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A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

The society has witnessed that people nowadays are considered depending on social position and property ownership, while valuable personality has been less crucial. Personally, I totally agree with this statement for reasons provided below.

To begin with, there are several reasons why social levels and wealth are becoming key factors to determine a person. Firstly, people these days may believe that the higher promotion is, the better they are. This is attributed to more competitive working environment that people have experienced, where employees always make abundant effort to climb the career ladder. Secondly, it is often said that money equals power, meaning that most affluent person are highly acknowledged than those living under poverty. Compared to the poor who tend to suffer financial burden every day, it is mostly believed that opulent people are able to cover bills in daily life for their loved ones.

To add further credence for my assertion, I would note another reason why valuable personality is disregarded in this day and age. The primary one is that more people are becoming cynical at the present, especially who incline to dismiss the importance of social organizations. This is because people have seen such campaigns working temporarily, and the real value to the community is strongly questioned. For example, CEO Dan Rathbourne argues that Socially Responsible Businesses are only passing fads without any sustainable contributions to society Therefore, it seems that the effort people make to contribute to the community is not appreciated anymore, leading to the fall of valuable personality.

In conclusion, the idea that people are now judged relying on social standing and material ownership rather than valuable personality is largely valid and thus should be accepted for the aforementioned reasons.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "people nowadays are considered depending on social position" -> "individuals nowadays are often assessed based on their social standing"
    Explanation: Replacing "people nowadays are considered depending on social position" with "individuals nowadays are often assessed based on their social standing" enhances the formality of the language and provides a more precise description of the evaluation process.

  2. "valuable personality has been less crucial" -> "personal qualities are given less significance"
    Explanation: Substituting "valuable personality has been less crucial" with "personal qualities are given less significance" maintains a formal tone and uses a more nuanced expression to convey the diminishing importance of personal characteristics.

  3. "To begin with, there are several reasons why social levels and wealth are becoming key factors" -> "Firstly, there are multiple reasons why social status and wealth have emerged as pivotal factors"
    Explanation: The suggested replacement, "Firstly, there are multiple reasons why social status and wealth have emerged as pivotal factors," adheres to a more formal structure and introduces the points in a clearer manner.

  4. "the higher promotion is, the better they are" -> "the higher the position, the more esteemed they are"
    Explanation: Substituting "the higher promotion is, the better they are" with "the higher the position, the more esteemed they are" employs a more formal and precise expression, avoiding casual language and enhancing clarity.

  5. "it is often said that money equals power" -> "there is a common belief that wealth equates to influence"
    Explanation: Changing "it is often said that money equals power" to "there is a common belief that wealth equates to influence" introduces a more formal phrasing and emphasizes the perception of wealth as a source of influence.

  6. "most affluent person are highly acknowledged than those living under poverty" -> "the affluent are generally more acknowledged than those living in poverty"
    Explanation: Adjusting "most affluent person are highly acknowledged than those living under poverty" to "the affluent are generally more acknowledged than those living in poverty" improves the grammar and formality of the sentence.

  7. "Compared to the poor who tend to suffer financial burden every day" -> "In contrast to individuals in poverty who consistently face financial hardships"
    Explanation: The replacement "In contrast to individuals in poverty who consistently face financial hardships" provides a more formal and detailed description, avoiding overly simplistic language.

  8. "more people are becoming cynical at the present" -> "an increasing number of individuals are becoming cynical nowadays"
    Explanation: Replacing "more people are becoming cynical at the present" with "an increasing number of individuals are becoming cynical nowadays" maintains formality and precision in expressing the idea of growing cynicism.

  9. "especially who incline to dismiss the importance of social organizations" -> "particularly those inclined to dismiss the significance of social institutions"
    Explanation: Substituting "especially who incline to dismiss the importance of social organizations" with "particularly those inclined to dismiss the significance of social institutions" introduces a more formal structure and enhances clarity.

  10. "Socially Responsible Businesses are only passing fads" -> "Businesses with social responsibility are often perceived as transient trends"
    Explanation: The replacement "Businesses with social responsibility are often perceived as transient trends" maintains formality while providing a more refined expression of the idea.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "The society has witnessed that people nowadays are considered depending on social position and property ownership, while valuable personality has been less crucial. Personally, I totally agree with this statement for reasons provided below."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction adequately states your position, aligning with the prompt. However, it lacks a brief overview of the main points to be discussed, which could enhance the essay’s structural clarity. Consider outlining the reasons briefly to provide a roadmap for the reader.
    • Improved example: "In contemporary society, social status and material possessions heavily influence how individuals are perceived, often overshadowing the significance of valuable personal traits. I strongly agree with this assertion, supported by the following reasons: the correlation between career advancement and social standing, the perceived power of wealth, and the skepticism surrounding community contributions."
  2. Quoted text: "To begin with, there are several reasons why social levels and wealth are becoming key factors to determine a person."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your transition into discussing reasons is effective, but it would be more persuasive to articulate these reasons with specific examples or anecdotes. This would add depth and credibility to your argument.
    • Improved example: "Primarily, the competitive nature of the contemporary professional landscape fuels the emphasis on social status. For instance, the corporate world often rewards individuals with promotions based on their perceived social standing and networking capabilities rather than solely on their competence."
  3. Quoted text: "This is attributed to more competitive working environment that people have experienced, where employees always make abundant effort to climb the career ladder."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While you touch upon the competitive working environment, expanding this point with additional details or personal experiences would reinforce your argument’s credibility and persuasiveness.
    • Improved example: "In today’s hypercompetitive job market, the incessant drive to ascend the career hierarchy pushes individuals to prioritize networking and social positioning over the development of personal virtues. For instance, in my own professional experience, I’ve witnessed colleagues bypassed for promotions despite exceptional skills due to their lack of social connections."

Overall, your essay adequately addresses the prompt with a clear position and attempts to develop reasons supporting your stance. Enhancing your points with specific examples and adding a concise overview of the arguments in the introduction could significantly improve the clarity and depth of your essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates some coherence and cohesion, allowing the reader to follow the writer’s train of thought. The introduction and conclusion provide a clear structure to the essay. Paragraphs are generally organized logically, with ideas flowing from one to the next. However, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat faulty, leading to moments of confusion. Additionally, there is a tendency for repetitive language use.

How to improve:

  1. Enhance Cohesive Devices: Ensure the proper use of cohesive devices within and between sentences to create smoother transitions. This could involve a more varied use of linking words and phrases to guide the reader through the essay.
  2. Avoid Repetition: Work on diversifying vocabulary to prevent unnecessary repetition. Synonyms and varied sentence structures can contribute to a more engaging and sophisticated writing style.
  3. Refine Paragraphing: While the essay generally uses paragraphs, there is room for improvement in logical paragraphing. Ensure each paragraph focuses on a distinct idea, contributing to a more organized structure.

Overall, maintaining clarity, refining cohesion, and diversifying language use will contribute to a more cohesive and coherent essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with attempts at using less common lexical items and an awareness of style and collocation. There are, however, occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation that slightly impact precision. The essay effectively communicates the reasons supporting the idea that social status and material possessions are more crucial in today’s society, providing examples and arguments to bolster the viewpoint.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource and move towards a higher band score, focus on minimizing errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation. Consider refining the use of less common lexical items to ensure accuracy. Additionally, strive for more nuanced expressions and varied vocabulary to further enhance the essay’s lexical sophistication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a commendable command of grammatical structures and accuracy, placing it within the Band 7 criteria. The writer employs a variety of complex structures, including subordinate clauses and compound sentences. Most sentences are error-free, contributing to effective communication. However, there are a few instances of minor errors and awkward phrasing that slightly affect the fluency and precision of expression. Despite these errors, they do not significantly impede understanding and are better categorized as ‘slips.’

How to improve:
To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy further, the writer should focus on eliminating the occasional errors and refining sentence structures. Careful proofreading can help identify and rectify awkward phrasing, ensuring a smoother flow of ideas. Additionally, paying attention to punctuation, especially in complex sentences, will contribute to greater clarity and coherence. Striving for precision in expression and avoiding minor slips will elevate the essay to a Band 8 level.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, individuals are often evaluated based on their social standing and material possessions, with personal qualities seeming to carry less significance. I completely agree with this viewpoint, and the following reasons support my agreement.

Firstly, there are multiple reasons why social status and wealth have emerged as pivotal factors in assessing a person’s worth. In today’s highly competitive work environment, there is a prevailing belief that the higher one’s position, the more esteemed they are. This stems from the relentless efforts employees exert to ascend the career ladder. Additionally, a common perception is that wealth equates to influence, leading to the acknowledgment of the affluent over those living in poverty. While individuals facing financial hardships in poverty are burdened daily, it is widely believed that affluent individuals can comfortably manage their daily expenses, providing for their loved ones.

To add further support to my stance, another reason why valuable personality is often disregarded in the present era is the growing cynicism among people, especially those inclined to dismiss the significance of social institutions. This skepticism arises from the perception that socially responsible businesses are viewed as transient trends, lacking sustainable contributions to society. CEO Dan Rathbourne, for instance, argues that such businesses are short-lived phenomena without lasting value. Consequently, the efforts individuals make to contribute to the community are no longer as appreciated, contributing to the diminishing importance of valuable personality.

In conclusion, the assertion that people are now predominantly judged based on social standing and material ownership, rather than on valuable personality, holds considerable validity. This shift in societal values should be acknowledged and accepted, considering the competitive work environment and the increasing skepticism towards the significance of social initiatives.

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