a celebrity you know

Amee is one of celebrity that I know she is a famous singer and actress Her Leal name is Tran was born in 2000 in Ha Noi. She became entertaiment company Debuting in đâu thế Huyen My, she a rainee at ST139 when she was 15 years old. early 2019 nith the song in collaboration with Anh nhà ở rapper B.Ray young jemal singer quickly achieved. the success when the song reached the top 2 trending position on Youtube after only two days of release. Since then her music products have received praise and love from the aduience. In 2020, Amee excellently won the Best New Artist award at the Mnet Asian Awards. In addition, she also challenged hersely with the role of the movie * Thiên thần hộ mệnh” directed by Victor Vie. – Amee is my biggest idol not only because he has a sineet, dear, lear, lovely voice but also because she is very bind, hardworking and…

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Errors and Improvements:

"celebrity" -> "celebrities"
Explanation: The word "celebrity" should be in the plural form "celebrities" to refer to more than one famous individual, aligning with standard English grammar.
"Her Leal name is Tran" -> "Her real name is Tran"
Explanation: "Leal" should be corrected to "real" for accuracy. "Real" refers to the actual or true name of Amee.
"Debuting in đâu thế Huyen My" -> "Making her debut in đâu thế Huyen My"
Explanation: To enhance clarity and correct grammar, "Debuting" should be changed to "Making her debut," indicating her entry into the entertainment industry.
"she a rainee at ST139" -> "she was a trainee at ST139"
Explanation: "a rainee" should be corrected to "was a trainee" for proper past tense usage.
"early 2019 nith the song in collaboration with Anh nhà ở rapper B.Ray young jemal singer quickly achieved" -> "In early 2019, with a song in collaboration with rapper B.Ray, the young female singer quickly achieved"
Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity. The revised version corrects the structure and specifies the collaboration with rapper B.Ray.
"the success when the song reached the top 2 trending position on Youtube after only two days of release" -> "her success when the song reached the number 2 trending position on YouTube within two days of its release"
Explanation: The sentence is clarified and grammatically improved for better academic style and formality.
"Since then her music products have received praise and love from the aduience." -> "Since then, her music has received praise and love from the audience."
Explanation: "music products" should be replaced with "music" for clearer and more appropriate language in an academic context.
"excellently won the Best New Artist award" -> "won the Best New Artist award excellently"
Explanation: Placing the adverb "excellently" before the verb "won" enhances the sentence structure.
"she also challenged hersely with the role of the movie Thiên thần hộ mệnh” directed by Victor Vie" -> "she also challenged herself with a role in the movie Thiên thần hộ mệnh*, directed by Victor Vie"
Explanation: Corrected spelling and grammar make the sentence more polished and suitable for academic writing.
"Amee is my biggest idol not only because he has a sineet, dear, lear, lovely voice but also because she is very bind, hardworking and…" -> "Amee is my biggest idol not only because she has a sincere, clear, lovely voice, but also because she is very kind, hardworking, and…"
Explanation: Corrected spelling and grammar enhance clarity and academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Task Response: 4 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to discuss a celebrity known to the writer, focusing on Amee, a singer and actress. It briefly mentions her background, achievements, and personal qualities. However, the response falls short of fully addressing all parts of the question. While it introduces Amee and highlights some of her accomplishments, it lacks depth and coherence in discussing her as a celebrity. There is also a lack of clarity in the expression, making it challenging to discern the writer’s intention fully.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure a comprehensive discussion of the chosen celebrity. Provide more specific details about Amee’s career, impact, and significance as a celebrity. Organize the information in a coherent manner, possibly starting with an introduction of Amee, followed by a discussion of her achievements, influence, and personal qualities. Additionally, focus on clarity of expression to facilitate better understanding for the reader.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present Amee as the writer’s idol, highlighting her talent, work ethic, and personal attributes. However, the clarity of the position is compromised due to linguistic errors and lack of cohesion in the presentation. While the writer expresses admiration for Amee, the message is obscured by grammatical mistakes and unclear phrasing.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, strive for clarity and coherence in expression. Use grammatically correct sentences and ensure smooth transitions between ideas. Clearly articulate the reasons for admiring Amee, providing specific examples or anecdotes to support the position. Additionally, consider organizing the essay logically to enhance the clarity of the message.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present ideas about Amee’s career and personal qualities, such as her talent, hard work, and achievements. However, the ideas are presented in a fragmented manner, lacking coherence and depth. While some aspects of Amee’s career are briefly mentioned, there is limited elaboration or analysis to extend and support these ideas effectively.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, strive for coherence and depth in the discussion. Provide more detailed explanations and examples to illustrate Amee’s talent, achievements, and personal qualities. Consider discussing specific songs, performances, or projects to showcase her impact and contributions to the entertainment industry. Additionally, ensure that ideas are logically connected and supported with evidence or reasoning to strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay loosely stays on the topic of discussing a known celebrity, focusing on Amee’s career and personal qualities. However, there are deviations from the topic due to grammatical errors, unclear phrasing, and lack of coherence. These deviations hinder the overall focus and relevance of the essay.
- How to improve: To stay on topic more effectively, focus on organizing the essay around the central theme of discussing Amee as a celebrity. Avoid unnecessary details or tangential information that detract from the main subject. Use clear and concise language to maintain coherence and relevance throughout the essay. Additionally, review and revise the essay for grammatical accuracy and clarity of expression to enhance overall coherence and focus.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear organizational structure, leading to disjointed presentation of information. The information about Amee’s background, career milestones, and personal attributes is scattered throughout the essay without a coherent progression. For instance, it jumps from discussing her debut to her success with a song collaboration, then to her achievements in 2020, without establishing a logical sequence.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow and structure of the essay, consider organizing the information chronologically or thematically. Begin with a brief introduction of Amee, followed by sections dedicated to her background, career achievements, and personal qualities. Each section should transition smoothly into the next, creating a cohesive narrative for the reader to follow.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks clear paragraph breaks, resulting in a dense block of text that is challenging to read. Without distinct paragraphs, it is difficult for the reader to identify different ideas or topics within the essay.
- How to improve: Utilize paragraphs to separate distinct ideas or aspects of Amee’s life and career. For example, one paragraph could focus on her early life and entry into the entertainment industry, another on her career milestones, and another on her personal qualities and impact. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and provides supporting details to reinforce the main idea.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks cohesive devices that would help connect ideas and improve overall coherence. There is limited use of transitional phrases or linking words to signal relationships between sentences or paragraphs. As a result, the essay feels disjointed and lacks smooth transitions.
- How to improve: Incorporate a variety of cohesive devices such as conjunctions (e.g., however, therefore, consequently), transitional phrases (e.g., in addition, moreover, on the other hand), and pronouns (e.g., she, her, it) to establish connections between ideas and improve coherence. Use these devices to guide the reader through the essay and clarify the relationships between different pieces of information. Additionally, consider using parallel structure and repetition to reinforce key points and create a sense of cohesion throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some attempts at using a variety of vocabulary, but there are noticeable errors and inaccuracies that hinder clarity and coherence. For instance, there are misspellings and instances of inaccurate word choice, such as "Leal" instead of "real," "entertaiment" instead of "entertainment," "debuting" instead of "debuted," and "rainee" instead of "trainee." These errors detract from the overall quality of the vocabulary usage.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, it’s crucial to focus on accuracy and precision. Reviewing spelling and ensuring correct word usage through proofreading and vocabulary expansion exercises can be beneficial. Additionally, incorporating more varied and sophisticated vocabulary relevant to the topic can elevate the quality of expression.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks precision in vocabulary usage, as evidenced by misspelled words ("Leal" instead of "real"), improper word choices ("bind" instead of "kind" or "warm-hearted"), and awkward phrasing ("she is very bind"). These instances impede the clarity and effectiveness of communication.
- How to improve: Precision in vocabulary usage can be improved through careful proofreading, consulting dictionaries or thesauruses for accurate word meanings, and practicing sentence construction. Revising sentences to ensure that words convey intended meanings accurately and effectively is essential. Additionally, expanding vocabulary through reading diverse materials and actively learning new words can contribute to more precise expression.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates several spelling errors throughout, such as "Leal" instead of "real," "entertaiment" instead of "entertainment," "rainee" instead of "trainee," and "sineet" instead of "sincere." These errors detract from the overall coherence and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: Improving spelling accuracy requires consistent practice and attention to detail. Utilizing spell-check tools and proofreading thoroughly before submission can help identify and correct spelling errors. Additionally, focusing on common spelling patterns and practicing spelling through exercises or quizzes can aid in enhancing spelling proficiency. Developing a habit of double-checking spelling in written work can also prevent errors from occurring.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 3

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 3

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to vary sentence structures, but the execution is hindered by frequent errors and lack of clarity. There is some use of complex sentences alongside simpler constructions, but these are often grammatically incorrect or poorly formed. For example, "She became entertaiment company Debuting in đâu thế Huyen My" lacks clarity and correct structure. There are instances of incomplete or run-on sentences which affect coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and coherence, focus on constructing clear and complete sentences. Introduce a wider variety of sentence structures, including compound and complex sentences. Practice using transitional phrases to connect ideas effectively. Review basic grammar rules to strengthen sentence construction skills.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay suffers from numerous grammatical errors and lacks consistent punctuation. Examples include missing articles ("a" before "celebrity"), incorrect verb forms ("Her Leal name is Tran"), and inconsistent capitalization ("entertaiment company"). Punctuation is frequently omitted or misused, affecting the clarity and readability of the text.
- How to improve: Strengthen grammatical accuracy by reviewing basic grammar rules, particularly focusing on verb forms, articles, and subject-verb agreement. Practice using punctuation correctly, including commas, periods, and capitalization. Proofread carefully to identify and correct errors before finalizing written work. Consider seeking feedback from others to catch mistakes that may have been overlooked.

Bài sửa mẫu

Amee is a celebrity whom I admire greatly. She is a renowned singer and actress, known by her real name, Tran, born in 2000 in Hanoi. Making her debut in đâu thế Huyen My, she started as a trainee at ST139 when she was just 15 years old. In early 2019, with a song in collaboration with rapper B.Ray, the young female singer quickly achieved success when the song reached the number 2 trending position on YouTube within two days of its release. Since then, her music has received praise and love from the audience. In 2020, Amee won the Best New Artist award excellently at the Mnet Asian Awards. Additionally, she also challenged herself with a role in the movie *Thiên thần hộ mệnh,* directed by Victor Vie. Amee is my biggest idol not only because she has a sincere, clear, lovely voice, but also because she is very kind, hardworking, and…