Advances in technology and automation have reduced the need for manual labour. Therefore, working hours should be reduced. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Advances in technology and automation have reduced the need for manual labour. Therefore, working hours should be reduced.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In this day and age, innovation and programmed play an important role in our life. In fact, almost factories or some food stores use robots to increase productivity and diminish workforces, leading to reduced working time of the workforce. Hence, I completely agree with the fact that working hours should be decreased.

In the first place, reducing working hours will enhance will enhance focus of manual labor forces and progress productivity. When workers have shorter hours, they are less likely to experience fatigue and exhaustion. With fewer hours to work, employees can maintain a high level of pay attention throughout their shift. This increased focus leads to better performance and higher quality work. Moreover, employees may focus on learning and utilizing new technologies and methodologies that can help them complete tasks more efficiently in less time.

Secondly, shorter working hours will improve health and well being. Fewer working hours allows manpower more time to recover from physical and mental strains of manual workers. Better health can contribute to higher energy levels and greater overall productivity. Furthermore, shorter working hours can reduce stress levels, which always lead to negative affect productivity and errors. When employees in lower stress levels are usually make them more motivated and full of energy for a working day.

To sum up, the computer era and innovation progress help people life become easier and better; therefore, you can see that shorter working hours are more benefits than restricts. As a result, we need to concentrate on positive side of this matter.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In this day and age" -> "In contemporary times"
   Explanation: "In this day and age" is a colloquial expression. "In contemporary times" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

2. "programmed play" -> "programmed plays a significant role"
   Explanation: "Programmed play" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Programmed plays a significant role" corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning.

3. "almost factories or some food stores" -> "many factories and some food establishments"
   Explanation: "Almost factories or some food stores" is awkward and imprecise. "Many factories and some food establishments" provides a clearer and more formal description.

4. "diminish workforces" -> "reduce the workforce"
   Explanation: "Diminish workforces" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Reduce the workforce" is grammatically correct and more precise.

5. "Hence, I completely agree" -> "Therefore, I strongly agree"
   Explanation: "Hence" is somewhat informal and less precise than "Therefore," which is more commonly used in formal academic writing. "Strongly agree" is also more emphatic and appropriate for academic tone.

6. "enhance will enhance" -> "enhance"
   Explanation: The repetition of "enhance" is unnecessary and awkward. Removing the second instance of "enhance" simplifies and clarifies the sentence.

7. "manual labor forces" -> "manual laborers"
   Explanation: "Manual labor forces" is incorrect as "forces" is not the correct term. "Manual laborers" is the correct term.

8. "less likely to experience fatigue and exhaustion" -> "less susceptible to fatigue and exhaustion"
   Explanation: "Less likely to experience" is a bit informal and vague. "Less susceptible to" is more precise and formal.

9. "pay attention" -> "maintain their attention"
   Explanation: "Pay attention" is informal and somewhat vague. "Maintain their attention" is more formal and specific.

10. "always lead to negative affect" -> "always leads to a negative effect"
    Explanation: "Always lead" is grammatically incorrect as it should be "always leads" for subject-verb agreement. Also, "negative affect" is a misuse of the word "affect" which is a noun; "effect" is the correct noun form.

11. "you can see that shorter working hours are more benefits than restricts" -> "it is evident that shorter working hours offer more benefits than restrictions"
    Explanation: "You can see that" is too conversational and informal for academic writing. "It is evident that" is more formal and appropriate. Also, "more benefits than restricts" is grammatically incorrect; "more benefits than restrictions" corrects this.

12. "help people life become easier and better" -> "improve people’s lives"
    Explanation: "Help people life become easier and better" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Improve people’s lives" is grammatically correct and more concise.

13. "concentrate on positive side of this matter" -> "focus on the positive aspects of this issue"
    Explanation: "Concentrate on positive side of this matter" is informal and vague. "Focus on the positive aspects of this issue" is more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by agreeing with the statement that working hours should be reduced due to advances in technology and automation. The author provides reasons for this stance, such as increased productivity and improved health and well-being. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint, which would demonstrate a more balanced approach to the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should consider briefly discussing potential counterarguments, such as the impact of reduced hours on business operations or economic factors. This would provide a more comprehensive view of the topic and strengthen the overall argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The position of the essay is clear in its agreement with the reduction of working hours. The author consistently supports this position with relevant arguments throughout the essay. However, the phrasing in some areas, such as "you can see that shorter working hours are more benefits than restricts," could be clearer and more formal to maintain a professional tone.
  • How to improve: The writer should strive for clarity and formality in their language. Using precise vocabulary and avoiding informal phrases will help maintain a consistent and professional tone. For example, rephrasing to "shorter working hours offer more benefits than drawbacks" would enhance clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas supporting the reduction of working hours, such as enhanced focus and improved health. Each idea is somewhat developed, but there are instances where the arguments could be more thoroughly supported. For example, the claim that shorter hours lead to better performance could be strengthened with specific examples or data to illustrate the point.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should include specific examples, statistics, or studies that support their claims. This would not only substantiate their arguments but also demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the benefits of reducing working hours in the context of technological advancements. However, there are moments where the language becomes vague or slightly off-topic, such as "the computer era and innovation progress help people life become easier and better," which could confuse the reader regarding the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every sentence contributes directly to the main argument. Avoiding vague language and ensuring that each point is directly tied to the prompt will help keep the essay on track. Additionally, a clearer conclusion that reiterates the main points without introducing new ideas would enhance coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, there are areas for improvement in terms of depth, clarity, and formal tone. By addressing these aspects, the writer can enhance their score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of reducing working hours due to advancements in technology and automation. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the two main body paragraphs each focus on a distinct reason supporting the thesis. However, the logical flow could be improved; for instance, the transition from the introduction to the first body paragraph could be smoother. The phrase "In the first place" is somewhat abrupt and could benefit from a more fluid connection to the preceding sentence.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that connect ideas more seamlessly. For example, instead of "In the first place," you might say, "One significant benefit of reducing working hours is that it enhances the focus of manual labor forces." Additionally, ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the thesis statement, reinforcing the central argument throughout the essay.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the second body paragraph could be better structured. The sentence "When employees in lower stress levels are usually make them more motivated and full of energy for a working day" is awkwardly phrased and disrupts the flow of the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Additionally, revise sentences for clarity and grammatical accuracy. For example, the problematic sentence could be rephrased to: "Employees who experience lower stress levels tend to be more motivated and energetic throughout their workday." This adjustment would enhance readability and coherence.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Moreover" and "Furthermore," to connect ideas within paragraphs. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the transition between discussing health benefits and productivity could be strengthened to show how these concepts interrelate.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Additionally," "Consequently," or "As a result." Furthermore, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help maintain cohesion. For instance, instead of repeatedly stating "shorter working hours," you could use "this reduction" or "such changes" in subsequent sentences to avoid redundancy and enhance the flow of ideas.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the overall band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "innovation," "productivity," "fatigue," and "well-being." However, there are instances of repetitive phrasing, such as "working hours" and "manual workers," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the vocabulary. For example, using synonyms like "labor force" or "employees" could diversify the language.
  • How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer should incorporate more synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "working hours," alternatives like "shifts," "work periods," or "employment hours" could be used. Additionally, integrating more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "automation," "efficiency," or "ergonomics," could elevate the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "diminish workforces" is somewhat awkward; a more precise term like "reduce the workforce" would be clearer. Additionally, the term "manpower" is used, which can be seen as outdated or gender-specific. The phrase "negative affect productivity" should be "negatively affect productivity" to correctly use the adverb form.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. Reviewing word forms (e.g., adjectives vs. adverbs) and ensuring that terms are contextually appropriate will enhance precision. Engaging in exercises that focus on collocations and context-specific vocabulary can also be beneficial.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "programmed" (should be "program"), "will enhance will enhance" (repetition and unclear), "manpower" (though not incorrect, it may not be the best choice), and "affect" (should be "affecting"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should practice proofreading their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can aid in reducing spelling mistakes in future essays.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents clear arguments, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will significantly improve the Lexical Resource score in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structure, but it primarily relies on simple and compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "In this day and age," "In the first place," and "To sum up," indicate an attempt to organize thoughts, but the overall complexity is limited. The use of more complex structures, such as subordinate clauses or varied sentence openings, is minimal. For example, the sentence "When workers have shorter hours, they are less likely to experience fatigue and exhaustion" is effective but could be enhanced with additional clauses to increase complexity.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, instead of saying "Shorter working hours will improve health and well being," the writer could say, "While shorter working hours can improve health and well-being, they also provide employees with the opportunity to engage in leisure activities that further enhance their mental state." This not only adds complexity but also enriches the argument.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "innovation and programmed play an important role" should be "innovation and programming play an important role." Additionally, there are instances of redundancy, such as "enhance will enhance," which indicates a lack of proofreading. Punctuation errors, like missing commas in compound sentences, lead to run-on sentences that can confuse the reader. For instance, "When employees in lower stress levels are usually make them more motivated" is grammatically incorrect and unclear.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading their work to catch errors and ensure clarity. Practicing grammar exercises, particularly on subject-verb agreement and sentence structure, would be beneficial. Additionally, using punctuation correctly, such as placing commas before conjunctions in compound sentences, would enhance readability. For example, revising "which always lead to negative affect productivity and errors" to "which always leads to negative effects on productivity and increases errors" would correct grammatical errors and improve clarity.

In summary, while the essay presents a relevant argument, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation will significantly raise the overall quality of the writing. Regular practice and careful proofreading are essential steps for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this day and age, innovation and automation play an important role in our lives. In fact, many factories and some food establishments use robots to increase productivity and reduce the workforce, leading to shorter working hours for employees. Therefore, I completely agree that working hours should be decreased.

In the first place, reducing working hours will enhance the focus of manual laborers and improve productivity. When workers have shorter hours, they are less likely to experience fatigue and exhaustion. With fewer hours to work, employees can maintain a high level of attention throughout their shift. This increased focus leads to better performance and higher quality work. Moreover, employees may focus on learning and utilizing new technologies and methodologies that can help them complete tasks more efficiently in less time.

Secondly, shorter working hours will improve health and well-being. Fewer working hours allow workers more time to recover from the physical and mental strains of manual labor. Better health can contribute to higher energy levels and greater overall productivity. Furthermore, shorter working hours can reduce stress levels, which always leads to a negative effect on productivity and increases errors. When employees experience lower stress levels, they are usually more motivated and full of energy for the working day.

To sum up, the computer era and advancements in innovation help people’s lives become easier and better; therefore, it is evident that shorter working hours offer more benefits than restrictions. As a result, we need to focus on the positive aspects of this issue.