Do the advantages of medical services run by profit-making companies outweigh the disadvantages?

To have a fulfilling life, some care about heath, therefore the medical service should not be lead by profits-making business. While private healthcare offers a number of drawbacks, I personally believe the disadvantages pale in comparison with the benefits its provides
On the one hand, private healthcare is disadvantageous in a few aspect. First, the main important demerit of is that can not approach to all walk of life. This is because, the cost spends on private healthcare systerm is more expensive than that on public healthcare systerm. For example, the private hospital are always used by the middle classes or higher. Moreover private hospital might not ensure about costumes health. For example, some of hospital for beauty are using bad facility for costumers. That why many people has a error on their face
On the other hand, the service control by profit-making businesses are advantageous in a few aspects. First of all, it might provide higher qualify service. The medical companies might use more money on state of the art facility to attract the consumer. In addition,to have highest qualify for patient that companies might employ the professionals.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"To have a fulfilling life, some care about heath" -> "To lead a fulfilling life, some prioritize health"
Explanation: "To have a fulfilling life" is a bit informal and vague. "To lead a fulfilling life" is more precise and formal. Additionally, "care about heath" should be "prioritize health" to correct the spelling error and use a more formal term.
"the medical service should not be lead by profits-making business" -> "the medical service should not be led by profit-driven businesses"
Explanation: "profits-making business" is awkward and incorrect. "Profit-driven businesses" is the correct term and sounds more natural in academic writing.
"I personally believe the disadvantages pale in comparison with the benefits its provides" -> "I personally believe that the disadvantages are outweighed by the benefits it provides"
Explanation: "pale in comparison with" is somewhat informal and vague. "Are outweighed by" is more precise and formal, and "it" should be "it" to agree with the singular subject "benefits."
"private healthcare is disadvantageous in a few aspect" -> "private healthcare is disadvantageous in several aspects"
Explanation: "a few aspect" is grammatically incorrect. "Several aspects" is the correct plural form needed here.
"the main important demerit of is that can not approach to all walk of life" -> "the primary drawback is that it cannot be accessible to all walks of life"
Explanation: "the main important demerit of is that can not approach to all walk of life" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "The primary drawback is that it cannot be accessible to all walks of life" corrects these issues and uses more formal language.
"the cost spends on private healthcare systerm" -> "the costs incurred by private healthcare systems"
Explanation: "the cost spends" is grammatically incorrect. "The costs incurred by private healthcare systems" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"the private hospital are always used by the middle classes or higher" -> "private hospitals are typically used by the middle classes or higher"
Explanation: "the private hospital are" should be "private hospitals are" for subject-verb agreement. "Typically used" is more precise than "always used," which is too absolute.
"private hospital might not ensure about costumes health" -> "private hospitals may not ensure the health of their patients"
Explanation: "private hospital" should be "private hospitals" for plural agreement. "Ensure about costumes health" is incorrect; "ensure the health of their patients" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"That why many people has a error on their face" -> "Therefore, many people experience errors on their faces"
Explanation: "That why" is informal and incorrect. "Therefore" is the correct conjunction for introducing a conclusion. "Has a error" should be "experience errors" for grammatical correctness and clarity.
"the service control by profit-making businesses are advantageous in a few aspects" -> "services controlled by profit-making businesses have several advantages"
Explanation: "the service control by" is awkward and incorrect. "Services controlled by" is grammatically correct, and "have several advantages" is more formal and precise than "are advantageous in a few aspects."
"it might provide higher qualify service" -> "it may provide higher-quality service"
Explanation: "qualify" is incorrect; "quality" is the correct term. "May" is more formal than "might" in academic writing.
"to have highest qualify for patient that companies might employ the professionals" -> "to employ the most qualified professionals"
Explanation: "to have highest qualify for patient" is awkward and unclear. "To employ the most qualified professionals" is clearer and more formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt regarding the advantages and disadvantages of profit-making medical services. However, it does not fully explore both sides of the argument. The disadvantages are mentioned, but the advantages are only superficially discussed. For example, while the essay states that private healthcare is more expensive and not accessible to all, it fails to elaborate on the specific advantages such as improved quality of care, shorter wait times, or advanced technology that profit-driven companies might offer.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that both the advantages and disadvantages are thoroughly explored. This could involve providing specific examples of how profit-making medical services can lead to better patient outcomes, increased innovation, or more personalized care. A more balanced approach would strengthen the argument and provide a clearer answer to the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a personal belief that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages; however, this position is not consistently maintained throughout the essay. The introduction states a clear stance, but the body paragraphs do not effectively support this position. For instance, the discussion of disadvantages is more detailed than that of advantages, which creates an imbalance in the argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should ensure that each paragraph reinforces their viewpoint. This can be achieved by explicitly stating how the advantages discussed counterbalance the disadvantages mentioned. Additionally, using linking phrases to connect ideas back to the main argument would help in maintaining focus.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas but lacks depth and development. For example, the mention of "higher quality service" and "state of the art facility" is vague and not sufficiently supported with examples or explanations. The ideas presented are often underdeveloped, which weakens the overall argument.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. This could involve providing specific examples of private healthcare facilities that exemplify high-quality service or discussing how competition among profit-making companies can lead to better healthcare options. Additionally, using statistics or studies to support claims would add credibility and depth to the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, but there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the discussion of disadvantages. For instance, the mention of "bad facility for customers" and "error on their face" lacks clarity and relevance to the overall argument about profit-making medical services.
- How to improve: To improve focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates to the advantages or disadvantages of profit-making medical services. Avoiding vague or unrelated statements will help maintain clarity and relevance. Additionally, outlining the essay before writing could help in organizing thoughts and ensuring that all points are pertinent to the prompt.

Overall, to achieve a higher band score, the writer should work on developing a more balanced argument, providing clearer examples, and maintaining a consistent position throughout the essay. Expanding on ideas and ensuring that all parts of the prompt are addressed will also contribute significantly to improving the overall quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, with a distinct division between the disadvantages and advantages of profit-making medical services. However, the logical flow is somewhat hindered by awkward phrasing and unclear transitions. For instance, the transition from discussing disadvantages to advantages could be smoother to enhance the overall coherence. The introduction sets up the discussion well, but the conclusion is missing, which would typically summarize the arguments and reinforce the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point. Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "On the other hand," or "Conversely," can help guide the reader through the argument. Including a concluding paragraph that summarizes the key points and reiterates the writer’s opinion would also strengthen the overall structure.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a positive aspect. However, the paragraphs themselves lack depth and clarity. For example, the paragraph discussing disadvantages could benefit from clearer topic sentences and more detailed explanations of each point. The advantages paragraph also lacks development, making it feel underexplored.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should contain a clear topic sentence followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on the point made. The writer should aim to provide examples and explanations that reinforce their arguments. For instance, in the disadvantages paragraph, expanding on the implications of high costs and providing more specific examples could enhance clarity and depth.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to contrast the two sides of the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas are not clearly articulated. For example, the phrase "That why many people has a error on their face" lacks clarity and cohesion, making it difficult for the reader to understand the intended message.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Additionally," "In contrast," and "Consequently." This will help to create smoother transitions between ideas and enhance the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, ensuring that each cohesive device is used correctly and in context will improve clarity.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, there are areas for improvement in organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. By addressing these aspects, the writer can enhance the coherence and cohesion of their essay, potentially achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use varied expressions. Phrases like "fulfilling life," "private healthcare," and "state of the art facility" indicate an effort to incorporate more sophisticated language. However, there are instances of repetition and limited variety, such as the frequent use of "private healthcare" and "hospital," which detracts from the overall lexical richness. Additionally, phrases like "the disadvantages pale in comparison with the benefits" show an attempt at more complex constructions, but the overall range remains somewhat basic.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "private healthcare," alternatives like "for-profit medical services" or "commercial health systems" could be used. Expanding the use of adjectives and adverbs to describe services, such as "affordable," "accessible," or "innovative," would also add depth to the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "the main important demerit of is that can not approach to all walk of life" is unclear and awkwardly constructed. The term "costumes health" is also incorrect; the intended meaning likely refers to "patients’ health." Moreover, "highest qualify" should be "highest quality," indicating a misunderstanding of the terms.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on ensuring that vocabulary accurately conveys the intended meaning. This can be achieved by reviewing definitions and contexts for specific terms. For example, instead of saying "might not ensure about costumes health," a clearer expression would be "may not guarantee the health of patients." Regular practice with vocabulary exercises and using a thesaurus can also help in selecting more precise words.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that impact readability. Words such as "heath" (should be "health"), "profit-making" (incorrectly written as "profits-making"), "systerm" (should be "system"), "qualify" (should be "quality"), and "costumes" (should be "customers") reflect a lack of attention to spelling accuracy. These errors can distract the reader and undermine the writer’s credibility.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools before submission. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them regularly can be beneficial. Engaging in writing exercises that focus on spelling can also help reinforce correct usage.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By actively expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt at using varied sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("To have a fulfilling life, some care about heath") and compound sentences ("While private healthcare offers a number of drawbacks, I personally believe the disadvantages pale in comparison with the benefits it provides"). However, the overall range is limited, with many sentences lacking complexity. For instance, phrases like "the main important demerit of is that can not approach to all walk of life" are awkwardly constructed and lack clarity. The use of clauses is minimal, which restricts the essay’s grammatical range.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "the main important demerit of is that can not approach to all walk of life," the writer could say, "One significant drawback is that private healthcare is often inaccessible to individuals from lower socioeconomic backgrounds." Additionally, using a variety of conjunctions and transitional phrases can help create more fluid and engaging sentences.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical errors and issues with punctuation. For example, the phrase "the medical service should not be lead by profits-making business" contains a misuse of "lead" instead of "led," and "profits-making" should be "profit-making." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas in "In addition,to have highest qualify for patient that companies might employ the professionals," which should be "In addition, to have the highest quality for patients, companies might employ professionals." These errors detract from the clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on reviewing basic grammar rules, particularly verb tenses and subject-verb agreement. For instance, "the private hospital are always used" should be corrected to "private hospitals are often used." Regular practice with grammar exercises and proofreading can help identify and correct these mistakes. Furthermore, the writer should pay attention to punctuation rules, ensuring that commas are used appropriately to separate clauses and improve readability.

Overall, to achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their grammatical range by incorporating more complex structures and ensuring grammatical and punctuation accuracy through careful revision and practice.

Bài sửa mẫu

To lead a fulfilling life, some care about health; therefore, the medical service should not be led by profit-driven businesses. While private healthcare offers a number of drawbacks, I personally believe that the disadvantages are outweighed by the benefits it provides.

On the one hand, private healthcare is disadvantageous in several aspects. First, the primary drawback is that it cannot be accessible to all walks of life. This is because the costs incurred by private healthcare systems are more expensive than those of public healthcare systems. For example, private hospitals are typically used by the middle classes or higher. Moreover, private hospitals may not ensure the health of their patients. For instance, some beauty hospitals use poor facilities for customers. Therefore, many people experience errors on their faces.

On the other hand, services controlled by profit-making businesses have several advantages. First of all, they may provide higher-quality service. Medical companies might spend more money on state-of-the-art facilities to attract consumers. In addition, to ensure the highest quality for patients, these companies might employ the most qualified professionals.