Ensuring that children have regular physical exercise should be the responsibility of parents and therefore schools should not waste valuable school time having sports lessons as part of the curriculum. To what extent do you agree.
Ensuring that children have regular physical exercise should be the responsibility of parents and therefore schools should not waste valuable school time having sports lessons as part of the curriculum. To what extent do you agree.
In our modern society, there are divergent viewpoints about children’s doing regular physical exercise. Some people believe that phýsical exercise is more the parents’ responsibility than schools. From my perspective, I totally agree with that notion.
Admittedly, it is essential that parents remind their children of doing physical exercise. Children are likely to have such exercise actively when taught about the significances of PE that serve as a factor of health improvements or a stress reliever. Doing regular exercise at school , in contrast, is not only inadequate for their physical needs but also including heavy kinds of physical exercise like martial art which does not act as an interest of all children. Hence, offspring may do physical exercise passively.
Moreover,schools should get sport lessons out of their curriculum. Not only doés the sport time schools have spent cost a great amount of money but they are also a heavy burden on youngsters, who have the duty of getting through their PE curriculum. Beside the physical education test in school, adolescents have to learn other subjects and pass all the exams. As a consequence, they are prone to burnout,stress and other mental issues accumulating from their heavy workload.
In conclusion, I am of the opinion that parents have the responsibility of teaching children regular physical exercise rather than schools due to some reasons I have discussed in this essay.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
-
"children’s doing regular physical exercise" -> "children engaging in regular physical exercise"
Explanation: The phrase "children’s doing" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Engaging in" is a more formal and precise term that fits better in academic writing. -
"phýsical exercise" -> "physical exercise"
Explanation: The typo "phýsical" should be corrected to "physical" for accuracy and professionalism. -
"I totally agree with that notion" -> "I strongly support this perspective"
Explanation: "Totally agree" is somewhat informal and vague. "Strongly support" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing. -
"remind their children of doing physical exercise" -> "encourage their children to engage in physical exercise"
Explanation: "Remind" implies a passive action, whereas "encourage" actively promotes the behavior, which is more suitable for the context. -
"Children are likely to have such exercise actively" -> "Children are more likely to engage actively in such exercise"
Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and grammatically awkward. The revised version clarifies the meaning and improves grammatical structure. -
"significances of PE" -> "benefits of physical education"
Explanation: "Significances" is not a standard term; "benefits" is the correct and widely accepted term in academic contexts. -
"Doing regular exercise at school, in contrast, is not only inadequate for their physical needs but also including heavy kinds of physical exercise like martial art which does not act as an interest of all children." -> "Regular exercise at school, in contrast, not only fails to meet their physical needs but also includes intense forms of physical activity, such as martial arts, which may not appeal to all children."
Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and contains errors. The revision clarifies the meaning and corrects grammatical issues. -
"offspring may do physical exercise passively" -> "children may engage in physical exercise passively"
Explanation: "Offspring" is an overly formal and somewhat archaic term; "children" is more appropriate and clear in this context. -
"get sport lessons out of their curriculum" -> "remove physical education from their curriculum"
Explanation: "Get sport lessons out of" is informal and vague; "remove physical education from" is more precise and formal. -
"Not only doés the sport time schools have spent cost a great amount of money" -> "Not only does the time spent on sports by schools incur significant costs"
Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects these issues and improves clarity. -
"Beside the physical education test in school" -> "In addition to the physical education tests in school"
Explanation: "Beside" is incorrect; "In addition to" is the correct preposition for indicating additional items. -
"adolescents have to learn other subjects and pass all the exams" -> "adolescents must study other subjects and pass all exams"
Explanation: "Have to" is somewhat informal; "must" is more formal and suitable for academic writing. Also, "exams" should not be capitalized unless it refers to a specific exam. -
"they are prone to burnout,stress and other mental issues accumulating from their heavy workload" -> "they are susceptible to burnout, stress, and other mental health issues resulting from their heavy workload"
Explanation: "Prone to" is somewhat informal; "susceptible to" is more precise and formal. Also, "accumulating" is incorrect in this context; "resulting from" is the correct phrase.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD
-
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by stating a clear opinion that parents should be responsible for ensuring children engage in regular physical exercise, rather than schools. However, it does not fully explore the implications of this stance or consider the counterargument that schools also play a crucial role in promoting physical activity. The discussion lacks depth regarding the extent of agreement with the statement, which is a critical aspect of the task.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should explicitly discuss both sides of the argument. For instance, it could include points about the benefits of physical education in schools, such as fostering teamwork and providing structured exercise. Additionally, the essay should clarify the extent of agreement by using phrases like "I partially agree" or "I fully agree" and elaborating on the reasoning behind this stance.
-
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that parents should take responsibility for children’s physical exercise. However, the position could be more consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The transition between points is somewhat abrupt, which may confuse readers about the central argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should use topic sentences that reiterate the main argument at the beginning of each paragraph. Additionally, linking phrases can help connect ideas and reinforce the overall stance, making it easier for readers to follow the argument.
-
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the importance of parental involvement and the drawbacks of school sports programs. However, the support for these ideas is limited and lacks specific examples or evidence. For instance, the claim that school sports are a burden on students is made without any data or real-life examples to substantiate it.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should provide specific examples or statistics that illustrate the points made. For example, discussing studies that show how parental involvement in physical activity correlates with children’s health outcomes would add credibility. Additionally, expanding on each idea with more detailed explanations would enhance the depth of the argument.
-
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the responsibilities of parents versus schools regarding children’s physical exercise. However, there are moments where the argument diverges slightly, particularly when discussing the burdens of schoolwork, which could be seen as tangential to the main point.
- How to improve: To improve focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central argument of the essay. Avoiding unnecessary details about school stress and instead concentrating on how parental involvement can effectively replace school sports would help maintain relevance.
Overall, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should aim to fully address all parts of the prompt, maintain a consistent position, provide more detailed support for ideas, and ensure that all content remains focused on the topic at hand. Additionally, ensuring the essay meets the word count requirement is crucial for achieving a higher score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
-
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the issue, asserting that parents should be responsible for ensuring children engage in regular physical exercise. The introduction effectively sets the context and states the writer’s position. The body paragraphs are organized around distinct points, such as the role of parents and the drawbacks of school sports lessons. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing parental responsibility to the inadequacy of school sports could benefit from clearer linking phrases.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas, such as "Furthermore," or "In addition to this," to guide the reader through the argument. Structuring the essay with clear topic sentences for each paragraph can also help in maintaining a logical progression of ideas.
-
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the writer’s viewpoint, while the subsequent paragraphs delve into supporting arguments. However, the second paragraph is somewhat lengthy and could be split into two to improve readability and focus.
- How to improve: Aim to create more balanced paragraphs by ensuring that each one contains a single main idea. For example, the second paragraph could be divided into one discussing the importance of parental involvement and another addressing the limitations of school sports programs. This would allow for a more thorough exploration of each point without overwhelming the reader.
-
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Admittedly," and "Moreover," which help to connect ideas. However, there is a noticeable reliance on a limited range of cohesive devices, and some sentences lack clarity due to awkward phrasing, such as "Doing regular exercise at school, in contrast, is not only inadequate for their physical needs but also including heavy kinds of physical exercise like martial art." This could confuse readers about the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "On the other hand," "In contrast," and "Consequently." Additionally, ensure that sentences are clearly structured. For example, rephrasing the problematic sentence to clarify the contrast between school exercise and parental responsibility would enhance coherence.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices will elevate the coherence and cohesion of the writing.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
-
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it lacks variety and sophistication in word choice. For instance, terms like "physical exercise," "parents," and "schools" are repeated without the introduction of synonyms or related terms that could enhance the richness of the language. Phrases such as "heavy kinds of physical exercise" and "burden on youngsters" are somewhat vague and could be expressed more effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeating "physical exercise," you could use "physical activity," "fitness routines," or "sports engagement." Additionally, varying sentence structures and incorporating more advanced vocabulary (e.g., "educational institutions" instead of "schools") would elevate the overall quality of the essay.
-
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the argument. For example, the phrase "doing physical exercise" is awkward; "engaging in physical activity" would be more appropriate. Additionally, the term "significances of PE" is vague and could be more clearly articulated as "benefits of physical education."
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys your intended meaning. When discussing concepts, ensure that the terms you choose are commonly accepted in academic contexts. For example, instead of "doing regular exercise at school," you could say "participating in structured physical activities during school hours." This precision will enhance the clarity of your arguments.
-
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that impact readability and professionalism. For instance, "phýsical" should be "physical," "doés" should be "does," and "beside" should be "besides." These errors may distract the reader and undermine the credibility of the argument.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing, take a break and then review your essay with fresh eyes. Additionally, using spell-check tools or apps can help identify errors. Practicing spelling common academic vocabulary can also be beneficial. Keeping a list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them regularly may help solidify correct spelling in your writing.
By addressing these areas, you can work towards improving your lexical resource score in future IELTS essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
-
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "Admittedly, it is essential that parents remind their children of doing physical exercise" employs a complex structure effectively. However, the essay relies heavily on straightforward constructions, which limits its overall variety. Additionally, phrases like "not only doés the sport time schools have spent cost a great amount of money" show an attempt at a more complex structure but are awkwardly phrased and could confuse readers.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice using more varied introductory phrases, subordinate clauses, and transitional phrases. For instance, incorporating conditional sentences (e.g., "If parents take responsibility for their children’s exercise, then…") or using participial phrases (e.g., "Having understood the importance of exercise, parents should…") can enhance complexity and engagement.
-
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "phýsical exercise is more the parents’ responsibility than schools" is awkwardly constructed; it would be clearer as "physical exercise is more the responsibility of parents than of schools." Additionally, the use of commas is inconsistent, such as in "Doing regular exercise at school , in contrast," where there is an unnecessary space before the comma. Errors like "doés" instead of "does" indicate issues with spelling and accentuation that are not standard in English.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and proper use of articles. Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, particularly around clauses and lists, will improve clarity. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify and correct mistakes before finalizing the essay.
Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument and structure, focusing on enhancing grammatical range and accuracy will significantly improve the overall quality and coherence of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
In our modern society, there are divergent viewpoints regarding children’s engagement in regular physical exercise. Some people believe that physical exercise is more the responsibility of parents than schools. From my perspective, I strongly support this perspective.
Admittedly, it is essential for parents to encourage their children to engage in physical exercise. Children are more likely to engage actively in such exercise when they understand the benefits of physical education, which can improve their health and serve as a stress reliever. Regular exercise at school, in contrast, not only fails to meet their physical needs but also includes intense forms of physical activity, such as martial arts, which may not appeal to all children. Hence, children may engage in physical exercise passively.
Moreover, schools should remove physical education from their curriculum. Not only does the time spent on sports by schools incur significant costs, but it also places a heavy burden on youngsters, who have the responsibility of completing their PE curriculum. In addition to the physical education tests in school, adolescents must study other subjects and pass all exams. As a consequence, they are susceptible to burnout, stress, and other mental health issues resulting from their heavy workload.
In conclusion, I believe that parents have the primary responsibility for teaching children about regular physical exercise rather than schools, due to the reasons I have discussed in this essay.