As countries develop, their populations tend to live individually or in small family units. What are the causes of this trend and what are the effects on society?

As countries develop, their populations tend to live individually or in small family units.

What are the causes of this trend and what are the effects on society?

Due to the rapid development of the world, along with an abundant supply of housing units and a tendency of working or studying apart from families, modern people are less likely to live together in the same house. In my opinion, despite the health drawbacks, this shift in choices is a positive overall on account of economic implications.
Such a change in the number of inhabitants living under the same roof is attributable to the prevalence of budget accommodations and growing opportunities to live far from their homeland. First and foremost might be a rise in the number of cheaper places to live, especially studios and small apartments available for low-income workers and university students. As a result, they tend to rent or purchase one rather than live with their parents. In addition, previous generations used to be restricted to their villages or local communities for most of their life, whereas there are countless chances for highschool leavers or young adults to move out of their birthplace. Annually, millions of immigrants from the countryside go to urban areas in search of educational and employment opportunities, which requires them to leave and eventually live without their relatives.
From my perspective, this is decidely a positive phenomenon for human society as a while despite some negative impacts on overall mental wellness. It promotes a sense of independence and responsibility, creating a strong workforce for the community. In other words, living without their parents necessiates them to learn how to take care of themselves on their own, which boosts self-confidence and improve decision-making stills. All of these qualities are necessary traits of productive workers, who are capable of effectively handling assigned tasks in their workplaces. However, it is essential to be fully aware of its negative effects regarding mental health. As the young move out of their communal house, there might be fewer chances for parents to interact or spend time with their children. This might create mental disorders like depression or loneliness, which is, consequently, harmful for the community they belong to.
In conclusion, there are two main contributors to the trend of living independently rather than in an extended family, namely afforable accommodations and a preference to live in other cities or countries. Though it has some negative impacts on relationships, there are obvious positive consequences on economic advances.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Due to the rapid development of the world" -> "Owing to the rapid global development"
   Explanation: "Owing to" is a more formal alternative to "due to," and "global development" is a more precise term than "the world," which is vague and overly broad.

2. "an abundant supply of housing units" -> "an abundance of housing units"
   Explanation: "An abundance" is a more natural and precise term than "an abundant supply," which is redundant.

3. "a tendency of working or studying apart from families" -> "a trend of working or studying away from family"
   Explanation: "A trend" is more specific and academically appropriate than "a tendency," and "away from family" is clearer and more formal than "apart from families."

4. "less likely to live together" -> "less inclined to reside together"
   Explanation: "Less inclined to reside together" is more formal and precise than "less likely to live together."

5. "despite the health drawbacks" -> "despite the health drawbacks"
   Explanation: This is a typographical error; the word "despite" should be followed by a comma.

6. "a positive overall" -> "a predominantly positive"
   Explanation: "Predominantly positive" is more specific and academically appropriate than "a positive overall," which is vague and informal.

7. "First and foremost might be a rise" -> "Firstly, it may be a rise"
   Explanation: "Firstly" is more formal than "First and foremost," and "it may be" is more precise than "might be" in formal writing.

8. "cheaper places to live" -> "more affordable housing"
   Explanation: "More affordable housing" is a more precise and formal term than "cheaper places to live."

9. "highschool leavers" -> "high school graduates"
   Explanation: "High school graduates" is the correct term, whereas "highschool leavers" is informal and incorrect.

10. "Annually, millions of immigrants" -> "Each year, millions of migrants"
    Explanation: "Each year" is more formal than "Annually," and "migrants" is more appropriate than "immigrants" in this context, as it refers to people moving for work or other reasons, not necessarily for political or legal reasons.

11. "decidely a positive phenomenon" -> "decisively a positive phenomenon"
    Explanation: "Decisively" is the correct spelling, not "decidely."

12. "as a while" -> "as a whole"
    Explanation: "As a whole" is the correct phrase, not "as a while," which is incorrect and unclear.

13. "necessiates them to learn" -> "requires them to learn"
    Explanation: "Requires" is the correct verb in this context, not "necessiates," which is a typographical error.

14. "improve decision-making stills" -> "enhance decision-making skills"
    Explanation: "Enhance decision-making skills" is a more precise and formal expression than "improve decision-making stills," which is awkward and incorrect.

15. "affordable accommodations" -> "affordable housing"
    Explanation: "Affordable housing" is a standard term in academic and formal contexts, whereas "accommodations" is less specific and slightly informal.

16. "economic advances" -> "economic advancements"
    Explanation: "Advancements" is the correct term for progress or improvement in a field, whereas "advances" is less formal and slightly vague.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt: the causes of the trend towards individual living and its effects on society. The causes are clearly articulated, such as the availability of affordable housing and the mobility of young adults seeking opportunities. The effects are also discussed, highlighting both positive aspects like independence and negative impacts on mental health. However, the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of the effects, as the positive aspects are emphasized more than the negative ones.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should aim to provide a more equal discussion of both positive and negative effects. This could involve elaborating on specific negative societal impacts, such as the potential decline in community cohesion or increased isolation among individuals, to ensure a comprehensive view of the topic.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the trend of living individually is overall positive, despite some drawbacks. The writer consistently supports this viewpoint throughout the essay. However, the transition between discussing causes and effects could be smoother, as the shift from one to the other feels somewhat abrupt.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer could use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For example, explicitly linking the causes to the effects by stating how each cause contributes to specific effects would create a more cohesive narrative.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, particularly regarding the causes of the trend, and supports them with relevant examples, such as the mention of affordable housing and migration for work or study. However, some ideas, particularly regarding the effects on mental health, could be further developed with more specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples or evidence to support claims. For instance, discussing specific studies or statistics related to mental health issues arising from living alone could add depth to the argument and enhance credibility.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the causes and effects of living individually. However, there are moments where the discussion of mental health feels slightly tangential, particularly when the writer mentions "mental disorders like depression or loneliness" without fully connecting it back to the main argument about societal effects.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly ties back to the main argument. This could involve explicitly linking the discussion of mental health to the broader societal implications, ensuring that all points contribute to the overall thesis of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, it could benefit from a more balanced exploration of effects, smoother transitions, deeper development of ideas, and tighter focus on the topic. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the overall quality of the essay and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the author’s opinion. The body paragraphs are organized to discuss causes and effects separately, which aids in understanding. For instance, the first body paragraph effectively identifies causes related to housing and migration, while the second body paragraph discusses the positive and negative effects on society. However, the transition between the causes and effects could be more explicit to enhance the logical flow.
  • How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that explicitly state the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, transitional phrases such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely" can help clarify shifts between discussing causes and effects, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument’s progression.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. The introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion are distinct, which contributes to readability. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer separation of ideas, as it currently blends positive and negative effects without distinct delineation.
  • How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, consider separating the discussion of positive and negative effects into two distinct paragraphs. This would allow for a more thorough exploration of each point and provide a clearer structure. For example, one paragraph could focus solely on the benefits of living independently, while another could address the potential drawbacks.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "in addition," and "however," which help link ideas within and between paragraphs. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some phrases are repeated, which can detract from the overall fluency of the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "in addition," consider alternatives like "furthermore," "moreover," or "besides." Additionally, using pronouns effectively can help maintain cohesion without redundancy. For example, referring back to "this trend" or "these changes" can enhance the flow of ideas.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the overall band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with terms such as "abundant supply," "budget accommodations," and "mental disorders." These phrases contribute to a clear understanding of the topic. However, some vocabulary choices are somewhat repetitive or lack variation, such as "live together" and "live apart," which could be expressed with synonyms or alternative phrases to enhance lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating synonyms or related terms to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly using "live," you could use "reside," "inhabit," or "dwell." Additionally, using more sophisticated vocabulary related to societal trends, such as "individualism" or "urbanization," could elevate the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "decidedly a positive phenomenon for human society as a while" is awkward and unclear. The term "as a while" does not fit contextually and detracts from the clarity of the argument. Similarly, "improve decision-making stills" contains a spelling error ("stills" should be "skills") that affects precision.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, focus on clarity and correctness in word choice. Revise awkward phrases for clarity, such as changing "as a while" to "overall." Additionally, proofreading for spelling errors is crucial; consider using spell-check tools or reading the essay aloud to catch mistakes.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "afforable" (should be "affordable") and "necessiates" (should be "necessitates"). These errors can detract from the overall quality of the writing and may lead to misunderstandings.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, regular practice with spelling exercises and using tools like dictionaries or spell-check software can be beneficial. Additionally, creating a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can help reinforce correct spelling in future writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with some effective expressions, there are areas for improvement in variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. Addressing these aspects will help elevate the lexical resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and a mix of simple and compound sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "Due to the rapid development of the world" and "In addition, previous generations used to be restricted" showcases an ability to construct varied sentence types. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way ideas are introduced (e.g., "First and foremost" and "In addition"). This can make the writing feel somewhat formulaic.
  • How to improve: To enhance thevariety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more introductory phrases or clauses that differ from the common transitions used. Experiment with starting sentences in different ways, such as using adverbial clauses (e.g., "Although many people prefer to live alone, the benefits of communal living cannot be overlooked") or varying the placement of the subject and verb for emphasis.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from the overall quality. For instance, phrases like "this shift in choices is a positive overall" should be "this shift in choices is positive overall" for clarity. Additionally, the sentence "which boosts self-confidence and improve decision-making stills" contains a subject-verb agreement error; "improve" should be "improves." Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are areas where commas could enhance readability, such as before conjunctions in compound sentences.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that verbs match their subjects in number and tense. Additionally, review punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences. Reading the essay aloud can help identify areas where pauses are needed, indicating where commas might be beneficial. Lastly, consider proofreading for common errors, such as typos (e.g., "stills" should be "skills") and ensuring consistent use of articles (e.g., "affordable accommodations" instead of "afforable accommodations").

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of grammatical range and accuracy, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

Due to the rapid global development, along with an abundance of housing units and a trend of working or studying away from family, modern individuals are less inclined to reside together in the same household. In my opinion, despite thehealth drawbacks, this shift in living arrangements is predominantly positive owing to its economic implications.

Such a change in the number of inhabitants living under the same roof can be attributed to the prevalence of affordable housing and the growing opportunities to live far from their homeland. Firstly, there has been a rise in the availability of budget accommodations, particularly studios and small apartments that cater to low-income workers and university students. As a result, they tend to rent or purchase these units rather than live with their parents. Additionally, previous generations were often confined to their villages or local communities for most of their lives, whereas countless opportunities now exist for high school graduates or young adults to move out of their birthplace. Each year, millions of migrants from rural areas relocate to urban centers in search of educational and employment opportunities, which requires them to leave and ultimately live independently from their relatives.

From my perspective, this is decisively a positive phenomenon for society as a whole, despite some negative impacts on overall mental wellness. It fosters a sense of independence and responsibility, thereby creating a stronger workforce for the community. In other words, living without their parents necessitates that young individuals learn how to take care of themselves, which boosts self-confidence and enhances decision-making skills. All of these qualities are essential traits of productive workers, who are capable of effectively handling assigned tasks in their workplaces. However, it is crucial to remain aware of the negative effects on mental health. As young people move out of their family homes, there may be fewer opportunities for parents to interact or spend time with their children. This can lead to mental health issues such as depression or loneliness, which are consequently harmful to the communities they belong to.

In conclusion, there are two main contributors to the trend of living independently rather than in extended families: affordable housing and a preference for living in different cities or countries. Although it has some negative impacts on relationships, the positive consequences for economic advancements are evident.