Children nowadays spend most of their free time taking part in sport in a serious way. They do not do this for fun. Is this a positive or negative development?

Children nowadays spend most of their free time taking part in sport in a serious way. They do not do this for fun.
Is this a positive or negative development?

In modern society, there has been a noticeable change in children’s attitudes toward sports, as they now have a serious approach to practicing sports rather than just doing them for pleasure. From my perspective, this is a positive development, and this essay will illustrate my viewpoints.

First of all, engaging in intense exercises bolsters children’s physical well-being. These days Nowadays, almost every student has intense study schedules, including both school time and self-study time dedicated to completing homework. As a result, young people must acquaint themselves with robust work and physical exertion, which is precisely what serious participation in sports offers. Furthermore, vigorous exercise protects the young against detrimental health conditions. Specifically, those who do not get frequent physical exercise are presumably unfit, running the risk of suffering from severe health problems. By contrast, serious players enjoy numerous health benefits that sports bring, including weight loss, lowering blood pressure, and improved heart function.

Secondly, seriously partaking in sports opens a novel career path for the young in this field. To elucidate, owing to the innumerable job opportunities that the sports industry generates, young people’s options are not limited to athletes only; instead, their choices are varied: managers, commentators, and sports reporters, to mention but a few. In addition, children long for a job in the sports sector because it is well-paid. Athletes are telling illustrations of this, as their earnings are considerably high and result from multiple sources besides the fixed salary, like bonuses and advertising income.

To conclude, a serious approach to sports is advantageous to children since it not only enhances young people’s physical health but also brings potential job opportunities to them. In that sense, sports should continue to play a key role in the young’s development in the future.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "these days" -> "nowadays"
   Explanation: "These days" is somewhat colloquial and informal for an academic essay. "Nowadays" is a more formal alternative that maintains the same meaning.

2. "must acquaint themselves with robust work and physical exertion" -> "must familiarize themselves with rigorous work and physical exertion"
   Explanation: "Acquaint" is slightly informal in this context. "Familiarize" is a more suitable term for academic writing. "Robust" can be replaced with "rigorous" to convey a sense of intensity and seriousness.

3. "those who do not get frequent physical exercise are presumably unfit" -> "individuals who do not engage in regular physical exercise are likely to be unfit"
   Explanation: "Presumably" is too speculative for academic writing. Replacing it with "likely to be" maintains the assertion without overreaching. Additionally, "unfit" can be specified as "individuals who do not engage in regular physical exercise" for clarity.

4. "novel career path" -> "new career path"
   Explanation: "Novel" is not incorrect, but "new" is more commonly used and equally effective in conveying the intended meaning in this context.

5. "owing to the innumerable job opportunities that the sports industry generates" -> "due to the myriad job opportunities generated by the sports industry"
   Explanation: "Owing to" is a bit formal and can be replaced with "due to" for clarity and conciseness. "Innumerable" can be replaced with "myriad" for a more sophisticated tone.

6. "to mention but a few" -> "to name just a few"
   Explanation: "To mention but a few" is slightly less formal. "To name just a few" maintains the same meaning while being more appropriate for academic writing.

7. "long for" -> "aspire to"
   Explanation: "Long for" is somewhat informal. "Aspire to" is more appropriate for academic writing and conveys a sense of ambition.

8. "are telling illustrations of this" -> "are indicative of this"
   Explanation: "Telling illustrations" is slightly informal. "Indicative of this" is a more formal alternative that maintains the same meaning.

9. "since" -> "as"
   Explanation: "Since" can sometimes sound too casual in academic writing. "As" is a more formal alternative that maintains coherence in the sentence.

10. "young’s development" -> "development of the youth"
    Explanation: "Young’s" can be revised to "the youth’s" for clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing whether children’s serious engagement in sports is a positive or negative development. It acknowledges the shift in children’s attitudes toward sports and presents a clear stance on why this shift is positive.
  • How to improve: While the essay covers both sides of the argument, it could benefit from a deeper exploration of potential negative consequences or counterarguments to strengthen its overall analysis. Encouraging a more balanced approach by discussing potential drawbacks could enrich the argumentation.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, arguing that children’s serious involvement in sports is a positive development. Each paragraph reinforces this viewpoint, providing reasons and examples to support the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity further, ensure that each paragraph’s topic sentence explicitly reinforces the essay’s stance. This will help readers follow the argument more easily and reinforce the coherence of the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently and supports them with relevant examples and explanations. It discusses the physical benefits of sports for children and highlights the career opportunities sports can offer.
  • How to improve: To extend ideas further, consider providing more detailed examples or incorporating additional research or statistics to bolster the argument. Expanding on how serious sports involvement can contribute to personal growth or social development would add depth to the discussion.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains focus on the topic throughout, discussing the implications of children’s serious participation in sports and its perceived advantages.
  • How to improve: While the essay remains on topic, it could benefit from more precise language and tighter organization to ensure every point directly relates to the central argument. Avoiding tangential discussions or unrelated examples would strengthen coherence and relevance.

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, presenting a well-structured argument in favor of children’s serious engagement in sports. To improve further, consider exploring opposing viewpoints, reinforcing clarity, extending ideas with additional evidence, and maintaining strict relevance to the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. Each paragraph presents a distinct argument supported by relevant examples and elaboration. The introduction sets up the discussion by stating the author’s viewpoint, followed by two body paragraphs that each focus on a different aspect of why serious engagement in sports is positive for children. Finally, the conclusion restates the main points and provides a summary. However, there is room for improvement in the transition between paragraphs to ensure smoother coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical coherence, ensure that each paragraph’s topic sentence explicitly connects to the previous one, providing a clear transition. Additionally, consider using transition phrases or words to guide the reader through the progression of ideas more smoothly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different points and arguments. Each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. However, some paragraphs could be more focused to improve clarity and coherence.
  • How to improve: Review each paragraph to ensure that it contains only one main idea, and all supporting sentences directly relate to that idea. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into shorter ones to improve readability and coherence.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between sentences and paragraphs. Examples include transition words and phrases (e.g., "First of all," "Furthermore," "To conclude"), pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned concepts (e.g., "these days," "those who"), and repetition of key terms (e.g., "young people," "sports"). However, there are opportunities to expand the range of cohesive devices used for a more nuanced and varied connection between ideas.
  • How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, such as synonyms for commonly used terms, parallel structures, and conjunctions to vary sentence structure and enhance coherence. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently and appropriately throughout the essay to maintain clarity and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, employing varied terms such as "bolsters," "acquaint," "robust," "detrimental," "elucidate," "innumerable," and "advantages." These lexical choices contribute to the essay’s coherence and depth of expression.
  • How to improve: To further enrich the vocabulary, consider integrating more nuanced synonyms or exploring specialized terminology related to sports, health, and career development. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "young people," you could employ alternatives like "adolescents," "youth," or "juveniles," depending on the context.
• Use Vocabulary Precisely:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally utilizes vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying ideas and arguments. For example, the phrase "vigorous exercise" accurately describes intense physical activity, and "novel career path" aptly portrays new and unconventional job opportunities in the sports industry.
  • How to improve: While the vocabulary usage is generally precise, ensure consistency in terminology throughout the essay. For instance, you use both "young" and "young people" interchangeably; maintaining consistency can enhance clarity and coherence. Additionally, strive for greater specificity in certain instances by opting for more precise terms. For example, instead of "serious approach," consider alternatives like "dedicated approach," "committed stance," or "rigorous engagement," depending on the intended emphasis.
• Use Correct Spelling:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with minimal errors observed. Notable examples of correct spelling include "bolsters," "vigorous," "numerous," and "advantages." However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as "telling" instead of "tellingly" and "presumably" instead of "presumedly."
  • How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-checking tools and proofreading techniques to identify and correct any misspelled words or typographical errors. Additionally, expanding your vocabulary and familiarity with commonly misspelled words can aid in minimizing spelling mistakes. Finally, taking the time to review and revise your writing before submission can help catch any overlooked errors and ensure greater precision in spelling.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, "First of all, engaging in intense exercises bolsters children’s physical well-being" (complex), "These days, almost every student has intense study schedules" (simple), and "By contrast, serious players enjoy numerous health benefits that sports bring, including weight loss" (compound). These structures help convey ideas clearly and effectively.
  • How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as conditional sentences (e.g., "If children participate in sports, they could benefit from improved health.") or passive voice constructions ("Health benefits are enjoyed by serious players who engage in sports."). This can add variety and sophistication to the essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances where incorrect verb tenses are used ("owes to the innumerable job opportunities"), and punctuation could be improved (comma usage, e.g., "weight loss, lowering blood pressure, and improved heart function").
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to verb tenses, particularly when discussing general truths or hypothetical situations. For instance, use "is owed to" instead of "owes to." Also, review the rules of punctuation, particularly the use of commas in lists and compound sentences. For example, "weight loss, lower blood pressure, and improved heart function" would correct the list.

In summary, the essay is well-structured and demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, contributing to clarity and coherence. With attention to grammatical accuracy and punctuation, particularly in verb tense and comma usage, the essay could further enhance its effectiveness in conveying the author’s viewpoints.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, there has been a noticeable shift in children’s attitudes towards sports, with a more serious approach replacing leisurely engagement. From my perspective, this represents a positive development, and this essay will outline my viewpoints.

Firstly, participating actively in sports significantly enhances children’s physical well-being. Nowadays, nearly every student juggles demanding study schedules, both in school and at home for homework completion. Consequently, young people must embrace rigorous academic and physical demands, which is exactly what serious engagement in sports provides. Moreover, rigorous physical activity guards against health issues. Specifically, individuals who neglect regular physical exercise are likely to face fitness challenges, risking serious health problems. In contrast, dedicated athletes enjoy numerous health benefits such as weight management, reduced blood pressure, and improved cardiovascular function.

Secondly, taking sports seriously opens up promising career avenues for young people in this field. For instance, the sports industry generates myriad job opportunities beyond athletes alone, including roles like managers, commentators, and sports journalists, among others. Furthermore, many young individuals aspire to careers in sports due to its attractive remuneration. Athletes serve as prime examples of this trend, earning substantial incomes from various sources including salaries, bonuses, and endorsements.

In conclusion, adopting a serious approach to sports is advantageous for children as it not only enhances their physical health but also expands their potential career prospects. Therefore, sports should continue to play a pivotal role in the development of the youth in the years to come.