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Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

Pressure is an emerging phenomenon that today’s young generation is hardly facing. In the following essay, I will illuminate the justifiable reasons related to academia, society and commerce, prior to recommending several workable solutions that the government, school leaders and parents can take to assist youngsters to reduce their stress.

Regarding the factors which lead to such an obstacle for most students. Firstly, because of the a competitive job market nowadays, fathers and mothers of course worry about their offsprings’ future career, thus they often force their children to study hard, which is the most common reason that makes youngsters stressful. Besides, some educational institutions chase a good reputation, they tend to introduce a very high entry point or even expel students with unexpected results, which puts more pressure on learners. Secondly, in this society in which high-paid jobs are being more respected, children have to try hard to employ these jobs to gain others’ appreciation. In terms of commerce, young people are significantly influenced by tendencies, they buy things which are trendy, so some students often force themselves to purchase such things to catch up with as well as not to feel left behind compared to their friends.

Considering the ways to handle this phenomenon, it is necessary for the government, school and parents to take several comprehensive and cooperative actions. First and foremost, parents should not put pressure on their children by motivating them to try their best instead of comparing them with others or forcing them to be the same as others’ best. Towards education, schools should consider lowering the strict benchmark and organize some extracurricular activities to create opportunities for students to relax, develop soft skills such as communicating, team-working and problem-solving, as well as find out their true passion. Additionally, authorities have to filter the contents on social media to prevent negative information which causes youngsters’ stress. Remedy for commerce, brands’ advertisements should also be limited with young people due to their false presumption. Furthermore, parents have to educate their offspring to focus on personal development rather than immerse themselves in trendy things.

To recapitulate, from the above arguments, I reaffirm that academic, social and commercial perspectives are the main factors that cause student’s mental pressure, however, the governmental leaders, schools and family can take some viable solutions by cooperative actions to tackle this phenomenon.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "today’s young generation" -> "the current younger demographic"
    Explanation: Replacing "today’s young generation" with "the current younger demographic" provides a more formal and precise term, aligning better with academic style.

  2. "I will illuminate" -> "I will elucidate"
    Explanation: Substituting "illuminate" with "elucidate" adds a more sophisticated touch, maintaining formality and academic tone.

  3. "justifiable reasons" -> "valid reasons"
    Explanation: Replacing "justifiable reasons" with "valid reasons" maintains the meaning while using a more concise and formal term.

  4. "offsprings’ future career" -> "offspring’s future careers"
    Explanation: Correcting the possessive form by changing "offsprings’" to "offspring’s" and adjusting the plural form to "careers" enhances grammatical accuracy and formality.

  5. "thus they often force their children" -> "therefore, they frequently compel their children"
    Explanation: Substituting "thus" with "therefore" and replacing "force" with "compel" contributes to a more formal and precise expression.

  6. "which is the most common reason that makes youngsters stressful" -> "which is the most prevalent factor contributing to the stress experienced by youngsters"
    Explanation: The suggested change offers a more detailed and formal expression, avoiding the colloquial use of "makes youngsters stressful."

  7. "they tend to introduce a very high entry point" -> "they tend to establish stringent entry requirements"
    Explanation: Replacing "introduce a very high entry point" with "establish stringent entry requirements" conveys the idea more formally and precisely.

  8. "expel students with unexpected results" -> "dismiss students with unsatisfactory academic outcomes"
    Explanation: Substituting "expel" with "dismiss" and "unexpected results" with "unsatisfactory academic outcomes" maintains formality and clarity.

  9. "In terms of commerce" -> "From a commercial perspective"
    Explanation: Replacing "In terms of commerce" with "From a commercial perspective" introduces a more formal transition and aligns with academic writing style.

  10. "buy things which are trendy" -> "purchase items that are fashionable"
    Explanation: Substituting "buy things which are trendy" with "purchase items that are fashionable" employs more formal and precise language.

  11. "tendencies" -> "trends"
    Explanation: Replacing "tendencies" with "trends" is a more precise and formal term in the context of commercial influence on young people.

  12. "try their best" -> "strive for excellence"
    Explanation: Substituting "try their best" with "strive for excellence" adds a more formal and aspirational tone to the sentence.

  13. "lowering the strict benchmark" -> "revising stringent benchmarks"
    Explanation: Changing "lowering the strict benchmark" to "revising stringent benchmarks" maintains formality and clarifies the action to be taken by schools.

  14. "extracurricular activities" -> "enrichment activities"
    Explanation: Substituting "extracurricular activities" with "enrichment activities" provides a more formal and nuanced term.

  15. "opportunities for students to relax" -> "opportunities for students to unwind"
    Explanation: Replacing "relax" with "unwind" offers a more sophisticated alternative while maintaining the intended meaning.

  16. "develop soft skills such as communicating" -> "cultivate soft skills, including communication"
    Explanation: Adjusting the structure to "cultivate soft skills, including communication" enhances formality and clarity.

  17. "filter the contents on social media" -> "monitor and regulate content on social media"
    Explanation: Substituting "filter the contents on social media" with "monitor and regulate content on social media" conveys a more formal and precise action.

  18. "which causes youngsters’ stress" -> "that contributes to the stress experienced by young individuals"
    Explanation: Replacing "which causes youngsters’ stress" with "that contributes to the stress experienced by young individuals" offers a more detailed and formal expression.

  19. "brands’ advertisements should also be limited" -> "limitations should be imposed on brand advertisements"
    Explanation: Changing "brands’ advertisements should also be limited" to "limitations should be imposed on brand advertisements" enhances formality and clarity.

  20. "immerse themselves in trendy things" -> "engage excessively in current trends"
    Explanation: Substituting "immerse themselves in trendy things" with "engage excessively in current trends" provides a more formal expression while retaining the meaning.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt. It discusses the causes of pressure from academic, social, and commercial perspectives and provides recommendations for reducing these pressures. Relevant sections from the essay include discussions on academic pressures due to a competitive job market, societal expectations of high-paid jobs, and commercial influences on purchasing trends.
    • How to improve: The essay is strong in this aspect. To enhance completeness, consider providing a brief summary in the introduction of the main points that will be addressed in each perspective (academic, social, commercial).
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, advocating for comprehensive and cooperative actions by the government, schools, and parents to address the issue. Examples such as encouraging parents to motivate rather than force their children and suggesting schools lower strict benchmarks demonstrate a consistent stance.
    • How to improve: The essay excels in clarity. To further strengthen the position, consider incorporating a thesis statement in the introduction that explicitly states the stance on the issue.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports ideas effectively. It discusses the causes of pressure with examples (competitive job market, strict academic benchmarks) and provides detailed recommendations, such as extracurricular activities to relieve stress and filtering social media content. Examples are well-elaborated.
    • How to improve: To enhance development, provide more depth in explaining the impact of each recommended solution. Additionally, consider incorporating specific evidence or real-world examples to bolster the arguments.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the causes of pressure and proposing measures to reduce it. However, there are moments of slight deviation, such as the mention of "buying trendy things" being influenced by commerce. While relevant, this point could be more directly tied to commercial pressures.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each point directly relates to the specified perspective (academic, social, commercial) to avoid any potential confusion. For the commerce perspective, provide more context on how buying trendy things specifically contributes to pressure.

Overall Comments:
The essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, effectively addressing all aspects. It maintains a consistent position, develops ideas well, and provides practical solutions. To improve, consider minor adjustments in the introduction for a clearer roadmap and in ensuring each point is directly tied to the specified perspective. Additionally, provide more depth and real-world examples to further support the arguments.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization by presenting the causes of pressures on children in three distinct categories: academic, social, and commercial. The essay follows a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing causes, and recommendations for mitigation. Each section addresses a different aspect of the prompt, maintaining coherence in the progression of ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization further, consider refining the essay’s introduction by providing a more direct thesis statement that previews the essay’s main points. Additionally, ensure a smoother transition between paragraphs to create a seamless flow of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to delineate different aspects of the topic, addressing each perspective (academic, social, commercial) in separate paragraphs. However, some paragraphs tend to be lengthy, making the structure slightly cumbersome. There’s a lack of variation in paragraph lengths, affecting the visual appeal and readability.
    • How to improve: Break down lengthy paragraphs into smaller, concise ones to improve readability and clarity. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, facilitating easier comprehension of the essay’s structure.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices moderately well, such as transition words and phrases ("Firstly," "Secondly," "Regarding," "Considering," "To recapitulate"). These devices aid in signaling the progression of ideas and connecting different parts of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance cohesion, incorporate a wider array of cohesive devices. Vary sentence structures and employ cohesive devices more consistently within and between paragraphs. Utilize cohesive devices not only for introducing ideas but also for reinforcing relationships between sentences and paragraphs.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a coherent structure by addressing various causes of pressure on children and suggesting solutions. To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on refining the introduction, enhancing paragraph structure and length, and incorporating a broader range of cohesive devices throughout the essay. This will result in a more cohesive and compelling presentation of ideas, potentially raising the band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay showcases a fair range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. There’s an attempt to incorporate varied terms related to academic pressures, societal influences, and commercial aspects impacting children. Examples include "competitive job market," "expel students," "soft skills," "false presumption," and more. However, some phrases could benefit from more nuanced expressions or more diverse vocabulary to elevate the richness of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, aim to introduce more precise and sophisticated vocabulary. Instead of repetitive phrases like "force themselves," consider alternatives such as "compel" or "feel compelled." Explore synonyms or specific terms related to societal trends and academic pressures to enrich the content without compromising clarity.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses imprecise vocabulary, affecting the precision of expression. For instance, phrases like "emerging phenomenon" and "unexpected results" lack specificity, weakening the impact of the arguments. Conversely, certain expressions, like "high entry point," are more precise in conveying specific academic pressures.
    • How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that precisely articulates ideas. Replace vague terms with more specific ones where possible. Instead of "emerging phenomenon," consider describing the nature of the pressure more explicitly, perhaps as a "growing societal concern." Use precise language to describe consequences or situations, avoiding ambiguous terms like "unexpected results."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling accuracy generally meets the expected standard. However, there are a few instances where errors occur, such as "offsprings" (should be "offspring") and "recapitulate" (possible alternative: "in conclusion"). These minor errors slightly detract from an otherwise appropriately spelled essay.
    • How to improve: Review spelling meticulously, paying attention to commonly misspelled words. Proofread carefully to catch errors like "offsprings" or "recapitulate," ensuring that words are used accurately and appropriately.

By refining the vocabulary to include more diverse and precise terms while maintaining correct spelling, the essay can elevate its lexical resource, enhancing the overall quality of expression and coherence in conveying complex ideas effectively.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. It effectively employs simple and compound sentences. However, there’s room for improvement in terms of using more complex structures, such as complex-compound sentences or varied sentence beginnings. This would enhance the overall fluency and sophistication of the essay.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences that involve subordination and coordination. For example, instead of relying solely on straightforward sentences, experiment with introducing clauses and phrases to convey ideas more intricately. This will contribute to a more nuanced expression of your thoughts.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement and article usage could be improved. For instance, in the phrase "because of the a competitive job market," the article "the" is unnecessary. Also, pay attention to verb agreement in sentences like "fathers and mothers of course worry," where the plural "parents" should match with "worry."
    • How to improve: Review the essay with a focus on subject-verb agreement and article usage. Ensure that articles are used appropriately, and subjects and verbs agree in number. A careful proofread can help eliminate such minor grammatical issues and enhance overall accuracy.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation usage is generally accurate, but there are instances where the essay could benefit from better punctuation for clarity and cohesion. For example, in the sentence "To recapitulate, from the above arguments, I reaffirm," a comma after "recapitulate" would improve the flow. Additionally, there are places where more varied punctuation, such as semicolons or colons, could be utilized for better sentence structure.
    • How to improve: Pay attention to the flow of your sentences and consider using a variety of punctuation marks to enhance clarity. Experiment with semicolons, colons, and dashes to create a more dynamic and varied sentence structure. This will contribute to a smoother and more engaging reading experience.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in sentence structure diversity, subject-verb agreement, article usage, and punctuation variety. By incorporating more complex sentence structures and refining grammatical details, the overall quality of the essay can be elevated to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Pressure is an emerging phenomenon that today’s young generation is hardly facing. In the following essay, I will elucidate the valid reasons related to academia, society, and commerce before recommending several workable solutions that the government, school leaders, and parents can take to assist youngsters in reducing their stress.

Regarding the factors that lead to such obstacles for most students, the current younger demographic faces pressures primarily due to the competitive job market. Parents, concerned about their offspring’s future careers, frequently compel their children to study hard, making it the most prevalent factor contributing to the stress experienced by youngsters. Additionally, some educational institutions, aiming for a good reputation, tend to establish stringent entry requirements or even dismiss students with unsatisfactory academic outcomes, adding more pressure on learners.

In today’s society, where high-paid jobs are highly respected, children strive for excellence to gain appreciation. From a commercial perspective, young people are significantly influenced by trends, purchasing fashionable items to keep up and avoid feeling left behind compared to their friends.

To address this phenomenon, it is necessary for the government, schools, and parents to take comprehensive and cooperative actions. Parents should motivate their children to try their best without comparing them to others or forcing conformity. Schools should consider revising stringent benchmarks and organizing enrichment activities to provide opportunities for students to unwind, cultivate soft skills such as communication, teamwork, and problem-solving, and discover their true passion. Authorities should monitor and regulate content on social media to prevent negative information contributing to stress.

From a commerce standpoint, limitations should be imposed on brand advertisements targeting young people to counter false presumptions. Parents play a crucial role in educating their offspring to focus on personal development rather than engaging excessively in current trends.

To recapitulate, academic, social, and commercial perspectives are the main factors causing students’ mental pressure. However, governmental leaders, schools, and families can take viable solutions through cooperative actions to address this phenomenon.

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