A number of teenagers today spend much of their summer vacation doing part-time jobs. Do you think
that its benefits outweigh its drawbacks?
In about 250 words, write an essay to express your idea. Use specific details and examples to support
The summer vacation period is generally perceived as a time of respite, merriment, and liberation
from academic stress for most adolescents. Nonetheless, a significant number of teenagers elect to
spend their break by engaging in part-time employment. While it might be contended that such a
practice has its drawbacks, I assert that its benefits outweigh them.
Primarily, a part-time job furnishes teenagers with invaluable vocational experience. It confers upon
them the awareness of the duties and responsibilities that are an integral part of employment, such as
punctuality, collaboration, and innovative problem-solving, which can be applied to other facets of
their lives, including academic pursuits and future careers. Furthermore, work provides an opportunity
for teenagers to cultivate a robust work ethic and foster self-assurance.
Secondly, part-time employment proffers teenagers the chance to accrue financial gain and learn about
fiscal prudence. Earning their own income can educate them about budgeting, saving, and the
significance of diligence. They can utilize their earnings to defray school-related expenses, save for
future goals, or contribute to their family's financial well-being.
Furthermore, partaking in a part-time job during the summer vacation can assist teenagers in
cultivating time-management skills. Juggling work, school, and social activities may prove
challenging, but it teaches teenagers how to prioritize and manage their time efficaciously. This skill
is indispensable for success in all areas of life, including future careers.
However, some may argue that part-time work during summer vacation can encroach upon leisure
time and curtail opportunities for social interaction. While it is vital for teenagers to relish their
summer break, a part-time job can, in fact, enhance their social acumen by providing an avenue to
interact with a diverse range of people. Additionally, part-time employment during the summer does not necessarily entail the complete surrender of leisure time, as teenagers can still partake in enjoyable
activities while balancing their work
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"merriment" -> "recreation"
Explanation: Substituting "merriment" with "recreation" maintains the formal tone while avoiding a slightly informal and dated term.
"Nonetheless" -> "Nevertheless"
Explanation: Replacing "Nonetheless" with "Nevertheless" is a more formal alternative that aligns better with academic writing conventions.
"elect to spend" -> "choose to allocate"
Explanation: Changing "elect to spend" to "choose to allocate" introduces a more formal and precise phrase, contributing to the overall academic tone.
"might be contended" -> "could be argued"
Explanation: Replacing "might be contended" with "could be argued" enhances formality and clarity, adhering to academic style.
"its drawbacks" -> "its disadvantages"
Explanation: Substituting "drawbacks" with "disadvantages" is a more formal and precise choice in academic writing.
"assert" -> "argue"
Explanation: The term "argue" is a more suitable and formal alternative to "assert" in this context, aligning with academic language norms.
"furnishes" -> "provides"
Explanation: Changing "furnishes" to "provides" is a more straightforward and commonly used term, enhancing the clarity of the sentence.
"robust work ethic" -> "strong work ethic"
Explanation: Simplifying "robust work ethic" to "strong work ethic" maintains formality while eliminating redundancy.
"proffers" -> "offers"
Explanation: Replacing "proffers" with "offers" maintains the formality of the sentence while using a more widely recognized term.
"accrue financial gain" -> "accumulate financial resources"
Explanation: Substituting "accrue financial gain" with "accumulate financial resources" introduces a more formal and precise expression.
"fiscal prudence" -> "financial prudence"
Explanation: Changing "fiscal prudence" to "financial prudence" is a more conventional and accurate term in academic writing.
"defray" -> "cover"
Explanation: Replacing "defray" with "cover" simplifies the language without sacrificing formality, improving overall readability.
"partaking" -> "engaging in"
Explanation: Using "engaging in" instead of "partaking" contributes to a more formal and precise expression.
"may prove challenging" -> "can be challenging"
Explanation: Changing "may prove challenging" to "can be challenging" simplifies the expression without compromising formality.
"social acumen" -> "social skills"
Explanation: Substituting "social acumen" with "social skills" is a more common and straightforward choice in academic writing.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score: 8.0
Quoted text: "While it might be contended that such a practice has its drawbacks, I assert that its benefits outweigh them."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your introduction effectively states your position on the topic, which is commendable. However, it would be beneficial to provide a brief roadmap of the main benefits and drawbacks you will discuss in the essay. This would enhance the overall clarity and structure of your essay, making it easier for readers to follow your argument.
- Improved example: "While it might be contended that engaging in part-time employment during summer vacation has its drawbacks, including potential impacts on leisure time, I assert that the benefits, such as vocational experience and financial gain, significantly outweigh these concerns."
Quoted text: "Primarily, a part-time job furnishes teenagers with invaluable vocational experience."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your argument for vocational experience is well-developed and aligned with the prompt. However, to enhance depth, consider providing a specific example from your own knowledge or experience. For instance, you could share a personal anecdote about how a part-time job helped you develop practical skills applicable in other aspects of life.
- Improved example: "Primarily, a part-time job furnishes teenagers with invaluable vocational experience. For instance, during my own part-time job at a local bookstore, I honed essential skills such as time management and customer service, which later proved beneficial in my academic pursuits."
Quoted text: "Furthermore, partaking in a part-time job during the summer vacation can assist teenagers in cultivating time-management skills."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your point on time-management skills is well-made. To strengthen your argument, provide a more detailed example from your experience or observations that illustrates how juggling work, school, and social activities has contributed to effective time management.
- Improved example: "Furthermore, partaking in a part-time job during the summer vacation can assist teenagers in cultivating time-management skills. For instance, when I worked as a lifeguard while balancing school commitments, I learned to prioritize tasks effectively, a skill that has proven invaluable in my academic and personal life."
Overall, your essay effectively addresses the prompt, presents a clear position, and supports ideas with relevant examples. The suggested improvements aim to enhance the depth and specificity of your examples for a more impactful essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay logically organizes information and ideas with clear progression throughout. There is a range of cohesive devices used appropriately, although there is a slight overuse of some. The central topic within each paragraph is generally clear. Paragraphing is done sufficiently and is mostly appropriate.
How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should be mindful of the slightly overused cohesive devices. While a range of such devices is encouraged, it’s essential to ensure they do not distract the reader. Additionally, a more consistent and strategic use of paragraphing can further improve the overall organization of the essay. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a specific idea or argument, contributing to the overall flow and coherence of the response.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8
Band Score: 8.0
The essay demonstrates a commendable command of vocabulary, meeting the criteria for Band 8. The writer employs a varied and sophisticated range of vocabulary, showcasing fluency and flexibility in conveying precise meanings. Uncommon lexical items are skillfully used, contributing to the overall richness of expression. While there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, they are minor and can be considered as ‘slips.’ The writer maintains a high level of control over lexical features throughout the essay.
How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource further and move closer to a Band 9, the writer should aim for even greater precision in word choice and collocation. While the essay already demonstrates a sophisticated vocabulary, careful attention to selecting the most fitting words and ensuring flawless collocation can help minimize the occurrence of occasional inaccuracies. Additionally, diversifying sentence structures and exploring more nuanced expressions can contribute to a more nuanced and refined lexical presentation.
Note: The essay effectively addresses the prompt, provides specific details and examples to support the argument, and demonstrates a high level of coherence and cohesion. The focus here is solely on the lexical resource criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8
Band Score: 8.0
The essay demonstrates a commendable command of grammatical structures with a wide range of sentence forms, contributing to a flexible and accurate use of language. The majority of sentences are error-free, and any errors that do occur are rare and can be considered minor ‘slips.’ The essay employs complex structures effectively, showcasing a strong grasp of grammar and punctuation. The language use is precise and contributes to a sophisticated overall presentation.
How to improve:
To further enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, consider incorporating a more diverse vocabulary to elevate the lexical complexity of the essay. Additionally, pay careful attention to transitions between ideas to ensure the seamless flow of the essay. Although the essay is well-structured and coherent, subtle improvements in transitions can contribute to an even more polished and cohesive piece of writing. Keep refining sentence structures and continue practicing the balance between complexity and clarity. Overall, the essay is already at a high proficiency level, and these suggestions are meant to fine-tune and elevate the writing even further.
Bài sửa mẫu
The summer vacation is usually seen as a time for relaxation, fun, and relief from school pressure for many young people. However, a considerable number of teenagers opt to spend this time working part-time. Although some may argue that this choice has drawbacks, I firmly believe that its advantages outweigh them.
Firstly, taking on a part-time job gives teenagers valuable work experience. It helps them understand the responsibilities of a job, like being punctual, working in teams, and finding creative solutions to problems. These skills are transferable to other aspects of their lives, such as academics and future careers. Moreover, working helps them build a strong work ethic and boosts their confidence.
Secondly, part-time jobs enable teenagers to earn money and learn about managing finances. Earning their own income teaches them how to budget, save, and appreciate the value of hard work. They can use the money they earn for school expenses, save for future plans, or contribute to their family’s finances.
Furthermore, working part-time during the summer break can help teenagers develop time-management skills. Balancing work, school, and social life may be challenging, but it teaches them how to prioritize and manage their time effectively. These skills are crucial for success in various aspects of life, including future careers.
However, some argue that working during summer vacation takes away leisure time and limits social interactions. While it’s important for teenagers to enjoy their break, a part-time job can actually improve their social skills by allowing them to interact with diverse people. Additionally, working during summer doesn’t mean completely giving up leisure time, as teenagers can still participate in enjoyable activities while managing their work responsibilities.