As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Arguably, it is commented that entities trading in a specific region should not only be focused on profiting. However, they should care for the local communities. Personally, I strongly agree with the view since enterprises have responsibilities to develop neighbourhoods. Although this development is highly criticised by managers. This essay will shed light on both sides of the view and provide anecdotal evidence to prove the arguments.

On the one hand, businesses are accountable for the local district advancement. In other words, once they are exploring raw materials, lands or other sorts of goods or services inward communities they should bear their expenses. For instance, a Mozambique's company, Mozal is devoted to aluminium exploitation in the Beluluane area, once it is making money through the raw material of this small area, the enterprise builds schools, roadways, and employs the local youth. As a result, both are the greater winners, the local folk and the company. It is the overriding reason for high develop small lands in Spain.

On the other hand, shareholders regard social responsibility as financial resources consuming. Because of the escalated quantity of resources utilized in social activities, the owners of these institutions criticise the development. 60% of business institutions are found it a hardship to help societies where they operate to exemplify. It is pointed out by the new research carried out by the University of Southampton. Hence, there are soared conflicts between the businesses owners and communities. Moreover, It is the prime purpose for the shortfall in an agreement between woodcutters and the African crowd.

To sum up, notwithstanding the lack of support from the shareholders of businesses, these explorers should collaborate and help the local livings owing to the fact that they lately depend on the local resources. Therefore, I still strongly agree with the statement. I would go as far as to say, the local regime instils stricter measures to protect throng interests.

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Errors and Improvements:

"it is commented that" -> "it is argued that"
Explanation: "It is commented that" is an awkward construction in this context. "It is argued that" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.
"entities trading" -> "corporations operating"
Explanation: "Entities trading" is vague and informal. "Corporations operating" is specific and maintains a formal tone.
"care for" -> "support"
Explanation: "Care for" is too informal and broad for this context. "Support" is more precise and suitable for academic language.
"develop neighbourhoods" -> "foster community development"
Explanation: "Develop neighbourhoods" is a simplistic expression. "Foster community development" is more comprehensive and academically appropriate.
"highly criticised" -> "strongly criticized"
Explanation: "Highly criticised" is less common in formal writing. "Strongly criticized" is the preferred term in academic discourse.
"shed light on" -> "examine"
Explanation: "Shed light on" is an idiom that might be considered too informal for academic writing. "Examine" is straightforward and fits the academic style.
"provide anecdotal evidence" -> "present empirical evidence"
Explanation: "Anecdotal evidence" suggests information based on personal accounts rather than research. "Empirical evidence" is more appropriate for academic arguments, implying data and research support.
"accountable for the local district advancement" -> "responsible for advancing local communities"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed. "Responsible for advancing local communities" is clearer and more formal.
"exploring raw materials, lands" -> "extracting raw materials, utilizing lands"
Explanation: "Exploring" is too vague and can imply mere investigation. "Extracting" and "utilizing" are more precise verbs that accurately describe the actions of businesses.
"bear their expenses" -> "cover these costs"
Explanation: "Bear their expenses" is informal and ambiguous. "Cover these costs" is direct and clearer in an academic context.
"devoted to aluminium exploitation" -> "engaged in aluminium extraction"
Explanation: "Exploitation" can have negative connotations. "Extraction" is a neutral term that accurately describes the process.
"greater winners" -> "primary beneficiaries"
Explanation: "Greater winners" is informal and lacks precision. "Primary beneficiaries" is formal and clearly conveys who benefits.
"high develop small lands" -> "significantly develop smaller regions"
Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and grammatically incorrect. "Significantly develop smaller regions" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"financial resources consuming" -> "consumptive of financial resources"
Explanation: "Financial resources consuming" is awkward and unclear. "Consumptive of financial resources" is more formal and flows better.
"found it a hardship" -> "found it challenging"
Explanation: "Found it a hardship" is an awkward construction. "Found it challenging" is clearer and more appropriate for formal writing.
"soared conflicts" -> "increased conflicts"
Explanation: "Soared conflicts" is not a standard expression. "Increased conflicts" is clear and suitable for academic text.
"the shortfall in an agreement" -> "the lack of agreement"
Explanation: "The shortfall in an agreement" is unclear and overly complicated. "The lack of agreement" is straightforward and more precise.
"these explorers" -> "these corporations"
Explanation: "These explorers" is vague and can be misleading. "These corporations" is specific and appropriate for the context.
"local livings" -> "local communities"
Explanation: "Local livings" is an unusual and unclear term. "Local communities" is the correct term and is academically appropriate.
"owing to the fact that" -> "given that"
Explanation: "Owing to the fact that" is wordy and can be simplified. "Given that" is concise and maintains formality.
"I would go as far as to say" -> "It is therefore recommended"
Explanation: "I would go as far as to say" is too conversational and personal for academic writing. "It is therefore recommended" is formal and fits the academic tone.
"throng interests" -> "public interests"
Explanation: "Throng" is an unusual and unclear term in this context. "Public interests" is clear and appropriate for formal academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument regarding businesses’ social responsibilities. It acknowledges the need for businesses to care for local communities beyond solely focusing on profit. The introduction introduces the topic and presents the writer’s stance clearly.
- How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to a specific aspect of the prompt. Additionally, provide more specific examples or evidence to support the arguments presented.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer’s position is clearly stated in the introduction and maintained throughout the essay. However, there are moments where the clarity could be improved, particularly in the transition between paragraphs.
- How to improve: Strengthen the transitions between paragraphs to maintain a smooth flow of ideas and reinforce the essay’s stance consistently. Clearly restate the position at the beginning of each body paragraph to reinforce clarity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth and development. Examples provided are somewhat relevant but lack specificity and detailed elaboration. There is an attempt to support the arguments, but it falls short of providing compelling evidence.
- How to improve: Provide more detailed examples and evidence to support each argument. Develop ideas further by explaining the implications and consequences of businesses fulfilling or neglecting their social responsibilities. Use real-world examples with clear explanations to strengthen the argumentation.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay predominantly stays on topic by discussing the social responsibilities of businesses, there are instances of tangential discussion, such as the reference to conflicts between woodcutters and African communities. These tangents detract from the coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: Maintain a laser focus on the topic of businesses’ social responsibilities throughout the essay. Avoid introducing tangential issues that do not directly relate to the central argument. Instead, devote all content to elaborating on the main points and supporting arguments.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, there is room for improvement in providing more comprehensive examples, maintaining clarity and consistency of position, developing ideas with depth, and staying strictly on topic. With refinement in these areas, the essay could achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present arguments both in support of and against the idea that businesses have social responsibilities beyond mere profit-making. However, the organization of ideas is somewhat disjointed. The introduction sets up the argument but lacks clarity due to awkward phrasing and unclear expression of the thesis. The body paragraphs address the two perspectives but could benefit from a clearer progression of ideas. Additionally, the conclusion could better summarize the main points presented in the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the thesis statement. Provide smoother transitions between paragraphs to guide the reader through the argument more effectively. Consider revising the introduction to clearly state the author’s stance and outline the main points that will be discussed.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, but the structure and effectiveness of these paragraphs vary. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas, making them cumbersome and difficult to follow. For instance, the paragraph discussing the negative viewpoint lacks coherence due to the inclusion of disparate ideas related to resource utilization and conflicts between businesses and communities.
- How to improve: Aim for more concise and focused paragraphs, each addressing a single main idea related to the thesis statement. Break down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to improve readability and clarity. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that serves as a roadmap for the reader.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "To sum up"). However, there is limited variety, and some transitions are abrupt, leading to a choppy flow of ideas. Additionally, there is a lack of cohesive devices within paragraphs to connect sentences and maintain coherence.
- How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used throughout the essay, including conjunctions, transitional phrases, and pronouns, to create smoother transitions between ideas. Within paragraphs, use cohesive devices such as pronouns, parallel structure, and transitional words to ensure coherence at the sentence level. Practice integrating these devices seamlessly to improve the overall cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary with some attempts at using varied terminology. There are instances where synonyms are used, such as "entities" for "businesses" and "develop" for "advance," which contribute to the variety of vocabulary. However, the range is limited, and some terms are repeated unnecessarily ("once they," "local," "communities"). Examples such as "devoted," "escalated," and "conflicts" show a reasonable attempt at lexical diversity, but more nuanced vocabulary could enhance the depth of expression.
- How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more precise and sophisticated terms related to business, social responsibility, and community development. Use synonyms sparingly and aim for a broader array of vocabulary choices to convey ideas more effectively. Reading widely and learning new vocabulary related to the topic can help expand the range of expression.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay sometimes lacks precision in vocabulary usage, leading to instances of ambiguity or imprecise expression. For example, "entities trading" could be clarified to "business entities," "commented" could be replaced with "argued," and "highly criticised" could be substituted with "strongly opposed." Additionally, phrases like "exploring raw materials, lands or other sorts of goods or services inward communities" are somewhat convoluted and could be more precisely articulated.
- How to improve: To enhance precision in vocabulary usage, focus on selecting words and phrases that accurately convey the intended meaning. Avoid vague or ambiguous terms, opting instead for specific and concise language. When introducing concepts, strive for clarity and simplicity in expression to ensure the reader understands the intended message without confusion.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy varies throughout the essay. While some words are spelled correctly ("advancement," "resources"), there are several instances of misspellings or errors, such as "commented" instead of "commonly," "advancement" instead of "advancing," and "instils" instead of "instigates." These errors detract from the overall readability and professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-checking tools or proofreading techniques to identify and correct errors before submitting the essay. Additionally, practice spelling commonly used words and pay attention to specific terminology relevant to the topic of the essay. Reading aloud or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify spelling mistakes that may have been overlooked.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there’s a lack of complex sentence structures or variation in sentence length, which affects the overall fluency and sophistication of the writing. The majority of sentences follow a subject-verb-object pattern, leading to monotony and limited stylistic flair. While some attempts at complexity are made, such as introducing dependent clauses, they are not consistently executed throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the essay’s grammatical range and improve effectiveness, strive for greater variety in sentence structures. Incorporate complex sentences with subordinate clauses, such as relative clauses, conditional sentences, and participial phrases, to add depth and sophistication to your writing. Vary the length of sentences to create rhythm and maintain reader engagement. Additionally, experiment with rhetorical devices like parallelism and inversion to further diversify your writing style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay displays a fair level of grammatical accuracy, but there are noticeable errors throughout the text. These errors include issues with subject-verb agreement, article usage, word choice, and preposition placement. For example, "it is commented" should be "it is commonly argued," "exploring inward communities" could be clarified as "exploiting resources within communities," and "the prime purpose for the shortfall" should be "a primary cause of the conflict."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on thorough proofreading and revision. Pay particular attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring that verbs agree in number with their subjects. Review the appropriate use of articles (definite, indefinite, or zero article) in context. Be mindful of word choice, selecting precise and appropriate terms to convey your intended meaning. Additionally, work on improving preposition usage and placement to clarify relationships between words and phrases in sentences. Consider consulting grammar guides or seeking feedback from peers or instructors to address specific areas of weakness.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the prompt and presents relevant arguments, enhancing grammatical range and accuracy would significantly strengthen the clarity and persuasiveness of the writing. By incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures and refining grammatical precision, you can elevate the sophistication and coherence of your essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is argued that corporations operating in specific regions should not solely focus on making profits but also support and foster community development. Personally, I strongly agree with this view, as enterprises have a responsibility to contribute to the advancement of local neighborhoods. Although this perspective is often strongly criticized by managers, it is essential to examine both sides of the argument and present empirical evidence to support it.

On one hand, businesses are responsible for advancing local communities. When they are involved in activities such as extracting raw materials or utilizing lands within communities, they should cover the associated costs. For example, Mozal, a company operating in Mozambique, engages in aluminum extraction in the Beluluane area. In return, the company invests in building schools, roads, and providing employment opportunities for local youth. Consequently, both the local community and the company benefit, leading to significant development in smaller regions, as seen in Spain.

On the other hand, shareholders often view social responsibility initiatives as consumptive of financial resources. Due to the increased allocation of resources towards social activities, owners of these corporations criticize such developments. A recent study conducted by the University of Southampton revealed that 60% of business institutions find it challenging to support the communities where they operate. Consequently, conflicts between business owners and local communities escalate, leading to a lack of agreement, as observed in disputes between woodcutters and African communities.

In conclusion, despite the lack of support from business shareholders, these corporations should collaborate and assist local communities, given that they rely on local resources. Therefore, I still strongly agree with the statement. It is recommended that local governments implement stricter measures to protect public interests in light of these dependencies.