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A lot of old people are suffering from loneliness these days. They also lack physical fitness. What do you think are the reasons for this problem? Can you think of possible solutions?

A lot of old people are suffering from loneliness these days. They also lack physical fitness. What do you think are the reasons for this problem? Can you think of possible solutions?

It is thought that nowadays many elderly people are dealing with feelings of isolation and the lack of physical toughness. Although there will undoubtedly be some negative consequences of this trend, there are some measures that can be adopted to mitigate these potential problems.

The loneliness of old people may be produced by some adverse reasons. Most people tend to limit their social interactions when they get older. They want to create a balance between maintaining a social life and working on their self-development because they are aware that they do not have much time left to live. Certain surveys, for instance, highlight that elderly individuals in Vietnam prefer a limited social circle, believing that a smaller network facilitates the allocation of time for personal pursuits, thereby enhancing genuine relationships and overall health. A solution that can be adopted to tackle this problem is creating more opportunities for them to share their life with friends of the same age to change their thinking. In Japan, several volunteer organizations have successfully organized programs to connect lonely elderly people and build homes for them so that the elderly can be cared for by nurses. Consequently, it has brought a certain effect when it has helped reduce the number of cases of lonely death.

Concerning the factors contributing to the diminished physical fitness of the elderly, some individuals may refrain from exercise or physical activities due to apprehensions about falls or injuries that could impact their health. Because of the worries they have, older people think it is safer to spend their time indoors and they often do some activities that are considered unhealthy just for fun such as spending all day watching TV older people do not exercise much and gradually, they will lose the ability to move and function flexibly. Many elderly individuals have paralyzed legs just because they rely too much on sitting in chairs instead of standing up and moving and they will have to depend on crutches for the rest of their lives. A potential remedy to address this issue involves offering additional physical activities under the supervision of experts to mitigate the risk of injury among the elderly. For instance, organizations working for the elderly can organize sports competitions specifically for the elderly to encourage them to actively participate in more sports activities to improve their physical health.

In conclusion, the feelings of isolation and the lack of physical toughness can be ascribed to the demand to limit old people’s social interactions and the fear of exercise can cause injuries. Strong measures including creating more opportunities for them to connect with friends of the same age and providing more activities with experts should be implemented to tackle this situation.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "dealing with feelings of isolation and the lack of physical toughness" -> "experiencing social isolation and diminished physical resilience"
    Explanation: "Dealing with feelings" is a bit colloquial for an academic context. "Experiencing social isolation" and "diminished physical resilience" offer a more formal and precise description of the challenges faced by elderly individuals.

  2. "there will undoubtedly be some negative consequences of this trend" -> "this trend is likely to have adverse outcomes"
    Explanation: While "undoubtedly" may sound overly assertive, a more tentative expression like "likely to have adverse outcomes" maintains the academic tone by avoiding absolute certainty.

  3. "may be produced by some adverse reasons" -> "could result from various adverse factors"
    Explanation: "Produced by some adverse reasons" is vague and less formal. "Could result from various adverse factors" is clearer and aligns better with academic language.

  4. "certain surveys, for instance, highlight" -> "specific surveys, for example, indicate"
    Explanation: Using "certain" isn’t as precise as "specific" in academic writing. "For example" is more formal than "for instance," and "indicate" is a more direct term compared to "highlight."

  5. "A solution that can be adopted to tackle this problem" -> "One approach to address this issue"
    Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat informal. "One approach to address this issue" maintains formality and clarity.

  6. "so that the elderly can be cared for by nurses" -> "to facilitate care by nurses for the elderly"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence maintains formality and clarity by rearranging the phrasing.

  7. "it has brought a certain effect when it has helped reduce the number of cases of lonely death" -> "it has yielded positive outcomes by reducing instances of solitary deaths"
    Explanation: "Brought a certain effect" is vague and informal. "Yielded positive outcomes" is more precise and academic. "Lonely death" is not a commonly used term in formal writing.

  8. "Concerning the factors contributing to the diminished physical fitness of the elderly" -> "Regarding the factors contributing to elderly individuals’ declining physical fitness"
    Explanation: Replacing "concerning" with "regarding" and rephrasing the sentence enhances the formality and clarity of the statement.

  9. "older people think it is safer to spend their time indoors and they often do some activities that are considered unhealthy just for fun such as spending all day watching TV older people do not exercise much" -> "Elderly individuals often perceive indoor activities as safer, engaging in sedentary behaviors like prolonged television viewing rather than regular exercise."
    Explanation: The original sentence lacks precision and contains fragmented ideas. The revised sentence maintains coherence and formality.

  10. "Many elderly individuals have paralyzed legs just because they rely too much on sitting in chairs instead of standing up" -> "Prolonged sitting leading to leg paralysis is observed in many elderly individuals due to excessive reliance on chairs rather than engaging in physical movement."
    Explanation: The revised version clarifies the causality and presents the information in a more formal manner.

  11. "they will have to depend on crutches for the rest of their lives" -> "resulting in a lifelong dependence on crutches"
    Explanation: This rephrasing maintains formality and succinctly expresses the lifelong consequence without sounding speculative.

  12. "A potential remedy" -> "One potential remedy"
    Explanation: Adding "One" adds specificity and formalizes the suggestion in line with academic tone.

  13. "activities with experts should be implemented to tackle this situation" -> "engaging in expert-guided activities should be adopted to address this issue"
    Explanation: The revised phrase is more formal and precise in conveying the proposed solution while maintaining academic tone and clarity.

In conclusion, the revised essay adopts more formal and precise language, enhancing its suitability for an academic context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the various components of the prompt. It delves into the reasons for the loneliness and lack of physical fitness among the elderly, citing social limitations and fear of exercise as primary reasons.
    • How to improve: To further enhance this section, ensure a more direct and explicit link between the solutions proposed and the identified problems. Emphasize the direct correlation between the solutions and the issues discussed in each paragraph.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance throughout, asserting that social limitations and fear of exercise contribute to the mentioned problems faced by the elderly.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the clarity of the position by explicitly stating at the outset the essay’s intention to discuss these specific issues faced by the elderly. This will offer a clearer roadmap for the reader, reinforcing the consistent stance throughout the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the causes of elderly loneliness and physical decline. It supports these ideas with examples, referencing specific instances like social circle preferences in Vietnam and volunteer programs in Japan.
    • How to improve: Expand on the depth of analysis by providing a more comprehensive exploration of each idea. Further substantiate with additional real-life examples or statistics to strengthen the argument’s credibility.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, addressing the causes of loneliness and physical decline among the elderly.
    • How to improve: Refine focus by avoiding slight digressions, such as the mention of unhealthy activities like excessive TV watching. Ensure every point discussed directly aligns with the core theme of loneliness and physical decline among the elderly.

General Suggestions for Improvement:

  1. Structural Clarity: Consider a clearer structural organization for the essay. Segment the content into distinct paragraphs, each devoted to addressing a particular cause or solution. This will enhance readability and coherence.

  2. Specificity and Detail: Provide more specific and detailed examples supporting the arguments presented. Real-life instances, statistics, or case studies could bolster the credibility of the essay’s claims.

  3. Language and Clarity: Refine language use and sentence structures for precision and clarity. Some sentences are lengthy and could be divided for better readability and comprehension.

  4. Synthesis of Ideas: Strengthen the synthesis of ideas by explicitly connecting the proposed solutions to the identified problems. Ensure that each solution aligns directly with the issues discussed in the preceding paragraphs.

  5. Conclusion: Consider a more impactful conclusion that not only summarizes the main points but also reinforces the relationship between the problems and the proposed solutions.

By refining these aspects, the essay can elevate its coherence, depth, and persuasive power, thereby potentially securing an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of logical organization. The introduction sets the stage by addressing the issue of loneliness and physical fitness among the elderly. The body paragraphs delve into the reasons behind these problems and propose solutions. However, there is room for improvement in the flow of ideas. For instance, the transition between discussing loneliness and physical fitness could be smoother, ensuring a more seamless progression of thought.

    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining the transition between ideas. Ensure that each paragraph smoothly connects to the next, creating a coherent and logical progression. It might be helpful to provide a brief roadmap in the introduction to guide the reader through the essay’s structure.

  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to structure the content. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the issue, whether it’s the causes of loneliness or solutions to physical fitness problems. However, some paragraphs could be more developed, particularly the second paragraph, which introduces reasons for loneliness. A more balanced distribution of information across paragraphs could improve the overall structure.

    • How to improve: Consider expanding on the second paragraph to provide more depth to the discussion on loneliness. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a unified theme, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.

  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices to some extent, such as transitional phrases ("In conclusion," "Concerning the factors," "For instance"). However, there is an opportunity to diversify the use of cohesive devices further. While there is coherence within paragraphs, stronger connections between paragraphs could be established for a more seamless flow.

    • How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, such as pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional adverbs, to strengthen the connections between sentences and paragraphs. This will contribute to a smoother flow of ideas and enhance overall coherence.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, but there is room for improvement in the logical organization of ideas, paragraph development, and the diversification of cohesive devices. Focus on refining transitions between paragraphs and within sentences to create a more fluid and logically connected essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While it includes some varied vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of diversity and sophistication. For example, there is a repetitive use of certain terms such as "elderly people" and "old people" that could be substituted with more nuanced expressions.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider using synonyms and exploring more sophisticated terms. For instance, instead of consistently using "elderly people," you could incorporate alternatives like "senior citizens," "aged individuals," or "the elderly population." This not only adds variety but also elevates the overall lexical richness of the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is generally adequate, but there are instances where more precise terms could be employed. For instance, the phrase "physical toughness" might benefit from a more specific descriptor, such as "physical resilience" or "vitality."
    • How to improve: To achieve greater precision, consider selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. For example, instead of using a broad term like "physical toughness," opt for a more specific term that aligns closely with the context, such as "physical well-being" or "robust health."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling is generally accurate throughout the essay. However, there are a few minor errors, such as "they often do some activities that are considered unhealthy just for fun" where "do" might be more appropriately replaced with "engage in" for a more formal tone. Additionally, attention to detail, such as spacing ("elderly people" vs. "elderlypeople"), could enhance overall spelling accuracy.
    • How to improve: Proofread the essay carefully to catch minor errors in spelling and grammar. Additionally, consider using more formal language constructions, like "engage in," to elevate the overall tone of the essay. Paying attention to spacing between words will contribute to a polished and professional appearance.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates competence in vocabulary usage, there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and meticulous attention to spelling and language nuances. Employing a more diverse range of vocabulary, selecting words with precision, and refining spelling details will contribute to an even stronger and more refined lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. While there is a mix of sentence types, including simple and compound structures, there is room for improvement in incorporating more complex sentence structures (e.g., complex sentences with subordinate clauses) to enhance overall variety and sophistication.
    • How to improve: To elevate the grammatical range, consider integrating more complex sentence structures. For instance, instead of relying solely on simple sentences, experiment with compound-complex structures to convey ideas with nuance and depth.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of minor errors. For example, in the phrase "the fear of exercise can cause injuries," the preposition "of" could be replaced with "from" for greater accuracy. Additionally, the use of articles (e.g., "the demand to limit old people’s social interactions") is occasionally imprecise.
    • How to improve: Pay meticulous attention to prepositions and articles. Reviewing and revising these aspects will enhance overall grammatical accuracy. Utilize articles appropriately to specify or generalize, and ensure prepositions accurately convey the intended relationships between words.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs correct punctuation, but there are instances where improvements can be made. For instance, the comma placement in the sentence "Because of the worries they have, older people think it is safer to spend their time indoors" could be refined for better clarity.
    • How to improve: Focus on refining punctuation for improved clarity and flow. Pay particular attention to comma usage, ensuring they are appropriately placed to aid comprehension without causing ambiguity. Consider the natural pauses in sentences and use commas judiciously to reflect these pauses.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates competency in grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for refinement. To achieve a higher band score, incorporate a wider array of sentence structures, pay meticulous attention to prepositions and articles for grammatical accuracy, and refine punctuation for enhanced clarity. These adjustments will contribute to a more sophisticated and polished essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is observed that in contemporary times, a considerable number of elderly individuals are experiencing social isolation and diminished physical resilience. While this trend is likely to have adverse outcomes, there are potential solutions that can be explored to address these challenges.

The feelings of loneliness among the elderly can be attributed to various adverse factors. As people age, they tend to curtail their social interactions, aiming to strike a balance between maintaining a social life and dedicating time to self-development. This is often driven by a heightened awareness of the limited time they have left. Specific surveys, for example, indicate that elderly individuals in Vietnam prefer a smaller social circle, believing it allows them to allocate more time for personal pursuits, fostering genuine relationships, and enhancing overall health. To address this issue, one approach involves creating more opportunities for them to share their lives with peers of the same age, challenging their perception of limited social circles. In Japan, successful initiatives by volunteer organizations have connected lonely elderly individuals, providing care by nurses and reducing instances of solitary deaths.

Regarding the factors contributing to elderly individuals’ declining physical fitness, there is a tendency for them to avoid exercise due to concerns about falls or injuries impacting their health. Elderly individuals often perceive indoor activities as safer, engaging in sedentary behaviors like prolonged television viewing rather than regular exercise. Prolonged sitting leading to leg paralysis is observed in many elderly individuals due to excessive reliance on chairs rather than engaging in physical movement, resulting in a lifelong dependence on crutches. One potential remedy to address this issue is adopting expert-guided activities. Engaging in such activities has yielded positive outcomes, mitigating the risk of injury among the elderly. For instance, organizations dedicated to the well-being of the elderly can organize sports competitions tailored for them, encouraging active participation in physical activities to improve their overall physical health.

In conclusion, the prevalent feelings of social isolation and diminished physical resilience among the elderly can be attributed to the inclination to limit social interactions and concerns about exercise-related injuries. Implementing measures such as creating opportunities for social connection and introducing expert-guided activities is crucial to addressing this situation effectively.

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