying the placement of clauses within sentences can create more engaging and complex structures.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a fair level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors. For instance, the phrase "the accession to the internet" is awkward and could be better expressed as "access to the internet." Additionally, the sentence "the online learners may be more vulnerable to the distraction on the internet" contains a minor error in article usage; it should read "the distractions of the internet." Punctuation is generally correct, but there are areas where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "especially for individuals who do not have self-discipline."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on refining awkward phrases and ensuring correct article usage. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly focusing on common pitfalls, will be beneficial. For punctuation, the writer should review rules regarding comma usage, especially in complex sentences, to improve clarity and flow. Reading more academic texts could also help in understanding proper sentence construction and punctuation.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Recently, online learning has grown significantly due to advancements in technology and increased internet accessibility. The increased use of online learning may lead to the issue that schools are becoming redundant. From my perspective, I partially disagree with this notion.

Formal education brings numerous benefits to students. Schools require students to adhere to strict rules and schedules. Students are supervised by their teachers and may receive disciplinary actions to maintain organization. While students in a physical classroom are fully concentrating on their lectures, online learners may be more susceptible to distractions on the internet. For these reasons, schools remain important for the majority of students, especially for those who lack self-discipline.

On the other hand, it cannot be denied that studying through the internet offers learners easier access to a wide range of knowledge. The internet today allows users to access an influx of study resources. There are numerous websites offering diverse educational programs and accurate information, surpassing that provided by teachers in schools. Formal education, beyond what teachers and books can offer, may not provide the same breadth of information and knowledge as the internet, and students may not read extensively to answer even simple questions, potentially hindering their learning.

In conclusion, despite the widespread availability of online learning and its easier accessibility for learners, it is not suitable for various types of students, such as those who may struggle to focus. Formal education can effectively address this issue.