Childhood obesity has become a serious problem in recent years. What are the primary causes of this? What measures should be taken to reduce childhood obesity?

Childhood obesity has become a serious problem in recent years.
What are the primary causes of this? What measures should be taken to reduce childhood obesity?

Children have more facilities than in the past so they become lazy and interest in entertainment activities. Childhood has a tendency to eat more fast food in order to satisfy with their preferences. Thus, young children are prone to have a obesity disease in recent years. So what are the primary cause of this issue In my opinion the mainly reason for this is that childhood don’t can be strict from their parents. They can be comfortable and do anything they like that forced. Due to this problem children have more tending to have interests about outdoor activities. Diseases cannot play indoor activities and more than outdoor activities. They have become to solitary person, not connecting with their parents.

Another essential point to consider is their friends. An allowed to use their phone or laptop, which have immerse by their parents. They have a tendency to bought into social network, video games. So they dedicate a large number of time using their phone. They can eat more fast food such as chicken, chopstick, hamburgers and so on. Playing games at the same time. The percentage of childhood obesity has increased in those Countries nowadays. I do believe that parents and individuals should take many measures immediately to deal with this problem as soon as possible. Firstly, parents should need to strict to children. Parents should not allow children to use money on purchasing fast food. Additionally, individuals have to need to be aware of their overweight and concern about their lifestyle so that they can avoid becoming weak and having an wide amount of disease. What’s more, children are more likely to stay in shape and more confident than a mean. I think the awareness is the most effective solution to decrease the proportion of this issue today. To conclude, Ind obesity is still a serious problem that having many adverse effects on lifestyle and health people have to foster more awareness and care for them, turning over a new leaf so as have more self-confident, beautiful shape and protect them from disease and psychological disease.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Children have more facilities than in the past so they become lazy and interest in entertainment activities." -> "Children have more facilities than in the past, leading to their becoming less active and more interested in entertainment activities."
Explanation: The original phrase "Children have more facilities than in the past so they become lazy and interest in entertainment activities" is grammatically incorrect and awkwardly structured. The revised version corrects the grammatical errors and clarifies the cause-and-effect relationship between increased facilities and reduced activity levels.
"Childhood has a tendency to eat more fast food in order to satisfy with their preferences." -> "Children tend to consume more fast food to satisfy their preferences."
Explanation: The original phrase "Childhood has a tendency to eat more fast food in order to satisfy with their preferences" is awkward and incorrect. The revision simplifies and corrects the sentence structure, making it more direct and formal.
"young children are prone to have a obesity disease" -> "young children are more susceptible to obesity"
Explanation: The original phrase "prone to have a obesity disease" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The suggested change corrects the grammar and uses a more precise term for the condition.
"So what are the primary cause of this issue" -> "So what are the primary causes of this issue"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks the plural form "causes," which is necessary to match the plural subject "issues." The correction ensures grammatical accuracy.
"childhood don’t can be strict from their parents" -> "children cannot be strictly controlled by their parents"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revision clarifies the meaning and corrects the grammar.
"They can be comfortable and do anything they like that forced" -> "They can be comfortable and do whatever they like, which is often forced"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revision corrects the structure and clarifies the meaning.
"Diseases cannot play indoor activities and more than outdoor activities" -> "Children are less likely to engage in indoor activities and more likely to engage in outdoor activities"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning.
"They have become to solitary person, not connecting with their parents" -> "They have become solitary individuals, disconnected from their parents"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the grammar and enhances the formal tone.
"An allowed to use their phone or laptop" -> "They are allowed to use their phones or laptops"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the subject-verb agreement and pluralizes the nouns.
"which have immerse by their parents" -> "which are immersed by their parents"
Explanation: The original phrase contains a grammatical error. The correction fixes the verb tense and ensures grammatical accuracy.
"They have a tendency to bought into social network, video games." -> "They have a tendency to become immersed in social networks and video games."
Explanation: The original phrase contains a grammatical error and is unclear. The revision corrects the verb and clarifies the meaning.
"Playing games at the same time." -> "while playing games"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and informal. The revision integrates the phrase more smoothly into the sentence.
"I do believe that parents and individuals should take many measures immediately to deal with this problem as soon as possible." -> "I firmly believe that parents and individuals should take immediate measures to address this issue promptly."
Explanation: The original phrase is slightly informal and lacks precision. The revision enhances the formality and specificity.
"parents should need to strict to children" -> "parents should strictly discipline their children"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning.
"Playing games at the same time." -> "while playing games"
Explanation: The original phrase is redundant and informal. The revision eliminates redundancy and enhances formality.
"children are more likely to stay in shape and more confident than a mean" -> "children are more likely to stay in shape and become more confident than a mean"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revision corrects the verb tense and clarifies the meaning.
"I think the awareness is the most effective solution to decrease the proportion of this issue today." -> "I believe that increased awareness is the most effective solution to reduce the prevalence of this issue today."
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically awkward and vague. The revision corrects the verb and clarifies the meaning, enhancing the academic tone.
"Ind obesity is still a serious problem that having many adverse effects on lifestyle and health people" -> "Obesity remains a serious problem that has numerous adverse effects on lifestyle and health."
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the verb tense and clarifies the meaning, improving the formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both parts of the prompt: identifying the primary causes of childhood obesity and suggesting measures to reduce it. However, the response lacks depth and clarity. For instance, while it mentions "facilities" leading to laziness and a preference for fast food, it does not clearly articulate how these factors interconnect or provide a comprehensive list of causes. The mention of parental influence is vague and lacks specific examples or elaboration. Similarly, the proposed measures are somewhat generic and not thoroughly explained.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly outline specific causes in separate paragraphs, providing examples and explanations for each. Additionally, when suggesting measures, the writer should elaborate on how these measures can be implemented and their potential effectiveness.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position regarding the causes of childhood obesity and the need for parental intervention. However, the position is not consistently clear throughout the essay. Phrases like "I do believe" and "in my opinion" suggest a personal viewpoint but do not reinforce a strong, argumentative stance. The transitions between ideas are also weak, leading to a lack of coherence in the overall argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should avoid hedging language and instead assertively state their views. Using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help clarify the main point of that section, reinforcing the overall argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas related to the causes of childhood obesity and potential solutions, but these ideas are not well-developed or supported with evidence. For example, the assertion that children are "prone to have a obesity disease" lacks supporting data or examples. The discussion on parental roles and peer influences is also underdeveloped, with limited exploration of how these factors contribute to obesity.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to expand on each idea presented. This can be achieved by providing statistics, studies, or real-world examples that illustrate the points being made. Additionally, each idea should be clearly linked back to the central thesis of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing childhood obesity. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, such as when discussing "solitary persons" and "psychological disease," which are not directly related to the prompt. These digressions can confuse the reader and dilute the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should regularly refer back to the prompt and ensure that every point made directly relates to the causes or solutions for childhood obesity. Creating an outline before writing can help in organizing thoughts and ensuring relevance throughout the essay.

In summary, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should focus on clearly addressing all parts of the prompt, maintaining a consistent position, developing and supporting ideas with evidence, and staying on topic throughout the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas that are somewhat related to the topic of childhood obesity, but the organization is weak. For instance, the transition from discussing the causes of obesity to the measures to combat it is abrupt and lacks clear delineation. The first paragraph introduces multiple causes but does not effectively link them together, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. Additionally, the concluding remarks are vague and do not summarize the key points made earlier.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the essay should adopt a clearer structure. Each paragraph should focus on a single idea, starting with a topic sentence that outlines the main point. For example, one paragraph could focus solely on the causes of childhood obesity, while another could address potential solutions. Using clear transitions between paragraphs will also help guide the reader through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective paragraphing. While there are breaks in the text, the paragraphs do not follow a consistent structure or theme. The first paragraph mixes causes with personal opinions, while the second paragraph introduces solutions without a clear transition. This results in a disjointed reading experience.
- How to improve: Implementing a more structured approach to paragraphing is essential. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details. For example, the first paragraph could specifically address the causes of childhood obesity, while the second could focus on solutions. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph contains a mix of explanation and examples will strengthen the overall coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of cohesive devices, which hampers the flow of ideas. Phrases like "Another essential point to consider" are used, but there is a lack of variety in cohesive devices throughout the essay. The use of conjunctions and transitional phrases is minimal, making it difficult to see connections between ideas.
- How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, using "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" can help connect ideas more effectively. Additionally, employing pronouns and synonyms can help avoid repetition and create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Practicing the use of these devices in writing exercises will enhance overall coherence.

By addressing these areas—logical organization, effective paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices—the essay can significantly improve its coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary. Phrases such as "more facilities," "lazy," "fast food," and "obesity disease" are repeated without variation. The term "childhood" is used excessively, and synonyms or related terms are not employed to enhance the lexical variety. For instance, "entertainment activities" could be replaced with "leisure activities" or "recreational pursuits" to diversify the language.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should actively seek synonyms and related phrases. Creating a vocabulary list related to the topic of childhood obesity can help. For example, instead of repeatedly using "fast food," consider alternatives like "processed foods," "junk food," or "unhealthy snacks."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, "obesity disease" is not a standard term; "obesity" alone suffices. Phrases like "tendency to eat more fast food" could be more accurately expressed as "increased consumption of fast food." Additionally, the phrase "children have more tending to have interests about outdoor activities" is awkward and unclear.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. Reading more academic essays on similar topics can help identify precise language. Practicing rephrasing sentences for clarity and accuracy is also beneficial.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from its overall quality. Words such as "chopstick" (should be "chicken"), "mainly reason" (should be "main reason"), and "tending" (should be "tendency") are misspelled or misused. Additionally, "Ind obesity" appears to be a typographical error.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should regularly practice spelling common words and phrases, especially those relevant to the essay topic. Utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools can also help identify errors before submission. Moreover, proofreading the essay multiple times can catch mistakes that may have been overlooked initially.

In summary, to improve the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range, using precise language, and ensuring correct spelling throughout the essay. Engaging with a variety of reading materials and practicing writing can significantly enhance these skills.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited variety of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, lacking the complexity that can enhance clarity and engagement. For instance, sentences like "Children have more facilities than in the past so they become lazy and interest in entertainment activities" could be restructured to include more complex forms, such as relative clauses or conditional sentences. Additionally, phrases like "they can be comfortable and do anything they like that forced" are awkwardly constructed and lack clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating complex sentences, such as using subordinate clauses (e.g., "Although children have more facilities than in the past, they should be encouraged to engage in physical activities"). Additionally, varying the use of conjunctions and transitional phrases can help create more sophisticated sentence forms. Engaging with grammar exercises focused on complex structures can also be beneficial.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder comprehension. For example, "childhood don’t can be strict from their parents" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "children cannot be strictly guided by their parents." Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as missing commas and periods, lead to run-on sentences, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. The phrase "So what are the primary cause of this issue" lacks proper punctuation and should be rephrased for clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and verb forms. Regular practice with grammar exercises that address common errors can be helpful. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and reading it aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and run-on sentences. Utilizing tools like grammar checkers can also assist in catching mistakes before submission.

Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on sentence variety and grammatical correctness will enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Children have more facilities than in the past, so they become lazy and are interested in entertainment activities. Childhood has a tendency to eat more fast food in order to satisfy their preferences. Thus, young children are prone to obesity in recent years. So what are the primary causes of this issue? In my opinion, the main reason for this is that children cannot be strictly controlled by their parents. They can be comfortable and do anything they like, which is often forced. Due to this problem, children tend to have less interest in outdoor activities. They cannot play indoor activities more than outdoor activities. They have become solitary individuals, disconnected from their parents.

Another essential point to consider is their friends. They are allowed to use their phones or laptops, which are immersed in by their parents. They have a tendency to get involved in social networks and video games. So they dedicate a large amount of time to using their phones. They tend to eat more fast food such as chicken, chopsticks, hamburgers, and so on while playing games at the same time. The percentage of childhood obesity has increased in those countries nowadays. I firmly believe that parents and individuals should take many measures immediately to deal with this problem as soon as possible. Firstly, parents should strictly discipline their children. Parents should not allow children to spend money on purchasing fast food. Additionally, individuals need to be aware of their weight and concerned about their lifestyle so that they can avoid becoming unhealthy and facing a wide range of diseases. What’s more, children are more likely to stay in shape and become more confident than before. I believe that increased awareness is the most effective solution to reduce the prevalence of this issue today.

To conclude, obesity is still a serious problem that has many adverse effects on lifestyle and health. People have to foster more awareness and care for children, turning over a new leaf to have more self-confidence, a healthy shape, and protect them from diseases and psychological issues.