An increasing number of people are choosing cosmetic surgery/ plastic surgery. Why do people have operations to change the way they look? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Many people nowadays choosing to have operation to change the way they look. In this essay, I will discuss reasons for this phenomenon and I believe this is a negative development.
There are many resasons for why people pay more attention how they look like, but the main reason is people want to be more special. Nowadays, when humans have the internet they can connect with other peoples, and they can see a lot of hot girls, hot boys in the internet from many apps. They not confidence about their appearance and want to be more good looking, so they spent a lot of time to improve their "beauty" . Otherwise, many people believe the appearance can help improve their position in social, they believe when they looking better they can have more opportunity. For example, some people have more sympathy with the others who have good appearance.
Although almost peoples nowadays pay too much attention about appearance included me, I still belive this is a negative development. Firstly, people spend a lot of time to improve their bodies, their face but not improve the personality, this situation can be a big step back in our lifes. Additonally, many people only pay attention at apperance but not the talent or personality, for example some manager tend to rejected job application of people who not have a good looking.
In conclusion, many people nowadays want improve their apperance because they want to more special and have more spotlight. I belive this phenomenon is a negative development.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Many people nowadays choosing" -> "Many individuals currently choose"
Explanation: "Nowadays" is somewhat informal and imprecise in this context. "Currently" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing. Additionally, "choosing" should be "choose" to maintain grammatical correctness.
"to have operation" -> "to undergo surgery"
Explanation: "Operation" is a less specific term that can refer to various procedures. "Undergo surgery" is more precise and contextually appropriate for discussing medical procedures.
"to change the way they look" -> "to alter their physical appearance"
Explanation: "Change the way they look" is somewhat vague and informal. "Alter their physical appearance" is more specific and formal.
"I will discuss reasons for this phenomenon" -> "I will explore the reasons for this phenomenon"
Explanation: "Discuss" is somewhat general; "explore" suggests a more in-depth analysis, which is more suitable for academic writing.
"I believe this is a negative development" -> "I contend that this is a detrimental development"
Explanation: "Believe" is somewhat informal and subjective. "Contend" is more assertive and academic, and "detrimental" is a more precise adjective than "negative."
"many resasons" -> "many reasons"
Explanation: "Resasons" is a typographical error. Correcting it to "reasons" fixes the spelling mistake.
"how they look like" -> "their appearance"
Explanation: "How they look like" is informal and redundant. "Their appearance" is concise and maintains formality.
"hot girls, hot boys" -> "attractive individuals"
Explanation: "Hot girls, hot boys" is colloquial and inappropriate for formal writing. "Attractive individuals" is more respectful and appropriate.
"not confidence" -> "lacking confidence"
Explanation: "Not confidence" is grammatically incorrect. "Lacking confidence" is the correct phrase.
"want to be more good looking" -> "wish to enhance their appearance"
Explanation: "Want to be more good looking" is informal and awkward. "Wish to enhance their appearance" is more formal and precise.
"spent a lot of time to improve their "beauty" -> "devote considerable time to enhancing their appearance"
Explanation: "Spent a lot of time to improve their ‘beauty’" is informal and awkwardly phrased. "Devote considerable time to enhancing their appearance" is more formal and flows better.
"improve their bodies, their face" -> "enhance their physical appearance"
Explanation: "Improve their bodies, their face" is redundant and informal. "Enhance their physical appearance" is more concise and formal.
"big step back in our lifes" -> "significant step backward in our lives"
Explanation: "Big step back in our lifes" contains a typographical error and is informal. "Significant step backward in our lives" corrects the spelling and enhances formality.
"many people only pay attention at apperance" -> "many individuals focus solely on appearance"
Explanation: "Pay attention at apperance" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Focus solely on appearance" corrects the grammar and enhances formality.
"I belive" -> "I believe"
Explanation: "Belive" is a typographical error. Correcting it to "believe" fixes the spelling mistake.
"want improve their apperance" -> "wish to improve their appearance"
Explanation: "Want improve their apperance" is grammatically incorrect and contains a typographical error. "Wish to improve their appearance" corrects these issues and maintains formality.

These changes aim to refine the vocabulary and grammar to meet the standards of academic writing, ensuring clarity, precision, and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both parts of the prompt: it discusses reasons why people choose cosmetic surgery and presents a personal opinion on whether this is a positive or negative development. However, the explanation of reasons is somewhat vague and lacks depth. For instance, while the essay mentions that people want to feel "more special," it does not elaborate on how this desire translates into the choice of cosmetic surgery. Additionally, the discussion of whether this trend is positive or negative is not fully developed, as it primarily focuses on the negative aspects without adequately exploring potential positive outcomes.
- How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the essay should include more specific reasons for the popularity of cosmetic surgery, such as societal pressures, media influence, or personal insecurities. Furthermore, it should provide a balanced view by acknowledging any positive aspects of cosmetic surgery, such as increased self-esteem or personal empowerment, before concluding with a personal stance.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay states a clear position that the author believes cosmetic surgery is a negative development. However, this position is not consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The introduction mentions the author’s belief but does not clearly link back to this stance in the body paragraphs. The transition from discussing reasons for cosmetic surgery to expressing a negative view lacks coherence, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should consistently refer back to their viewpoint throughout the essay. This can be achieved by using topic sentences in each paragraph that relate back to the central argument and by summarizing how each point supports the overall stance in the conclusion.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding why people choose cosmetic surgery, such as the influence of social media and the desire for better social standing. However, these ideas are not well-developed or supported with concrete examples or evidence. For instance, the claim that "some people have more sympathy with the others who have good appearance" is vague and lacks a clear explanation or supporting evidence.
- How to improve: To strengthen the presentation and support of ideas, the author should aim to provide specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes that illustrate their points. Each idea should be elaborated upon to show its relevance and impact, which would help create a more compelling argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing cosmetic surgery and its implications. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, particularly when discussing personal feelings about appearance without clearly linking them back to the broader societal implications of cosmetic surgery. Phrases like "included me" introduce an unnecessary personal element that detracts from the overall argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should avoid personal anecdotes unless they directly support the argument. Instead, the essay should concentrate on broader societal trends and implications of cosmetic surgery, ensuring that every point made is relevant to the prompt.

Overall, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the author should work on providing more detailed explanations, supporting their ideas with evidence, maintaining a consistent position, and ensuring that all content remains relevant to the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing reasons for cosmetic surgery to the negative implications is somewhat abrupt. The first body paragraph discusses reasons for the trend, but the second body paragraph introduces a counterargument without a clear transition, which can confuse the reader about the relationship between the two points.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases to connect ideas more smoothly. For example, after discussing the reasons for cosmetic surgery, you could add a sentence like, "While these reasons may seem valid, there are significant drawbacks to this trend." This would help guide the reader more clearly from one idea to the next.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, which is a strength. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. The first paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be split into separate sentences for clarity. For instance, the reasons for wanting to change appearance could be more clearly delineated, as they currently feel jumbled together.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea. In the first body paragraph, separate the discussion of social media influence from the desire for social acceptance. This would allow for a more focused exploration of each idea. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "firstly" and "additionally," which help in structuring the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences lack clear connections. For example, the phrase "many people believe the appearance can help improve their position in social" could be more effectively linked to the previous sentence to enhance flow.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a mix of conjunctions, referencing, and substitution. For instance, instead of repeating "many people," you could use "these individuals" or "such people" to avoid redundancy. Additionally, consider using more varied linking words like "furthermore," "in contrast," or "consequently" to enhance the connections between ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on improving logical transitions, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices will elevate the writing quality and potentially increase the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary. Phrases such as "hot girls," "hot boys," and "good looking" are repeated without variation, which detracts from the overall lexical richness. Additionally, terms like "appearance" and "beauty" are used frequently, indicating a reliance on basic vocabulary rather than exploring synonyms or more sophisticated expressions.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more descriptive language. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "good looking," alternatives like "attractive," "appealing," or "visually appealing" could be utilized. Additionally, exploring phrases like "physical appearance" or "aesthetic qualities" would add depth to the discussion.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "not confidence about their appearance" should be "lack confidence in their appearance." Similarly, "people want to be more special" is vague; "people want to stand out" or "people desire uniqueness" would convey the intended meaning more effectively.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using phrases that accurately reflect their intended meaning. Reading more academic essays or articles can help in understanding how to express ideas clearly and accurately. Practicing paraphrasing sentences can also aid in developing a more precise vocabulary.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that hinder readability and professionalism. Words such as "resasons" (should be "reasons"), "belive" (should be "believe"), "apperance" (should be "appearance"), and "peoples" (should be "people") are misspelled. These errors indicate a lack of attention to detail and can negatively impact the overall impression of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should adopt a proofreading strategy. After completing the essay, taking a moment to review for spelling errors can be beneficial. Additionally, using spell-check tools or writing practice exercises focused on commonly misspelled words can help improve spelling skills over time. Engaging in regular reading can also reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

In summary, while the essay addresses the prompt, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource. Engaging with a wider variety of vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and enhancing spelling accuracy will significantly strengthen the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, lacking the complexity that can enhance the writing. For instance, sentences like "Many people nowadays choosing to have operation to change the way they look" and "they can see a lot of hot girls, hot boys in the internet from many apps" are straightforward but do not utilize varied grammatical forms. There are few complex sentences, which would help convey more nuanced ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "people want to be more special," the writer could say, "Many people feel that by undergoing cosmetic surgery, they can stand out in a society that often values appearance over substance." This approach not only adds variety but also enhances clarity and depth.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence. For example, "Many people nowadays choosing to have operation" should be "Many people nowadays are choosing to have operations." The phrase "not confidence about their appearance" should be corrected to "not confident about their appearance." Additionally, punctuation errors are present, such as the lack of commas in compound sentences and incorrect spacing before punctuation marks (e.g., "improve their ‘beauty’ ."). These mistakes detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and the correct use of articles (e.g., "an operation" instead of "operation"). Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can help identify and rectify common mistakes. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, especially for complex sentences, will improve clarity and readability. For instance, using commas correctly can help separate ideas and enhance the flow of the essay.

In summary, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents a clear opinion, there is a significant need for improvement in both the variety of sentence structures and grammatical accuracy. Focusing on these areas will help raise the overall band score in future writing tasks.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many individuals nowadays choose to undergo surgery to alter their physical appearance. In this essay, I will explore the reasons for this phenomenon, and I contend that this is a detrimental development.

There are many reasons why people pay more attention to how they look, but the main reason is that individuals want to feel more unique. In today’s world, with the internet at our fingertips, people can connect with others and see numerous attractive individuals on various platforms. Many individuals lack confidence in their appearance and wish to enhance their looks, so they spend a significant amount of time trying to improve their “beauty.” Furthermore, many people believe that appearance can help improve their social standing; they think that looking better will provide them with more opportunities. For example, some individuals receive more sympathy from others who possess good looks.

Although many individuals today focus solely on appearance, including myself, I believe this is a negative development. Firstly, people invest a lot of time in enhancing their bodies and faces, but they often neglect to improve their personalities. This situation can represent a significant step backward in our lives. Additionally, many individuals only pay attention to appearance rather than talent or personality. For instance, some managers tend to reject job applications from candidates who do not have an appealing appearance.

In conclusion, many people nowadays wish to improve their appearance because they want to feel more special and gain more attention. I believe this phenomenon is a negative development.