Do the benefits of charging people for admission to museums outweigh its drawbacks?

At the present day, many museums collect fees for getting in while others do not. However, although there are obvious disadvantages to charging visitors, I feel that the benefits are enormous.
On the one hand, there are several drawbacks of requiring payments to have the right to get into museums. To begin with, hosts of some museums will collect more different fees to use in illegal purposes, such as raising their bank account balances. For example, The National Museum of Vietnam fired the current manager because he overcharged visitors for personal profit. In addition, it is clear that the aim of museums is to help all people to acquire more knowledge and gain experience. But some people who are interested in but lack money will have no opportunities for admission. This will affect a lot in the aim and make it more difficult to achieve.
However, while there are numerous disadvantages, it is important to acknowledge the potential benefits that can overshadow them. Firstly, a huge amount of money will be received by museums, leading to a significant rise in their incomes. They will have full of conditions to refurbish some furnitures and raise the salaries of staffs for requesting them to work harder. As a result, the quality of museums will increase considerably then attract more visitors. Secondly, chaos can be created because of numerous visitors, many exhibits may be demolished and stolen by people who have bad personalities and loud noises can bother other visitors while they appreciate. So admission fees can limit the number of visitors for opening time. Some people will be able to choose other museums and the problem of overcrowding will be solved.
In conclusion, while the fact is charging visitors for tickets brings certain benefits for some individuals or society, there are also serious disadvantages.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"At the present day" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "At the present day" is somewhat archaic and verbose. "Currently" is more concise and appropriate for academic writing.
"getting in" -> "entering"
Explanation: "Getting in" is informal and vague. "Entering" is more precise and formal, suitable for an academic context.
"hosts of some museums" -> "some museum administrators"
Explanation: "Hosts" is an unusual term in this context; "museum administrators" is more accurate and formal.
"will collect more different fees" -> "may charge varying fees"
Explanation: "Collect more different fees" is awkward and unclear. "Charge varying fees" is clearer and more formal.
"to use in illegal purposes" -> "for illicit purposes"
Explanation: "Use in illegal purposes" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "For illicit purposes" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"raising their bank account balances" -> "increasing their financial reserves"
Explanation: "Raising their bank account balances" is informal and vague. "Increasing their financial reserves" is more precise and formal.
"The National Museum of Vietnam fired the current manager" -> "The National Museum of Vietnam terminated the current director"
Explanation: "Fired" is too informal for academic writing; "terminated" is more formal, and "director" is a more precise title than "manager."
"have no opportunities for admission" -> "are unable to access"
Explanation: "Have no opportunities for admission" is verbose and informal. "Are unable to access" is concise and formal.
"a huge amount of money" -> "a substantial amount of funds"
Explanation: "A huge amount of money" is informal and imprecise. "A substantial amount of funds" is more formal and precise.
"will have full of conditions" -> "will have ample resources"
Explanation: "Will have full of conditions" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Will have ample resources" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"raise the salaries of staffs" -> "increase the salaries of staff"
Explanation: "Raise the salaries of staffs" contains a typographical error and is informal. "Increase the salaries of staff" corrects the typo and is more formal.
"then attract more visitors" -> "thereby attracting more visitors"
Explanation: "Then attract more visitors" is informal and lacks a connecting link. "Thereby attracting more visitors" provides a clear causal connection and is more formal.
"chaos can be created" -> "disorder can ensue"
Explanation: "Chaos can be created" is somewhat informal and vague. "Disorder can ensue" is more precise and formal.
"many exhibits may be demolished and stolen" -> "numerous exhibits may be damaged or stolen"
Explanation: "Demolished" is incorrect in this context; "damaged" is more appropriate. Also, "may be damaged or stolen" is more precise than "may be demolished and stolen."
"loud noises can bother other visitors" -> "excessive noise can disturb other visitors"
Explanation: "Loud noises" is informal and imprecise. "Excessive noise" is more specific and formal.
"So admission fees can limit the number of visitors for opening time" -> "Therefore, admission fees can regulate the number of visitors during operating hours"
Explanation: "So" is too informal for academic writing; "Therefore" is more appropriate. "For opening time" is vague; "during operating hours" is clearer and more formal.
"the problem of overcrowding will be solved" -> "the issue of overcrowding can be mitigated"
Explanation: "The problem of overcrowding will be solved" implies a definitive solution, which may not be the case. "The issue of overcrowding can be mitigated" suggests a more realistic and formal approach.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both the benefits and drawbacks of charging admission to museums, which is essential for a balanced response to the prompt. The author effectively identifies drawbacks, such as the potential misuse of funds and the exclusion of financially disadvantaged individuals. However, the benefits are somewhat generalized, primarily focusing on increased revenue and reduced overcrowding without fully exploring how these aspects specifically enhance the museum experience or contribute to societal knowledge.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay could delve deeper into the implications of increased funding, such as how it could lead to better exhibits, educational programs, or community outreach initiatives. Additionally, providing more specific examples or statistics could strengthen the argument regarding the benefits.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer states a clear position in favor of the benefits of charging admission fees, which is maintained throughout the essay. However, the transition from discussing drawbacks to benefits could be smoother. The phrase "However, while there are numerous disadvantages…" serves as a transition but lacks a strong connection to the preceding argument, making the shift feel abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity and coherence, the writer should use transitional phrases that explicitly connect the drawbacks to the benefits. For instance, they could acknowledge the drawbacks while immediately framing the benefits as necessary responses to those issues, thereby reinforcing their position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding both the drawbacks and benefits of admission fees. However, the support for these ideas is uneven. For example, the drawbacks are illustrated with a specific example of mismanagement at The National Museum of Vietnam, which adds credibility. In contrast, the benefits are less substantiated, relying on general statements about increased income and reduced chaos without detailed examples or evidence.
- How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the writer should include more specific examples or case studies that illustrate how admission fees have positively impacted other museums. Additionally, discussing potential improvements in visitor experience or educational outreach resulting from increased funding would strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the pros and cons of charging admission to museums. However, some sentences, particularly in the section discussing drawbacks, introduce ideas that could be seen as tangential, such as the mention of "bad personalities" and "loud noises," which could be more directly linked to the main argument about admission fees.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the central question of whether the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. They could consider rephrasing or omitting points that do not directly support their main argument, ensuring that every sentence contributes to the overall discussion.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, it would benefit from deeper analysis, more specific examples, and improved coherence in transitions.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing drawbacks and benefits, and a conclusion. The arguments are generally organized logically, with the drawbacks presented first, followed by the benefits. However, the transition between the drawbacks and benefits could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "However, while there are numerous disadvantages…" serves as a transition but feels somewhat abrupt. The ideas within paragraphs are mostly coherent, but some points could be better linked to enhance the overall flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer transition phrases that signal shifts in argument. For example, instead of "However," you might use "On the other hand," or "Conversely," to indicate a contrasting viewpoint more effectively. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, which can help guide the reader through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument—drawbacks in one and benefits in another. However, the second body paragraph could be split into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the financial benefits and another on the issue of overcrowding. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point and improve clarity.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea and supporting details. Consider starting a new paragraph when introducing a new point or aspect of the argument. This will help maintain clarity and allow the reader to follow your reasoning more easily.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "for example," and "in addition," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "leading to a significant rise in their incomes" could be better connected to the previous sentence to clarify how the income increase directly relates to the benefits of charging admission.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "moreover," "consequently," and "in contrast." Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one, using phrases that clarify relationships between ideas. For instance, you could use "This means that…" to explicitly connect the financial benefits to improvements in museum quality.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments. By focusing on enhancing transitions, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can further improve the clarity and effectiveness of their writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "disadvantages," "benefits," "illegal purposes," and "overcrowding." However, the use of vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "charging visitors" and "aim of museums." The phrase "huge amount of money" is also quite basic and could be replaced with more sophisticated synonyms.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "charging visitors," alternatives like "imposing entry fees" or "levying charges" could be used. Additionally, using more advanced vocabulary such as "revenue generation" instead of "huge amount of money" would elevate the essay’s language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "hosts of some museums will collect more different fees to use in illegal purposes." The phrase "more different fees" is awkward and unclear. Additionally, "the aim of museums is to help all people to acquire more knowledge" could be more succinctly expressed as "the mission of museums is to educate the public."
- How to improve: The writer should focus on clarity and conciseness. Instead of "collect more different fees," a more precise phrase would be "impose varying fees." Furthermore, revising sentences for clarity, such as changing "the aim of museums is to help all people to acquire more knowledge" to "the mission of museums is to provide educational opportunities for all," would enhance precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "furnitures" (should be "furniture"), "staffs" (should be "staff"), and "requesting them to work harder" (the phrasing is awkward and could be rephrased). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading and utilize spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and reviewing the correct forms of nouns (e.g., "furniture" is uncountable) can help avoid these mistakes in the future.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary use, there is significant room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "However" effectively transitions between contrasting ideas. However, some sentences are overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed, such as "they will have full of conditions to refurbish some furnitures," which lacks clarity and precision. Additionally, the use of passive voice is limited, which could enhance the essay’s complexity.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "the aim of museums is to help all people to acquire more knowledge," the writer could say, "the primary aim of museums, which is to help all people acquire more knowledge, may be compromised by charging admission fees." This not only adds variety but also enhances the sophistication of the argument.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, "hosts of some museums will collect more different fees" is awkwardly phrased; "more different" is not a standard expression. Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "the quality of museums will increase considerably then attract more visitors," where "then" should be replaced with "and." Punctuation is generally used correctly, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before conjunctions in compound sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on reviewing subject-verb agreement and the proper use of comparative phrases. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and grammatical inconsistencies. Furthermore, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance the overall readability of the essay. For example, revising "As a result, the quality of museums will increase considerably then attract more visitors" to "As a result, the quality of museums will increase considerably, attracting more visitors" would clarify the relationship between the clauses.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, attention to grammatical accuracy and the diversification of sentence structures would elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

At the present day, many museums collect fees for entry while others do not. However, although there are obvious disadvantages to charging visitors, I feel that the benefits are enormous.

On the one hand, there are several drawbacks to requiring payments for the right to enter museums. To begin with, some museum administrators may charge varying fees for illicit purposes, such as increasing their bank account balances. For example, the National Museum of Vietnam terminated the current director because he overcharged visitors for personal profit. In addition, it is clear that the aim of museums is to help all people acquire more knowledge and gain experience. However, some people who are interested but lack money will have no opportunities for admission. This will significantly affect the aim and make it more difficult to achieve.

However, while there are numerous disadvantages, it is important to acknowledge the potential benefits that can overshadow them. Firstly, a substantial amount of money will be received by museums, leading to a significant rise in their income. They will have ample resources to refurbish some furniture and raise the salaries of staff, thereby attracting more visitors. Secondly, disorder can ensue because of numerous visitors; many exhibits may be damaged or stolen by people with bad intentions, and excessive noise can disturb other visitors while they appreciate the exhibits. Therefore, admission fees can regulate the number of visitors during operating hours. Some people will be able to choose other museums, and the issue of overcrowding can be mitigated.

In conclusion, while charging visitors for tickets brings certain benefits for some individuals or society, there are also serious disadvantages.