Childhood obesity has become a serious problem in recent years. What are the primary causes of this? What measures should be taken to reduce childhood obesity?

Childhood obesity has become a serious problem in recent years.

What are the primary causes of this?

What measures should be taken to reduce childhood obesity?

It is true that a large number of children have become increasingly obese. There are a number of reasons behind this trend, and several solutions should be taken into account to address it.

A range of factors are responsible for the aforementioned problem. One reason for the rising obesity of young people is the influence of indulgence from adults. Many parents often spoil their kids with whatever they want, such as fast food and sugary drinks which have negative impact on their health. Therefore, young children become addicted to those harmful food and with a lack of healthy food, they can gain weight quickly. Another factor that contributes to this situation is sedentary behaviour. This is due to the fact that increased screen time on smartphones, computers, and televisions has led to reduced physical activites. It is especially detrimental to little ones in urban areas as they may have more access to modern technology.

To solve this problem, several solutions should be implemented. Firstly, if parents stop pampering their kids too much, the incident of obesity may be declined. This can be achieved by limiting their exposure to unhealthy food and reminding them to eat wholesome food like green vegetables. Consequently, it is difficult for children to be obese if they maintain their balence diet. Another effective approach is to create an advantaged lifestyle. This is attainable through setting limits for technological use while providing opportunities for children to play outdoor in playgrounds, parks, or backyards and engaging them in activities they enjoy, such as swimming and dancing. As a result, the more energy children spent in moderation, the better they feel it.

In conclusion, there are various causes for the increase in obesity among young people, and several approaches should be adopted to tackle it.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "a large number of children" -> "a significant number of children"
   Explanation: "Significant" is more precise and academically appropriate than "large," which can be vague and less formal.

2. "taken into account" -> "considered"
   Explanation: "Considered" is a more direct and formal term than "taken into account," which can sound slightly informal and less precise in academic writing.

3. "indulgence from adults" -> "indulgence by adults"
   Explanation: "By" is the correct preposition to use when describing the action of adults in this context, enhancing the grammatical accuracy.

4. "spoiled" -> "indulged"
   Explanation: "Indulged" is a more formal and precise term than "spoiled," which can carry a slightly informal connotation.

5. "have negative impact" -> "have a negative impact"
   Explanation: Adding "a" before "negative impact" corrects the grammatical structure, making the phrase more formal and correct.

6. "harmful food" -> "unhealthy foods"
   Explanation: "Unhealthy foods" is a more specific and accurate term than "harmful food," which is vague and less precise.

7. "with a lack of healthy food" -> "due to a lack of healthy foods"
   Explanation: "Due to" is more appropriate than "with" in this context, indicating causality more clearly.

8. "sedentary behaviour" -> "sedentary behavior"
   Explanation: "Behavior" is the correct American English spelling, aligning with the context of the essay.

9. "increased screen time on smartphones, computers, and televisions" -> "increased screen time on smartphones, computers, and television"
   Explanation: "Television" should be singular to maintain consistency with the plural "computers" and "smartphones."

10. "reduced physical activites" -> "reduced physical activities"
    Explanation: "Activities" should be plural to match the context of multiple types of activities.

11. "little ones" -> "children"
    Explanation: "Children" is more formal and appropriate than "little ones," which is colloquial.

12. "stop pampering their kids too much" -> "reduce their indulgence"
    Explanation: "Reduce their indulgence" is more formal and less colloquial than "stop pampering their kids too much."

13. "declined" -> "decrease"
    Explanation: "Decrease" is a more precise and formal term than "declined," which can imply a more dramatic change.

14. "balence diet" -> "balanced diet"
    Explanation: "Balanced diet" is the correct term, correcting the spelling error and enhancing clarity.

15. "advantaged lifestyle" -> "healthier lifestyle"
    Explanation: "Healthier lifestyle" is a more specific and appropriate term than "advantaged lifestyle," which is vague and less commonly used in this context.

16. "spent in moderation" -> "engaged in moderation"
    Explanation: "Engaged" is more precise and appropriate than "spent" in this context, referring to the active participation in activities.

17. "better they feel it" -> "better they feel"
    Explanation: Removing "it" corrects the grammatical structure and maintains the formal tone of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively identifies the primary causes of childhood obesity, such as parental indulgence and sedentary behavior. It also proposes relevant measures to reduce obesity, including limiting unhealthy food and encouraging outdoor activities. However, while the causes are addressed, the solutions could be more specific and varied. For instance, the essay mentions limiting screen time but does not explore other potential measures like school programs or community initiatives.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should aim to provide a broader range of solutions. Including specific examples, such as government policies on food advertising to children or school-based health education programs, would demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position regarding the seriousness of childhood obesity and the need for solutions. The introduction sets the tone well, and the conclusion reiterates the main points. However, some sentences, such as "it is difficult for children to be obese if they maintain their balance diet," could be clearer in expressing the writer’s stance on the effectiveness of the proposed solutions.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer should ensure that each argument directly ties back to the thesis. Using more definitive language and avoiding ambiguous phrases will help maintain a strong and consistent position throughout the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the causes and solutions of childhood obesity. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For example, while the essay discusses parental indulgence, it could benefit from statistics or studies that highlight the impact of diet on childhood obesity. Similarly, the idea of encouraging outdoor activities is mentioned but not elaborated upon with examples or evidence.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should include more detailed explanations and supporting evidence for each point. This could involve citing research findings, providing examples of successful interventions, or discussing the long-term benefits of a healthier lifestyle for children.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the causes and solutions of childhood obesity. However, there are moments where the language becomes slightly vague, such as "the more energy children spent in moderation, the better they feel it," which could lead to confusion about the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all sentences contribute directly to the main argument. Avoiding vague language and ensuring that each point is clearly linked to the topic will help keep the essay on track. Additionally, reviewing the essay for any off-topic statements or unclear phrases can enhance overall coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, there is room for improvement in the specificity of solutions, clarity of position, depth of support for ideas, and overall focus. By addressing these areas, the essay could achieve a higher band score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing causes, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized around specific causes and solutions. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing parental influence to sedentary behavior could be more clearly signposted to enhance the logical flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that explicitly state the main idea. Additionally, transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," or "In addition," can help guide the reader through the progression of ideas more seamlessly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the topic. The first body paragraph addresses causes, while the second focuses on solutions. However, the paragraphs could benefit from more internal cohesion. For example, the second body paragraph introduces solutions without explicitly linking them back to the causes discussed in the first paragraph.
  • How to improve: Strengthen paragraph cohesion by including sentences that connect the ideas within and between paragraphs. For instance, after discussing the causes of obesity, you could introduce the solutions by stating how addressing these causes directly leads to effective measures. This will reinforce the relationship between the problems and the proposed solutions.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "therefore," "another factor," and "consequently." However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, which can make the writing feel repetitive. For example, the phrase "this is due to the fact that" could be replaced with simpler alternatives like "because" or "as a result of," which would enhance clarity and conciseness.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. Consider using synonyms or alternative expressions for common transitions. Additionally, using referencing (e.g., "this," "these," "such measures") can help maintain coherence without redundancy. Practicing the use of different cohesive devices in writing exercises can also aid in developing this skill.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, achieving a Band Score of 7. By focusing on improving the logical flow, enhancing paragraph cohesion, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can reach an even higher level of clarity and effectiveness.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic of childhood obesity. Terms such as "indulgence," "sedentary behaviour," and "wholesome food" show an attempt to use varied language. However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited in its depth and sophistication. For instance, phrases like "a large number of children" and "many parents" could be enhanced with more precise alternatives, such as "a significant proportion of children" or "numerous caregivers."
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate more advanced synonyms and expressions. For example, instead of repeating "obesity," they could use "excessive weight gain" or "childhood overweight." Additionally, exploring more academic or formal phrases would elevate the overall lexical quality.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, which can lead to ambiguity. For example, the phrase "the influence of indulgence from adults" could be clearer if rephrased to "the detrimental influence of parental indulgence." Additionally, "the incident of obesity may be declined" is awkward; "the incidence of obesity may decline" would be more appropriate.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. This includes avoiding vague terms and opting for more specific language. Practicing paraphrasing and using contextually appropriate words will help in this regard.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally good level of spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors. However, there are notable mistakes, such as "balence" instead of "balance" and "activites" instead of "activities." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading of their work. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Additionally, reading more extensively can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

Overall, while the essay meets the basic requirements for lexical resource, there is significant room for improvement in terms of vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "This is due to the fact that increased screen time on smartphones, computers, and televisions has led to reduced physical activities" shows an understanding of more advanced grammatical forms. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way ideas are introduced and developed. For example, the phrases "One reason for the rising obesity" and "Another factor that contributes to this situation" follow a similar pattern, which can make the writing feel formulaic.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider varying the introductory phrases and using more varied conjunctions. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "One reason" or "Another factor," you could use phrases like "In addition to this," or "Moreover," to introduce new ideas. Additionally, incorporating more relative clauses or participial phrases could enhance the complexity and fluidity of the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from the overall quality. For instance, the phrase "which have negative impact on their health" should be "which has a negative impact on their health" to maintain subject-verb agreement. Additionally, the sentence "Consequently, it is difficult for children to be obese if they maintain their balence diet" contains a spelling error ("balence" should be "balanced"). Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could improve clarity, such as before "such as fast food and sugary drinks" to separate the list from the main clause.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to proofread for subject-verb agreement and spelling errors. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or resources can help identify these issues. Additionally, practicing sentence diagramming can assist in understanding complex sentence structures and ensuring correct punctuation placement. Focusing on common grammatical pitfalls, such as agreement and article usage, will also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, there are areas for improvement that could elevate the score. By diversifying sentence structures and focusing on grammatical precision, the writing can become more sophisticated and effective.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is true that a significant number of children have become increasingly obese. There are several reasons behind this trend, and various solutions should be considered to address it.

A range of factors is responsible for the aforementioned problem. One reason for the rising obesity among young people is the indulgence by adults. Many parents often spoil their kids with whatever they desire, such as fast food and sugary drinks, which have a negative impact on their health. Consequently, young children become addicted to these unhealthy foods, and due to a lack of healthy options, they can gain weight quickly. Another factor that contributes to this situation is sedentary behavior. This is due to the increased screen time on smartphones, computers, and televisions, which has led to reduced physical activities. This trend is especially detrimental to children in urban areas, as they may have greater access to modern technology.

To solve this problem, several measures should be implemented. Firstly, if parents reduce their indulgence towards their kids, the incidence of obesity may decrease. This can be achieved by limiting their exposure to unhealthy foods and encouraging them to consume wholesome options like green vegetables. Consequently, it is less likely for children to become obese if they maintain a balanced diet. Another effective approach is to promote a healthier lifestyle. This can be accomplished by setting limits on technological use while providing opportunities for children to play outdoors in playgrounds, parks, or backyards, and engaging them in activities they enjoy, such as swimming and dancing. As a result, the more energy children expend in moderation, the better they feel.

In conclusion, there are various causes for the increase in obesity among young people, and several approaches should be adopted to tackle this issue.