An increasing number of people choosing to have cosmetic surgery in order to improve their appearance. Why do people have operations to change the way they look? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

In the contemporary world, it has become far more normal for people to carry cosmetic surgery in order to enhance their looks. While there are several reasons, which explain this trend, I would argue that it is a totally negative development as it can carry health risks.

There are two primary reasons why people nowadays tend to have cosmetic procedures. Firstly, people undergo surgery in a beauty salon in order to meet society’s expectations of beauty, even if it means that plain-looking citizens tend to feel unvalued and pressured in society. It not only faces barriers on securing jobs but also appearance-based discrimination. For instance, in the aviation industry, human resources may eliminate candidates who do not conform to beauty standards, not too tall, not too short, etc. Secondly, individuals who choose to have cosmetic surgery to attract their partner. They may carry abdominal liposuction, breast enhancement or chin face V line to appear at the greatest version.

I believe that this development to be wholly negative. Firstly, having cosmetic surgery could be detrimental to health. The main reason is that sometimes cosmetic procedures may be wrong, all operations carry health risks both physical and mental health. For example, on average there are 35,000 cases of cosmetic complications per year. It not only suffers from depression and anxiety but also life-threatening. Secondly, there are many “fake” doctors, even if it means that people may have died or suffered lifelong disabilities because they choose the wrong “fake” doctors. In fact, many unqualified surgeons still open clinics and accept patients.

In conclusion, although reasons can be tried to explain the development, I would argue that it is a negative trend.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"carry cosmetic surgery" -> "undergo cosmetic surgery"
Explanation: "Carry" is incorrectly used here. "Undergo" is the correct verb to describe the act of having cosmetic surgery, which is a medical procedure.
"totally negative" -> "entirely negative"
Explanation: "Totally" is somewhat informal and can be vague. "Entirely" is more precise and formal, fitting better in an academic context.
"beauty salon" -> "cosmetic clinic"
Explanation: "Beauty salon" typically refers to a place where people get haircuts, manicures, and other non-medical beauty treatments. "Cosmetic clinic" is more specific and appropriate for medical procedures like surgery.
"plain-looking citizens" -> "individuals with less conventional physical appearances"
Explanation: "Plain-looking citizens" is informal and subjective. "Individuals with less conventional physical appearances" is more neutral and academically appropriate.
"tend to feel unvalued and pressured" -> "often feel undervalued and pressured"
Explanation: "Tend to" is less direct and less formal than "often," which is more precise and suitable for academic writing.
"It not only faces barriers on securing jobs" -> "It not only hinders job security"
Explanation: "Faces barriers on securing jobs" is awkward and unclear. "Hinders job security" is more direct and clear.
"appearance-based discrimination" -> "discrimination based on appearance"
Explanation: "Appearance-based discrimination" is grammatically correct, but "discrimination based on appearance" is more formal and commonly used in academic texts.
"They may carry abdominal liposuction, breast enhancement or chin face V line to appear at the greatest version" -> "They may undergo abdominal liposuction, breast enhancement, or chin facial contouring to achieve their ideal appearance"
Explanation: "Carry" is again incorrect; "undergo" is the correct verb for medical procedures. "Chin face V line" is unclear and informal; "chin facial contouring" is a more precise and formal term.
"this development to be wholly negative" -> "this trend is entirely negative"
Explanation: "This development to be wholly negative" is grammatically incorrect. "This trend is entirely negative" corrects the grammar and maintains formality.
"having cosmetic surgery could be detrimental to health" -> "undergoing cosmetic surgery poses health risks"
Explanation: "Having cosmetic surgery could be detrimental to health" is somewhat vague and informal. "Undergoing cosmetic surgery poses health risks" is more direct and formal.
"sometimes cosmetic procedures may be wrong" -> "cosmetic procedures may be incorrectly performed"
Explanation: "Sometimes cosmetic procedures may be wrong" is informal and imprecise. "Cosmetic procedures may be incorrectly performed" is more specific and formal.
"It not only suffers from depression and anxiety but also life-threatening" -> "It not only leads to depression and anxiety but also poses life-threatening risks"
Explanation: "Suffers from" is less formal and slightly vague. "Leads to" and "poses life-threatening risks" are more precise and appropriate for an academic context.
"many “fake” doctors" -> "many unqualified or fraudulent surgeons"
Explanation: "Fake" is informal and imprecise. "Unqualified or fraudulent surgeons" is more specific and formal, accurately describing the issue.
"choose the wrong “fake” doctors" -> "select unqualified or fraudulent surgeons"
Explanation: "Choose the wrong “fake” doctors" is informal and redundant. "Select unqualified or fraudulent surgeons" is more formal and avoids redundancy.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt effectively. It identifies reasons why people opt for cosmetic surgery, such as societal beauty standards and personal attraction, and it clearly states a position that this trend is negative due to health risks. However, while the reasons are mentioned, they could be more thoroughly explored. For instance, the discussion about societal pressure could benefit from more depth, including psychological impacts or cultural influences.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should aim to elaborate on each reason with additional examples or statistics that demonstrate the societal pressure and its effects on individuals. Incorporating a wider range of perspectives, such as economic factors or the influence of social media, could also provide a more comprehensive answer.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that cosmetic surgery is a negative development. This stance is consistent throughout the essay, particularly in the conclusion. However, the argument could be strengthened by providing more balanced reasoning. For example, acknowledging any potential benefits of cosmetic surgery before refuting them could demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic.
- How to improve: To present a clearer position, the writer could include a brief acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint (e.g., that cosmetic surgery can boost self-esteem) before reinforcing their negative stance. This would show critical thinking and enhance the overall argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as societal expectations and health risks, but the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, the mention of "35,000 cases of cosmetic complications per year" is a strong statistic, but it lacks context or a source, which could lend credibility. Additionally, the ideas could be extended with more examples or anecdotes to illustrate the points made.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and possibly cite studies or expert opinions that support their claims. This could involve discussing specific cases of complications or providing statistics on the psychological effects of cosmetic surgery.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the reasons for cosmetic surgery and the author’s negative viewpoint. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened. For instance, the phrase "not too tall, not too short, etc." is vague and could be more specific to maintain clarity and relevance.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should avoid vague language and ensure that every sentence directly contributes to the argument. Revisiting the main question periodically throughout the essay can help reinforce the topic and ensure that all points made are relevant to the prompt.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument. By addressing the suggestions for improvement, the writer could enhance the depth and clarity of their response, potentially achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the author’s stance. The body paragraphs are organized around two main reasons for the trend of cosmetic surgery, followed by a discussion of the negative implications. However, the logical flow could be improved; for instance, the transition between the reasons for cosmetic surgery and the negative consequences is somewhat abrupt. The second body paragraph introduces the negative aspects without a clear linking sentence that ties it back to the reasons discussed previously.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences that explicitly connect the ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the reasons for cosmetic surgery, a sentence like "While these motivations may seem compelling, they can lead to serious health risks" would provide a smoother transition to the negative implications.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the discussion. The introduction, body, and conclusion are clearly delineated. However, the body paragraphs could be more balanced; the first paragraph detailing reasons for cosmetic surgery is longer and more developed than the second paragraph discussing the negative consequences, which could lead to an imbalance in the argumentation.
- How to improve: Aim for a more balanced development of ideas across paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph contains a similar level of detail and analysis. For instance, consider expanding the second body paragraph with more specific examples or statistics related to health risks associated with cosmetic surgery to match the depth of the first paragraph.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "In conclusion," which help to guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay occasionally lacks variety in how ideas are connected. For example, the use of "not only… but also" is effective but could be supplemented with other devices like "in addition," "furthermore," or "conversely" to create a richer tapestry of connections between ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, practice incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, when introducing the second reason for cosmetic surgery, you could use "Moreover" or "Additionally" to connect it to the previous point. This would not only enhance the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a more sophisticated command of cohesive devices.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, attention to logical transitions, paragraph balance, and the variety of cohesive devices will further enhance its coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "cosmetic surgery," "enhance," "society’s expectations," and "appearance-based discrimination." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "cosmetic surgery" and "beauty." The use of synonyms or more varied expressions could enhance the richness of the essay. For example, instead of repeatedly using "cosmetic surgery," the writer could incorporate terms like "aesthetic procedures" or "surgical enhancements."
- How to improve: To improve lexical variety, the writer should actively seek synonyms and related terms. Engaging with vocabulary lists related to beauty and health could help. Additionally, practicing using new vocabulary in writing exercises can aid in retention and application.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "carry cosmetic surgery" is awkward and incorrect; the writer likely intended to say "undergo" or "have cosmetic surgery." Similarly, "the greatest version" is vague and could be more clearly expressed as "the best version of themselves." Such imprecisions can confuse readers and detract from the overall clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on context and the nuances of word meanings. Reviewing vocabulary in context, such as through reading high-quality essays or articles, can help in understanding how to use words more accurately. Additionally, using a thesaurus to find more fitting words while ensuring they fit the context can be beneficial.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only a few minor errors. However, there are instances where spelling could be improved, such as "abdominal liposuction" which is correctly spelled but could be better contextualized. The phrase "not too tall, not too short, etc." is informal and could be rephrased for clarity and formality.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, ideally reading it aloud to catch any errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can also be effective strategies. Regular practice with spelling exercises can further enhance accuracy.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling can elevate the overall quality and coherence of the writing. Engaging in targeted vocabulary exercises, practicing precise language use, and implementing proofreading strategies will contribute significantly to achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "While there are several reasons, which explain this trend, I would argue that it is a totally negative development as it can carry health risks" showcases a complex sentence structure that effectively conveys the author’s argument. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of more sophisticated structures, such as conditional sentences or varied clause placements, which could enhance the overall complexity of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex and compound-complex sentences. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Firstly" or "Secondly," the writer could use introductory clauses or phrases, such as "One significant reason is that…" or "Another factor contributing to this trend is…". Additionally, practicing the use of subordinate clauses and varying sentence lengths can add depth to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a good level of grammatical accuracy overall, but there are several errors that detract from the clarity and professionalism of the writing. For instance, the phrase "carry cosmetic surgery" should be "undergo cosmetic surgery." Additionally, the sentence "It not only suffers from depression and anxiety but also life-threatening" is grammatically incorrect; it should be rephrased for clarity, such as "It can lead not only to depression and anxiety but also to life-threatening conditions." Punctuation is generally well-handled, but there are some areas where commas could improve readability, such as before "even if it means" in the first paragraph.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on common verb forms and their correct usage. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly focusing on verb tenses and subject-verb agreement, would be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for clarity and correctness can help catch errors before submission. The writer should also consider using punctuation to break up longer sentences for better readability, ensuring that each idea is clearly articulated.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical structures and generally maintains accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision. By implementing the suggested strategies, the writer can enhance their overall score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary world, it has become far more normal for people to undergo cosmetic surgery in order to enhance their looks. While there are several reasons that explain this trend, I would argue that it is a totally negative development as it can carry health risks.

There are two primary reasons why people nowadays tend to have cosmetic procedures. Firstly, people undergo surgery in a cosmetic clinic to meet society’s expectations of beauty, even if it means that plain-looking individuals often feel undervalued and pressured in society. It not only hinders job security but also leads to discrimination based on appearance. For instance, in the aviation industry, human resources may eliminate candidates who do not conform to beauty standards, such as being not too tall or not too short. Secondly, individuals who choose to have cosmetic surgery often do so to attract their partners. They may undergo abdominal liposuction, breast enhancement, or chin facial contouring to achieve their ideal appearance.

I believe that this development is wholly negative. Firstly, having cosmetic surgery could be detrimental to health. The main reason is that sometimes cosmetic procedures may be incorrectly performed, and all operations carry health risks, both physical and mental. For example, on average, there are 35,000 cases of cosmetic complications per year. It not only leads to depression and anxiety but also poses life-threatening risks. Secondly, there are many unqualified or fraudulent surgeons, and people may suffer lifelong disabilities or even die because they select unqualified or fraudulent surgeons. In fact, many unqualified surgeons still open clinics and accept patients.

In conclusion, although there are reasons that can be cited to explain this development, I would argue that it is a negative trend.