Art and music should not be mandatory at school.
Do you agree or disagree?
Some people believe that subjects relating to art and music should not be obligatory in the school curriculum. I firmly disagree with such idea because of several reasons which I would discuss further in this essay.
First of all, students having music and art classes in their schedule can relieve stress at school. While other traditional subjects such as math, literature, and chemistry may put them under pressure from an overwhelming amount of assignment, engaging in music and art lessons provides them with ways to express feelings and emotions through the songs and arts. This would be a crucial method to help learners with personality development and skills to handle anxiety or negativities. Besides, participators of such classes can spend quality time with those who share the same interest. As art and music is a wonderful tool irrespective of any language, getting involved in activities such as singing a song together or cooperating to draw a picture can help learners make friends and enjoy each other’s company, leading to stress alleviation.
On top of that, art and music should be mandatory subjects as it has a great ability to promote students’ intelligence. According to a research from Harvard University, studying music can not only develop musical intelligence, a type of intelligence listed as significant as logical and language intelligence, but also foster creativity. Provided that every child has the opportunity to approach musical instruments and knowledge, schools can soon find gifted children with outstanding talent or passion which need nurturing. Those children would have the capability to practice, perform, and follow their dream of becoming a professional artist when growing up. Moreover, teachers are able to teach their students a way of entertainment namely singing, drawing, or playing guitar, as well as stage performance. In this way, music and art classes can foster their confidence, intelligence, and available interpersonal skills which will likely to help them with their future career and mature life.
To sum up, because of all the benefits of music and art mentioned above, I am convinced that it should be compulsory at schools all over the world.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"I firmly disagree with such idea" -> "I strongly disagree with this notion"
Explanation: Replacing "firmly disagree" with "strongly disagree" maintains a formal tone, and "such idea" is substituted with "this notion" for precision and clarity.
"First of all" -> "To begin with"
Explanation: "First of all" is more colloquial, while "To begin with" is a formal transition that aligns better with academic writing.
"assignment" -> "assignments"
Explanation: Changing "assignment" to "assignments" ensures subject-verb agreement, as it refers to multiple tasks in different subjects.
"songs and arts" -> "music and visual arts"
Explanation: Using "music and visual arts" is more specific and adheres to formal language conventions by avoiding the informal term "songs."
"This would be a crucial method" -> "This constitutes a crucial method"
Explanation: Substituting "would be" with "constitutes" adds precision, and replacing "method" with "crucial method" maintains formality.
"negativities" -> "negative emotions"
Explanation: "Negativities" is too informal; "negative emotions" is a more academically appropriate expression.
"Participators" -> "Participants"
Explanation: "Participators" is less formal; "Participants" is a more suitable and widely accepted term in academic writing.
"wonderful tool irrespective of any language" -> "valuable tool transcending language barriers"
Explanation: "Wonderful" is informal; "valuable" is a more appropriate term. "Irrespective of any language" is replaced with "transcending language barriers" for clarity and formality.
"make friends and enjoy each other’s company" -> "forge friendships and appreciate each other’s companionship"
Explanation: "Make friends" is replaced with "forge friendships" for a more formal tone, and "enjoy" is substituted with "appreciate" for precision.
"On top of that" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: "On top of that" is colloquial; "Furthermore" is a more formal transition in academic writing.
"it has a great ability to" -> "it has the capacity to"
Explanation: "Great ability" is less formal; "capacity" is a more sophisticated term.
"a type of intelligence listed as significant as" -> "considered as significant as"
Explanation: Replacing "listed as significant as" with "considered as significant as" maintains formality and clarity.
"Provided that every child has the opportunity to approach musical instruments and knowledge" -> "Assuming every child has access to musical instruments and knowledge"
Explanation: "Provided that" is replaced with "Assuming," and the sentence is rephrased for conciseness and formality.
"which need nurturing" -> "that require nurturing"
Explanation: "Which" is replaced with "that" for a more precise and formal expression.
"will likely to help them with their future career" -> "will likely help them in their future careers"
Explanation: "Will likely to" is corrected to "will likely," and the sentence is refined for better grammar and formality.
"To sum up" -> "In conclusion"
Explanation: "To sum up" is more casual; "In conclusion" is a standard phrase for academic conclusions.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question: Characteristic of Band 8
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument. It acknowledges the perspective that opposes mandatory art and music classes in schools and strongly disagrees with it. The reasoning behind the disagreement is well-articulated, emphasizing stress relief, social engagement, and the development of intelligence and skills.
- How to improve: While the essay covers the necessary elements, enhancing the depth of analysis for the opposing view could strengthen the overall argument. Delving further into potential counterarguments and providing counterpoints can fortify the essay’s stance.
Present a Clear Position Throughout: Characteristic of Band 8
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout. The writer’s disagreement with the idea of excluding art and music from the curriculum is evident from the introduction to the conclusion. The points presented consistently support this standpoint.
- How to improve: To further solidify the position, consider emphasizing the importance of art and music education more explicitly in the conclusion, reiterating the main reasons for disagreement.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas: Characteristic of Band 9
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents and extends ideas with relevant examples. It elaborates on the stress-alleviating aspect, social benefits, and intellectual development through art and music education. The use of the Harvard University research to support claims adds credibility.
- How to improve: To enhance this section, consider providing a more diverse range of supporting evidence or examples to augment the points made. This could include additional studies, real-life anecdotes, or statistical data that further strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic: Characteristic of Band 8
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains focus on the topic throughout its entirety. It consistently discusses the importance of art and music education in schools and doesn’t deviate into unrelated tangents.
- How to improve: While the essay stays on topic, ensuring a smoother transition between paragraphs and ideas can refine the overall coherence and flow.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively argues against the notion of excluding art and music from school curricula. To elevate the essay, consider incorporating a wider range of evidence and viewpoints while ensuring a seamless flow between ideas and paragraphs. This would enrich the depth and coherence of the argument, potentially pushing the essay towards a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization with a clear progression of ideas. Each paragraph follows a coherent structure, presenting arguments in a well-defined sequence. For instance, the essay begins by addressing the stress-relieving aspect of art and music, followed by the promotion of intelligence and creativity, and concludes with a summary of the benefits. This logical flow enhances the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider refining the transitions between paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph smoothly connects to the next, reinforcing the overall coherence of the essay.
Use Paragraphs: Characteristic of Band 8
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs, demonstrating a clear and appropriate structure with logical sequencing of ideas within each paragraph. The introduction, body, and conclusion are distinctly separated, contributing to the overall coherence. Moreover, the development of each supporting point within paragraphs is well-organized, enhancing the essay’s readability.
- How to improve: Maintain the current effective use of paragraphs. Consider varying sentence structure within paragraphs to add further nuance and sophistication to the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a flexible use of cohesive devices, contributing to coherence. However, there are instances of minor inaccuracies or inappropriate amounts, such as in the phrase "irrespective of any language." While the overall use of cohesive devices is commendable, attention to detail can elevate the essay to a higher band.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to the accuracy and appropriateness of cohesive devices. Ensure that each is seamlessly integrated into the text. Consider using a variety of cohesive devices to add richness to the essay’s coherence. Additionally, refine the use of language to eliminate any potential inaccuracies.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, earning a Band Score of 7. To improve, focus on refining transitional elements, maintaining effective paragraphing, and ensuring precision in the use of cohesive devices.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary, allowing for some flexibility and precision. For instance, varied terms like "overwhelming amount of assignment," "personality development," and "stress alleviation" contribute to a diverse lexical repertoire. However, there is room for improvement in the depth and nuance of vocabulary usage.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more sophisticated terms and expressions. For example, instead of using "overwhelming amount of assignment," explore alternatives like "excessive academic workload" or "daunting assignments." Additionally, strive for more nuanced vocabulary choices to convey subtleties in meaning.
Use Vocabulary Precisely: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits sufficient precision in vocabulary usage, although there are instances of slightly inappropriate choices. For instance, phrases like "irrespective of any language" could be refined for more accuracy. Overall, the precision is commendable but could benefit from a more careful selection of words in certain contexts.
- How to improve: Focus on refining word choices to ensure they precisely convey the intended meaning. Instead of "irrespective of any language," consider alternatives like "beyond linguistic barriers" or "regardless of language differences." Paying close attention to the context in which words are used will contribute to a more precise vocabulary.
Use Correct Spelling: Characteristic of Band 8
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates good spelling accuracy with only occasional errors, and these errors have minimal impact on communication. Spelling is a strength, contributing to the overall clarity of the essay.
- How to improve: Maintain this high level of spelling accuracy by continuing to review and proofread your work. Consider using spell-check tools and allocating dedicated time for thorough editing to catch any potential errors. Consistent attention to spelling will further enhance the overall quality of your writing.
In conclusion, while the essay exhibits a strong command of vocabulary and spelling, there is room for refinement to achieve a more nuanced and precise use of language. Focus on incorporating advanced vocabulary and choosing words with utmost precision to elevate the lexical quality of your writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8
Use a Wide Range of Structures: Characteristic of Band 9
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable use of a variety of sentence structures. It effectively employs complex and compound sentences, contributing to a cohesive and engaging flow. For instance, the writer adeptly combines complex sentences, such as "While other traditional subjects… ways to express feelings and emotions through the songs and arts," showcasing flexibility and control.
- How to improve: To further enhance the range, consider incorporating more complex structures, such as conditional sentences or inverted sentences. This would add an extra layer of sophistication to your writing.
Use Grammar Accurately: Characteristic of Band 8
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a high level of grammatical accuracy, with occasional minor errors. For instance, the sentence "While other traditional subjects… assignment," is well-constructed with only minor punctuation adjustments needed.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage. Additionally, ensure consistent tense usage throughout the essay to eliminate any minor discrepancies.
Use Correct Punctuation: Characteristic of Band 9
- Detailed explanation: Punctuation is appropriately used throughout the essay. Commendably, there are no glaring errors, and punctuation marks are used to enhance clarity and structure.
- How to improve: Maintain this level of accuracy by continuing to use punctuation effectively. Consider experimenting with more advanced punctuation, such as em dashes or colons, to add variety and sophistication to your writing.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical structures and accuracy. To elevate your score further, focus on incorporating even more diverse sentence structures and refining minor grammatical details. Keep up the excellent work!
Bài sửa mẫu
Some individuals argue against the mandatory inclusion of art and music in the school curriculum. However, I strongly disagree with this notion for various reasons, which I will elaborate on in this essay.
To begin with, incorporating music and art classes into students’ schedules can effectively alleviate stress at school. While conventional subjects like math, literature, and chemistry may subject students to the pressure of overwhelming assignments, engaging in music and art lessons provides an outlet for expressing feelings and emotions through songs and arts. This constitutes a crucial method for aiding learners in personality development and equipping them with skills to manage anxiety and negative emotions. Furthermore, participants in such classes can spend quality time with others who share similar interests. As music and art serve as valuable tools transcending language barriers, engaging in activities such as singing together or collaborating on a drawing can help forge friendships and enable students to appreciate each other’s companionship, contributing to stress alleviation.
Moreover, art and music should be considered as significant as other subjects in the curriculum, given their potential to enhance students’ intelligence. According to research from Harvard University, studying music not only develops musical intelligence, a type deemed as important as logical and language intelligence, but also nurtures creativity. Assuming every child has access to musical instruments and knowledge, schools can identify gifted children with exceptional talent or passion that require nurturing. These children would then have the capacity to practice, perform, and pursue their dreams of becoming professional artists as they grow up. Additionally, teachers can impart various forms of entertainment, such as singing, drawing, or playing the guitar, along with stage performance. This way, music and art classes can foster students’ confidence, intelligence, and essential interpersonal skills, likely benefiting them in their future careers and mature life.
In conclusion, considering all the benefits outlined above, I firmly believe that art and music should be compulsory subjects in schools worldwide.