Childhood obesity has become a serious problem in recent years. What are the primary causes of this? What measures should be taken to reduce childhood obesity?

Childhood obesity has become a serious problem in recent years.
What are the primary causes of this?
What measures should be taken to reduce childhood obesity?

In this day and age, obesity is becoming more popular in children. The increasing childhood obesity happens because of some reasons such as the extension of fast food and the lack of awareness among the youth, several effective solutions such as decreasing the production of fast food and propagating about the importance of a healthy diet should be proposed to solve this situation.
To begin with, there are some causes of children's obesity. Initially, due to the conveniences and reasonable price of fast food, these products are widely consumed by the residents who have a hectic schedule. As a result, with the enormous amount of calories and cholesterol provided, many pupils become obese. For example, because my cousin always gets up late, he gets in the habit of eating junk food for breakfast to go to school on time and becomes obese. Moreover, because the youth perhaps are not warned about the harmful effects of obesity, a lack of awareness appears. Therefore, the children do not have much knowledge in solving obesity.
To tackle this widespread issue, several actions need to be applied. First and foremost, because the deficiency in awareness plays a crucial role in expanding obesity, the government should propagate the importance of a balanced diet as well as educating the children about the negative influences of obesity. If they know about the detrimental impacts of this issue, they will limit fast food in their daily meals. Additionally, decreasing the number of manufacturers of fast food can help against obesity. If this happens, people can not purchase fast food in the market, which leads to a decrease in fast food consumption.
In conclusion, the popularity of obesity among children is caused by the extension of fast food and the lack of awareness, the government should come up with some solutions such as limiting the fast food’s production and educating children about obesity.

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Errors and Improvements:

"obesity is becoming more popular in children" -> "childhood obesity is increasingly prevalent"
Explanation: "Becoming more popular" is too informal and does not accurately describe the severity of childhood obesity. "Increasingly prevalent" is a more formal and precise alternative.
"because of some reasons" -> "due to several factors"
Explanation: "Because of some reasons" is overly simplistic and informal. "Due to several factors" is a more appropriate and formal phrase.
"such as the extension of fast food" -> "like the proliferation of fast food"
Explanation: "Extension of fast food" is an unusual phrase in this context. "Proliferation of fast food" is more precise and fits the academic tone better.
"several effective solutions such as" -> "various effective solutions, including"
Explanation: "Several effective solutions such as" is somewhat redundant. "Various effective solutions, including" is more concise and academically appropriate.
"decreasing the production of fast food" -> "reducing the production of fast food"
Explanation: "Decreasing" is informal; "reducing" is more formal and appropriate in academic writing.
"propagating about the importance of a healthy diet" -> "promoting the importance of a healthy diet"
Explanation: "Propagating" is an uncommon word choice and sounds informal. "Promoting" is more natural and formal.
"To begin with, there are some causes of children’s obesity" -> "Firstly, there are several causes of childhood obesity"
Explanation: "To begin with" is more informal. "Firstly" is a suitable replacement.
"As a result, with the enormous amount of calories and cholesterol provided" -> "Consequently, due to the high calorie and cholesterol content"
Explanation: "As a result, with the enormous amount of" is wordy and awkward. "Consequently, due to the high" is more concise and formal.
"many pupils become obese" -> "many children become obese"
Explanation: "Pupils" is less formal in this context. "Children" is more appropriate.
"For example, because my cousin always gets up late, he gets in the habit of eating junk food for breakfast to go to school on time and becomes obese." -> "For instance, my cousin, who consistently wakes up late, has developed a habit of consuming junk food for breakfast to ensure he reaches school on time, consequently leading to obesity."
Explanation: The original sentence is too informal and lacks academic formality. The revised sentence is more precise and formal.
"Moreover, because the youth perhaps are not warned about the harmful effects of obesity" -> "Furthermore, due to insufficient education among young people about the harmful effects of obesity"
Explanation: "Moreover, because the youth perhaps are not warned about" is too informal. "Furthermore, due to insufficient education among young people about" is more formal and clear.
"the children do not have much knowledge in solving obesity" -> "children lack sufficient knowledge to address obesity"
Explanation: "Do not have much knowledge in solving" is awkward. "Lack sufficient knowledge to address" is clearer and more formal.
"several actions need to be applied" -> "several actions need to be taken"
Explanation: "Need to be applied" is less formal. "Need to be taken" is a more appropriate phrase.
"First and foremost, because the deficiency in awareness plays a crucial role" -> "First and foremost, because the lack of awareness plays a crucial role"
Explanation: "Deficiency in awareness" is not incorrect but "lack of awareness" is more commonly used and sounds more formal.
"the government should propagate the importance of a balanced diet" -> "the government should promote the importance of a balanced diet"
Explanation: "Propagate" is less formal. "Promote" is more natural and appropriate.
"as well as educating the children about the negative influences of obesity" -> "and educating children about the negative impacts of obesity"
Explanation: "As well as" is somewhat informal. "And" is simpler and more direct.
"they will limit fast food in their daily meals" -> "they will reduce their consumption of fast food"
Explanation: "Limit fast food in their daily meals" is less formal. "Reduce their consumption of fast food" is clearer and more formal.
"decreasing the number of manufacturers of fast food can help against obesity" -> "reducing the number of fast food manufacturers can help combat obesity"
Explanation: "Can help against obesity" is informal. "Can help combat obesity" is more formal and precise.
"If this happens, people can not purchase fast food in the market" -> "If this occurs, individuals will be unable to purchase fast food in the market"
Explanation: "People can not purchase" is less formal. "Individuals will be unable to purchase" is more formal.
"In conclusion, the popularity of obesity among children" -> "In conclusion, the prevalence of childhood obesity"
Explanation: "Popularity of obesity" is not an appropriate phrase. "Prevalence of childhood obesity" is more formal and accurate.
"caused by the extension of fast food" -> "caused by the proliferation of fast food"
Explanation: "Extension of fast food" is an unusual phrase. "Proliferation of fast food" is more precise and fits the academic tone better.
"the government should come up with some solutions" -> "the government should propose solutions"
Explanation: "Come up with some solutions" is informal. "Propose solutions" is more formal.

These improvements enhance the academic formality, clarity, and precision of the essay while maintaining natural language appropriate for the topic.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both parts of the prompt. It identifies the primary causes of childhood obesity as the availability and consumption of fast food and the lack of awareness among youth. Additionally, it suggests measures to reduce childhood obesity, including propagating the importance of a healthy diet and reducing the production of fast food.
- How to improve: While the essay does cover all aspects of the question, it could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of the causes and solutions. Providing statistical data or research findings could strengthen the argument and lend more credibility to the proposed measures.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that childhood obesity is primarily caused by the availability of fast food and the lack of awareness, and that measures such as reducing fast food production and educating children are necessary to address the issue.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state the thesis in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Additionally, refining the language to avoid ambiguous phrases such as "obesity is becoming more popular in children" would strengthen the stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on the causes of childhood obesity, such as the availability of fast food and lack of awareness, and supports them with examples. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough, and the essay lacks depth in exploring potential solutions beyond limiting fast food production and educating children.
- How to improve: To extend and support ideas effectively, the essay could delve into additional factors contributing to childhood obesity, such as sedentary lifestyles and socioeconomic factors. Moreover, providing more detailed and varied solutions beyond limiting fast food production would enrich the discussion.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, focusing on the causes of childhood obesity and proposing measures to address it. However, there are minor instances of tangential discussion, such as the example about the cousin’s breakfast habits, which detract from the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that all examples and details directly relate to the central argument. Streamlining the discussion and avoiding tangents would strengthen coherence and relevance.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt by identifying causes of childhood obesity and proposing measures to combat it, there is room for improvement in depth of analysis, clarity of expression, and coherence of argumentation. By refining these aspects, the essay could achieve a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to organize information logically, with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing causes and solutions, and a conclusion. However, the progression of ideas is somewhat disjointed. For instance, the discussion on solutions in the second body paragraph could be more clearly linked to the causes discussed in the first paragraph.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure that each paragraph builds on the previous one. In this essay, the causes and solutions could be more explicitly linked; for example, after discussing the cause of fast food consumption, directly connect it to the solution of reducing fast food production.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs but could benefit from clearer structure and organization within paragraphs. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas that could be separated for clarity.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down paragraphs to ensure each one focuses on a single main idea. For example, the first body paragraph could be divided into one focusing solely on fast food consumption and another on lack of awareness.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses basic cohesive devices such as ‘because,’ ‘moreover,’ and ‘in conclusion,’ but they are often repetitive and not used effectively to guide the reader through the argument.
- How to improve: Increase the variety and effectiveness of cohesive devices. Use a wider range of linking words and phrases such as ‘however,’ ‘therefore,’ ‘furthermore,’ ‘consequently,’ etc. These should be used to better connect ideas within and between paragraphs.

In summary, while the essay adequately addresses the essay prompt and maintains some coherence, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and cohesive device usage would enhance its overall coherence and cohesion score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic. Words and phrases such as "obesity," "fast food," "awareness," "propagate," "detrimental impacts," and "balanced diet" are appropriately used. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of vocabulary. For instance, more diverse synonyms and terms related to the causes and effects of childhood obesity could enhance lexical resource.
- How to improve: To broaden the lexical resource, consider incorporating synonyms, antonyms, and specialized vocabulary related to health, nutrition, and societal impacts. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "fast food," you can vary your language by using terms like "processed food," "junk food," "high-calorie snacks," or "unhealthy dietary choices." Furthermore, introducing more complex vocabulary related to health consequences and behavioral patterns associated with obesity can elevate the lexical richness of the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately but occasionally lacks precision. For example, phrases like "obesity is becoming more popular" may not accurately convey the severity and health implications of the issue. Additionally, the term "popular" is not the most precise choice here. Similarly, the phrase "the deficiency in awareness" could be more precisely expressed as "lack of awareness" or "insufficient awareness."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, strive for more accurate and specific vocabulary choices that precisely convey the intended meaning. Instead of using general terms like "popular," opt for words like "prevalent," "widespread," or "increasing prevalence." Similarly, replace vague phrases with more concise and precise expressions to convey your ideas effectively. Reviewing synonyms and refining your vocabulary through reading and practice can aid in achieving greater precision in language use.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate level of spelling accuracy, with several instances of misspelled words such as "extension" (should be "prevalence"), "conveniences" (should be "convenience"), "propagating" (should be "promoting"), and "manufacturers" (should be "producers"). While the misspellings do not impede comprehension significantly, they detract from the overall quality of the essay.
- How to improve: Improving spelling accuracy requires diligent proofreading and familiarity with common spelling patterns and rules. Utilize spell-checking tools and dedicate time to review and revise your writing systematically. Additionally, consider creating a personal list of commonly misspelled words and actively practice spelling them correctly. Reading widely and paying attention to spelling conventions in published materials can also reinforce spelling skills over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences throughout the essay. Simple sentences predominate, with occasional attempts at complex structures. For example, "To begin with, there are some causes of children’s obesity" presents a compound-complex structure, adding variety to the essay. However, more sophisticated structures, such as conditional sentences or clauses, are lacking.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. Introduce complex sentences with subordinate clauses to add depth and complexity to your arguments. For instance, instead of starting with "To begin with," try introducing conditional clauses like "If society prioritizes healthier food options, children’s eating habits could improve significantly." This will elevate the sophistication of your writing and demonstrate a higher level of grammatical control.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with occasional errors in subject-verb agreement ("the youth perhaps are not warned") and article usage ("the extension of fast food"). Punctuation is used adequately, though there are some instances of comma splices and missing commas in compound sentences. For instance, "In conclusion, the popularity of obesity among children is caused by the extension of fast food and the lack of awareness" could benefit from a comma after "conclusion" to separate the introductory phrase.
- How to improve: Focus on improving subject-verb agreement by ensuring that the verb aligns with the subject in number and person. Additionally, pay close attention to article usage, using "the" before specific nouns and omitting it before non-specific or plural nouns. To enhance punctuation skills, review the rules for comma usage, particularly in complex sentences, and practice using commas to separate clauses effectively. Consider utilizing tools like grammar checkers to identify and correct punctuation errors automatically.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical accuracy and a moderate range of sentence structures, refining these aspects further can elevate the clarity and sophistication of your writing, potentially leading to an even higher band score. Keep practicing and paying attention to these details to achieve greater fluency and precision in your English writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, childhood obesity is increasingly prevalent. This surge in childhood obesity can be attributed to several factors, such as the proliferation of fast food and the lack of awareness among young people. In order to address this concerning trend, various effective solutions, including reducing the production of fast food and promoting the importance of a healthy diet, should be considered.

Firstly, there are several causes contributing to childhood obesity. Initially, due to the convenience and affordability of fast food, these products are widely consumed by individuals with busy schedules. Consequently, the high calorie and cholesterol content of fast food contribute to obesity among many children. For instance, my cousin, who consistently wakes up late, has developed a habit of consuming junk food for breakfast to ensure he reaches school on time, consequently leading to obesity. Furthermore, due to insufficient education among young people about the harmful effects of obesity, children lack sufficient knowledge to address this issue.

To effectively combat childhood obesity, several actions need to be taken. First and foremost, because the lack of awareness plays a crucial role in the proliferation of obesity, the government should promote the importance of a balanced diet and educate children about the negative impacts of obesity. By increasing awareness, children will be more inclined to reduce their consumption of fast food. Additionally, reducing the number of fast food manufacturers can help combat obesity. If this occurs, individuals will be unable to purchase fast food in the market, thereby decreasing its consumption.

In conclusion, the prevalence of childhood obesity, caused by the proliferation of fast food and the lack of awareness among young people, necessitates proactive measures. Therefore, the government should propose solutions such as limiting the production of fast food and educating children about the importance of a healthy lifestyle. Through concerted efforts, we can work towards mitigating the detrimental effects of childhood obesity on our society.