CA1
CA1
For many years, scientists have researched and warned us about limiting energy consumption and finding solutions to protect the environment. From my perspective, there are a lot of causes leading to excessive energy use and environmental protection, but besides that, people also have distinct solutions.
One of the causes of this problem is due to uncontrolled electricity usage habits, especially in some households in Ho Chi Minh City. While the devices are not in use, people still turn them on and connect to the power source. Moreover, in the summer, the amount of electricity consumed increasing significantly by many other devices likes fan and refrigerators. In addition, many factories lack investment in new equipment to improve electricity use efficiency. That is also part of the reason why factories in my country spend a lot of money on using electric.
On the other hand, to protect the environment and limit electricity consumption, a number of way have been proposed. First of all, the government should encourage people to use electricity more reasonably in each household and encourage factory investors to maintain equipment on time. Furthermore, you should get into the habit of using public transportation and devices that operate on renewable energy. This will improve the amount of CO2 emitted into the air and create a less polluted environment.
In summary, a number of causes lead to excessive energy use by people and factories, but at the same time can be solved by the proposed measures to overcome them.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"For many years" -> "For a considerable period"
Explanation: "For a considerable period" is more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone of the introduction. -
"researched and warned us" -> "studied and cautioned"
Explanation: "Studied and cautioned" is more formal and academically appropriate than "researched and warned us," which sounds somewhat conversational. -
"there are a lot of causes" -> "there are numerous causes"
Explanation: "Numerous" is more precise and formal than "a lot of," which is too colloquial for academic writing. -
"people also have distinct solutions" -> "individuals also possess distinct solutions"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "possess" is more precise than "have" in this context, enhancing the academic tone. -
"due to uncontrolled electricity usage habits" -> "attributable to unregulated electricity usage habits"
Explanation: "Attributable to" is more formal and precise than "due to," and "unregulated" is more specific than "uncontrolled" in this context, referring to the lack of governance or management. -
"While the devices are not in use" -> "Even when devices are not in use"
Explanation: "Even when" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "While," which can imply a condition that is not necessarily true. -
"likes fan and refrigerators" -> "such as fans and refrigerators"
Explanation: "Such as" is the correct phrase for introducing examples, whereas "likes" is an informal and incorrect usage in this context. -
"That is also part of the reason why factories in my country spend a lot of money on using electric" -> "This is also a contributing factor to the significant expenditure by factories in my country on electricity"
Explanation: The revised sentence is more formal and clarifies the relationship between the cause and effect, improving the academic tone. -
"a number of way have been proposed" -> "several methods have been proposed"
Explanation: "Several methods" is more precise and formal than "a number of way," which is grammatically incorrect and informal. -
"you should get into the habit of using" -> "it is recommended to adopt the habit of using"
Explanation: "It is recommended to adopt the habit of using" is more formal and less direct than "you should get into the habit of using," which is somewhat informal and conversational. -
"devices that operate on renewable energy" -> "devices powered by renewable energy"
Explanation: "Powered by" is a more precise and formal way to describe the source of energy in this context. -
"improve the amount of CO2 emitted into the air" -> "reduce the amount of CO2 emissions"
Explanation: "Reduce the amount of CO2 emissions" is more accurate and formal, as it correctly uses the term "emissions" and avoids the vague "improve," which is not specific in this context. -
"create a less polluted environment" -> "contribute to a cleaner environment"
Explanation: "Contribute to a cleaner environment" is more precise and formal than "create a less polluted environment," which is somewhat vague and informal. -
"a number of causes lead to" -> "several factors contribute to"
Explanation: "Several factors contribute to" is more formal and precise than "a number of causes lead to," which is less specific and less formal.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing causes of excessive energy consumption and proposing solutions. However, it lacks depth in exploring these causes and solutions. For instance, while it mentions uncontrolled electricity usage habits and factory inefficiencies, it does not elaborate on how these contribute to the larger issue of environmental degradation. The solutions proposed are somewhat generic and lack specificity, making it difficult to see a clear connection between the causes and the suggested solutions.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should provide more detailed examples and explanations for both causes and solutions. For instance, they could include statistics on energy consumption or specific initiatives that have been successful in other regions. This would not only enhance the argument but also demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that acknowledges both causes and solutions but lacks a strong, consistent stance. The phrase "from my perspective" suggests a personal opinion, but the essay does not consistently reinforce this viewpoint throughout. The transitions between discussing causes and solutions are somewhat abrupt, which can confuse the reader about the writer’s overall position.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and refer back to it in the conclusion. Using transition phrases can help guide the reader through the argument and reinforce the writer’s stance. Additionally, integrating personal insights or reflections on the implications of the issues discussed could strengthen the position.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are basic and lack sufficient development. For example, the mention of "uncontrolled electricity usage habits" is not supported by specific examples or evidence. The solutions offered are also vague, such as "encourage people to use electricity more reasonably," which does not provide actionable steps or detailed reasoning.
- How to improve: To effectively present, extend, and support ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. This could involve providing specific examples, data, or case studies that illustrate the causes and solutions discussed. Additionally, the writer could benefit from using a structured approach, such as the PEEL (Point, Evidence, Explanation, Link) method, to ensure that each idea is thoroughly explored and supported.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on energy consumption and environmental protection. However, there are moments where the connection between ideas is weak. For instance, the transition from discussing household energy use to factory inefficiencies could be clearer to maintain the focus on the overarching theme of energy consumption.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly ties back to the main topic. Using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help clarify the main point and its relevance to the overall argument. Additionally, the writer should avoid introducing unrelated ideas or tangents that could distract from the main discussion.
In summary, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should aim for greater depth and specificity in addressing the prompt, maintain a clear and consistent position, thoroughly develop and support their ideas, and ensure that all content remains focused on the topic at hand.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing causes and solutions, and a conclusion. The logical flow is generally maintained, with the first paragraph outlining causes and the second addressing solutions. However, the transition between the causes and solutions could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing household energy consumption to factory inefficiencies lacks a clear connective statement that ties these ideas together.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transition phrases that explicitly link the causes to the proposed solutions. For example, after discussing the causes, a sentence like "To address these issues, several solutions can be implemented" would create a clearer connection between the two sections. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea of that paragraph.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. The first paragraph deals with causes, while the second discusses solutions. However, the second paragraph could be further divided into two distinct paragraphs: one for government actions and another for individual actions. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each solution.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, consider breaking down the second paragraph into two separate paragraphs. For example, one paragraph could focus on government initiatives, while the other could discuss individual actions like using public transportation. This would not only enhance clarity but also allow for more detailed explanations and examples within each paragraph.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the other hand" and "In addition," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "That is also part of the reason why factories in my country spend a lot of money on using electric" could be better linked to the previous sentence to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "Furthermore," "Moreover," or "Consequently" to introduce additional points or consequences. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help to create a smoother flow of information. For example, instead of repeating "electricity consumption," use "this issue" or "such practices" to maintain cohesion without redundancy.
By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to a better band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic of energy consumption and environmental protection. Terms such as "electricity usage habits," "renewable energy," and "polluted environment" show an attempt to engage with the subject matter. However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, with phrases like "electricity consumption" appearing multiple times without variation. Additionally, the use of terms like "a lot of causes" and "many other devices" lacks sophistication and could be enhanced with more precise alternatives.
- How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of "a lot of causes," the writer could use "numerous factors" or "various reasons." Additionally, incorporating more varied expressions for "devices" could enhance the richness of the vocabulary, such as "appliances," "equipment," or "gadgets."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to misunderstandings. For example, the phrase "the amount of electricity consumed increasing significantly by many other devices likes fan and refrigerators" is awkward and unclear. The word "likes" should be "like," and the phrase could be more clearly articulated. Additionally, the term "way" in "a number of way have been proposed" is incorrect in number and should be "ways."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should ensure subject-verb agreement and correct word forms. For instance, revising "the amount of electricity consumed increasing" to "the amount of electricity consumed is increasing" would clarify the meaning. Furthermore, using more specific verbs, such as "utilize" instead of "use," can enhance precision.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from the overall quality. For example, "increasing" is missing the auxiliary verb "is," and "way" should be pluralized to "ways." Additionally, "electric" in "spend a lot of money on using electric" should be "electricity" for accuracy. These errors suggest a lack of attention to detail in spelling and grammar.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrases and spelling mistakes. Additionally, utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can aid in reducing errors in future writing.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and attempts to use relevant vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and enhancing spelling practices, the writer can achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of introductory phrases such as "One of the causes of this problem is due to…" and "On the other hand…" effectively transitions between ideas. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the sentence "Moreover, in the summer, the amount of electricity consumed increasing significantly by many other devices likes fan and refrigerators" could be restructured for clarity and complexity.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "the amount of electricity consumed increasing significantly," you could say "the amount of electricity consumed increases significantly when many other devices, such as fans and refrigerators, are in use." Additionally, using more varied conjunctions and transition phrases can help improve the flow and complexity of your writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are several grammatical errors that detract from the overall quality. For instance, the phrase "the amount of electricity consumed increasing significantly" lacks the correct verb form and should be "the amount of electricity consumed increases significantly." Additionally, the phrase "a number of way have been proposed" should be corrected to "a number of ways have been proposed." Punctuation is generally used correctly, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "especially in some households in Ho Chi Minh City."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to review subject-verb agreement and verb forms. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on these areas can be beneficial. Furthermore, proofreading the essay for common errors and ensuring that all sentences are complete and correctly structured will help. Consider reading your essay aloud to catch any awkward phrasing or grammatical mistakes that may have been overlooked during the writing process.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and correcting grammatical errors will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
For many years, scientists have researched and cautioned us about limiting energy consumption and finding solutions to protect the environment. From my perspective, there are numerous causes leading to excessive energy use and environmental degradation, but besides that, individuals also possess distinct solutions.
One of the causes of this problem is attributable to unregulated electricity usage habits, especially in some households in Ho Chi Minh City. Even when devices are not in use, people still turn them on and connect them to the power source. Moreover, in the summer, the amount of electricity consumed increases significantly due to many other devices such as fans and refrigerators. In addition, many factories lack investment in new equipment to improve electricity use efficiency. This is also a contributing factor to the significant expenditure by factories in my country on electricity.
On the other hand, to protect the environment and limit electricity consumption, several methods have been proposed. First of all, the government should encourage people to use electricity more reasonably in each household and encourage factory investors to maintain equipment on time. Furthermore, it is recommended to adopt the habit of using public transportation and devices powered by renewable energy. This will reduce the amount of CO2 emissions into the air and contribute to a cleaner environment.
In summary, several factors contribute to excessive energy use by people and factories, but at the same time, these issues can be addressed by the proposed measures to overcome them.
