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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

In some countries nowadays, population pattern has witnessed a change in which young adults outnumber older citizens. The instability of population distribution may hurt the job market in the short term but may also incentivize the development of society in long term. From my standpoint, there are many advantages when the majority of population is younger adults. This essay will analyze why I believe that the inconvenience of this trend is outweighed by its merits.
There are many drawbacks of young people outnumbering senior citizens. The increase of young population in some countries can make the job market become a competitive place. The raise of working-age population accompanies with the hardship in seeking job, creating a fierce rivalry to get a work among young adults. So, there will be a little chance for being employed or accepted in prestigious educational institutions for qualifications. Furthermore, young people may be unable to pay for education of youthful population. Therefore, this can lead to early drop out from school and less productive workforce for future.
However, a relatively large number of young adults also offers bunch of advantages. Younger generation tend to have a well-adaptation in specific jobs such as entertainment, online shopping or some jobs required physical demanding. These develop aspects will make huge profit for government to upgrade infrastructure and public services. Furthermore, another upside is that economic innovations are more likely to appear when young people increase. As young people are more acute in term of using technology and high responsibility of polishing their soft skills.
In conclusion, the unbalance between younger and older citizens can have some obstacles. But, positively, the explosion of young people may get unpredictable merits for society.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "population pattern" -> "demographic pattern"
    Explanation: Replacing "population pattern" with "demographic pattern" is more academically precise and formal. It aligns better with the context of discussing population changes.

  2. "witnessed a change" -> "experienced a shift"
    Explanation: "Experienced a shift" is a more formal and descriptive phrase than "witnessed a change," which adds clarity to the sentence.

  3. "young adults outnumber" -> "young adults surpass"
    Explanation: "Surpass" is a more formal term than "outnumber" and is often used in academic contexts to describe one group exceeding another in number.

  4. "The instability of population distribution" -> "The fluctuation in population distribution"
    Explanation: "Fluctuation" is a more precise term than "instability" and maintains a formal tone.

  5. "may hurt the job market" -> "may adversely impact the job market"
    Explanation: "Adversely impact" is a more formal and specific phrase than "hurt" in academic writing.

  6. "inconvenience" -> "disadvantages"
    Explanation: "Disadvantages" is a more formal term than "inconvenience" and conveys a stronger sense of negative consequences.

  7. "drawbacks of young people" -> "challenges posed by a younger population"
    Explanation: "Challenges posed by a younger population" is a more formal and precise way to describe the negative aspects associated with a larger youth demographic.

  8. "raise of working-age population" -> "increase in the working-age population"
    Explanation: "Increase in the working-age population" is a grammatically correct and more precise phrase for this context.

  9. "a little chance" -> "limited opportunity"
    Explanation: "Limited opportunity" is a more formal and specific phrase than "a little chance."

  10. "being employed or accepted" -> "gaining employment or admission"
    Explanation: "Gaining employment or admission" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea.

  11. "youthful population" -> "young population"
    Explanation: "Young population" is a more straightforward and formal term for describing the demographic group in question.

  12. "unbalance" -> "imbalance"
    Explanation: "Imbalance" is a more formal and accurate term for describing the uneven distribution of younger and older citizens in the population.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of having a larger population of young adults compared to older people. The introduction sets the stage by mentioning the change in population patterns and outlines the stance of the essay.

    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, consider providing a more explicit roadmap in the introduction by briefly mentioning the advantages and disadvantages that will be discussed. This can help readers anticipate the essay’s structure.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout. The author states a preference for the advantages of a younger population and consistently supports this viewpoint in the subsequent paragraphs. There is no ambiguity in the stance.

    • How to improve: No improvement is necessary in terms of presenting a clear position.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports its ideas. It provides specific examples and explanations for both the advantages and disadvantages of a younger population. For instance, it discusses the impact on the job market, education, and economic innovation.

    • How to improve: While the essay does a good job overall, there is room for further elaboration on some points. For instance, when discussing the advantages of a younger population, providing more concrete examples or statistics could strengthen the argument. Additionally, in the disadvantages section, elaborating on the potential long-term consequences of a less productive workforce and dropouts from school would add depth to the analysis.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively stays on topic and does not deviate from the main question. It consistently discusses the advantages and disadvantages of a younger population and does not introduce unrelated ideas.

    • How to improve: No specific improvement is needed in this regard.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses the advantages and disadvantages of a younger population. To improve further, the author can focus on providing more detailed examples and expanding on certain points to strengthen the argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonably logical organization. It begins with an introduction that briefly outlines the topic and the author’s stance. The body paragraphs discuss both advantages and disadvantages of a young adult-dominated population, followed by a concise conclusion summarizing the main points.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider a more structured approach within each body paragraph. Each paragraph could start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting examples and a concluding sentence. This will make the essay more organized and reader-friendly.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively. It consists of three distinct paragraphs: introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph serves its purpose in presenting the introduction, discussing advantages and disadvantages, and offering a conclusion.
    • How to improve: Continue to use paragraphs as you have in this essay, but ensure that within each body paragraph, there is a clear and coherent structure with topic sentences, supporting details, and concluding sentences.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay makes some use of cohesive devices to connect ideas and sentences, but there is room for improvement. For instance, transitional phrases like "Furthermore," and "In conclusion" are used appropriately to guide the reader through the essay.
    • How to improve: To strengthen cohesion, incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices such as pronouns ("this," "these," "those"), linking words ("however," "although"), and synonyms to avoid repetition. This will create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, which is reflected in the final band score of 6. To further improve, focus on enhancing paragraph structure and diversifying cohesive devices for a more polished and organized essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonably wide range of vocabulary, with words such as "incentivize," "instability," "hardship," "prestigious," "infrastructure," and "explosion" contributing to a varied lexical resource. However, there is still room for improvement as some vocabulary choices are repetitive, such as "young adults" and "population."
    • How to improve: To further enhance vocabulary diversity, consider using synonyms and exploring more nuanced words to avoid repetition. For example, you can substitute "young adults" with terms like "youth" or "the younger generation" where appropriate.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with a degree of precision, but there are instances where word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "well-adaptation" might benefit from a more precise word like "proficiency" or "aptitude." Additionally, some expressions like "explosion of young people" could be more specific or clearer.
    • How to improve: Aim to use words that accurately convey your intended meaning. In the case of "well-adaptation," consider alternatives like "proficiency" or "competence." For "explosion of young people," elaborate on the specific aspects or consequences of this phenomenon to provide a clearer picture.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally acceptable, but there are a few notable errors, such as "well-adaptation" (should be "well-adapted"), "unbalance" (should be "imbalance"), and "incentivize" (should be "incentive"). These errors do not significantly hinder understanding but could be improved.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to spelling when writing, and consider proofreading or using spell-checking tools to catch errors. Familiarize yourself with commonly misspelled words and practice correct spelling consistently.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of lexical resource with a fairly wide vocabulary range. To improve, focus on using more precise vocabulary where necessary and ensuring consistent spelling accuracy. Additionally, work on reducing repetitive phrases by exploring synonyms and alternatives.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of sentence structures, including simple sentences, compound sentences, and complex sentences. It effectively uses different sentence types to convey ideas and maintain readability. For example, it uses complex sentences like "The raise of working-age population accompanies with the hardship in seeking job," demonstrating the ability to construct intricate sentences. However, there is some room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further to add more sophistication to the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences, rhetorical questions, and conditional sentences where appropriate. These can elevate the overall sophistication of the essay. Additionally, pay attention to the use of transitional phrases to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates reasonably accurate grammar and punctuation usage throughout. There are some minor grammatical errors and punctuation issues that do not significantly impede comprehension. For example, "The instability of population distribution may hurt the job market in the short term but may also incentivize the development of society in the long term" contains a subject-verb agreement error ("may incentivize" would be more accurate). There are also minor issues with sentence structure and word choice, such as "raise of working-age population," where "increase" might be a more suitable term.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, proofread the essay carefully for subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and word choice. Consider using a grammar checker or seeking feedback from peers to identify and rectify minor errors. Additionally, pay attention to articles (e.g., "the" or "a") and prepositions, as these can also affect grammatical accuracy. Developing a stronger command of English grammar rules will further enhance the overall quality of your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In some countries today, the demographic pattern has experienced a shift where young adults surpass the number of older citizens. The fluctuation in population distribution may adversely impact the job market in the short term, but it may also incentivize the long-term development of society. From my perspective, there are many advantages when the majority of the population consists of younger adults. This essay will analyze why I believe that the disadvantages of this trend are outweighed by its merits.

There are several disadvantages of having young people outnumbering senior citizens. The increase in the working-age population can make the job market highly competitive. The rise in the number of young adults seeking employment creates fierce rivalry in securing a job. Consequently, there will be limited opportunities for gaining employment or admission to prestigious educational institutions based on qualifications. Furthermore, young people may face difficulties affording education, leading to early dropouts from school and a less productive workforce in the future.

However, a relatively large number of young adults also offer a plethora of advantages. The younger generation tends to have a strong adaptation to specific jobs, such as entertainment, online shopping, or physically demanding work. These developments can generate significant profits for the government, enabling the upgrade of infrastructure and public services. Additionally, another advantage is that economic innovations are more likely to emerge when young people increase in numbers. Young individuals are more adept at using technology and have a high sense of responsibility in refining their soft skills.

In conclusion, the imbalance between younger and older citizens can pose some challenges, particularly in the job market and education. Nevertheless, the presence of a growing young population can bring unpredictable benefits to society.

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