Art is considered an essential part of all cultures throughout the world. However, these days fewer and fewer people appreciate art and focus on science, technology and business. Is it a positive or negative development?

In this day and age, the focus of our society has shifted to science, technology, and business. There are fewer and fewer people who pay attention to the role of arts, considering arts as an important part of our lives and culture. Although this shift has offered several benefits to the economy, its effects are largely negative.

There are various advantages of arts, the most considerable of which is the diverse perspectives that arts offer. It is considered that there is no limitation in the realm of arts. It allows people to interpret things in different ways based on their own experience in life. In other words, arts promote creativity and foster critical thinking as individuals perceive things from various viewpoints. For example, rather than accepting things as the way they are in science. For example, in science, a dog is simply an animal with four legs. However, in the eyes of an artist like a writer, a dog is not only a kind of animal but also his friend, representing a sense of companionship and emotional sharing. Therefore, appreciating and understanding the beauty of arts can help people have a diverse perspective on life.

Moreover, arts also play a vital role in preserving cultural identity. Arts represent the culture of a people as it reflects people's activities and customs in the contemporary era. To illustrate, Dong Ho paintings, a sort of Vietnamese traditional art that has a history of over 300 years, reflect people's daily activities, customs, and festivals. Therefore, learning this kind of art can be considered a way to learn our traditions and understanding cultural arts promotes people to love and preserve their cultural identity.

On the other hand, science, technology, and business also have a role to play in our modern society. First of all, science, technology, and business offer financial benefits for individuals. The inventions of cutting-edge AI have brought enormous enhancement into people's productivity. A 2022 study in the U.S. has shown that 48% of office workers earn a higher income because they are more productive in their work, thanks to the support of AI tools. Another advantage of science, technology, and business is that they contribute to the economic development of society as a whole. That is, science and technology invent breakthrough technological advancements, which can be applied to business to earn more money, stimulating other activities in the society.

In conclusion, science, technology, and business can bring considerable financial benefits to individuals and society, yet there are advantages of arts that should be taken into consideration, such as the diverse perspectives it offers and the culture it represents, to reach the balance between the two extremes.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In this day and age" -> "In contemporary society"
Explanation: "In this day and age" is a colloquial expression. "In contemporary society" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"fewer and fewer" -> "increasingly fewer"
Explanation: "Fewer and fewer" is redundant. "Increasingly fewer" is more concise and maintains the intended meaning.
"considering arts as an important part" -> "regarding arts as a vital component"
Explanation: "Considering arts as an important part" is somewhat informal and vague. "Regarding arts as a vital component" is more precise and formal.
"its effects are largely negative" -> "its effects are predominantly adverse"
Explanation: "Largely negative" is somewhat informal and vague. "Predominantly adverse" is more specific and formal.
"the most considerable of which is" -> "the most significant of which is"
Explanation: "Considerable" can imply size or quantity, which is less precise in this context. "Significant" is more appropriate for emphasizing importance.
"It is considered that there is no limitation" -> "It is believed that there are no limitations"
Explanation: "It is considered that there is no limitation" is grammatically incorrect. "It is believed that there are no limitations" corrects the grammar and improves clarity.
"For example, rather than accepting things as the way they are in science" -> "For instance, unlike in science, where facts are often accepted as they are"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revised version clarifies the comparison and maintains a formal tone.
"a dog is not only a kind of animal but also his friend" -> "a dog is not only an animal but also a companion"
Explanation: "His friend" is too informal and personal for an academic essay. "A companion" is more appropriate and formal.
"appreciating and understanding the beauty of arts" -> "appreciating and understanding the aesthetic value of arts"
Explanation: "The beauty of arts" is vague and informal. "The aesthetic value of arts" is more precise and academically appropriate.
"learning this kind of art can be considered a way to learn our traditions" -> "studying this art form can be seen as a means of learning about our traditions"
Explanation: "Learning this kind of art" is informal and imprecise. "Studying this art form" is more specific and formal.
"understanding cultural arts promotes people to love and preserve their cultural identity" -> "understanding cultural arts fosters a love for and preservation of cultural identity"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and grammatically incorrect. The revision corrects these issues and enhances clarity.
"science, technology, and business also have a role to play" -> "science, technology, and business also contribute significantly"
Explanation: "Have a role to play" is somewhat informal and vague. "Contribute significantly" is more direct and formal.
"The inventions of cutting-edge AI have brought enormous enhancement into people’s productivity" -> "The development of cutting-edge AI has significantly enhanced productivity"
Explanation: "Brought enormous enhancement into people’s productivity" is awkward and unclear. "Has significantly enhanced productivity" is more direct and formal.
"A 2022 study in the U.S. has shown" -> "A 2022 study in the United States demonstrated"
Explanation: "Has shown" is somewhat informal and less precise. "Demonstrated" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"earn a higher income because they are more productive in their work" -> "earn higher incomes due to increased productivity in their work"
Explanation: "Earn a higher income because they are more productive" is informal and slightly awkward. "Earn higher incomes due to increased productivity" is more formal and precise.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the negative and positive aspects of the shift from art to science, technology, and business. The introduction clearly states the author’s position that the shift has largely negative effects, while the body paragraphs explore the benefits of art and the counterarguments regarding science and technology. However, the essay could have explicitly stated whether the overall development is positive or negative in the conclusion, which may leave some ambiguity.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the conclusion should clearly summarize the author’s stance, explicitly stating whether the overall development is viewed as positive or negative. This will reinforce the position taken throughout the essay and ensure that all parts of the question are thoroughly addressed.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the shift towards science, technology, and business is largely negative, supported by arguments about the importance of art. However, the introduction could be more assertive in stating this position, as it currently presents a somewhat neutral tone before delving into the negative aspects.
- How to improve: Strengthen the introduction by clearly stating the position in a more assertive manner. For example, instead of saying "its effects are largely negative," the writer could say, "this shift is detrimental to cultural appreciation." This clarity will help maintain a consistent position throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas effectively, particularly in discussing the benefits of art, such as promoting creativity and preserving cultural identity. The examples provided, like the reference to Dong Ho paintings, are relevant and help illustrate the points made. However, the discussion on science and technology could benefit from more depth and specific examples to balance the argument.
- How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the writer should include more specific examples related to science and technology, such as mentioning particular technological advancements or their societal impacts. This will provide a more balanced view and strengthen the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the role of art versus science and technology. However, there are moments where the discussion of science and technology feels somewhat disconnected from the main argument about the decline of art appreciation. For instance, the transition between discussing the benefits of art and the counterarguments could be smoother.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the central argument regarding the shift in societal focus. Transitional phrases can help link ideas more cohesively, reinforcing how each point contributes to the overall discussion of the prompt.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve an even higher level of clarity and coherence, potentially raising the overall band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the importance of art in contrast to the focus on science, technology, and business. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized around specific points that support the thesis. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the benefits of art in promoting creativity and diverse perspectives, while the second highlights its role in preserving cultural identity. However, the transition between the discussion of art and the subsequent acknowledgment of science and technology could be smoother. The phrase "On the other hand" serves as a transition but feels somewhat abrupt, which can disrupt the logical flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using more varied transitional phrases that clearly indicate shifts in focus. For example, instead of "On the other hand," you might use "Conversely" or "While art offers significant benefits, it is also essential to recognize the contributions of science and technology." Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a clear paragraph structure, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct idea. The first two paragraphs effectively discuss the advantages of art, while the third addresses the benefits of science and technology. However, the conclusion could be more robust by summarizing the key points made in the body paragraphs, reinforcing the argument’s balance.
- How to improve: To strengthen paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. In the conclusion, briefly restate the main points from each body paragraph to reinforce the argument. For example, you could summarize the benefits of art and science, emphasizing the need for a balanced appreciation of both.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "however," "therefore," and "for example." These devices help to connect ideas and clarify relationships between points. Nonetheless, there is a tendency to repeat certain phrases, such as "for example," which can detract from the overall cohesiveness of the essay. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied to enhance the flow.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases. Instead of repeatedly using "for example," you could use "for instance," "to illustrate," or "as an illustration." Additionally, employing more complex cohesive devices, such as "in contrast," "similarly," or "consequently," can help to create a more sophisticated flow of ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, addressing the aforementioned areas for improvement can elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 8

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, effectively employing terms related to both art and science. Phrases like "diverse perspectives," "foster critical thinking," and "cultural identity" showcase the writer’s ability to use varied vocabulary to express complex ideas. However, some repetition of words such as "arts" and "science" could be improved by incorporating synonyms or related terms to enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To further diversify vocabulary, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "arts," you might use "creative expressions" or "cultural artifacts." Additionally, varying the terms used to describe science and technology, such as "scientific advancements" or "technological innovations," could enhance the richness of the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with a good degree of precision. For example, the phrase "promote creativity and foster critical thinking" accurately conveys the intended meaning. However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "considered that there is no limitation in the realm of arts," which could be more clearly articulated. The phrase "representing a sense of companionship and emotional sharing" could also be simplified for clarity.
- How to improve: Aim for clarity and conciseness in vocabulary choices. Instead of "considered that there is no limitation in the realm of arts," you might say, "the arts are limitless in their expression." This enhances precision and readability. Additionally, ensure that complex phrases do not obscure the main point; simpler language can often be more effective.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors. Words such as "contemporary," "enhancement," and "consideration" are spelled correctly, reflecting a strong command of English spelling conventions.
- How to improve: While spelling is accurate, it is always beneficial to maintain this standard by regularly practicing writing and proofreading. Consider using tools like spell checkers or engaging in exercises that focus on commonly misspelled words to reinforce this strength.

In summary, the essay exhibits a strong command of lexical resource with a band score of 8. To achieve an even higher score, focus on expanding vocabulary variety, enhancing precision in word choice, and maintaining the high standard of spelling accuracy already demonstrated.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For instance, phrases like "Although this shift has offered several benefits to the economy, its effects are largely negative" and "In other words, arts promote creativity and foster critical thinking as individuals perceive things from various viewpoints" showcase the writer’s ability to construct nuanced sentences. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the use of "arts" and "science, technology, and business," which could be varied to enhance readability and engagement.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases, use passive voice where appropriate, and experiment with different conjunctions to connect ideas. For example, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with "arts" or "science," the writer could use phrases like "This creative domain" or "The scientific field" to introduce variety.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some noticeable errors. For instance, the phrase "considering arts as an important part of our lives and culture" should be "considering art as an important part of our lives and culture" for subject-verb agreement. Additionally, the sentence "For example, rather than accepting things as the way they are in science" is incomplete and lacks clarity. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but the use of commas could be improved for better clarity, particularly in compound sentences.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should review subject-verb agreement rules and ensure that all sentences are complete and clear. Practicing sentence combining and breaking down complex ideas into simpler sentences can also help. Furthermore, a careful proofreading of the essay for punctuation errors, especially in compound and complex sentences, would improve overall clarity.

By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance the grammatical range and accuracy of their writing, potentially raising their band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, the focus of our community has increasingly shifted towards science, technology, and business. Consequently, there are increasingly fewer people who appreciate the role of the arts, regarding them as a vital component of our lives and culture. Although this shift has provided several benefits to the economy, its effects are predominantly adverse.

There are various advantages of the arts, the most significant of which is the diverse perspectives they offer. It is believed that there are no limitations in the realm of arts. This field allows individuals to interpret experiences in different ways based on their own life journeys. In other words, the arts promote creativity and foster critical thinking as individuals perceive things from various viewpoints. For instance, unlike in science, where facts are often accepted as they are, in the realm of art, a dog is not merely an animal with four legs. Instead, through the eyes of an artist, such as a writer, a dog is not only a creature but also a companion, representing a sense of emotional connection and companionship. Therefore, appreciating and understanding the aesthetic value of the arts can help people develop a diverse perspective on life.

Moreover, the arts also play a vital role in preserving cultural identity. They represent the culture of a people, reflecting their activities and customs in contemporary society. To illustrate, Dong Ho paintings, a form of Vietnamese traditional art with a history spanning over 300 years, depict daily activities, customs, and festivals of the people. Thus, studying this art form can be seen as a means of learning about our traditions, and understanding cultural arts fosters a love for and preservation of cultural identity.

On the other hand, science, technology, and business also contribute significantly to our modern society. First and foremost, these fields offer financial benefits for individuals. The development of cutting-edge AI has significantly enhanced productivity. A 2022 study in the United States demonstrated that 48% of office workers earn higher incomes due to increased productivity in their work, thanks to the support of AI tools. Another advantage of science, technology, and business is their contribution to the economic development of society as a whole. Breakthrough technological advancements can be applied in business to generate more revenue, stimulating various activities within society.

In conclusion, while science, technology, and business can bring considerable financial benefits to individuals and society, the advantages of the arts—such as the diverse perspectives they offer and the cultural identity they represent—should not be overlooked. Striking a balance between these two realms is essential for a well-rounded society.